Single shaming

[lula99]

I’m wondering how people cope with feelings of shame and judgment around their single status.
Ive been really struggling with this for a while. I’m in my early 30s and have been single for 4 years. I’ve dated for most of that time (OLD) and had a few 2-3 month relationships. However they have either fizzled out or something has happened to cause me to end it. I’m feeling pretty hopeless about the whole thing. I have a successful career, my own place, well travelled, lots of friends and I have quite a few hobbies. I’m very active and (have been told) attractive.

However, given my experiences with dating it’s hard not to feel like there is something wrong with me. Many of my friends are in LTRs and are having kids. I’m happy for them but I just feel so sad that it’s not happening for me. I have managed to make a few new single friends in the last year which has helped. I also work in an office full of women between the ages of 35-45 so a bit older than me but they all are married and some have kids. They are very judgmental and the type of women who are obsessed with their men (all they talk about). Even when I’ve been in relationships I’ve never been like this so I can’t relate (I’ve always been quite independent ). I can tell my colleagues especially think less of me for being single. We had work drinks yesterday and I think this has really triggered my feelings of inadequacy here.

Part of the issue is that I very rarely like someone enough to be in relationship with them. I have done so much work on myself and truly love my life, so someone has to compliment that or they just don’t seem worth giving up my peace for. I have everything else I need. I don’t stand for red flags or abusive behaviour. I do have some friends that are only in their relationships because they put up with crap. Is this what it takes to be in a relationship with a straight man?! I’m starting to think it might be.

I’ve started looking into egg freezing as I would like to have a family.

I feel like I need to get used to the possibility that I may never meet someone. But I feel so ashamed and like I can’t face the world like this. Society is so set up to make single feel like there is something wrong with them. Has anyone been in this situation and if so how have you navigated it? Thank you for reading.

If you feel inadequate for not having a partner it’s likely that you are imagining that people are judging you. And it sounds like you are also busy judging them. Work on your own happiness and spend time nurturing yourself.

I think you need to change job and find some more intelligent colleagues.

I'm older than you and I've sat with friend after friend listening to their marriage woes, their bitter battles over divorce and children and money. Don't be fooled. Plenty of women talk about their 'wonderful husbands' when the reality behind closed doors is very different.

There is no shame in being single. Well done for having high standards and not putting up with any negative stuff.

All you can do is put yourself out there, to meet as many new people as possible. And have fun.

There was a really lovely thread recently on all the joys of being single.

I split with my partner 10 years ago & never intend to live with anyone again. Except cats.
If I realised someone thought less of / was sorry for me for being single and childfree, I’d think less of them.
https://www.mumsnet.com/talk/am_i_being_unreasonable/5073440-please-tell-me-the-joys-you-have-of-living-alone?reply=135206786

Hi OP. You sound really sensible and self aware. Good for you for not being in a relationship that isn't enough for you.

You should definitely freeze your eggs now if you think you want kids.

Fwiw- I'm 45, divorced after 21 year marriage, 2 kids. Very very single the last couple of years for the first time in decades. I feel judgment from others for being single, heaps of judgment for being divorced. But when I was married I felt judged too. Judged by others on my choice in husband, by my in-laws on my cooking, housekeeping etc. and all Women face judgment about their parenting and their children and that has only intensified now I'm a single parent. Before I was married I felt judgment either around being single or being sexually active.
So I guess what I'm saying is - it's not a being single thing, it's a being a woman thing. And all you can do as a strong woman with one precious life is live it on your own terms. Sounds like you're doing that. So ignore the women at work. They're probably frustrated in their relationships.

I don’t like to talk about my relationships with work colleagues/casual acquaintances so even if I wasn’t single that kind of environment would irritate me. I do think some women pity single women, though why they think I want to be with a man who doesn’t do any chores, speaks to their partner with contempt and can’t look after his kids on his own I don’t know (I have seen all of this in the relationships where the women look down on me for being single). So solidarity OP.

I thought this was (could have been) a great thread and to get some advice.
Sadly, threads like these always turns into men are shit, most relationships are horrible, women something something empowered, being single is better and no one apperently cares or judges if someone is (long term) single.

Always the same.
That’s not saying there aren’t happy singles, not at all, and that’s amazing.
But some of us really could use advice hiw to get there too.
Or just place to vent and have support.

Sorry op, did no mean to steal your thread.
I’m a life-long single, not by choice, and it is so hard and scary.

I’m sorry it’s tough for you, @FindThatThing. You might find https://www.mumsnet.com/talk/am_i_being_unreasonable/5073440-please-tell-me-the-joys-you-have-of-living-alone?reply=135206786 helpful though, I hope to do.

@FindThatThing I hear you. It is hard. And especially on days like today which are so couple/family focussed.
I am trying to be ok with being single now, it's not what I chose or envisaged for my later life, and it's definitely something you have to work at.
There is no easy fix and it's a mindset that you have to develop which is difficult in a society that places so much emphasis on romantic relationships. Look at TV, film etc etc
I think all you can do is look for the positives in your life, try to create opportunities to socialise and work at enjoying your own company too. But it is not easy & takes work x

I did not have any romance until.i hit 45- my choice. Liked my life. Was not unhappy. No shame felt at all. 45- 52 had 2 relationships. I bin single 3 years and have realised i prefer being in a relationship. It does feel as if everything geared towards couples. When i decide to look again it needs to be a special person who i am.prepared to.let in my life. Know my worth.

