Single shaming

[lula99]

I’m wondering how people cope with feelings of shame and judgment around their single status.
Ive been really struggling with this for a while. I’m in my early 30s and have been single for 4 years. I’ve dated for most of that time (OLD) and had a few 2-3 month relationships. However they have either fizzled out or something has happened to cause me to end it. I’m feeling pretty hopeless about the whole thing. I have a successful career, my own place, well travelled, lots of friends and I have quite a few hobbies. I’m very active and (have been told) attractive.

However, given my experiences with dating it’s hard not to feel like there is something wrong with me. Many of my friends are in LTRs and are having kids. I’m happy for them but I just feel so sad that it’s not happening for me. I have managed to make a few new single friends in the last year which has helped. I also work in an office full of women between the ages of 35-45 so a bit older than me but they all are married and some have kids. They are very judgmental and the type of women who are obsessed with their men (all they talk about). Even when I’ve been in relationships I’ve never been like this so I can’t relate (I’ve always been quite independent ). I can tell my colleagues especially think less of me for being single. We had work drinks yesterday and I think this has really triggered my feelings of inadequacy here.

Part of the issue is that I very rarely like someone enough to be in relationship with them. I have done so much work on myself and truly love my life, so someone has to compliment that or they just don’t seem worth giving up my peace for. I have everything else I need. I don’t stand for red flags or abusive behaviour. I do have some friends that are only in their relationships because they put up with crap. Is this what it takes to be in a relationship with a straight man?! I’m starting to think it might be.

I’ve started looking into egg freezing as I would like to have a family.

I feel like I need to get used to the possibility that I may never meet someone. But I feel so ashamed and like I can’t face the world like this. Society is so set up to make single feel like there is something wrong with them. Has anyone been in this situation and if so how have you navigated it? Thank you for reading.

THISSSSSSS! 😻😻😻😻😻😻😻😻😻😻😻

I love being single and am happy and proud of it. I have never come across "single shaming" - I have come across plenty of envy from married woman that I am entirely my own person and completely free.

I think "shingle shaming" is in the eye of the beholder

I think single is utter bliss. It will also be even nicer once ds moves out aged 20 next March. This will be heavenly. True peace and quiet.

30s are quite hard. I'm 44 and been single for 12 years. I would look into egg freezing. You are on the right lines that someone should compliment your life. My only advice would be that if you do meet someone you like then don't be afraid to show them. Other than that it sounds like you are doing everything right.

Professional thinking women can find it hard I think, I've found it easiest when I've been my true self but also made effort to show affection. This has become clearer the longer I have been single as I love being single but I also love and miss affection and that's the one thing I can't provide myself. I'd love the same person to journey through life with. Everyone's reasons for wanting a relationship are going to be different.

Also that you never know what is round the corner, in the end I got a rare illness aged 36 then we had covid so that scuppered a lot of my chances to have children. I'm a little sad but I've really made peace with it. The 'alternative' if you don't have children is to find a guy who wants to FIRE (reach financial independence and retire early) and have a really rich life full of hobbies and things that make you happy (which could be working in what you love, volunteering etc. on your terms.) And there are options like short term or long term foster care if in your heart you want children in your life. It's honestly not the worst thing if it works out differently.

Sometimes people end up with someone because they want financial security and then it's not the greatest relationship but they stay.

I agree about putting friends social events first, I work hard so my time is precious then if I am giving it to friends who are not single it's barely helping me! I ended up quite isolated due to not having enough of me to spread around. Defo prioritise things that would be a way of meeting someone as hobbies are a great way to meet someone. I also work in an all female work place!

Also the shame and judgement- this totally changes in your 40s when everyone wishes they were single like you and it turns into envy for your freedom. Sod people's opinions and comments in this respect.

Part of the issue is that I very rarely like someone enough to be in relationship with them. I have done so much work on myself and truly love my life, so someone has to compliment that or they just don’t seem worth giving up my peace for. I have everything else I need. I don’t stand for red flags or abusive behaviour. I do have some friends that are only in their relationships because they put up with crap.

