Aggressive/angry husband

[ByPeachFawn]

I’ve been married 10 years with 3 beautiful daughters. My marriage has always been very up and down, we did separate for a period of time.

My issue is my husband can be so loving and kind and supportive, he’ll tell me how amazing and wonderful I am, he buys me lovely gifts out of the blue he supports anything I want to do, this is him I would say 70% of the time. And in these times I feel genuinely happy.

But then 30% of the time if there’s an argument or a disagreement or if he just decides I’ve done something that he doesn’t like/had the wrong tone/said the wrong thing it’s like a switch goes off. He goes off on angry rants, he will shout over me call me every name under the sun, absolutely character assassinate me, pick apart everything about me from looks to career to my mothering skills- the lot. He has also been physically intimidating over the years, locked me out of the house/smashed belonging but never actually hit me. My problem is now that as soon as I feel an argument is starting the anxiety is so overwhelming I feel like I’m physically shaking. I don’t know whether it because it’s gone so many years or what the issue is. I think when he’s angry he doesn’t care what he says, how hurtful it is or even if the kids are around he just goes for it. He usually does apologise eventually but I end up having to apologise too and it’s usually some how my fault. I’ll not lie I change from either letting him go off on one and saying nothing, sometimes I fight back and insult him back and then he says I’m the abusive one.

im not entirely sure what the point of this is I think I’m just stuck in this cycle where im confused and I don’t really know where to go
from here.

He is a nasty piece of work. Best thing you could ever do for yourself and your girls is divorce and protect them from this absuive arsehole. No one should have to live like this. Ever. It is abuse.

Thank you for your response Venturini. It’s gathering up the courage to leave. My kids really love their dad and I hate the thought of breaking the family up or him meeting someone else and my kids being around that person, nearly kills me

His behaviour is appalling.
You say his abuse of you happens in front of your children. It is physically and mentally destroying you. So you are not doing your children any favours by staying with this abusive man. What kind of role model is it teaching your children for future relationships?
It would not be you that would be breaking up the marriage and home. It is your husbands abusive behaviour.

contact the police for advice before leaving him. This is the MO of someone who’d 100% try murder if you left and so you need to be very careful.

maybe start small and begint to squirrel money away in a hidden account.

@ByPeachFawn
Okay so you love him and the kids love him and you don't want to 'break up' your happy home. So what about that 30%? The one where he is an abusive monster who terrifies you and is absolutely terrorising your lovely kids. That love and happiness 70% of the time does not make up for the damage caused by his abuse. You walk on egg shells and I am 100% certain that your kids do too. What are you going to do when that 70/30 ratio is flipped to 30/70?

It’s usually when they’re in a different room but I’m pretty sure they’ve heard it. I’m worried I’m abusive too and it’s more of a toxic relationship? I do say things back at times and try and stand up for myself.

You're hold on because you really want the lovely 70%. The thing is, you don't get to see who a person deep inside is when everything is going ok, or going their way. You get to see it when they have to handle conflict, or when they don't get their way.

Your partner is aggressive and ruthless. It doesn't hugely surprise me that it's somehow your fault each time. He knows on some level that his behaviour is awful, that other people would find it damaging and worrying, but he's not willing to take full responsibility for it. That's because he thinks you somehow deserve this behaviour.

locked me out of the house/smashed belonging

So much of this happens to women because the men know they can get away with it. You're deflated, upset, anxious and confused, but I think you've been in this for so long you've become worn down and you don't feel the anger you should at this.

When people argue, they can say hurtful things, but it's possible the other person actually means them. It doesn't make it right, but what really stands out to me is that he's smashed your belongings and locked you out before. He's smashing your things because they are a proxy to hitting you, and I think it's only a matter of time before he does. Don't wait for that to happen before you leave.

Also OP, I know it's scary, but it sounds like you need to contact Women's Aid at the very least. I hope that you have family support to help you through this.

I don’t think I’d want to subject my dc to this. 30% of the time is not ok. The other 70% certainly doesn’t make up for it.

