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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Am I totally crazy to think of going back?!

70 replies

AmusedPearlSeal · 27/05/2024 17:49

I had a thread on here a couple of weeks ago about my controlling boyfriend and left him thanks to everyone’s great advice. I blocked him on social media and my phone, I’ve only archived him on WhatsApp as I can’t bare to block him completely.

I probably just need someone to give my head a wobble as I’m starting to waiver.

We had no contact for almost a week. Saturday morning I must have received 100 messages before he turned up at my house with flowers, I locked the door and went upstairs until he left as I had already made it very clear that I didn’t want to speak. I gave in yesterday and spoke to him on the phone, to tell him that I didn’t want to try anymore. I listened to him tell me how much he cares and loves me for around 2 hrs. When we ended the call he asked if I would call him later in the day before I went to bed, I said probably not but that I would think about it, I didn’t call and woke to more pleading messages, one in particular that said he needed to hear from me so he knew who I was with and where I was - always a major issue.

I have spent another day being bombarded with around 70/80 messages - telling me he loves me, wants to grow old with me, he’s prepared to get counselling, sell his house so us and all the kids can live together, he’ll do all the travelling but for me to please give him another chance.
Now I feel so bad for him and hate to hear him so hurt, I can feel myself starting to waiver…I could just do with a handhold please to help me stay strong!

OP posts:
Supergirl77 · 27/05/2024 19:20

Well you will be absolutely fucking nuts if you do and it would be 10 x worse because he will punish you for having the audacity to walk away from him.

Beautifulbythebay · 27/05/2024 19:22

Your The One would never treat you like he has. Behaving like a cunt means he is a cunt.

EveryOtherNameTaken · 27/05/2024 19:36

No. No. No!

He's still controlling you by forcing you to give in.

Amx · 27/05/2024 20:25

Can you link your old thread? Are you the poster who said the kids might need to change school and you felt bad?

If so, don't go back x

Kittybelle123 · 27/05/2024 20:31

Please don't. As one survivor to another - I know how easy it is read those messages, to believe in what those messages say (down to them saying they will hurt themselves or worse).

This is is hard part. Be strong. He will NOT change. You do NOT need to feel bad for him. Don't look back now that you have made that break Flowers.

WoodBurningStov · 27/05/2024 20:33

He's continuing to ignore your wants and wishes, trampling over your boundaries with not a care for how you are feeling. He's not changed and you'd be made to entertain him

Original poster
AmusedPearlSeal · 27/05/2024 20:39

Amx · 27/05/2024 20:25

Can you link your old thread? Are you the poster who said the kids might need to change school and you felt bad?

If so, don't go back x

I’m not sure about how to add a link to my previous thread but no it wasn’t me who thought they might need to change the kids schools.

OP posts:
Original poster
AmusedPearlSeal · 27/05/2024 20:42

Thank you all, I am hoping he may have got the message by now and that he will leave me alone.

Ironically he was the one who pushed me to get the restraining order against my ex! I know from previous conversations that more than 3 messages in a row can be classed as harassment, today there have been 81. If it continues tomorrow I will call the police.

Thank you for the encouragement that I am doing the right thing.

OP posts:
Starlightstarbright3 · 27/05/2024 20:44

You need to block …

You somehow are hoping this will be ok.

The reason he is bombarding you with messages is because you are not doing what he wants …

He spent 2 hours trying to convince you he loved you . Not I love you want to be hear will be waiting if you change your mind … 2 hours of telling you that you were wrong .

if what others are saying is true about your relationship history you need to be alone.

Terrribletwos · 27/05/2024 20:45

You really, really need to wake up right now!

I have been here. You must, must take control and absolutely get away from this toxic situation. It will kill you mentally...if not physically.

Really, I am 20 years down the line. Believe me, I wish I had got out of this same scenario 20 years earlier! I wasted so much of my life.

Alwaysblindsided · 27/05/2024 21:07

Block on everything.

Lock all doors/windows at all times.

If you can, change your routines to be less predictable.

Definitely do the freedom programme!!

Stay strong, you are far far better off without him than being controlled by him.

Hope you are okay.x

TheShellBeach · 27/05/2024 21:09

Please, please tell the police about this.
He's stalking you.

may2724 · 27/05/2024 21:21

It is not about you OP. It is about his childhood trauma and low self esteem - you are literally just a tool in this drama, sorry to be blunt. You are the co-dependent tool that keeps his love addiction active.

See his sickness as an addiction like any other, to drugs, to alcohol etc - he needs recovery and it is not easy.

You need to realise and find out why you are attracted to his and seek help to.

Good luck

may2724 · 27/05/2024 21:23

Also don't blame him for messing 283648 times a day. take some responsibility and block

Baaliali · 27/05/2024 21:25

Not being able to hear no is the ultimate in controlling behaviour @Alwaysblindsided you dumped him for controlling behaviour but this is it on steroids. Please don’t do that to yourself and your kids.

lifesrichpageant · 27/05/2024 21:25

OP please get some support for yourself during this time. It is hard to "unhook" from this type of coercive emotional manipulation. Surround yourself with healthy people and find ways to ground yourself. Ask yourself what your beliefs are about love and relationships to make this seem remotely acceptable. Get a journal. Turn off your phone. Take care of your heart/body/spirit! Good luck.

