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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Am I totally crazy to think of going back?!

70 replies

AmusedPearlSeal · 27/05/2024 17:49

I had a thread on here a couple of weeks ago about my controlling boyfriend and left him thanks to everyone’s great advice. I blocked him on social media and my phone, I’ve only archived him on WhatsApp as I can’t bare to block him completely.

I probably just need someone to give my head a wobble as I’m starting to waiver.

We had no contact for almost a week. Saturday morning I must have received 100 messages before he turned up at my house with flowers, I locked the door and went upstairs until he left as I had already made it very clear that I didn’t want to speak. I gave in yesterday and spoke to him on the phone, to tell him that I didn’t want to try anymore. I listened to him tell me how much he cares and loves me for around 2 hrs. When we ended the call he asked if I would call him later in the day before I went to bed, I said probably not but that I would think about it, I didn’t call and woke to more pleading messages, one in particular that said he needed to hear from me so he knew who I was with and where I was - always a major issue.

I have spent another day being bombarded with around 70/80 messages - telling me he loves me, wants to grow old with me, he’s prepared to get counselling, sell his house so us and all the kids can live together, he’ll do all the travelling but for me to please give him another chance.
Now I feel so bad for him and hate to hear him so hurt, I can feel myself starting to waiver…I could just do with a handhold please to help me stay strong!

OP posts:
MrsDanversGlidesAgain · 27/05/2024 17:57

Yes you would. He's stalking you and in your shoes I'd be getting police involved.

one in particular that said he needed to hear from me so he knew who I was with and where I was - always a major issue

So what more do you need? this man doesn't think you have any agency in your life. It's all about the control for him - the number of messages, the flowers, the pleading, the begging, the demand to know who you're with - and this is him trying to prove he's changed into someone you might want to get back with!

Purplecatshopaholic · 27/05/2024 17:59

He won’t change op. He’s an ex for a reason, please Stay Strong.

BCBird · 27/05/2024 18:00

You know what life will be like if u.are with him. Don't go there. Stay strong 💪 u deserve better
.

AttilaTheMeerkat · 27/05/2024 18:03

Such controlling behaviour is abusive behaviour and he was never going to let go of you that easily.

Get the police involved now, they will have a word with him. Such contact from him is unwarranted and not wanted by you.

He will continue to harass you and trample over your boundaries if you give him even one minute of your time. Your mistake here was to at all acknowledge him and listen to him for 2 hours albeit after being worn down by his constant messaging. Remove him from WhatsApp as well.

ConflictedCheetah · 27/05/2024 18:03

He's still controlling you - not allowing you distance or headspace, controlling your movements to avoid him, wanting to know where you are and who you're with.

He's still a controlling dick. Do. not. Waiver.

TheseBootsAreWalking · 27/05/2024 18:04

You are being stalked by your ex now, and he will never change, regardless of all the flowers, pleading and whatever he is throwing at you to get your attention.

He is even asking you now, when you are not together, where you are and who with, stop giving him attention, any attention, even opening his messages gives the likes of him a twisted hope when normal people would respect your wishes.

He does not respect you, he is just wanting to control you, its not love, and you are missing the person that he sold you in the beginning, the real him is the abuser. He is showing you loud and clear how he feels about you, and I promise the reason he is wanting you back is because he knows your worth, but hopes you dont and he fears someone out there will treat you better than he ever will.

Stop all contact, tell him you will go to the police if he does not is not listen to your wishes.

Beautifulbythebay · 27/05/2024 18:05

You have ripped that plaster off op. Don't go back. He hasn't changed has he? A good man doesn't need Another Chance.

He wouldn't have fucked up the first one.

OmuraWhale · 27/05/2024 18:05

This behaviour is scary OP. Not romantic. Please don't consider taking him back.

Sauvblanctime · 27/05/2024 18:05

DO NOT GET BACK WITH THIS MAN

This is stalking & harassment

block him on ALL platforms and call the police immediately x

IfMichaelMosleysVoiceWasWrittenasMusicalScore · 27/05/2024 18:05

Now I feel so bad for him and hate to hear him so hurt

This is what he wants, what he has manipulated you into feeling. Read your other thread again.

Keep those messages and any and all records of his contact, I agree with PP about contacting the police.

TheShellBeach · 27/05/2024 18:07

OP this is stalking.

Make no mistake.

You're in danger! Report this to the police immediately.

Block him everywhere and consider moving in with a family member or friend, to get away from this very dangerous man.

IfMichaelMosleysVoiceWasWrittenasMusicalScore · 27/05/2024 18:07

BTW, he's not hurt, he's angry. I would recommend reading In Control by Jane Monckton Smith if you have any doubt.

