What is wrong with me? Am I just that self-absorbed?

[BlueRedCandle]

I keep forgetting important things people tell me. I never inquire or check out with them how things went.

Examples:

• Mum had a minor procedure, local anaesthetic, in and out of hospital within hours. She told me a few days before that it was happening on that Thursday (example) coming. She called me a week later, I didn't acknowledge the procedure at all (I had completely forgotten) and she casually dropped in the conversation that she was a bit sore etc. Eventually, it dawned on me that shit yes she was having xyz!

• Dad was having a minor operation as well, this time full anesthesia, he told me a month before that at X date of May he was going in for his operation. Anyway, we are now in May and a few days ago I was thinking that I haven't talked to him in a while. I was trying to remember when we last spoke and then I remembered the conversation we had about his operation that was happening in May... Needless to say the date has come and gone, he is out of hospital and has been out for days and I never once called to see how it went, how he is feeling etc.

I feel guilty. I don't know why I don't seem to care enough to remember. The examples above were the worst things I have forgotten over the years. I also forget appointments and important results they have waited to hear from doctors etc.

With friends as well, they will tell me for example they have a big interview in 2 days, well by the end of the phone call I would have already forgotten and I might remember a week or two later when I am contemplating how is xyz friend.

Am I just too self centered? I have realised I have become worse with the years. I am aware I have an issue and when I push myself mentally I do inquire about how things went but it's like, and this will sound awful, another thing to add to my to-do-list because I know if I don't it might upset people.

If they have a need right now, do you care enough to act with compassion and empathy?

Do you have ADHD symptoms?

Do you have trouble remembering what day it is?

Sounds like you don’t care enough. If you did you’d even take a reminder in your Calander ie mums in hospital.

wpuld you be upset if people treated you like you treat them?

All of us are self-centred to varying degrees.

How old are you? What else is going on in your life? I was like you when I was in my twenties, concentrating on my career didn't leave much time for remembering my grandparents' illnesses.

A wall chart helps me remember things now. If someone tells me something important like your examples, I will scribble it on the wall chart as I'm chatting to them on the phone. That sort of system might help you too?

It’s her parents and a friends interview. Why down play it.

Put them in your calendar as soon as they tell you.

I would say it sounds as if you have an excessive mental load. Don't put pressure on yourself to remember, let your phone (or paper diary) do the work! Few people would remember so many birthdays without Facebook.

I am not downplaying it @Sillystrumpet if you read what I've actually posted.

I have to put important stuff in my calendar. It’s not that I don’t care but that life seems to go quicker than my brain can keep up with these days.

I have a friend who said to me once something like ‘you’re so good with dates and remembering things, I’m terrible! I write things on a calendar and then just don’t look at it’….. well, I write things down too. I have a diary and then a weekly schedule displayed in the kitchen which I look at all the time. I don’t just magically remember stuff. I actually make an effort. Write down your parents’ ops, for example OP, and then write down ‘check how mum is doing’ etc. Or set an alarm in your phone or whatever works for you. It’s a habit almost anyone can develop.

I could have written this for the last few years. I've discovered I have a mix of hyperthyroidism and B12 deficiency. I'd suggest you have brain fog if you can't remember things. If it is getting to the point you can't remember basic directions (I sometimes forget where I am going when driving!) it can be a sign it's getting worse - untreated my conditions can lead to dementia for example. I'm going to be starting treatment for them soon but it is worrying how long I've suffered and how many undiagnosed people must be out there, doing daily tasks without treatment.

For me I would always say I am sorry if I had forgotten something and say I had forgotten - I'm sure some people thought I was just being rude or too arrogant to try to remember or whatever. I did always try to explain I just couldn't retain information.

I’m similar to you. I have to set reminders constantly to remind myself to do even the simplest of tasks. I have to set a reminder the day before the task, then a reminder an hour before then a reminder at the time. It’s exhausting, but it helps me. Try it 💕

If you have a decent relationship with your parents, I think it's quite strange to just forget they were having an op (even if it is minor). Is there something else going on? Stress? Or maybe you just genuinely don't care that much?

If you want to get better at this stuff, put it in your phone calendar as soon as a person mentions it and enable notifications so you get a reminder. I do this if friends tell me about important stuff, job interviews etc as in the busyness of life, it can be easy to forget the specifics of other people's lives. But if these people are important to you then it's nice to let them know you care by actually asking how they are or how things went.

I have this problem as well.

