Really struggling with DHs family, WWYD?

[thea118]

Name changed for this one as possible outing.

I've been worn DH for 13 years, married 5 with 2DC aged 1 and 4.
I love him very much and we are strong together but we always have issues surrounding his family.

His parents have split up due to his mum's MH issues and FIL has since remarried. He also has a sister with children a similar age to ours.

DH is totally not himself around his family, so he withdraws from them and I end up having to make the conversation. Unfortunately the conversation is usually like an interview, where his parents (who are surprisingly similar despite not being together) will just ask a series of questions whenever they see you such as:

• how's work?
• how's the car?
• how's the house?
• got any trips planned?
• how's your mum and dad?

And when you answer them, there's no flow of conversation, it's like you're literally answering a question ready for the next one - it's so weird!

SIL is also odd, she treats DH (her younger brother) like her rival, and she seems to do it with our 4yo and her 3yo as well, so her company just makes me feel awkward and on edge, there's no friendliness, it's just hostile.

Anyway, DH would rather not spend any time with them, but I have tried numerous times to explain to him that we HAVE to see them all because they're his family. But obviously at the same time I would rather not see them either! Whenever we do see them I feel pissed off with DH for letting me do all the talking, but at the same time I'm glad he's not friendly with them because the dynamic is not something I'm comfortable with.
It's DC2's birthday next month and I'm dreading seeing them all.

I'm not really sure what I'm asking here, but is anyone in a position like this? I swear everyone else I know is very happy with their in-laws!

It's not compulsory to see family.

It sounds like they are quite socially awkward (at a minimum) so personally I'd be dropping the amount I see them.

Why do you have to see them?

Yabu... He knows them best and doesn't want a relationship with them. Keep your beak out and show him some respect....

I can’t believe you think it’s your place to insist you both see his family just because they’re family, and against his wishes. I’d be very angry with you, and feel very unsupported and certainly not part of a team.

We keep it to a minimum, but the children are cousins, and there's always a need to swap presents at birthdays and Christmas.

Unfortunately it sort of ruins the nice occasions for DH and I because it's hard managing them all around it.
I also worry I will be seen as the one who's keeping DH away from his family, not the other way round..

YABU. He has said he doesn't want to see them so listen to him. It sounds pretty obvious by the way he's acting around them that he doesn't want to see them. You forcing the issue is putting yourself in the situation you are unhappy with.

It's your DH's family, follow in his footsteps.

Presents can be posted.

Or you can arrange a separate family birthday celebration a week before or a week after the real thing.

Again, many families meet up either before or after Christmas itself to exchange presents - New Year is common.

Honestly there are ways to preserve a relationship of sorts without it impacting your family too much.

Why do you feel you have to see them? Who conditioned you to believe that? You could just visit at Christmas and their birthday if you really really must.

However, it is up to DH if he wants to visit his family, just as he can't force you to not/visit yours. Support your husband.

In OP'S defence, their DC has a 'right' to a relationship with their GPs, aunt and cousin.

Can you meet for an hour for a coffee and cake somewhere where the DC can play / you can walk? That way you can talk a bit about the café, the cake, the DC, the weather, and the place where you are walking/they are playing which should make the hour just about bearable (or just get a big piece of cake and pass the time munching blissfully).

Your husband doesn’t want to see them. Listen to him and stop trying to make a pretend family. It must be so painful for him that you do this highlighting his lack of family support multiple times a year.
Go away for the kids birthdays to avoid it all.

I actually think that it shows a certain level of arrogance and disregard to dictate the amount that your spouse sees their own family. Whether that is not letting them or forcing them.

I agree with the others that your idea that you HAVE to see them is a bit odd. You don’t have to see anyone you don’t want to, family or not.

Given they’re not toxic, abusive or bullying or whatever, you don’t have to cut them out completely but you should follow your DH’s lead on the level of relationship you have with them.

You do not have to see them.
Why are you inflicting them on your DC ?

Why don't you answer their question and then ask them one in return?

Why don’t you let DH decide when to see his family?

We don't see them hardly at all. His family try and see us a lot more than we let happen.
As a PP has said they are my chidlrens grandparents, cousins and aunty/uncle. The children will all go to the same school (different year groups luckily).
My family are much closer and so I guess I always feel that things should be better so I try and make the best of it.

I do agree that I need to respect DHs wishes and only see them as much as he wishes to.

It's just difficult when there's young children involved and I feel conflicted with everything.

If you live close enough that cousins will attend same school, surely visits can be half an hour for a cup of tea and then you have to leave to go elsewhere.
Are they better or is it more bearable at their house/your house/cafe/Park? What about if other people are there too, to "dilute" them?

This isn't about your DH, his family, your children or cousins.

This is entirely a YOU problem.

Your DH doesn't like his family and doesn't want to see them. You don't like them either.

So why are you bringing all this angst about cousins into it? Just leave it alone, nobody likes them so do the shortest visit you can get away with at Christmas and cash in a card for birthdays.

You really need to stop controlling your husband's relationship with his family.

Do you know DHs reasons for being like this? What happened in childhood etc? Id probably start to step away. If its ruining DHs experience of birthdays/christmas etc having them there then its time to change things. Your own little family unit comes first and your happiness over extended fam

Let your dh arrange the next family occasion. Let him do the talking. I get he won’t arrange anything and you will both feel ok about this.

You really don’t have to see them . When Exh and I split up ( more than 30 years ago ) neither his parents nor siblings had any further contact with our DC . It really hasn’t damaged them at all .
As they weren’t prepared to make an effort neither was I 🤷‍♀️

Anyway, DH would rather not spend any time with them, but I have tried numerous times to explain to him that we HAVE to see them all because they're his family. But obviously at the same time I would rather not see them either!

There is no WE in this situation. There is just your husband and his family and it’s his choice what sort of relationship he has with them. It’s really weird and two faced for you to be visiting people you don’t like then complaining about them afterwards.

You come across like you’re just looking for drama. And a bit superior with all the hand wringing about the children.

My first husband's family were very similar. The 'how's the car' question made me laugh, as my in-laws asked that too. I mean, who asks that question on a regular basis?
I tried to make it work for far too long, but ultimately let it slide. They really just didn't want to know us, and very obviously favoured his brother and his family.
Once I stopped putting the effort in, we barely saw them. And when we split up, funnily enough the children (teenagers by them) have not seen them since. As older teenagers, they started keeping in touch with their cousins via social media. They aren't close but they get along fine. None of them see the grandparents any more which is sad but the relationship just wasn't there.

Your poor husband.
How controlling and abusive of you to force him to have contact with his family when he doesn't want.
Such an awful thing to do, so disloyal.
You do not know better than your husband about what is right for him.
So disrespectful of you.

Stop seeing them and stop pushing your DH into contact he obviously doesn't want to have.

Just because people are your children's aunts, uncles, cousins etc. doesn't mean that they need to have contact or even know each other well.

I grew up not really knowing my own aunts, uncles and cousins. I was mildly curious about them and vice versa, and we did meet up just a few times, but it didn't disadvantage anyone at all.

Stop pushing this. You are making problems where there don't need to be any. What if DH eventually tells you that he doesn't want to go on these meet ups and you can go on your own? I bet you wouldn't like that.

It sounds like you mostly don't live far apart the cousins will have some distant contact in school. Surely that will be sufficient.