It wouldn’t be you breaking up the family, it’s him. He’s already doing it. The kids will have heard and it will only get worse. You said you separated in the past suggest this again and just forge to mention to him it’s permanent. Once he’s out the house you and the kids can relax, give him a bit of time before you tell him it’s over for good. Keep any abusive messages he sends, record any calls, get a ring doorbell. If he gets angry or abusive call the police, ask for a restraining order and he can have childcare through a solicitor. Being scared is no way to live your life.

Would he go to counselling or couples therapy to address anger management and/or unhealthy cycles of behaviour?

jennylamb

Couples counselling is NOT recommended where there is abuse of any type within the relationship. AM courses are also no answer to domestic violence which is what is being described here.

If you were given a box of Maltesers and you knew that 70% of them were chocolate and 30% of them contained poison, would you accept them?

If you stay your daughters will grow up thinking this is what a relationship is. They will make bad choices for themselves based on that.

I grew up with an angry dad, and later married an angry man. We split six years ago but still I get that anxious feeling you describe when I hear people arguing, even if it’s just a robust discussion (e.g., politicians being interviewed on TV!).

You can prevent this happening to your daughters. Stay, and they will be damaged.

Get advice from Women’s Aid and a solicitor.

I'm just wondering if there are options like the below, at least broaching the subject would be an indicator of her partner's interest/commitment to changing his behaviour.

Domestic abuse: ‘I was quite controlling, things needed to change’ www.bbc.co.uk/news/uk-68942471

I suppose because of how much I adore my kids I don’t ever want to think they’d be affected or are subjected to any of it. The thought that I’ve damaged them in any way by subjecting them to it is very painful. But I have to face reality too. He smashed our tv tv unit a few months ago but he said I triggered him to do it because he actually said he would stab our dog and I said why did you say you’d stab the dog but accidentally said kids instead of dog it was a really heated situation and I was in an emotional state and genuinely didn’t mean to say kids. But it ended up being all my fault and me apologising for triggering him. His mum died fairly recently so I know he’s been through a lot but it has always been mostly the same even before his mum died.

id be scared financially too. I have a profession but I work part time and rely on him to support us.

He absolutely won’t do marriage counselling I’ve asked him many times and he thinks he doesn’t need it.

the thing is outwardly I’m a very extroverted person, I’m sociable and always would’ve stood up for myself and others so I’ve never been in this situation before

Fair enough, well I agree with the previous posters then- start getting funds together and planning an exit strategy.

if there’s an argument or a disagreement or if he just decides I’ve done something that he doesn’t like/had the wrong tone/said the wrong thing it’s like a switch goes off.

One day your lovely daughters will become hormonal teenagers who will start to assert their independence and disagree with their daddy. That will be the day he starts the horrendous abuse on them because they dared to say no. He will train them as he has trained you, not to say no or have boundaries and when they are old enough they will find a man who abuses them throughout their relationship (possibly even physical or rape). And they will accept it because it will be their normal. It will be what they grew up with.

Get out. Break that cycle so your daughters can have healthy relationships in the future. You owe them that.

If you stay with him, your daughters will think it's normal, and might end up in relationships like this because of that. Please, please, please do right by your daughters and end this.

You say your daughter's adore their dad. Do you genuinely think that's true? Because I expect they've learnt already that they need to appease daddy so he doesn't hurt them.

@ByPeachFawn none of this is normal and he’s conditioned you to this. I promise your kids can hear it, they see the damage. You are teaching them this is what you put up with in a relationship.
But leaving now shows strength and fixes all that and gives them a safe space. You have been ground down and none of this is your fault. No one can trigger someone to violence. Look at it through a filter of what if it was a work colleague or stranger on the street. They can stop themselves attacking you and furniture and shouting. He does it to make you feel small. Police would be called if it was in work.

I think this is sadly what they are learning already.

This. He can’t and won’t change ever. Do not engage in counselling x

@ByPeachFawn

It doesn't matter how much percentage he is so called Mr nice guy,

If 30 per cent of the time ,

he is the very definitive of a total head fuck Arsehole type of individual,

Whats the point wasting your life the rest of it for someone who makes you feel genuinely ill 🤒 psychologically and emotionally to the point your mind is in survival mode flight or flight 😩 stressful cortisol over load reaction,

You need to plan secretly to get as much support as possibility emotionally and financially etc
turn to well known respected charties organisations etc,