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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

Really struggling with DHs family, WWYD?

70 replies

thea118 · 28/05/2024 08:36

Name changed for this one as possible outing.

I've been worn DH for 13 years, married 5 with 2DC aged 1 and 4.
I love him very much and we are strong together but we always have issues surrounding his family.

His parents have split up due to his mum's MH issues and FIL has since remarried. He also has a sister with children a similar age to ours.

DH is totally not himself around his family, so he withdraws from them and I end up having to make the conversation. Unfortunately the conversation is usually like an interview, where his parents (who are surprisingly similar despite not being together) will just ask a series of questions whenever they see you such as:

how's work?
how's the car?
how's the house?
got any trips planned?
how's your mum and dad?

And when you answer them, there's no flow of conversation, it's like you're literally answering a question ready for the next one - it's so weird!

SIL is also odd, she treats DH (her younger brother) like her rival, and she seems to do it with our 4yo and her 3yo as well, so her company just makes me feel awkward and on edge, there's no friendliness, it's just hostile.

Anyway, DH would rather not spend any time with them, but I have tried numerous times to explain to him that we HAVE to see them all because they're his family. But obviously at the same time I would rather not see them either! Whenever we do see them I feel pissed off with DH for letting me do all the talking, but at the same time I'm glad he's not friendly with them because the dynamic is not something I'm comfortable with.
It's DC2's birthday next month and I'm dreading seeing them all.

I'm not really sure what I'm asking here, but is anyone in a position like this? I swear everyone else I know is very happy with their in-laws!

OP posts:

fieldsofbutterflies · 28/05/2024 15:17

I don't understand why you're pushing this relationship when your DH clearly isn't interested?

You don't have to see them at Christmas or swap presents with them either. Just let the relationship fizzle out.

FakeMiddleton · 28/05/2024 15:27

He doesn't want to see them.
You don't want to see them.

Don't see them.

His family, his problem.

unmp · 28/05/2024 15:37

OP do you ask THEM anything to keep the flow of conversation up eg when they ask how's the house, you say great, then move the conversation on either asking them about their neighbours, plans around their home decorating etc (linked to their question to you) so that they don't feel that they are doing all the work trying to think of what to ask

Once they respond about their neighbours/ plans to decorate, in follow up visits you can ask, 'how is Jane at number 28, have you seen her lately? Etc

Or you steer the conversation to politics/ current events and share thoughts or stuff you've seen on Netflix etc

It must be to way not just you answering questions that they have prepared... go with a few questions of your own to ask to get to know them better

Bobbotgegrinch · 28/05/2024 16:03

Stop trying to force a relationship with his family that he doesn't want.

If he doesn't want to spend time with them, then no wonder hes not engaging with them when he does!

StrawberryWater · 28/05/2024 16:19

This is a complete you problem op. You’re making him see them when he doesn’t want to and then complaining they treat you weirdly. They’re awful people, your dh doesn’t want to see them for a reason.

It’s not your place or responsibility to foster a relationship between your dh/kids andd his family. It’s for him to take the lead on. You deal with your family, you let him deal with his own. Back off.

WhereYouLeftIt · 28/05/2024 16:34

"Anyway, DH would rather not spend any time with them, but I have tried numerous times to explain to him that we HAVE to see them all because they're his family."

Oh FFS! No, you do NOT have to see them. And your husband has obviously made it clear he does not want to see them, so why are you insistent that he does? Seriously - why?

Aldertrees · 28/05/2024 17:37

Poor OP is getting a bit of a mauling here. I agree with you that we should try to keep family together. Easier said than done! Sounds like you are doing a good job.

Do you see the separated MIL and the FIL at the same time? Is there an awkwardness between them?

LittleGreenDragons · 28/05/2024 18:07

Aldertrees · 28/05/2024 17:37

Poor OP is getting a bit of a mauling here. I agree with you that we should try to keep family together. Easier said than done! Sounds like you are doing a good job.

Do you see the separated MIL and the FIL at the same time? Is there an awkwardness between them?

She's not getting mauled here at all. Out of curiosity though I would like to know why you think families should be together when certain members don't even like each other? His sister could have bullied him mercilessly as a young child while his parents ignored it. Do you think he should still have to make the effort to see them all?

fieldsofbutterflies · 28/05/2024 18:08

Aldertrees · 28/05/2024 17:37

Poor OP is getting a bit of a mauling here. I agree with you that we should try to keep family together. Easier said than done! Sounds like you are doing a good job.

Do you see the separated MIL and the FIL at the same time? Is there an awkwardness between them?

