Aggressive/angry husband

[ByPeachFawn]

I’ve been married 10 years with 3 beautiful daughters. My marriage has always been very up and down, we did separate for a period of time.

My issue is my husband can be so loving and kind and supportive, he’ll tell me how amazing and wonderful I am, he buys me lovely gifts out of the blue he supports anything I want to do, this is him I would say 70% of the time. And in these times I feel genuinely happy.

But then 30% of the time if there’s an argument or a disagreement or if he just decides I’ve done something that he doesn’t like/had the wrong tone/said the wrong thing it’s like a switch goes off. He goes off on angry rants, he will shout over me call me every name under the sun, absolutely character assassinate me, pick apart everything about me from looks to career to my mothering skills- the lot. He has also been physically intimidating over the years, locked me out of the house/smashed belonging but never actually hit me. My problem is now that as soon as I feel an argument is starting the anxiety is so overwhelming I feel like I’m physically shaking. I don’t know whether it because it’s gone so many years or what the issue is. I think when he’s angry he doesn’t care what he says, how hurtful it is or even if the kids are around he just goes for it. He usually does apologise eventually but I end up having to apologise too and it’s usually some how my fault. I’ll not lie I change from either letting him go off on one and saying nothing, sometimes I fight back and insult him back and then he says I’m the abusive one.

im not entirely sure what the point of this is I think I’m just stuck in this cycle where im confused and I don’t really know where to go
from here.

Why does the thought of him moving on kill you? What is the problem with him having a girlfriend and your children still seeing him? This is domestic abuse. These aren't reasons to just put up and shut up. Your children can still adore him as a co parent. The reality is they are far more likely to be resentful if you keep exposing them to his abusive behaviour. I just don't think you are seeing this clearly. So you have a profession, there's also a system in place to provide you with top ups so that you can look after the children without suffering this abuse. There's also a system that he will still have to provide financial support anyway. Honestly, read your first post back to yourself again. What would you be saying to your best friend if she just wrote that to you about her life? Maybe it's time to start being your own best friend, you deserve better xx

OP

The only acceptable level of abuse in a relationship is none and that is a life lesson your DDs need to urgently learn. Children love their parents anyway no matter how crap of abusive they otherwise are. They adore him so as to not become the target of his barbs when he kicks off; they are adopting a fawn response and its trauma related. I do not know how you arrived at a figure of 70% happy most of the time; its a figure that has been plucked out of thin air with no real workings out behind it.

Giving you spaghetti head confusion is par for the course when you are in an abusive relationship. All your words are those an abused person would write.

Please find the strength within you because it is there to divorce your abuser and move on with your life. Your daughters will thank you for doing so. You have also taken a small but important first step out by writing about this on here.

You have a choice re this man, they do not. Make better choices for you and they by breaking free of abuse. Saving up money takes time and the longer you remain together the more harm is being done to you and in turn your girls.

Do consider seeking advice from Womens Aid, The Rights of Women, a Solicitor in your locality re divorce. This is an excellent use of your time. He is not going to make the whole process of you divorcing him at all easy and he will not let go of you that easily (because he likes having you around to boss about and otherwise abuse). He will remain just as abusive post divorce too so do not mediate with him re the kids. The freedom you will have after he's gone will be worth it..

You absolutely need to teach your DDs the lesson that the only acceptable level of abuse in a relationship is none.

That's abuse. The 70% keeps you invested during the 30%. Get help to make a plan to leave and go. They never get better. It will get worse. You and your children deserve better.

I'm just wondering if there are options like the below, at least broaching the subject would be an indicator of her partner's interest/commitment to changing his behaviour.

Domestic abuse: ‘I was quite controlling, things needed to change’www.bbc.co.uk/news/uk-68942471

Jenny Lamb

The man you refer to had both insight and the inclination/will to change, the OPs husband does not show this at all.

He knows how she feels and he does not give a monkeys. All he cares about is his own self and how his needs are met. His daughters are caught up in his private based war against the OP, a war he wants to win at all costs. He would have behaved the same regardless of whom he paired up with. Answering him back can put her at risk because it could give him in his head an additional challenge to take her down.

Unfortunately in this particular scenario like so many the OPS abuser is blaming it all on the OP; its the well you drove me to do x,y,z scenario. Its always everyone else's fault but their own. He has no insight into his behaviour here and actively thinks he is and has done nothing wrong by the OP. Also many abusers need years of therapy, not mere months.

Agreed.

Lots of women claim their children adore their abusive father. Fear and compliance isn’t adoration. You don’t adore him when he’s smashing up your house. Why should they?

Im surprised your neighbours haven’t called the police. Get rid or prepare for some difficult conversations from your children later down the road. They won’t always be compliant scared little children.

Do you really think your daughters will be comfortable bringing their babies round a fucking nut who smashes up the house?

This has been really helpful for me I appreciate all your responses more than I can even say. I know it’s time to face it.

You took a small but significant step today by writing about this on here. That is to your credit because you know what is happening to you and your DDs here is wrong.

Please face this further now by seeking out help and support from the likes of Womens Aid, the Rights of Women and a Solicitor in your locality. Your DDs and you should be living free from abuse. The first step out is often the hardest one to take but you have support on here so draw on this resource too.

You sound like the boiled frog analogy probably applies to your situation.
You and your children are being horrifically abused by a house terrorist.
Your children must be quietly terrified.
Please contact Women's aid for support.
This is not a good man.
Think carefully of the life you want for your girls and what sort of childhood you want them to carry for the rest of their lives.
What you have written sounds terrifying and you are blamed for it all.
HE will never change but he will change forever the lives of those poor little girls.
Well done for reaching out.
It's now time to plan, get support and protect those little girls from him.
Smashing up a house should be a police matter. You could ring 101 for advice.

