Lost it with drunk dh

[Lostmama24]

First time posting. Don’t really know where to begin. Met my partner 5 years ago after divorcing abusive ex. He was great, always positive and happy, great with my 3 daughters then we had our own daughter too. Fast forward to now… he works nights and is always moaning about any noise in the house after teatime; tired from working & struggles to get to sleep. Most weekends he has a drink to help him sleep and ‘wind down’. I don’t mind except if he has a bit too much to drink he gets rude and verbally abusive to me. Day to day we get along great but when he had a drink I feel nervous not knowing how he’s going to be. Tonight he had quite a bit to drink and started mumbling that I’m a s*t. He tossed a photo frame downstairs at me and kept try to provoke me into to an argument and I don’t know what happened…. I just snapped …. I lunged at him and grabbed his neck. I’m crying right now typing this because it is so out of character for me. I’m always so composed. He went mad, told me to take my silly little children and get out, go back to my ex, called my teenage dd a s*g then went to his bed to sleep. I’m sitting in utter shock at my reaction. I’m crying because I don’t know what to do.
someone please help me

Leave.

This is beyond toxic and will only escalate.

You cannot continue to subject your teenagers/children to this.

Vile.

Leave

This is not a good environment for your children. Take them with you and leave this man.

i think you need to move out if you can. It’s so much easier said than done though. He is abusive and you and your children will suffer for it. I would reach out to anyone that could help me get away from him and never look back, I don’t think he will change and I agree it likely will only get worse!

You both need to seperate, there is no excuse for physical violence.

We live in a private rented house but its in my name. I just feel so upset at my own behaviour tonight, I’m shaking and crying, I can’t talk to anyone in RL, my family live 90 miles away and I am humiliated after already being in an abusive marriage. I’ve let myself down so much 😢

Just leave with your children and don’t look back

Sorry must have cross posted.
if the house is in your name can you kick him out? Change the locks and leave his stuff out for him to collect ?

You’ll be so much better off without him.
He sounds disgusting.

@Lostmama24
You cannot change what is done now but you can make changes going forward. Ultimately it doesn’t matter what others think about your choices of partner, yes people may gossip and judge for a short while but none of us are of interest for long.
It will be short term hassle to end things but worth it in the long run. Perhaps you have been unhappy for a while but kind of justified it that current dp is not as bad as ex? (I’ve been in that position, a male friend pointed out that just because new dp didn’t hit me, it didn’t make it a healthy relationship)

You know you were wrong to grab him however sounds like he has been goading and provoking you and damaging property? Possibly threatening you but this is my take on your description.

It’s all unhealthy you can unpick the situation apportion blame all you want
but there’s no future doesn’t sound as though it could be fixed or more to the point would you want to fix it
look forward not back you both sound unhappy end it and separate

@LosLostmama24 you are in another abusive relationship.

You reacted to being abused again. It's called "reactive abuse," it's when you're being abused by someone and you can take it anymore.

If the house is in your name, get him out. Go to womens aid, too, for support. Your partner has an alcohol problem.

I've been here and done it. I know what your going through

This is a link to reactive abuse. It's is recognised and not uncommon. You're not at fault. Read it, please

themendproject.com/reactive-abuse/

Can't not can re first paragraph

You haven't met yourself down. You were in an abusive relationship and need to heal. It isn't you that did the "letting down". Be kind to yourself but please leave this relationship. For the sake of your kids, and for you.

is there anywhere you can go tonight? Premier inn or cheap motel or friends house? He will likely crash out now if he has been drinking. Send him a text for when he wakes tell him he has two hours to get his stuff and get out. Set him a time for tomorrow to be out of the house. Go out with the children and return after the deadline/ hours, if he is still there call the police .

it’s over - he is an abuser and you have reacted to his abuse. It’s not going to be good for the kids if you stay in
this.

Thank you for that link. I worked hard on myself after the divorce and waited a long time before trusting anyone again so I think that makes me feel worse. I think there’s something wrong with me that I attract this type of man… I’m the kind of person who does everything I can for everyone and expect nothing in return. He’s so nice when he’s sober but like jekyll and hyde with a drink.

@Lostmama24 You're welcome. I don't know if your childhood was also unhappy. However, whether it was or not, we always live with the aftermath of abuse. It never goes completely

I'm 24 years old, left the ex, happily remarried etc etc, yet the aftermath can still come up and bite me.

I've been there, and I did that and got the t-shirt on various therapies.

Another link for you is Al-Anon and ACAADC.

Al-Anon is for those who have someone in their life where alcohol was/is a problem.

