Really struggling with DHs family, WWYD?

[thea118]

Name changed for this one as possible outing.

I've been worn DH for 13 years, married 5 with 2DC aged 1 and 4.
I love him very much and we are strong together but we always have issues surrounding his family.

His parents have split up due to his mum's MH issues and FIL has since remarried. He also has a sister with children a similar age to ours.

DH is totally not himself around his family, so he withdraws from them and I end up having to make the conversation. Unfortunately the conversation is usually like an interview, where his parents (who are surprisingly similar despite not being together) will just ask a series of questions whenever they see you such as:

• how's work?
• how's the car?
• how's the house?
• got any trips planned?
• how's your mum and dad?

And when you answer them, there's no flow of conversation, it's like you're literally answering a question ready for the next one - it's so weird!

SIL is also odd, she treats DH (her younger brother) like her rival, and she seems to do it with our 4yo and her 3yo as well, so her company just makes me feel awkward and on edge, there's no friendliness, it's just hostile.

Anyway, DH would rather not spend any time with them, but I have tried numerous times to explain to him that we HAVE to see them all because they're his family. But obviously at the same time I would rather not see them either! Whenever we do see them I feel pissed off with DH for letting me do all the talking, but at the same time I'm glad he's not friendly with them because the dynamic is not something I'm comfortable with.
It's DC2's birthday next month and I'm dreading seeing them all.

I'm not really sure what I'm asking here, but is anyone in a position like this? I swear everyone else I know is very happy with their in-laws!

You’re creating a problem and then blaming him for it. He doesn’t want to see them, it’s incredibly unreasonable of you to ignore that and overrule him. The kids can go to school together, doesn’t mean you have to see them for anything else.

He’s known them far longer than you have, why would you think it’s your place to dictate his relationship with these people?!

You don’t HAVE to see them and if your DH doesn’t want to see them, you should respect his wishes. I don’t see the point in forcing a relationship when he doesn’t want it and his ds’s behaviour is likely to do more harm than good.

It actually sounds as if they make all the effort - why aren't you or DH asking them questions to keep the conversation going. When a conversation has an interview vibe, it's the one answering who is letting the side down.

Do you feel it is such an imposition, that you've essentially done your bit by turning up at all? My SIL is like this, feels we are so lucky to see her that she makes no actual effort when we do.

Start going to things with them instead of just sitting talking, invite them to a show or for afternoon tea somewhere, go on a dog walk (or just a walk) see if they will take the kids to the cinema to see a kids film. Find out what works. They aren't actually doing anything wrong or bad, definitely no worse than DH is behaving, so DH should actually put some work in and find a way to see them that is more enjoyable for everyone.

My husband has the same problem with his in-laws i.e. my parents. Actually you sound like my SIL :) Down the the exact conversation description.

We don't see my parents any more. I (like you) mistakenly thought that my children deserved to have a relationship with their grandparents. Turns out that toxic parents turn into toxic grandparents and I should have trusted my instincts. In your case DH is trusting his instincts so I would trust them also. Think yourself lucky that your children have one nice set of relatives (your side), and don't assume that all people are like that.

In OP'S defence, their DC has a 'right' to a relationship with their GPs, aunt and cousin.

No they don’t.

I was going to say don’t have them on a birthday - but I see you need to swap presents.
i would prefer to arrange something that suits you eg DFIL +1 a meal in the pub. DSIL meet in the park and have a few sandwiches while kids play. DMIL round for a coffee. Then it’s less of a long do.

One of the many great things about my parents splitting up - which should have happened at least a decade earlier than it did, but that's a whole other thread - is that I didn't have to bother with my father's family ever again.

My father also had a poor relationship with them and my mother also felt that she had to be the one to facilitate a better one - even though she couldn't stand them herself! It would have been far better for everyone all round if she'd left well enough alone.

Of course once my father had left none of them bothered with us ever again.

"As a PP has said they are my chidlrens grandparents, cousins and aunty/uncle. The children will all go to the same school (different year groups luckily)."

So what? I have an aunt who saw me as a rival to her DC. I loathed spending time with them but was forced to. As an adult I avoid them like the plague.

When you do see them, just gre rock them and ask them the same questions in return.

"How's work?"
"Not bad. How's your work?"

Etc

It actually sounds as if they make all the effort - why aren't you or DH asking them questions to keep the conversation going. When a conversation has an interview vibe, it's the one answering who is letting the side down.

Answering from the perspective of someone whose parents are like OP's inlaws. You can't keep the conversation going from your side. The "point" of the conversation is for the other party to find out as much about you as possible whilst divulging little about themselves. To the point that they completly ignore cues etc. They either don't respond to what you've said, or you get a one word answer and they move onto the next question. The questioner is really not the one making the effort - expecting the other person to do all the talking is not effort.

e.g.
"do you have any holidays planned?"
Yes, we thought we'd go to Majorca <talks about why for a bit> Didn't you go there a couple of years ago? Anything you'd recommend?

