Single shaming

[lula99]

I’m wondering how people cope with feelings of shame and judgment around their single status.
Ive been really struggling with this for a while. I’m in my early 30s and have been single for 4 years. I’ve dated for most of that time (OLD) and had a few 2-3 month relationships. However they have either fizzled out or something has happened to cause me to end it. I’m feeling pretty hopeless about the whole thing. I have a successful career, my own place, well travelled, lots of friends and I have quite a few hobbies. I’m very active and (have been told) attractive.

However, given my experiences with dating it’s hard not to feel like there is something wrong with me. Many of my friends are in LTRs and are having kids. I’m happy for them but I just feel so sad that it’s not happening for me. I have managed to make a few new single friends in the last year which has helped. I also work in an office full of women between the ages of 35-45 so a bit older than me but they all are married and some have kids. They are very judgmental and the type of women who are obsessed with their men (all they talk about). Even when I’ve been in relationships I’ve never been like this so I can’t relate (I’ve always been quite independent ). I can tell my colleagues especially think less of me for being single. We had work drinks yesterday and I think this has really triggered my feelings of inadequacy here.

Part of the issue is that I very rarely like someone enough to be in relationship with them. I have done so much work on myself and truly love my life, so someone has to compliment that or they just don’t seem worth giving up my peace for. I have everything else I need. I don’t stand for red flags or abusive behaviour. I do have some friends that are only in their relationships because they put up with crap. Is this what it takes to be in a relationship with a straight man?! I’m starting to think it might be.

I’ve started looking into egg freezing as I would like to have a family.

I feel like I need to get used to the possibility that I may never meet someone. But I feel so ashamed and like I can’t face the world like this. Society is so set up to make single feel like there is something wrong with them. Has anyone been in this situation and if so how have you navigated it? Thank you for reading.

I know it's not much help, but the people judging you are gobshites whose opinions are worth nothing. I'm sixty and lifelong single, and almost every married woman I know says things which make me wonder why the hell it's supposed to be so great. The answer is, of course, that it serves men far more than women; they live longer, healthier lives married, whereas we live longer, healthier lives single. Trouble is, of course, many women still believe the millennia of conditioning, and give other women shit for not being in the same boat.

Some of those colleagues will be in unhappy relationships. Some of their relationships will fail.

A person I work with constantly talks about her husband and you would think their marriage was wonderful. Yet I discovered the other day that her husband left her for a few months recently and has just returned to try again. Yet she never stopped talking about him. Not everything is as it seems.

Having been a "smug married" (and looking back, I can see I was) who ended up being being betrayed and living a lie, I now realise that your relationship with yourself is the most important one. Being single isn't something to be ashamed of.

I used to do that thing where I'd put up with crap and abusive behaviour, and not just in romantic relationships.

Don't do it. Stay single if needs be to avoid that and start owning your freedom to others who bang on about their coupledom. I would bet there are few happily marrieds amongst them who will actually be envious of your lifestyle

I am single by choice and have no intention of ever having a relationship again. It’s just not for me. I don’t enjoy it and it causes me stress and weird feelings of being trapped. I can’t really describe it.

I am the odd one out in that all my friends are either married or in relationships. Most don’t bother asking now as they know I have no interest, but the odd one will quiz me. I just shut them down if they start, it’s no-one business but mine what I choose to do.

I don’t understand why you would be ashamed of not being in a relationship. You just haven’t met any one to be in a relationship with surely.
The women you work with are only telling you what they want you to hear, and even if their relationships are great that’s not a reflection on you.

I'm the only single woman in my work place.

Everyone of them (bar two) are in relationships where they are either bored/disrespected/unhappy or used as a skivvy for their man.

Yes I get lonely sometimes. It's only normal to want someone to share your life with. However I'd rather be single forever than in most of these relationships.

Anyone who judges you can do one. There is nothing wrong with you. The sad reality is that most men are a bit shit and having high standards filters out 99% of them.

I am in my 50s and although I do recognise that there is a sort of "low social capital" to being an older single woman, I know that I fear being in a mediocre relationship with a man I've gone off far more than I fear society's view of me. Although it is irritating.

If anybody shames you for being single, mentally roll your eyes. They are "basic" as the kids would say.