ACÀADC is for those with a difficult. childhood as well (Stands for Adult Children Alcoholic and Dysfunctional Families)

Both have live meetings or/and online Zoom meetings

al-anonuk.org.uk/

www.adultchildrenofalcoholics.co.uk/

He sounds horrible and that's a scary environment to have to live in. Start getting your shit together and making a plan now to leave. You don't deserve this in any way!

Pack his shit up then.

You've gone from one abusive relationship to another abusive relationship. You say you're the kind of person who does everything for others and expects nothing in return - this is the problem. Only someone with no self-esteem and self-respect would allow themselves to be such a doormat. You need to get out of this relationship and get yourself some counselling.

Every woman attracts these types of men. Every one of us. The trick is to have good radar, good resources, good support systems, good boundaries, good communication and on and on. Many of us struggle with one or more of those things and they wheedle their way in. Then they get worse slowly by slowly and one day this happens.

Pick yourself up, dust yourself off, and do yet more work.

If the house is in your name, get some advice (Shelter or a lawyer) and find out how to get him out. Or give notice on the tenancy if you want to move.

"I think there’s something wrong with me that I attract this type of man…"

No, there isn't. I suspect there's something in your childhood which has resulted in you not having the "normal" radar that tells a person when someone else's behaviour isn't appropriate. There are many dysfunctional & abusive people out there who keep looking to find a partner. A person who has been brought up to have good self esteem and boundaries will give these people short shrift.
But those of us who have been taught that our value lies in the support we can give "our superiors", receive the message that we don't matter unless we are bending over backwards to support someone (who doesn't deserve it).

Be a bit kinder to yourself and please distance yourself from this alcoholic abuser as soon as you can.

Your relationship is over. He's abusive, and you've now had an incident yourself, which he will cast up. Moreover, he called your daughter a vile sexually degrading name. If you do not leave him for that alone, you have very poor standards. Take your children away from this pig before he verbally abuses them and brings trauma to their lives.

I’m sitting in utter shock at my reaction. I’m crying because I don’t know what to do.

If you don't like who you are when you're around someone, remove yourself from them. If you don't like who you're becoming in a relationship, extricate yourself from it and get back to being you.

The same goes for him. He knows he's a nasty drunk so he could choose not to drink and remain a better person. Instead he chooses to be selfish and abusive towards you.

Sleeping pills exist. He's not drinking alcohol to sleep, that's just the excuse he uses to attempt to justify it. Alcohol actually wakes your brain up after a few hours so is not conducive to a goods nights/days sleep. You'll only stay properly asleep if you're passed out unconscious and you don't get like that after only a few drinks.

I guess either he's a functional alcoholic so his addiction isn't at all obvious. Or he's a coward who'd like to split up but is being deliberately cruel so you'll leave him rather than him tell you its over.

I don't believe the theory that drunk people don't know what they're saying. I believe alcohol strips away the veneer of civility we all wear and you see the true character of the person underneath. So if he's a nasty drunk, he's actually nasty sober and is just hiding it very well because he knows it's not socially acceptable. Drunk him has lost all his inhibitions and doesn't care what wider society (or you) thinks, so he lets you see him as he really is.

I'd take him at his word, he's told you to leave. If it's his house and you're not married, go - because you've no rights to stay.

If I was dating someone and they told me they didn't want to live with me any more, I'd consider the relationship over. You're walking on eggshells and don't feel safe, so it's no loss really, is it? Call your friends and family, explain what's happened, pack yours and DC stuff and find somewhere else to stay. Then block his number and move on with your life.

i agree with the previous posters about the need to separate to limit the damage to everyone involved, especially as your DH does not seem to be in the place of addressing the alcohol consumption and is calling you and your kids sexually abusive names. He obviously becomes a different person with alcohol. It would have triggered me too.

This is good news. He needs to leave. There's nothing to be ashamed of, you've done nothing wrong in getting together with him. You've been goaded past the point where you snapped, it's understandable. To survive in an abusive relationship, sometimes the victim ends up taking on characteristics of their abuser. It's a toxic situation which needs to end.

Speak to your LL, explain the situation and ask permission to change the locks. The alternative is you leaving, so they're likely to agree to the lock change. They'd rather have you as a tenant than an alcoholic who is living there without a tenancy agreement, who probably won't pay rent and have to be evicted at great hassle and expense.

You can actually change the Yale lock without permission, just keep the old one and the keys so you can change it back again when you leave. LL won't even know you've changed it unless they try to gain access when you're not there, without giving you the proper notice so you could ensure you were there.

You need to get him out Op, for you and your children. If he won't go and threatens you then call the police. He will hold you attacking him over your head but you can't let him blackmail you or he'll just get worse.
Women's Aid can help you see the signs a man is no good, you push aside your own needs for others and they can help you to change.
Be brave Op, make a better life for yourself