I can't remember the links between people, family webs, who died of what and when, what exactly my parents various health goings on are, what jobs people I've known for years do, how old peoples children are, neighbours names if I was only told once, the names of songs I love - even the bands names often.

My head is always full of thoughts too - if not a running commentary of everything I've done, need to do, going to cook, jobs need doing, what I'm doing tonight/tmrw/next week, its song on a loop for days sometimes.

I think there's just so much going on - I can't remember the conversational stuff - even though I'm fully present and absorbed at the time.
It's like my brain deals with it there and then, then and dumps it and moves on to the next thing.

You need to write the important stuff down.

When I worked as a schools adviser I would make notes on each school. Who was there, what their role was, what they were worried about.

Do that for your family. Then you will remember.

A lot of social skills are actually about working out how to do it.

Possible adhd also occurred to me (my dd has been diagnosed and I almost certainly have it). There is an online initial screening questionnaire here

https://add.org/adhd-test/

I have reminders in my phone for this very thing. If my mam tells me she has an appointment on such a date I immediately put a reminder in my phone for that day saying "ask mam about her appointment". Otherwise it goes out of my head. It's not that I don't care but I'm so tired & busy & perimenopausal that I just can't keep everything in there.

I live in a different country from my parents and closest friends so I couldn't be there for them physically immediately, but if they needed to just talk then yes I would listen and try and be supportive in the moment from afar. It's just when we hang up and I seem to file things somewhere in my brain and don't revisit that memory until something reminds me of the situation.

About ADHD, I don't think so? I am not impulsive or hyperactive. I can take ages and I mean ages trying to make a decision as I will have to look at it from all angles, pros and cons etc.

In terms of forgetting, I have (or used to have) amazing memory in remembering people's birthdays for example and then on the actual day I will simply forget. Even the night before I will tell myself, right tomorrow is Anne's birthday, I need to message her. Better do it first thing in the morning. All good, all great. Well, tomorrow comes and guess what... I completely forget. Like why?!

ADHD, deficiencies etc are all red herrings really… they’re part of life… just find coping mechanisms, techniques that work etc. People will ADHD, conditions etc can be perfectly high achieving and competent.

It sounds silly but at the time in my mind, I think I will remember, it doesn't even dawn on me to write it down somewhere in that moment. In hindsight I should have for everything.

I actually don't care if people remember me? My dad completely forgot my birthday one year and I wasn't upset or insulted. I had a breast scan for a lumb and a biopsy and again dad didn't remember to inquire about how it went or results until the next time we spoke which was a few weeks later and again I was fine that he didn't remember.

However, I know not everyone feels that way so hence I do feel guilty when I don't always check in when I should.

I am early 30s, work full time, have an autistic child with problems at school and no support network nearby, so I guess lots of worries in my head. Part of me just feels burned out to be honest. I often dream of a remote island in the middle of nowhere.

To my utter shame, I do actually have a small calendar diary/notebook thingy in my bag that I bought in order to try and keep track with the appointments my child has and various others but I often forget to use that as well and I end up with lots of post it notes scattered about between work and home.

I think I need to make a more conscious effort to utilise it.

I have similar issues. Not so much with family but with friends. I do think you need to start writing things down if you want to remember them. Agree with poster above that you probably have a mental overload.

Do you remember your own commitments without writing them down?

Put reminders in your phone. It sounds like maybe unconsciously you think ‘they didn’t remember for me’ and repay them in kind. And also you have a lot on and just need to focus on your child etc, and are not driven to care about your parents and friends in much detail?

Probably a bit of a case of out of sight, out of mind with the distance.

I think reminders in your phone is the way to go.

I used to but then after having a child commitments suddenly went up and I realised I can't keep up with remembering so I started writing down upcoming appointments/school meetings/etc. I have a small notebook/diary but even that I don't always remember to use and I just end up with multiple pieces of paper scattered about or letters from the nhs 'glued' on the fridge.

I’m like that also, I swear. We need to write things down, really!

I have 4 appointments this week and not one written down yet. Tuesday at ?, Wed at 730am Wed at 5pm, Thursday at 7am. And and upcoming another one I am not sure about. It’s ridiculous.

I’ll do it now.

Interesting you mentiom thyroid as I have wondered the last few weeks if that could be playing up. I have had headaches for a while (mri showed nothing), feeling tired, always cold, sudden weight gain but then I am iron deficient so it might be that rather than my thyroid.