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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Partner threatens to leave after any argument and gives me the silent treatment

52 replies

HappyJadeLion · 27/05/2024 20:33

Hi all,
just a little background information to my story. A couple of years ago I moved over two hours away from my family to be with my partner after he proposed. Although I have made friends here it is not the same as having family support. Any disagreement or anything I say that my partner doesn’t like he will become angry and pack his things end the relationship and stay at his mums. If he doesn’t end the relationship then he will give me the silent treatment for days. I have recently found on his phone that during these times he stay at his mums he has been on dating sites and messaging women but he has turned this on me saying we weren’t together so I’m in the wrong. Obviously his mum allows him to stay so isn’t supportive of me as he can do no wrong in her eyes, I’m just feeling this isn’t normal for a man in his 40s and I’m feeling pretty isolated with my self esteem on the floor. Hoping for advice and support

OP posts:
Unexpectedlysinglemum · 27/05/2024 21:03

You don't deserve it no one does. Please LTB

Original poster
HappyJadeLion · 27/05/2024 21:05

Unexpectedlysinglemum · 27/05/2024 21:03

You don't deserve it no one does. Please LTB

Thank you, I appreciate you saying that

OP posts:
DustyFire · 27/05/2024 21:07

This is abuse. I don’t say that lightly. I’m so sorry he’s doing this to you.

EarthSight · 27/05/2024 21:11

Fucking hell. What is is with emotionally abusive men calling their female partners crazy or unstable??? It's almost textbook.

He's controlling and needs to have his way all of the time. He is likely to steamroll over your wishes until there is nothing of you left.

This type of person can be manipulative, so don't feel like a fool OP. These traits have shown themselves now because he feels like you are sufficiently rooted, isolated or vulnerable enough for him to start showing his real personality. It will get worse if you get married. I can bet that when you do leave or tell him it's over, he will magically change and be on his best behaviour again. He may even become emotional, but don't listen to it. He has shown you his true self, and he probably has more of that in store if you hang around for long enough.

The most difficult thing emotionally for you will be grieving the person you thought he was.

Roryhon · 27/05/2024 21:13

He’s treating you really badly. You say you feel
like such a fool, but you’d only be a fool if you stayed. In leaving you’d be doing something really sensible. While you’re home make plans. Tell your family. Get support. And put things in motion. He might be awkward, try and block you, stop you. So perhaps take a load of things with you to your parents before you tell him? Or else say something that will make him flounce off to his mother’s so you can move everything while he’s gone!

bloodyeffinnora · 27/05/2024 21:30

Leave him, go to your parents if you can, stop paying for the car and buy a car in your name instead, then see a solicitor regarding the house.
he's an abusive, controlling prick, you will feel so much relief when you've gotten rid of him. leave the pathetic spoilt brat to his mummy

SoEmbarrassed2024 · 27/05/2024 21:40

No it's not normal, it's childish and manipulative to threaten to leave, and downright cheating to go on dating sites. Sulking and the silent treatment is a form of abuse

Take the control out of his hands, you don't need to let him make the decision- next time he pulls this shit just tell him that he's not welcome back

2Old2Tango · 27/05/2024 21:42

A house can be sold, so it's much easier to get out of this than if you were married. Would your parents have you back while you extract yourself from this abusive man? It is definitely not normal to run back to mummy every time you don't agree on something.

When you say the car is "in his name" do you mean the log book OP? That's not proof of ownership. If you have proof (receipt/invoice) that you paid for it, then you are the owner. Incidentally, the registered keeper (named on the log book) is responsible for taxing and insuring the car and ensuring it has an MOT.

Mum2jenny · 27/05/2024 21:44

Pls ditch him as soon as you can. He sounds an absolute bellend.

TraitorsGate · 27/05/2024 21:46

Are the house viewings for you back home.

Original poster
HappyJadeLion · 27/05/2024 21:51

TraitorsGate · 27/05/2024 21:46

Are the house viewings for you back home.

Yes I have three viewings booked near to my parents. I’m not anticipating him showing he cares when I leave. He’s emotionally unavailable as it is, he only cares that I will meet someone else as he constantly accuses me. I’m looking forward to the peace

OP posts:
TraitorsGate · 27/05/2024 21:52

Enjoy the break and good house hunting

Itsme222 · 27/05/2024 22:04

My H used to do that, threaten divorce if things weren't going his way, if kids were misbehaving etc the last time he said it to me i vowed it would be the last and i initiated separtion few months later.. still sorting things out house etc but I am 100% sure it was the right move. I also got the silent treatment for days on end and was the one who had to apologise for whatever had done to improve the atmosphere. Never again it's a horrible place to be, means they can act/do what they want cos they think you afraid to be without them... eh no!!!