Lots of thoughts on this.

Does he do this with other people or just you - chances are it's just you, so he knows it's wrong but does it anyway

He's training you to never disagree with him, and never question him. By him doing it, you end up walking on eggshells and he gets his own way all the time

It's abusive!

30% of the time - well that’s 109.5 days or 15.6 weeks every year.

You don’t need this, you don’t deserve it, neither do your kids. They will know about it.

His behaviour would be unacceptable 3% of the time, let alone 30%. Your kids will be more aware than you think and will thank you for leaving !

My dad was like this growing up, as a family it was like walking on eggs shell, he was never physical but I think people under Estimate what words/ tone can do. I now attribute my anxiety to my childhood and the fear of being in trouble or getting on the wrong side of anyone- I’m a 34 year old teacher and it still affects me, to the point my head teacher is very aware- that anything she might need to deliver to me that isn’t nice has to be done very careful as it can set me off into a spiral of uncontrollable anxiety for a couple of weeks- it’s very embarrassing. Please for your kids- either leave hi or tell him what it is doing to your mental health- sound like the start of panic attacks.

He’s really openly charming has a salesman job that he’s really successful in as he oozes charm and friendliness so absolutely not he is only like this with me, I think his previous relationship was the same and I did see him treat his mum the same a few times but he always made me believe they’d just had a very difficult relationship.

Renamed when u say it like that it’s terrible. I know so many holidays/christmases have been ruined by him. The difficult thing is we sometimes go months with nothing and then I convince myself I’ve over exaggerated it and we’re totally fine or I rack my brain about what I’ve done differently to make things more settled and try and keep doing that.

My dad was like this growing up, as a family it was like walking on eggs shell, he was never physical but I think people under Estimate what words/ tone can do. I now attribute my anxiety to my childhood and the fear of being in trouble or getting on the wrong side of anyone- I’m a 34 year old teacher and it still affects me, to the point my head teacher is very aware- that anything she might need to deliver to me that isn’t nice has to be done very careful as it can set me off into a spiral of uncontrollable anxiety for a couple of weeks- it’s very embarrassing. Please for your kids- either leave hi or tell him what it is doing to your mental health- sound like the start of panic attacks.

Wellington77 that is awful to hear it is still affecting you today. That really is my worst nightmare for my girls I’d never want that for them. I think subconsciously I feel like I’ve waited so many years that being together and damaging controlling things for the kids is better than him looking after them alone and me not being there to make sure everything’s ok

I think you know what you need to do OP. You've taken the first step by posting here. Follow the advice others have given. Call Women's Aid. Get support. You and your kids deserve better than this.
Good luck to you.

It sounds like things are ok while you're toeing the line and doing things his way. I bet you moderate your behaviour and are always thinking what will DH think if I ask/say/do xyz. He uses this abusive behaviour to control you, will do the same to your children, and they will never know what a healthy relationship is to base their lives on, so will likely end up in an abusive relationship themselves. You must leave.

Please do not raise your children in this toxic, abusive environment. They will grow up thinking that their father's abuse as normal, with lasting repercussions. The boys of abusive marriages have a high risk of becoming abusers and the girls of accepting abuse as adults. Don't perpetuate the abuse cycle because you don't want to "ruin" your children's childhood. It's already destroyed, unless you leave and get counselling for you and them.

Thankyou for your reply. It has also meant I am probably the absolute opposite with my children- I tell them everyday I love them , and can be a bit of a pushover with discipline as I associate it with him so my husband has to take over in that respect sometimes. Remember if you do leave him he will have to pay child maintenance- make sure you have copies of all his financial ongoing and outgoings etc so he can’t pretend he had no money. You need to be brave now and do it for your kids and yourself- 5 years time you will look back and be very proud of yourself

Abusers are not nasty all the time because if they were no one would want to be with them.

What he is showing you is the nice/nasty cycle of abuse and that is a continuous one.

Do you really think that he would want to have his children say half the week going forward?. I don’t that very much as it will interfere with his work and social
life. He may well demand 50:50 but that is usually a starting point. Trying to protect your children from him whilst you are all under the same roof is impossible. Your daughters are exposed to he and his behaviour 100% of the time and you cannot stop him emotionally and or verbally abusing you or them in front of your very eyes.

OP. I could have written this myself. My husband is exactly the same. I love the nice side of him because that's who I met and had children with, and I hate him when he goes off on one. Speaks to me like shit, puts me down, anything I do or have done wasn't/ isn't good enough.

Some days, if he walked out of the house and I literally never saw him again, it would be a miracle.
He suffers from depression/anxiety/OCD, and I used to put up with his outbursts because of it. Now I've realised that just because you have some issues doesn't mean you can treat someone the way he does.
He won't leave, I've asked him to. I won't leave because I have nowhere to go with the kids.

As soon as I can manage to sort us out, I'm gone without a look back.
I've had my confidence knocked by him over the years, but slowly, I'm realising that he is the problem and that to be alone would be so peaceful.

You've separated before, so you know it's doable. You are entitled to half the house equity and savings, CM, and could go for a share of his pension. You may have struggled more financially before as you didn't get as far as divorce.
It's up to you how you go about it, whether it's possible to agree to split during a period where he's being nice, or need to plan and do a quick flit without his knowledge. How did you last go about it.
This time, no matter how much he promises change, stick to your guns. Do it for you DC's sake, there's no way they haven't heard a TV being smashed and all his ranting.