"That'll be nice. How is your garden doing at the moment?"

Invite them to the usual parties but also invite other people who are more communicative, relaxed and fun.
Greet lovingly and then don't give them any more time than is polite.
Maybe the happy vibe of the whole group will rub off on them a little.

The interview style questions are totally them putting it upon us to keep the conversation going. I find it very hard to keep it going, because there's never any wisdom or advice in return. E.g if, when asked "how's the car?" I said ahh not good it's making a funny noise, or "how's the house?" "We need to get a new oven" etc, they would never be able to give us any advice or ideas, it's honestly painful talking to them. So if we ever do have problems, there's no point telling them because they have absolutely nothing to offer to us expect asking a new question.

It sounds like you’re trying to do the best by everyone, but if it’s causing problems between you and DH I think you just have to follow his lead on this one.

Yes this is how it was with mine. Ive got videos of a young mum me, chatting away. I looked at them a while ago, and cringed a little, thinking I was talking too much.
On looking again more recently still, with more mature eyes, I can see how hard I was trying to engage with them, with very little in return. Young, newly married me just didn't comprehend the lack of interest as my own family weren't like that at all.
I'd also try to include them with babies and small children. Ex's grandparents were great and would chat to the kids and bring out the biscuits, but just a load of polite questions from ex's parents.
I stopped visiting when the grandparents passed away, and I doubt they even noticed.

Yes. His family, his call. For whatever reason, you’re managing someone’s relationship with their own family and then complaining about not enjoying it.

this - you don’t have to see him and no one needs to be forced to see their own family. He doesn’t want to do stop x

You really don't have to see them. If you must do the present thing, use a parcel service. We never saw our cousins except for weddings and now funerals.

How do you feel about not seeing them after reading the comments @thea118 ( some were a unnecessarily harsh I thought though) It's clear you're trying to do the right thing

Anyway, DH would rather not spend any time with them, but I have tried numerous times to explain to him that we HAVE to see them all because they're his family

Respect your husband. He is a person in his own right. He doesn't want to be around his family. He has valid reasons and shouldn't let you bully him into staying in contact. You may be getting off on the drama of it all, or maybe you're bored so their strangeness is interesting and exciting to you. You're centering yourself and you've absolutely no right to insist your busband stays in contact with people who don't make him feel good.

In OP'S defence, their DC has a 'right' to a relationship with their GPs, aunt and cousin.

No, they don't. They (the kids) might show some natural curiosity from time to time but then it is up to the parents to explain in an age appropriate way why not all members of all families are close.

In OP's case they mostly live fairly nearby and the children are likely to bump into each other as they will go to the same school too.

I'm sorry to say this but I think you're the one in the wrong about this.

Your DH doesn't want a relationship with his family, for whatever reason, and you really need to respect his wishes. He's just going along with you to keep the peace and that's not good for him or your relationship.

Yes, it's sad your kids will miss out on a close relationship with their grandparents and cousins, but frankly it doesn't sound as if they are too interested either. Very soon your kids will start to notice the tension in the visits and that's not fair on them, nothing good will come from it.

Please respect your DH's feelings on this and stop forcing him to see them. I cannot express this forcefully enough.

Stop, just stop.

Thank you so much, it makes me feel less mad. I once told a delightful story about our family and something we'd just done, the response was 'wasn't it terrible about the murder". Another time I told a story and was met with a blank stare, I repeated it twice thinking I hadn't been heard/understood and there was still silence. It's awful and I'm not bothering anymore!

I know a lot of people my parents age who cannot connect on an emotional level very well. They aren’t well connected to themselves, as they were shamed for that as children and so they have this version of themselves they put out into the world and they stand far behind it not really taking in the outside world. My parents entire family communication is at that superficial level. It is bizarre to take in.

You know you don’t “have to” be swapping presents either?.. 🤷🏻‍♀️
Just do what you and your partner want to do. Not what you think you have to do

I don't think not responding to a question or blanking an entire speech and making a remark about something else (the example a PP gave about referencing a murder) is anything to do with connecting emotionally. I have better superficial conversations with the check out person at the supermarket.

In my parents case, they are perfectly able to understand "normal" rules of conversation with everyone else, it's only their own family that they don't bother with. It's a deliberate not wanting to be bothered. The fact that OP's DH doesn't want to communicate with his own parents suggest that he's worked this out and has decided he isn't going to play along any more.

Surely if the dc and cousins are all going to the same school they themselves can choose to socialise them or not?