What is wrong with me? Am I just that self-absorbed?

[BlueRedCandle]

I keep forgetting important things people tell me. I never inquire or check out with them how things went.

Examples:

• Mum had a minor procedure, local anaesthetic, in and out of hospital within hours. She told me a few days before that it was happening on that Thursday (example) coming. She called me a week later, I didn't acknowledge the procedure at all (I had completely forgotten) and she casually dropped in the conversation that she was a bit sore etc. Eventually, it dawned on me that shit yes she was having xyz!

• Dad was having a minor operation as well, this time full anesthesia, he told me a month before that at X date of May he was going in for his operation. Anyway, we are now in May and a few days ago I was thinking that I haven't talked to him in a while. I was trying to remember when we last spoke and then I remembered the conversation we had about his operation that was happening in May... Needless to say the date has come and gone, he is out of hospital and has been out for days and I never once called to see how it went, how he is feeling etc.

I feel guilty. I don't know why I don't seem to care enough to remember. The examples above were the worst things I have forgotten over the years. I also forget appointments and important results they have waited to hear from doctors etc.

With friends as well, they will tell me for example they have a big interview in 2 days, well by the end of the phone call I would have already forgotten and I might remember a week or two later when I am contemplating how is xyz friend.

Am I just too self centered? I have realised I have become worse with the years. I am aware I have an issue and when I push myself mentally I do inquire about how things went but it's like, and this will sound awful, another thing to add to my to-do-list because I know if I don't it might upset people.

Same here. My concentration has never been good but once I got to menopause it's about a ten minute span. Unless I write things down, there no point in me even knowing them. I don't think I'm uncaring, but I have a very busy brain.

Unless you're a trained adhd specialist, which I'm sure you're not with your line of questioning don't try and plant a seed of adhd into the person's head with no valid reason to do so. In modern day life we can be forgetful and it does not mean we have adhd. Being forgetful if you're going down a medical route could me many illness why are you plugging adhd???? If this is your line of questioning do you say this to absolutely everybody that you know ???

I love both parents and I know they love me, but I genuinely don't know why I don't feel 'panicked'/concerned with anything medical related. Even with my own health I am just whatever, what will be, will be. If someone tells me they have hospital appointments or are feeling under the weather I will be sympathetic/listen at what they have to say at that moment in time but then I don't always follow up for updates as it seems that my brain files that info away until something jiggles my memory.

My mum is just the opposite in that regard to the point I have stopped telling her any health issues I am having as she falls apart, calling me or messaging me non stop wanting to know updates and what's going on with results etc.

One time DC was sick, had a fever and a cold, but despite the fever he was still active, eating and looked happy. I was unconcerned and we were dealing with all his symptoms at home. Mum phoned and she was asking what doctor said, have they given antibiotics when I said Dr hasn't seen him and now it's Sunday so we can't see a GP she was panicking saying I should take him to the hospital, it's day 2 of fever, why it's not going down, have I looked for any rashes on his skin (i think she had been googling symptoms). I ended up phoning 111 as she started stressing me out. DS was fine and the fever was gone the next day.

My DH is similar. He's intelligent and he's not neurodivergent or uncaring, he just can't remember these things. He jokes that the best way to keep a secret is to share it with him because he'll forget before he has a chance to pass it on. He's been aware of this since before I met him, uses phone prompts for his own appointments, and I keep a big calendar open on a table with trips, family birthdays, occasions etc. I'm the opposite and can hold multiple timetables in my head.

I was like that when I had small kids at home. I just didn't have the headspace.

Perhaps when someone tells you about an upcoming event that's important to them say then and there: "please do call me afterwards and let me know how it went, I really hope it goes well for you" so they know you do care and there's more chance of you catching up with them one way or the other?

I think that you have a lot going on in your own life and are a bit burnt out. Try to create space for yourself to do nothing, even half an hour in the evening.

A calendar in the kitchen or home office would help as you could write events in the squares. I have an open calendar in my home office, week to view. I write all non work things there.

I am like this since having 2 dcs at 40 and continuing fulltime work. I am early 50s now. I find that regularly making even half an hour to do nothing, resets my brain, and I am not as bad with remembering.

I don't tell anyone IRL as a lot of women my age work part time and can be sneery about someone not keeping on top of things. They have implied that I was selfish for not remembering, even though I had little free time and rarely socialised. Hell, if we all workef a bit less, we would have more energy for remembering.

I have also started writing down close relations snd friends parents anniversaries of death. This is so I don't text a friend around the anniversary of their parent and look to meet up without acknowledging it.

As a PS - I am definitely still like it a bit but have more headspace now so have more focus eg for relatives.

When I need to remember something important for myself that I can't do then and there eg to phone for an appointment, I do often just add an alarm to my phone to give myself a nudge. It quite often works 😅

I think there's just so much going on - I can't remember the conversational stuff - even though I'm fully present and absorbed at the time.
It's like my brain deals with it there and then, then and dumps it and moves on to the next thing.

This really resonates with me. I didn't used to be like that but the last few years I have become exactly like that.

I have a colleague who I really like and consider a friend and yet in the last 2 years I have asked what her parents names are probably about 3 times and right now I still don't remember! I am too embarrassed to ask again by this point. After the second time I actually told myself this time I will remember. Hours later I was repeating their names in my head just to make sure they stay there. Well, days/weeks later all gone.