A lot of women put up with such crap because they fear the label "single"

Don't be embarrassed of being single.

I do feel lonely sometimes but not as often as I used to feel hurt/disregarded/worried/frustrated when I was in a relationship that just wasn't right

And to be honest, although feeling lonely isn't fantastic, it kinda gets me out of the house. I might go to a yoga class or a pilates class or out to DIY place and it's not necessarily that you are diminishing your loneliness through deep connections, but it is still satisfying to go and do something you enjoy, and you have less time to sit with the loneliness. It's not suppression because you know what you feel and why, but you can find ways of blocking your time so that you only feel ten minutes of loneliness on a Sunday afternoon. Or whatever.

I'm not in denial here! I can't cure loneliness, or eradicate it! I just remember the anxiety, insecurity, frustration, irritation, sadness at being so disrespected that I used to feel in a relationship, and I had a combination of several of those uncomfortable feelings on the go constantly.

Single for thirty years since I got divorced, and I have never wished I was still in that marriage. Most of my friends are in relationships that they would say are happy but from my perspective that’s because they put up with a lot of crap! It’s always a compromise being in a relationship, and for some people the fear of being alone makes it worth putting up with.

@Owl9to5 puts it perfectly - ‘the fear of being in a mediocre relationship with a man I’ve gone off’. Yes I’m lonely sometimes. It was also very lonely being married to and living with someone who didn’t respect me or love me any more.

Your colleagues probably don’t have the courage to admit the reality of their lives, I bet some of them secretly envy your freedom. Of course they’re presenting a picture of happy domestic bliss, it’s too scary for them to do otherwise!

Having children is another thing. If you think you may want to do that then pursue it, don’t leave it too late. You don’t have to have a partner to have a family.

Jifmicroliquid · Today 08:18

I am single by choice and have no intention of ever having a relationship again. It’s just not for me. I don’t enjoy it and it causes me stress and weird feelings of being trapped. I can’t really describe it.

I also feel like this so at 55 have given up trying to be in a relationship. I actually think that people who ask about your relationship status are the odd ones. I go away on holiday every year with my best friend & both of us were bombarded with "Did you meet anyone on holiday ". They were more interested in that than to hear if we'd had a good time.
Embrace the freedom that single life brings, you can talk to who you want, go where you want & do what you want. Being in a couple isn't always amazing, so many of my friends moan about their partners & wish they had my life. I do get the occasionally feeling of lonliness, but I think this happens if you're in a relationship too.

I'm the only single woman in my friendship group (I was widowed at 47). While I do notice I'm not included when they have dinner parties made up of couples (I just have dinner parties for the women a couple times a year), 90% of the time I'm totally fine with it. Sure it would be nice to have a partner to do things with and carry some of the financial and psychological part of parenting, Someone who I feel shares the same goals for our family. But half my friends are not that happy in their relationships, and I'd rather have no relationship than an unhappy one.
Fortunately I do not know many 'smug marrieds'. Maybe because at our age (50s-60s with kids at uni or older) they are self aware enough that they don't have a reason to be smug. Also looking at their husbands I wouldn't want any of them as my husband! No envy there!

@mondaytosunday
Doesn't it really annoy you that you can't be invited to dinner parties because you aren't in a couple?
I find that sort of thinking from people so outdated and surely not to include a single person is a bit of a "smug married" attitude?
I don't understand why a single person can't be invited to the same dinner party with couples?

Are you sure they are all obsessed with their partners, and look down on you for being single. That’s fairly weird, I do wonder if this is your own feelings, and how you interpret it.

I literally only see that on here. Every time we have people over for dinner, it’s a mix of couples, single people, and people who are in relationships, but their SO is away/doing something else. And if we’re having dinner at someone else’s house, the same. Only inviting couples sounds deeply weird and arbitrary to me, like only inviting people with brown eyes.

What Catsmere (and all the other posters on this thread) said

I’m wondering how people cope with feelings of shame and judgment around their single status.

I don't have any - I've been single for decades after a ten year marriage and wouldn't couple up again if you paid me. If anyone judges me for being single (not divorced, I'm not defining myself for what happened years ago) or thinks I should feel shame, then that says nothing about me and everything about them.