Original poster
AmusedPearlSeal · 27/05/2024 18:08

Thank you.

I know I shouldn’t be reading his messages.

And when I asked him yesterday for space and time with no contact, he has completely ignored my wishes and has shown he has no respect for what I want or need at the moment.

I just keep thinking what if I throw all of this away and he was the one I was meant to be with and what if I’m never happy again, because when everything was ok, it was the best feeling in the world.

He is also trying to make me feel guilty by saying how upset his kids will be.

OP posts:
FuckoffeeBeforeCoffee · 27/05/2024 18:08

Aren't you pregnant? Think of the baby.

Pashazade · 27/05/2024 18:10

When everything was ok......but only when you did it all his way. Happy should be on your terms not someone else's. Delete him from WhatsApp you need to keep walking away.

WeeOrcadian · 27/05/2024 18:10

You've binned him.ofd, the hard part

Yet he still wants to know who you're with? He's harassing you now. The police need to be involved.

I've been there, years ago, they take these things much more seriously now

He's still showing you how he is - he doesn't trust you but he no longer 'has control" over you so he's love-bombing you instead

Stay strong, you've done the hardest part

MrsDanversGlidesAgain · 27/05/2024 18:11

I just keep thinking what if I throw all of this away

All WHAT away? being stalked, harassed, controlled, manipulated?

and he was the one I was meant to be with

There's no such bloody thing as 'the one you're meant to be with' outside romcoms* And if you think there is, you need to do some serious work on yourself and how you've fallen for the myth and what it's led you into.

*And look at those objectively they're creepy, stalkerish and controlling.

TheShellBeach · 27/05/2024 18:13

You're pregnant and you have children.

You've had a previous violent relationship.

This relationship that you've just ended is controlling and abusive, too.

This is the man who just walked into your house, having let himself in.

He's terrifying! Please, please tell the police about this. Protect your children.

TheseBootsAreWalking · 27/05/2024 18:15

Most of us here advising you have been there where you are OP, we have had the 100 messages, the pleeding calls, and the flowers, the lot, and there are probably some of us that took the bastard back. I did. What I received once he was back was horrid.

Your ex is playing a part, his words are a script to reel you in, the "think of the kids" its to grind you down, and if you go back you will be kicking yourself after 48 hours when all the abuse starts again.

On average it takes a woman 7 attempts to leave an abuser. He is not the love of your life, you are trauma bonded to the abuse he has been dishing out because he feels like it.

ComfyButFrumpy · 27/05/2024 18:20

Your poor kids. Maybe think of them if you are wavering.

IfMichaelMosleysVoiceWasWrittenasMusicalScore · 27/05/2024 18:22

because when everything was ok, it was the best feeling in the world.

That also is manipulation - it's what he uses to keep you there, to make you put up with the bad times and even to think they're your fault. It's all control and manipulation, the whole thing, it's not a real relationship because they're not capable of such a thing.

Have you considered contacting Women's Aid or similar? It sounds like you could do with some real life support for this.

category12 · 27/05/2024 18:53

when I asked him yesterday for space and time with no contact, he has completely ignored my wishes and has shown he has no respect for what I want or need at the moment.

If you take him back, you're signing up for more of having your wants & needs ignored so he can have what he wants.

he needed to hear from me so he knew who I was with and where I was - always a major issue.

If you take him back, you'll be signing up for more control and suspicion, probably worse than before, being policed and checked up on. Your attempt to leave will give him ammunition for why you cant be trusted.

when everything was ok, it was the best feeling in the world.

But it doesn't last, does it? When everything is not OK, it's how he behaves then that matters. Anyone can be lovely when things are going their way, it's how they act when things are difficult that shows their real character.

TheShellBeach · 27/05/2024 19:06

Also, OP - he has accused you of being unfaithful before now.

Remember when he insisted on knowing your location at all times?

You were concerned enough about that to end things with him. FGS don't take him back!

persisted · 27/05/2024 19:17

Don't listen to what he says, look at what he does. Words are easy.

He is continuing to ignore your wishes and try to control you. Trying to make you feel guilty for his kids being upset, which is a result of his actions.

Log everything and contact the police. This is harassment and you don't have to put up with it.

Olika · 27/05/2024 19:18

I just keep thinking what if I throw all of this away and he was the one I was meant to be with and what if I’m never happy again, because when everything was ok, it was the best feeling in the world.

He is not the one! C'mon, you deserve more than this. Life is short and the longer you waste time with this man the less time you have left to be with someone amazing.

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