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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Partner threatens to leave after any argument and gives me the silent treatment

52 replies

HappyJadeLion · 27/05/2024 20:33

Hi all,
just a little background information to my story. A couple of years ago I moved over two hours away from my family to be with my partner after he proposed. Although I have made friends here it is not the same as having family support. Any disagreement or anything I say that my partner doesn’t like he will become angry and pack his things end the relationship and stay at his mums. If he doesn’t end the relationship then he will give me the silent treatment for days. I have recently found on his phone that during these times he stay at his mums he has been on dating sites and messaging women but he has turned this on me saying we weren’t together so I’m in the wrong. Obviously his mum allows him to stay so isn’t supportive of me as he can do no wrong in her eyes, I’m just feeling this isn’t normal for a man in his 40s and I’m feeling pretty isolated with my self esteem on the floor. Hoping for advice and support

OP posts:
TheBottomsOfMyTrousersAreRolled · 27/05/2024 20:37

End the relationship and love home. Anything else is you choosing this arsehole and his controlling behaviour.

what friends do y ou have in the new area?
what career do you have?
how long were you together before he proposed?
why are you not yet married?

PussInBin20 · 27/05/2024 20:38

You’re right, this isn’t normal for a mature adult. I would call it a day tbh, it sounds draining. I couldn’t put up with that.

Move back to your family - you’ll be a lot happier!

CharlotteCollinsneeLucas · 27/05/2024 20:41

Advice: leave him and move back home. Let him go next time he ends the relationship. He's not good enough for you.

Support: you'll get plenty of that here. We'll help you get free of him and move forward to better things.

category12 · 27/05/2024 20:42

Leave him.

mountaingoatsarehairy · 27/05/2024 20:42

Jesus ditch him and move back home.

Original poster
HappyJadeLion · 27/05/2024 20:43

18 months before he proposed.. we had been together three years by the time I actually moved. We aren’t married as he says our relationship isn’t stable, and that I am an unstable insecure person.. however I’ve realised it only becomes what he labels as unstable when I disagree with him or bring up topics he doesn’t like then he immediately becomes angry and defensive and packs his stuff and goes to his mothers

OP posts:
TraitorsGate · 27/05/2024 20:43

Next time he goes to mummy pack your bag and dont be there when he comes back. What's the finance and work situation, can you manage on your own back with your family. I wouldn't marry this man child.

WarriorN · 27/05/2024 20:44

No absolutely not normal behaviour and very controlling. He's not able to resolve conflict in a healthy manner.

He's stonewalling you. www.betterhelp.com/advice/relations/is-stonewalling-a-form-of-abuse/

He's being extremely dramatic. He's threatening you with the end of the relationship which keeps you on your toes. This is to destabilise you and likely controls how you interact with him.

tribpot · 27/05/2024 20:46

We aren’t married as he says our relationship isn’t stable
He's unwittingly done you a big favour. Walk away and don't look back. You can tell him you're doing him a favour since you're too unstable for him.

Who wouldn't be insecure, being with someone who finishes with them constantly, or punishes them with silence?

Pashazade · 27/05/2024 20:46

Why have you put up with this horrible behaviour. It must be like living with a toddler. Next time he buggers off take the chance to pack everything you value and leave yourself! Bugger that for a game of soldiers. He doesn't respect you enough to have an adult conversation to resolve any problems, what's the point! Life is too short to waste anymore time on him.

2024please · 27/05/2024 20:46

Oh mine used to do that, one day he threatened divorce so I said off you go then, do it. Strangely enough he didn't.

If I were you I'd leave - men like this are pricks & nothing will change, especially if his Mother allows him to constantly stay. I would tell my DC in no uncertain terms they weren't running back home every time the argued with their partner. 🙄

WarriorN · 27/05/2024 20:46

HappyJadeLion · 27/05/2024 20:43

18 months before he proposed.. we had been together three years by the time I actually moved. We aren’t married as he says our relationship isn’t stable, and that I am an unstable insecure person.. however I’ve realised it only becomes what he labels as unstable when I disagree with him or bring up topics he doesn’t like then he immediately becomes angry and defensive and packs his stuff and goes to his mothers

He's the unstable one!

Original poster
HappyJadeLion · 27/05/2024 20:46

We own a house together unfortunately, I am due to go home tomorrow for a few days and I have booked in some house viewings. I’m angry at myself for ever moving to be honest, of course if I knew this I would never have moved, I just feel a fool

OP posts:
WarriorN · 27/05/2024 20:47

He's also projecting his behaviour on to you, blaming you. DARVO. Deny attack reverse victim and offender.

BirthdayRainbow · 27/05/2024 20:47

Advice is to leave obviously. He's controlling you.

Support will come.

WarriorN · 27/05/2024 20:48

HappyJadeLion · 27/05/2024 20:46

We own a house together unfortunately, I am due to go home tomorrow for a few days and I have booked in some house viewings. I’m angry at myself for ever moving to be honest, of course if I knew this I would never have moved, I just feel a fool

Please don't blame yourself. You thought the best of him. This is on him. Get out asap and don't regret, see it as a learning opportunity. Don't waste anymore time on him!

Original poster
HappyJadeLion · 27/05/2024 20:48

WarriorN · 27/05/2024 20:46

He's the unstable one!

Show quote history

Thank you I’ve been in therapy so I’m realising that.. funnily enough he was diagnosed with a personality disorder but said that it’s not true and the psychiatrist was mistaken.. as I’m typing this im thinking what the hell am I doing here. Thank you for the support ladies x

OP posts:
bloodyeffinnora · 27/05/2024 20:48

Please Leave this immature mummys boy and move back to your family and friends. he's trying to control you. Things will only get worse.

Sparkletastic · 27/05/2024 20:51

You'll be so much happier once you've put this relationship behind you.

BCBird · 27/05/2024 20:54

Let him.bugger off. Take control. Do what suits u. He sounds like a prick

Original poster
HappyJadeLion · 27/05/2024 20:56

Thanks all.. I struggle not having a support network here, my car is in his name so when he leaves he takes my car off me and leaves me paying all the bills which I struggle to do. It’s difficult because he portrays me as the nasty, unstable, unfaithful person to his friends and family. Basically tells people im doing all the things he’s doing knowing I won’t say anything other

OP posts:
mummytrex · 27/05/2024 20:59

This won't get better. Re the car if it is in his name leave it with him and stop paying the bills. Get another car (if you can).

WarriorN · 27/05/2024 21:00

Bloody hell.

In a Normal relationship disagreements happen and sometimes it may get heated. One or both may need to have time apart (still within the house) to cool off and reflect before trying to resolve but they would agree to this.

If someone flounces off and refuses to engage it means nothing ever gets resolved. This is controlling and it means you feel you are never heard or able to express a pov. On top of this though he's actually ending the relationship and slagging you off which is abusive and controlling. And also financially controlling too if you are left with bills.

BirthdayRainbow · 27/05/2024 21:02

Then start opening your mouth and telling people. Save yourself.

TheBottomsOfMyTrousersAreRolled · 27/05/2024 21:02

HappyJadeLion · 27/05/2024 20:56

Thanks all.. I struggle not having a support network here, my car is in his name so when he leaves he takes my car off me and leaves me paying all the bills which I struggle to do. It’s difficult because he portrays me as the nasty, unstable, unfaithful person to his friends and family. Basically tells people im doing all the things he’s doing knowing I won’t say anything other

Are you still paying for the car? If so stop that immediately if it is in his name. What about the bills? Get them moved over to his name too. Speak to a solicitor