It's not her job to force a relationship with her DH's parents.

Chickenuggetsticks · 28/05/2024 18:13

Honestly I let DH decide how much he sees his family, I don’t see it as my job to keep that going.

Rowen32 · 28/05/2024 21:05

redskydarknight · 28/05/2024 15:12

I don't think not responding to a question or blanking an entire speech and making a remark about something else (the example a PP gave about referencing a murder) is anything to do with connecting emotionally. I have better superficial conversations with the check out person at the supermarket.

In my parents case, they are perfectly able to understand "normal" rules of conversation with everyone else, it's only their own family that they don't bother with. It's a deliberate not wanting to be bothered. The fact that OP's DH doesn't want to communicate with his own parents suggest that he's worked this out and has decided he isn't going to play along any more.

Show quote history

@redskydarknight

Yes, this exactly. I've seen them talk perfectly well to other people, shockingly berate and order around waiting staff in restaurants and also talk non stop to their grandkids but only when they're small and obliging, as soon as they start to talk back they're not as interested in them.. so I do struggle with the excuse that's given sometimes that they're socially awkward, I think they just don't like me and aren't bothered

Princessfluffy · 28/05/2024 21:45

I think you are feeling under social pressure to maintain family relationships, which is understandable.

However, if things are awkward and your DH isn't keen to spend time with his family it's really his decision. I'm sure he has good reasons, even if he hasn't communicated them. I wouldn't be forcing any contact that your DH doesn't want, especially as you dont really enjoy spending time with his family.

It's more important to respect and cherish your DH than to feel like you have to foster relationships with his family which he is not keen on doing. It's not your responsibility to try to make it a happy family when it just isn't OP.

Olivia2495 · 28/05/2024 23:10

Yet you keep pushing your dh and kids into these hostile visits.

The interview type questions remind me of my dad who is ND. He rehearses what he’s going to say and has a script. It sounds like they want to keep things at a polite surface level with you and you should accept that.

ITNS123 · 29/05/2024 00:48

He knows them better than you do, so I'd follow his lead on this. You absolutely don't HAVE to see them. I don't get on with my in-laws because they have a toxic family dynamic in my opinion (not immediately apparent as it took years to come to the surface and for me to know what they were about). I'm very happy that my husband has very little interest in seeing them. We also have kids the same age as his siblings' kids His family are not murderers or anything, but they just brought with them a dynamic that we as a new family don't wish to repeat/continue.

Original poster

thea118 · 29/05/2024 20:10

Okay so his sister didn't bully him as a kid, quite the opposite in fact, they were just not very close.

I feel a pressure to "keep the family together" because his sister shows an interest in the cousins being friends, as does MIL.
I was friendly with my cousins growing up, although I guess we didn't see them often.

I also feel my DH can be a little socially awkward sometimes (he even says this himself), so naturally I do feel it's on me to make the effort.

It's all just a bit shit basically, like there's no substance and a lot of awkwardness. It's been like this for the 13 years I've been with him, I guess there's no hope in it changing. I should respect DHs wishes and let him decide how/when we do it!

OP posts:

AnneLovesGilbert · 29/05/2024 22:21

I also feel my DH can be a little socially awkward sometimes (he even says this himself), so naturally I do feel it's on me to make the effort.

But it’s not on you at all. You’re suggesting it’s up to you to compensate for his personality to his own relatives. That’s mad. They’re obviously very awkward too! Accept it for what it is. They know who he is, he knows who they are, he’s happy to let the relationship slide as it’s the best thing for him and in his view also best not to involve your kids.

You’re right to leave it up to him. He’ll be happier. Once you let go of what you think things should be like you will be too.

Comtesse · 30/05/2024 03:40

If SIL and MIL reach out then yes: reciprocate. Let your husband set the pace - it is his family. It is NOT your role to build bridges if the others aren’t actually interested after 13 years.

Scintella · 30/05/2024 05:47

I also feel my DH can be a little socially awkward sometimes (he even says this himself), so naturally I do feel it's on me to make the effort.

Sounds like the whole family is like this.

Olivia2495 · 30/05/2024 10:12

I feel a pressure to "keep the family together" because his sister shows an interest in the cousins being friends, as does MIL

The family is together. It’s just not in the way you would like.

fieldsofbutterflies · 30/05/2024 10:27

Ifeel a pressure to "keep the family together" because his sister shows an interest in the cousins being friends, as does MIL.

Why do you feel that's your job as opposed to your DH's?

I'll be honest, I'd be pretty pissed off if my DH pushed to spend time with my family when I'd made it clear I wasn't interested.

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