Although it helps that I'm pushing 70 and don't give a scooby about what other people think.

Easy. I don't have any feelings of shame about being single. I'm also early 30s, and left a horribly abusive relationship 5 years ago. I've dated a bit in a time but I haven't found anyone I want to settle down with. I've learnt the hard way that it truly is better to be single than in a miserable relationship.

You sound like you're in a really healthy place with regards to relationships. You enjoy your life and independence and won't settle for someone who doesn't enhance your life. That's a great place to be.

For me what's worse than shame or judgement is the occasional pitying. I ran into an old friend recently who asked whether I've met anyone, when I said no, she did the sad head tilt as if to say "oh, poor you". I assured her I was very happy being single, but got the sense she didn't quite believe me, which was a bit frustrating!

Ultimately though, other people's opinions don't matter. All that matters is that you're content with your life. Anyone who can't wrap their heads around the possibility of being single and happy and fulfilled most likely has their own issues.

Hi OP, I picked this one up at the library the other day. It's called Alonement, by Francesca Spector, and even I (verging on 30 decades living alone) found some very heartening messages in it.

https://www.amazon.co.uk/product-reviews/B08KHCP3PX/ref=cm_cr_unknown?ie=UTF8&filterByStar=five_star&reviewerType=all_reviews&pageNumber=1#reviews-filter-bar

30 decades? I had no idea the admittedly spooky Manderley housekeeper was actually a vampire…😀

Dang. Usually I proofread but not on this occasion. Good spot.

3 decades, of course.

(and there are times, I admit, when I feel like going for the throat of someone who has annoyed me....)

Proper order. (Even leaving aside Mrs Danvers’ giant crush on Rebecca, I imagine the second Mrs de Winter was in fact annoyingly mimsy and wet lettuce-ish.)

(Even leaving aside Mrs Danvers’ giant crush on Rebecca, I imagine the second Mrs de Winter was in fact annoyingly mimsy and wet lettuce-ish.)

With the insight of a few years lurking and posting on this board, I really wonder about that woman (Mrs dW, that is). She's covering for an arrogant authoritative man who she knows is a murderer and she has no support, family or friends. She probably rationalises it by saying Rebecca deserved it. I can imagine that she contorts herself into something he wants but that she might not actually be.

Just hope she got to be a wealthy widow before it was too late.

Sorry for the derail, OP.

It is possible to be in a happy LTR and not look down on single people.
Your colleagues don't sound particularly nice but surely that's a small group you interact with and you have other groups you socialise with who you don't feel judged by.
Another poster threw the question out on whether you're projecting your own feelings of inadequacy. I wonder also if this is the case as lots in your post speaks of you not feeling you'll meet anyone.
I'd enjoy all the things you can which will be harder to when coupled or with children. Ignore your colleagues.

Its true that men (generally) get more out of relationships/marriage than women. I watched a tiktok video the other day that talked about how many people in LTR's or marriages are actually just co-dependent on each other as opposed to being together because they want to be/in love. Honestly I'm seeing more and more woman now (especially over 40s) choosing the single life (me included).

*The sad reality is that most men are a bit shit and having high standards filters out 99% of them.

*
This. With knobs on. Sigh.

Just turned 40 and was single for my entirety of 30's.

I can confirm that it is rough on so many levels. Whether it's not feeling good enough to be in a partner or worrying about being alone forever.

I was sick of going on holiday on my own as not having a partner meant I didn't have anyone to go on holiday with. I hate I became "demoted" below marriage and partnerships etc... I hated that I grateful I felt anytime someone asked me anything about me.

For me it was always this feeling that I should be available to fit in around other people schedules and needs. I was so lonely that I always made time for them. This came to a head last year where after having a real stinker of COVID and some personal drama I really needed to talk to my friend, but she still was insisted on bringing her toddler with her.

Since then, I have worked hard on putting my social engagements first and being consistent with them. As I expected when I stopped being available and doing all the extra work to keep in touch, a lot of these other friendships and relationships dropped off which was sad.

The advice I would give during this time, is to find a group of people that you meet with once a week that can help keep you sane over the next few years. I joined a pub quiz team, and a singing group full of all different people but we are focused on the task not relationships.