Bestyearever2024 · 27/05/2024 21:28

How are his messages getting through if you've blocked him?

If you haven't blocked him, why?

Why haven't you gone to the police?

Kindly - allowing him access to you is encouraging his behaviour, in his mind

StopGo · 27/05/2024 21:36

You are not ready to leave him. Don't waste the police's time.

Gcsunnyside23 · 27/05/2024 21:48

AmusedPearlSeal · 27/05/2024 20:42

Thank you all, I am hoping he may have got the message by now and that he will leave me alone.

Ironically he was the one who pushed me to get the restraining order against my ex! I know from previous conversations that more than 3 messages in a row can be classed as harassment, today there have been 81. If it continues tomorrow I will call the police.

Thank you for the encouragement that I am doing the right thing.

If you go back he will be ten times worse. He will double down on you to trap you in and you'll never be able to leave. He's showing you who he is, don't ignore the signs he's showing you

LuluBlakey1 · 27/05/2024 21:51

AmusedPearlSeal · 27/05/2024 17:49

I had a thread on here a couple of weeks ago about my controlling boyfriend and left him thanks to everyone’s great advice. I blocked him on social media and my phone, I’ve only archived him on WhatsApp as I can’t bare to block him completely.

I probably just need someone to give my head a wobble as I’m starting to waiver.

We had no contact for almost a week. Saturday morning I must have received 100 messages before he turned up at my house with flowers, I locked the door and went upstairs until he left as I had already made it very clear that I didn’t want to speak. I gave in yesterday and spoke to him on the phone, to tell him that I didn’t want to try anymore. I listened to him tell me how much he cares and loves me for around 2 hrs. When we ended the call he asked if I would call him later in the day before I went to bed, I said probably not but that I would think about it, I didn’t call and woke to more pleading messages, one in particular that said he needed to hear from me so he knew who I was with and where I was - always a major issue.

I have spent another day being bombarded with around 70/80 messages - telling me he loves me, wants to grow old with me, he’s prepared to get counselling, sell his house so us and all the kids can live together, he’ll do all the travelling but for me to please give him another chance.
Now I feel so bad for him and hate to hear him so hurt, I can feel myself starting to waiver…I could just do with a handhold please to help me stay strong!

FFS! Stop indulging him. Block him. Don't listen for 2 hours - are you enjoying it? It sounds like you are. Block him. If a message gets through somehow- delete it without reading/listening. You are giving him contact. Don't speak to him ever again.

Beautifulbythebay · 27/05/2024 21:55

I took an ex back after 6 months. We got married a couple of months later so convinced was I he had changed. 2 weeks in I regretted it. He refused to move to the council place I had moved away to. I continued claiming benefits as he refused to pay bills on MY house... We divorced a year later. He told benefits he had been giving me money.. He absolutely hadn't. I paid back a fortune. He attacked our ds on the street. Actually outside a court. He was a fucking animal. He attacked his own dm. They have written him out of their wills.. Ime if you go back his rage will have escalated. He will surpress it for a short time. Then BOOM... Keep him away and stay safe op.

TheShellBeach · 27/05/2024 22:09

Beautifulbythebay · 27/05/2024 21:55

I took an ex back after 6 months. We got married a couple of months later so convinced was I he had changed. 2 weeks in I regretted it. He refused to move to the council place I had moved away to. I continued claiming benefits as he refused to pay bills on MY house... We divorced a year later. He told benefits he had been giving me money.. He absolutely hadn't. I paid back a fortune. He attacked our ds on the street. Actually outside a court. He was a fucking animal. He attacked his own dm. They have written him out of their wills.. Ime if you go back his rage will have escalated. He will surpress it for a short time. Then BOOM... Keep him away and stay safe op.

OP read this post, over and over again.

Original poster
AmusedPearlSeal · 27/05/2024 22:15

Thank you all! Definitely won’t be going back.
Have just read another post on here about red flags for a controlling ex and I’m sitting here thinking yes, that’s him all over.
I am so glad I stuck it out today instead of communicating with him.
Everyone’s comments have been a huge help in making me realise!x

OP posts:
jimbort · 27/05/2024 23:10

He's conditioned you and has you brainwashed. If you can just ride out the uncomfortable feelings of being away from him they are only temporary feelings and you'll soon get to be happy. It's a very strange phenomenon. If you be not already read it then read the Lundy Bancroft book. Once you've realised his messed up patterns of thinking that drive his behaviour you can't unknow that he won't change. Sending love and strength to you. This is hard but you are in the eye of the storm. Think about blocking him or even minimising contact in a way that is as least painful to as possible. Take care of you. I bet he hasn't for a while. All his stuff will be about how HE is feeling. Think about you. This won't come easily as you'll be so used to walking on eggshells and meeting all his demands. www.booksfree.org/why-does-he-do-that-pdf-free-download/

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