Conversation with a close friend telling me about a date he had. Months later and he asks me if I remember about that date he was telling me about with A etc. My brain was completely blank. After a bit of questioning vague memories came back but I had to really dig for them.

It's like I have reached a point where memory is full and nothing sticks anymore.

I think after reading everyones replies that that might be the way forward.

I have a terrible memory, so I just write everything important down on a calendar on the wall where I can't fail to see it. And I try to get others in the house to write things on too so we all know what is going on when. I also write myself notes about more trivial things I want to remember.

I really don’t see what’s ridiculous about that? Sounds like a normal amount of things to keep track of really. People really do rely on writing things down, it’s not unusual. I don’t get what’s ridiculous - that you can’t remember those things in your head? Not sure many people do! Not trying to be snarky but just wondering😄

I don't have my birthday public on facebook as I don't want people wishing me happy birthday. A few old friends used to remember anyway but over the years they started forgetting and to be honest I felt relieved that they did as then the pressure came off and I didn't feel I had to send them happy birthday every year.

I don't think I am doing it for revenge (especially the medical stuff) as I am laid back if someone forgets me. The only person I would probably be upset if he forgot a birthday or anniversary is my husband. Actually, i had an mri recently and he never asked me if I have heard anything about results, from GP etc. I have had results back and I don't even think I have told him. Maybe I have, I actually don't remember!

It’s ridiculous that I don’t write it down, I mean. I used to just remember everything and rarely messed it up. I still think I should remember it. I had some kind of strange recall when I was younger that I could recall something scheduled months in advance at just the right time.

We all have to remember more things than we did 10 years ago, as a species in general with so many new things happening, and because we all immediately doubled our mental load again after covid and it takes some time to get back into things.

Not always remembering every single thing doesn't mean you have ADHD or dementia 🙄 It just means you're human.

You don't need to remember your colleague's parents names or your friends' parents' anniversaries, or beat yourself up about not remembering them. Just keep it simple. What is actually important. And put it in a planner or calendar. Then look at the next day or the next week. Or use your phone as people have suggested.

And give yourself a break, seriously. I've worked with maybe 200 people in the past 10 years and I know 0 of their parents' names. And it's had 0 impact on my life.

That's a good suggestion too, thank you.

With that example I was only trying to remember the parents' names as that colleague is the closest thing I have to a friend in this country. I am not very outgoing or chatty so making friendships doesn't come naturally to me. I tend to keep to myself.

And knowing how self centered I can be with not showing interest/inquiring about other people I tried to make an effort to learn about her life. She mentioned her parents a lot over the last year or two due to them having health issues and she was often stressing/worrying about them.
Add the fact she always seems to have an amazing memory with anything I have mentioned overtime even in passing, I feel I am a crappy friend!

I know you have a calender but I think a bullet journal might be more useful, if you remember to use it.
You don't have to set it up exactly as this guy does - figure out what's works for you. Also don't waste energy on feeling ashamed or embarrassed. Just do whatever you need to do to remember.

@BlueRedCandle I currently have 61 reminders on my phone.
Some are daily like meds. Some are weekly like 'put out bins', some are monthly like 'worm/flea treatment for cat, and then I have lots & lots of annual birthday reminders for parents, brothers, nieces/nephews, friends. I also have an annual reminder for when my close friend lost her son just so I remember to check in with her more around that time.
I also add in appointments, reminders to ask others about their appointments etc.
I literally cannot function without my reminders hahahaha

I can be the same OP. Then when whatever it is gets dropped into the conversation I'm mortified that I forgot.

To such an extent, I do write things down to remind me because I know what I'm like and how it makes me feel when I've forgotten.

I totally get where you’re coming from, I used to have a great memory but it’s almost like I’ve got amnesia now. It’s appalling.

Happened to me since having kids, I think it’s a question of bandwidth and being overstretched. I have to write stuff down, it’s really frustrating.

Handy, low tech method for keeping track-

Get a notebook and not down important things as they occur to you/ you are told them.

Once a day have a coffee and glance through the book crossing things out that are no longer relevant- past, or no longer interesting.

As you look you’ll be reminded of things you want to remember- book bloods with GP, mum’s op, Fred’s results.

It’s not as formal as a diary, where if you don’t look you won’t know and you have to put things in the right place.
It’s more like a journal. You can doodle in it. Stick cartoons on it. Tuck business cards and postcards in it.

Looking through it isn’t a chore or a tick list, more like window shopping or looking at old photos.

Sounds like poor executive function OP, I'm the same and have to write everything down. I am also the worst for putting things down somewhere and then forgetting where.

I would make good use of the alarm and calendar in your phone - I've started doing that. If I want to make sure I remember something happening. In the next 24 hours I'll set an alarm and change the reminder. Otherwise calendar with 2 reminders.
Do it immediately - as soon as someone tells you something.
Try and get into a routine everyday of checking the calendar and doing a mental run through of things it might be useful to add in there.

Write it all down on a calendar, immediately you get told. We all have limited bandwidth so make it easy for yourself to remember rather than beating yourself up for not caring enough.

Whenever anyone tells me about something important I put it in my phone so I can text them good luck and check in with them afterwards.