Aggressive/angry husband

[ByPeachFawn]

I’ve been married 10 years with 3 beautiful daughters. My marriage has always been very up and down, we did separate for a period of time.

My issue is my husband can be so loving and kind and supportive, he’ll tell me how amazing and wonderful I am, he buys me lovely gifts out of the blue he supports anything I want to do, this is him I would say 70% of the time. And in these times I feel genuinely happy.

But then 30% of the time if there’s an argument or a disagreement or if he just decides I’ve done something that he doesn’t like/had the wrong tone/said the wrong thing it’s like a switch goes off. He goes off on angry rants, he will shout over me call me every name under the sun, absolutely character assassinate me, pick apart everything about me from looks to career to my mothering skills- the lot. He has also been physically intimidating over the years, locked me out of the house/smashed belonging but never actually hit me. My problem is now that as soon as I feel an argument is starting the anxiety is so overwhelming I feel like I’m physically shaking. I don’t know whether it because it’s gone so many years or what the issue is. I think when he’s angry he doesn’t care what he says, how hurtful it is or even if the kids are around he just goes for it. He usually does apologise eventually but I end up having to apologise too and it’s usually some how my fault. I’ll not lie I change from either letting him go off on one and saying nothing, sometimes I fight back and insult him back and then he says I’m the abusive one.

im not entirely sure what the point of this is I think I’m just stuck in this cycle where im confused and I don’t really know where to go
from here.

OP, this is so sad. And especially that he's got you thinking that YOU are the problem.

Your example re the TV: Let's unpack that a little. He smashed the tv because you mispoke and said he'd threatened the DC instead of the dog? And you accepted that therefore it was YOUR fault? So what happens when he's at work, and someone accuses him of being a slimey salesman, nreliable etc. Perhaps due to a misunderstanding? Would it be okay for him to smash that customer's car and would that then be his fault?

Or another example - do you think it would be justified if he said something really hurtful to you, for you to smash his favourite watch?

No, I didn't think so. Because of course it's not your fault. He's just using some tiny little thing as an excuse to justify his abusive, violent behaviour.

You need to get out as quick as you can.

@BByPeachFawn you are in domestic abuse. Your children are 110% being affected. Guess how I know? Neen there dine that. I stayed too many years. I gas been bought up in the same so knew no different.

Your children will grow up thinking it's the norm and repeat the patterns.

You are not abusive. You stand up for yourself. Why wouldn't you. Anyway, there is what they call "reactive abuse," too, which is when the woman has had enough.

Contact womens aid and get out ASAP. It won't get better.

By the time your girls reach teen years, he will turn it on them too as they are older and hormonal, etc.

"Oh, he wouldn't do that," you say. That's what I said once, not realising that they were being damaged anyway as they never knew how the ex would be.

The longer you leave it, the harder it gets. The children woll he young adults and a lot harder to handle. I know cos we have been there.

Fortunately all my mine are happy, well, good careers, relationships and their own children now.

It was a lot of hard work to ensure, and being fortunate enough to meet my soulmate who became the dad, he didn't have to be to mine

Womens aid link: www.womensaid.org.uk/womens-aid-directory/

This is disturbing to read. He is very very abusive and you are subjecting your children to this. You need to leave immediately before it does even more damage. Who cares if he meets someone else? You still need to protect your kids. And why is it a worry that your kids have to be around a new hypothetical person but not that they will have to have contact with a psycho who threatens to kill the family pet? Odd priorities.

If my husband behaved like that 1% of the time, it would be over.

What a F ing pig. 🤬

Unfortunately until you’re in this sort of situation it’s really difficult to understand. I wouldn’t recognise myself the person I am now before I was in this relationship. It’s very easy to judge and I get that but it’s really not easy sitting here now, trust me and if it was I would’ve left 10 years ago. But I didn’t and now I’m trying to be brave and take the steps needed to get out. I absolutely do adore my kids and don’t overly appreciate that being questioned specialityrasp.

Thank you for all the helpful and supportive people that have made my thoughts so much clearer today.

@ByPeachFawn I know you wouldn't want to hurt your children. Neither did I. It wasn't until I left that I could see the damage staying was doing. That doesn't make us good or bad parents. We are human

Fortunately, with a lot of hard work, mine have all turned out well, taken the experiences to learn from, and have good, happy lives.

I turned around what had happened to us to get besides others with lived experience, with them too.

I hope you can do the same, get out, and stay out. Good luck

I think it's important to acknowledge the difficulty of recognising a situation when in it. Also to acknowledge the effect that gaslighting can have and to have empathy with that.

Not sure if you would want to do this, but if you were worried about him looking after the children by himself when you are separated, you could gather evidence of his moods/ temper- have your phone on you and record - either phone hidden and it’s visually recording or phone in your pocket recording the sound- this could be presented in the family court ( not sure not a lawyer) to show he shouldn’t be near kids

It feels like you have described my situation. The only difference is that he has gone beyond physically intimidating. And like you, I have been accused of being the abuser because I eventually replied in the manner that he treats me on occasion.
I have applied for legal separation last week although he doesn’t agree so I am expecting a legal battle. I want to protect my children and my own mental health which has suffered hugely and I don’t see any other way.

Are you both safe, @ByPeachFawn @GreeneQueen?
The gaslighting and control are chilling, if you have any evidence, please keep it if you can do safely.
I was in a very similar situation a couple of years ago, and one of the best things I did to keep me strong and determined was to keep recordings which were stored in a secret email account.
These helped me compose accounts of the DV for my solicitor as evidence which allowed her to secure legal aid.
Domestic terrorism is what these men are perpetrating, look after yourselves, please.

He’s an absolute piece of shit. He needs to go for your daughter sake if not yours.

'..him meeting someone else and my kids being around that person, nearly kills me'
What do you think the chances are of him actually killing you if you stay?