This is the reason why. And it is your strength.

There is nothing wrong with you at all.

I separated from my husband 12 years ago. I was 37 and surrounded by women who were 'happily' married. And then a funny thing happened. Many of them started to open up to me. One had had affairs her husband didn't know about; one was staying because she didn't want her children to come from a broken home nor lose the social respectability that comes with being married; another had accepted/forgiven her husband's affair; one was living in a gilded cage (a beautiful home and a wealthy husband who wasn't even allowed to have a mobile phone); some were just unhappy in their marriages... of course, a lot of the marriages were happy but there were so many women who were sad in their marriages. At least two women told me they envied my ability to not give a shit and my new single life.

There's nothing wrong with you. You just need someone to he worth it before you'll give up being single. If you just wanted a boyfriend, you could achieve it but you don't.

This. 💯 OP.
Don't settle.

There's also the misguided assumption of a single mature woman poaching their partners. That's why they protest too much that life is great married, and query your status as a singleton. Its society that pressurises women to marry. Historically we were not emancipated, and relied on a spouse to have material goods to survive.

As a singleton, you are answerable to no one. You have the freedom to do what you want, when you want, with whom you want.

I have some friends with lovely partners, and I also have friends whose partners treat them like skivvies but don’t seem to see it or mind. It’s an attitude I grew up with, in my mum’s side of the family. They complained endlessly about their partners doing F all but acted like it was just a given and everyone joked about it. I never understood what the point of it all was. If a partner is bringing nothing to your life and making it harder by leaving a mess everywhere, not doing their share of childcare and generally being a twat, why stay? Why should women be expected to put up with men’s shit?

I’m single by choice because like OP it takes a lot for me to like someone and I won’t put up with shit anymore. I wasn’t able to find someone who wasn’t an arsehole so I gave up. I also get that trapped and uncomfortable feeling in relationships. A relationship would have to enhance my life significantly to be worth my while and so far all romantic relationships have done is drag me down.

It does feel lonely sometimes. Especially when everyone around you is in a relationship and for many every story begins with ‘we’. I know this is a Me issue but I end up thinking, are you not an individual anymore? It’s like the Bechdel Test.

As a singleton, you are answerable to no one. You have the freedom to do what you want, when you want, with whom you want

huh? I’m not answerable to my husband, he’s not my father, I’m not a child. As a married woman I’m answerable to no one and am fully able to do what I want when I want with whom I want. If I want to go out with friends, I can. As can he. The confines we have are like everyone else, pay the bills. Work. Care for kids when younger.

You know what was meant by that post, it's someone pointing out a benefit of being single.
Even in the happiest and most equitable relationships there is an element of compromise at times; the pp was just illustrating that when you are single you don't have to compromise, not that people in relationships are controlling each other.

Far too many of the older women I know have bloody awful husbands who've completely ground them down. Nothing has ever made me regret being lifelong single. The risks are just too high and for me there's nothing that would make it worthwhile, even with the best of men.

After 10 years in a civil partnership, I’ll be forever grateful to myself for having got divorced & started living with cats instead.

I couldn’t live with anyone else now. However lovely they were.

Cats for the win!
(The "guess what he thinks is wrong with me" thread in AIBU is turning into a cat appreciation thread, with pictures!)

Cats are the best. The only creatures I can live with.

The loneliness of being in the wrong relationship, is much worse than that of being single in my experience.

Regarding the sympathy/condescending head tilt / being told you'll meet someone when you least expect it etc, there's a great video on Inst somewhere about the case if singles spoke to married people the same way. I.e.
'I know a great divorce lawyer, she'll get you out of that marriage no problem'.
' Still married to Steve? Thought you would have done better by now...'
Etc etc
I'll try and find it.

https://www.tiktok.com/@sidneymorss/video/7195388472964844846

@writergirl007 brilliant!

I particularly like the couch bit....

Maybe it’s an age thing as I’m single and have a very mixed friendship group married single and dating couples and I’ve never had anything resembling single shaking.

My single friend's are mostly long term single - anything from one to 13 years and we are included and invited out with the couples all the times.