I don't have those feelings. I don't understand why you would. There's nothing shameful about having boundaries and behaviour expectations. I'm also not going to feel guilty for having my self esteem back following shitty, abusive relationships.

People can be judgy twats, that has nothing to do with me or my status. Most people are compromised in one way or another if they are in a relationship. You need to find contentment from within.

Ah the smug marrieds!
This used to bother me too as they never shut up about their husband or partner, some almost bragging about them. They never seemed to do anything at all on their own.

Doesn't bother me now I work from home and I don't have to listen to inane dribble.

Yes this happened to me too.

I think some people that are in relationships (even shitty ones), do regard single people, single women in particular, with a sort of unkind, condescending sympathy.

Some of this is a type of social anxiety and projection, and is why they remain in bad relationships - they would rather that than be single. By being in a relationship with a man, and especially if they then have kids, some women think & feel they have higher status than you, and that is what you might be picking up on.

I think society still communicates that to women as well, despite the whole #girlboss phenomenon that's been around since the 1970s or 1980s. It's all fun & girlboss games until she reaches mid-30s, single and without kids. Then she's a sad or hard-nosed old career woman who either deserves scorn or sympathy.

Lol. I can hear it now.

If their whole inner lives revolve around their husbands, then those women are going to have a real tough time if he ever cheats or leaves them.

I was very conscious of being single, I had DD at 23 and have remained single since then and am my late 30s now. Everyone seemed to have their wonderful husbands and 2.4 children and nice new houses that looked like they stepped out of a Next catalogue when I was younger. 15 years on they are sick of the drudgery, their husbands annoy them, they bicker, have had affairs and on the verge of splitting up or already divorced. I think at the begining they pitied me a little but now they are envious of my freedom, the holidays I've been on, events I've attended, not having to consult with anyone to do what I want. Following an inheritance I was able to buy a small flat outright and I really can't see what benefits a partner would bring to my life other than possibly able to access a larger mortgage for a bigger house, companionship and all the rest of it can be found in other places.

Life is what you make of it, don't let not having a partner hold you back.

OP I wanted to give you some experience from my side and @FindThatThing Sorry that you do not feel you are getting the advice you wanted, I hope this helps.

This is my experience, I have been very happily single for a long time. I grew up in a very happy household. My Mum and Dad were very much in love, rarely argued. They weere loyal, kind to each other, cared deeply for one another and were still holding hands until the first one passed. I came to realise how much of a blessing this was for me because I took this to be the bar I have to use for all my relationships. I learned that I am not prepared to compromise and settle for any relationship, not just with a partner but also with friends.

This is not just learning from my parents but from personal experience where I felt I was putting in all the effort and allowed people to take me for granted. I am not sure what age, this hit me, I was, probably in my 30s when I put a stop to it. I now have a very small group of friends but every single one of them is loyal and kind and I do not even think about looking for a partner.

The problem, I see in many people’s relationships, is that they started relationships to fill a void rather than have that person making what is a great life even better. I see in my friends that most of them are in second marriages and they did not take the time to learn from the first time around. They are not unhappy marriages but they're marriages where no one bends for them. The marriages work because my female friends do all the compromising. I am just not prepared to do that.

If you truly want to work this out then it is a dig deep situation you really have to go inside yourself to understand why you don’t feel whole without a relationship. If you have the budget then some kind of coaching could help you work towards how you can be blissfully happy on your own. If not, there are a ton of amazing podcasts, books, YouTube videos and TikToks on mindset, rewiring your thought patterns and improving your self-esteem. Even the simplest act of writing a gratitude journal can make you stand back and think differently about life.

The best advice I could give to anyone who is struggling with being on their own is to find a way to be happy alone. Work on your self-esteem, your boundaries and truly understand what sparks joy for you. If you are looking to get into a relationship now because you feel lonely, I would put a ban on it for six months because you are maybe looking for the wrong reasons. Use that time to work on yourself. Make a a commitment to do something every day that excites you and is about putting yourself first even if it is as simple as sitting in silence and having a cup of tea.

I had a friend who did this, she got rid of all of her dating profiles, she said no to random dates, she worked on herself, she learned to enjoy being in her flat on her own, she would take herself off for the day and she travelled. She felt like she didn’t want to be in a relationship, she couldn’t imagine it, she was happy alone. Then this wonderful man just walked into her life. She kept him at arm's length for a long time, she was brutally honest with him, she let him in very gradually and she has not compromised since they have been in a more serious relationship and it is working.

Work hard to be happy alone, there is no one route to this it will be different for everyone but it will save a lot of unhappy hard work in the future.

Good luck and I wish you lots and lots of happiness

Yes that look of pity when you tell them you're single...

Even worse when you tell them you're a single parent I found!

Ive been single a long, long time and I just won't put up with a bad relationship (except my cat who is a bugger at times and comes back reeking of another woman's perfume!).

The most incredibly tiresome line of all:

“Aw you’ll meet someone when you least expect it!”

What do you not understand? I DONT WANT TO MEET SOMEONE!! People just cannot wrap their heads around it. So patronising. If any of you have uttered those words to someone on discovering that they are single-please don’t ever do it again. Even if they do want to meet someone 🤣

I agree with that "you'll meet someone else" advice - it is so often what is given out on here too, as if that is the only way to move on in your life when working on yourself is so much more important & valuable.

The one that got me most was an idiot whose reaction, when I said I was single and happily so, was "BUT DON'T YOU WANT BABIES?"

I was 47 and fuck no!

Why on earth would I want babies when I can have cats?