Sevenwondersofthewoo · 27/05/2024 22:13

HappyJadeLion · 27/05/2024 21:51

Yes I have three viewings booked near to my parents. I’m not anticipating him showing he cares when I leave. He’s emotionally unavailable as it is, he only cares that I will meet someone else as he constantly accuses me. I’m looking forward to the peace

Show quote history

Sounds like he’s projecting

MariaLuna · 27/05/2024 22:33

my car is in his name

So sorry you are going through this OP. He sounds horrendous. (With an enabling mother, utterly fucked up family I guess).

But please, to you and all other women NEVER GIVE YOUR POWER AWAY TO A MAN!

JFDIYOLO · 28/05/2024 00:40

What exactly attracted you to this man in the first place?

What keeps driving you to take him back after he's consistently and repeatedly treated you like shit?

Please seek some therapy to help you get up off the doormat and find your self worth.

It's great you've seen what he's actually doing; accusing you of doing the very thing he's doing himself.

He's successfully isolated you from your family, friends and home town. Deprives you of your independence by taking your car. These are both abusive coercive controlling behaviours.

Great you're looking at places and thinking of your future.

Consult a solicitor about your rights and get family and friends on your side.

All the best with your next steps.

Partner threatens to leave after any argument and gives me the silent treatment
xxSideshowAuntSallyxx · 28/05/2024 06:22

It's not normal. My ex used to do this, it was all part of his manipulation to get me to do as I was told.

Next time he does it call his bluff and say fine.

Then, leave go home to your parents.

I did it with my ex after he moved into the spare room as my punishment for not agreeing to get a second mortgage on the house so he could by a car, he then accused me of having an affair, and through divorce at me once too often.

WoodBurningStov · 28/05/2024 06:49

It's toxic and not a normal relationship. Good to see you're planning on leaving.

Re the car leave it with him and stop paying the bills for it. You may have to instruct a solicitor to sell the house as he's unlikely to make it easy for you

PivotPivotmakingmargaritas · 28/05/2024 06:54

Such controlling behaviour trying to takeaway your voice and opinion by leaving or shutting down whenever he disagrees. See a lawyer about how to force a sale ( no idea how to do that ) but go back to your family, you only have one life and he is trying to stiffle yours… be strong all the best

sarahc336 · 28/05/2024 07:01

Hi op. I work in mental health and he clearly has a personality disorder. He is displaying the classic push people away pull them back type pattern. He is gas lighting you to try and reduce his own insecurities, portraying you as the unstable one. He also probably leaves as this allows him to feel the one in control as deep down he's likely to fear being abandoned so him going is him leaving rather than taking the risk you might. This pattern of behaviour won't change unless he goes through intensive therapy which I'm assuming is unlikely. You need to leave as he is abusive in his relationship style, it will cause you to loose all sense of self esteem if you stay, good luck.

graceinspace999 · 28/05/2024 07:02

I feel for you. This is so wrong. The advice to leave is correct.

If it’s all too overwhelming you can be planning your wonderful new life and your plotting your escape bit by bit.

Tell your friends and family what’s going on and seek support.

Be good to yourself on the way out - it’s totally all on him .

AgathaX · 28/05/2024 07:08

You need some legal advice about the property and your car. Did you put your own money into the property you share?

Have you told your own family what's going on? If not, tell them now. Let them support you with moving out and back home.

Cerialkiller · 28/05/2024 07:20

Can you afford the new house when you still own the first? Agree get out asap but you need to force a sale to separate from him completely. Could there be a real risk of him stopping mortgage payments which means either you need to pay or damage your credit, effecting your new purchase?

Original poster
HappyJadeLion · 28/05/2024 08:13

sarahc336 · 28/05/2024 07:01

Hi op. I work in mental health and he clearly has a personality disorder. He is displaying the classic push people away pull them back type pattern. He is gas lighting you to try and reduce his own insecurities, portraying you as the unstable one. He also probably leaves as this allows him to feel the one in control as deep down he's likely to fear being abandoned so him going is him leaving rather than taking the risk you might. This pattern of behaviour won't change unless he goes through intensive therapy which I'm assuming is unlikely. You need to leave as he is abusive in his relationship style, it will cause you to loose all sense of self esteem if you stay, good luck.

Thank you for your reply, no chance of him having therapy even though he has been told he needs it, he’s also meant to be on medication for his personality disorder but doesn’t take it as he “doesn’t need it” of course when I met him he was nothing like this, he love bombed me I now feel. I realise this won’t get better, if I didn’t own the house I’d have left yesterday

OP posts:
Ofcourseshecan · 28/05/2024 09:38

HappyJadeLion · 27/05/2024 20:46

We own a house together unfortunately, I am due to go home tomorrow for a few days and I have booked in some house viewings. I’m angry at myself for ever moving to be honest, of course if I knew this I would never have moved, I just feel a fool

You’re not a fool, OP. You made an honest and understandable mistake in loving this difficult man, and had the good will to keep trying with him. You did your best, he wasn’t worth it and now you’re getting organised to leave him. Very sensible! You’re moving on, and I wish you the best of luck.