Am I totally crazy to think of going back?!

[AmusedPearlSeal]

I had a thread on here a couple of weeks ago about my controlling boyfriend and left him thanks to everyone’s great advice. I blocked him on social media and my phone, I’ve only archived him on WhatsApp as I can’t bare to block him completely.

I probably just need someone to give my head a wobble as I’m starting to waiver.

We had no contact for almost a week. Saturday morning I must have received 100 messages before he turned up at my house with flowers, I locked the door and went upstairs until he left as I had already made it very clear that I didn’t want to speak. I gave in yesterday and spoke to him on the phone, to tell him that I didn’t want to try anymore. I listened to him tell me how much he cares and loves me for around 2 hrs. When we ended the call he asked if I would call him later in the day before I went to bed, I said probably not but that I would think about it, I didn’t call and woke to more pleading messages, one in particular that said he needed to hear from me so he knew who I was with and where I was - always a major issue.

I have spent another day being bombarded with around 70/80 messages - telling me he loves me, wants to grow old with me, he’s prepared to get counselling, sell his house so us and all the kids can live together, he’ll do all the travelling but for me to please give him another chance.
Now I feel so bad for him and hate to hear him so hurt, I can feel myself starting to waiver…I could just do with a handhold please to help me stay strong!

Having just read your other thread you'd be an absolute FOOL to go back with him, putting it mildly.

I don't think you are going to get rid of him easily. Don't hesitate to call the Police if he turns up.

I''m sure lots of previous posters have mentioned this but please look into the freedom program

I'd be inclined to ask the police for a Clare's Law disclosure on this bloke.

woke to more pleading messages, one in particular that said he needed to hear from me so he knew who I was with and where I was - always a major issue.
So even in seperation and apparently desperately wanting you back he can't manage to rein in his jealousy or respect your boundaries. You do know he's jealousy/insecurity whatever he wants to call it is his problem not yours? It's not your job to reassure him, it's his job to fix the things that make having a relationship with him a really bad idea. He needs to spend a lot of time in therapy and working on himself BEFORE he is fit to have a relationship with someone. He's once again showing exactly who he is and for both your sakes you need to end this and block him properly.

What on earth makes you think you meant to be with a stalkery, abusive, controlling man? His behaviour is not normal and his empty promises are just that: empty promises. You are being lovebombed because he wants you back under his control - he doesn’t like losing it. There are millions of great, lovely, men out there - there’s no need to pick a low grade, rubbish one.

And you can’t keep dating someone just so his kids won’t be upset. Let me guess, you do a big chunk of the free childcare on his contact days - so he’s lost himself a childminder. No wonder he’s spitting feathers.

Block him!!!

@AmusedPearlSeal

Please remember this

He did also once give me a love bite ‘so people would know I was his’

When you decide to once and for all get out of your life and your children's lives someone who considers he can brand you as his property.

Call the police to great him to back off, get a restraining order, etc. 🌹

Yes, you would be.

He's clearly lovebombing you, and would be back to his old ways in a heartbeat if you got back with him.

You need to reflect on why you are attracted to this type of man (I think earlier on in the thread a restraining order for a previous ex was mentioned), and do the work to make sure you don't enter this kind of relationship again.

How dare he try to guilt trip you about the kids.

That controlling, manipulative bully is the absolute worst thing you could inflict on them.

Notice his only real worry is that you're not with anyone else? He thinks you're his property. I don't need to read your other thread to see that this prick has the potential to move into dangerous stalker territory, please stay safe, and for the love of God never let him anywhere near your family again!

He's stalking you. He's awful.

Stay strong, OP!

In your previous thread he was becoming controlling and he just let himself into your house late at night, it seems to check up on what you were doing. He also wanted to track your phone to see where you were when you were at work and all kinds of other concerns jng behaviours.

You then went to his house with your kids for your birthday and he became verbally abusive and you left in a hurry with the whole of Mumsnet begging you to get out with your kids fast.

You also said that you had a restraining order against a previous ex so we know that as a survivor of abuse you find it hard to know what are normal boundaries and what is normal in a relationship.

Everyone said this wouldn't be the end of it, that he would start begging you for another chance, turn up, send flowers and all sorts.
And this is what he is doing. Please do not weaken! Did you send him one clear written message saying you do not want any further contact with you or your children after you ended it?

He is stalking you and you need to tell the police. Also warn your kids school. It may escalate so keep your doors locked!

Do not cave in! If he was a genuine man who had been misunderstood he would respect your wishes even if he thought he hadn't done anything wrong.

He is not doing that because he is an abuser.

He need to know where you are and who you are with?
It's none of his fucking business!!
Contact the police and block his messages
People like this never change
Don't go back, please x

He's a narcissist psychopath. Run!

he needed to hear from me so he knew who I was with and where I was - well there you have it. He does not want to hear from you so that he knows that you are well and coping, but so that HE can keep tabs on you. He should not be doing that when you were in a relationship, and certainly should not be doing that now that the relationship is over.

You fear that you might be throwing something away - but you need to think hard about what it is that you have given up - are they positive things or negative things?

It is so easy to get set into a routine that begins to accept what is unacceptable, and the longer it goes on the harder it feels to put an end to it - it becomes familiar.

You have taken a big and important step and change is always disturbing. You need to give it time to get into a new normal and you will only succeed in that by refusing to communicate with him.

You satisfy his need to control; but he does not satisfy your need to be loved and supported - that is not his agenda.

You cannot make your happiness dependent on another person - let alone a scary and controlling one. You have to learn to be happy by yourself and in yourself.

How are you getting on, OP?

Thanks for asking.
I’m getting on ok, I feel a lot happier about it all today and I’ve been enjoying my weekends totally free to do whatever I like.
I don’t know if you read my other thread that was linked but I’ve had the MA and after reading all the horror stories about how awful it was and expecting the worst, it actually wasn’t that bad but I think maybe I haven’t processed all of that yet.

I did give in to him one evening and talk about how things would change if we tried again and after hearing what he said and thinking about it the thought of actually doing it made me feel sick so I put a stop to it once and for all, we’ve had 5 days of total no contact now! So pleased that the pleading and begging has stopped.
I think tbf he was more upset that he wasn’t getting his own way than actually about me, I think I was seen more of a possesion to him than anything else.

I'm pleased you have updated @AmusedPearlSeal .

I think your last sentence is incredibly insightful:
I think tbf he was more upset that he wasn’t getting his own way than actually about me, I think I was seen more of a possesion to him than anything else

100%, you've seen right through him.