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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Lost it with drunk dh

52 replies

Lostmama24 · 25/05/2024 21:27

First time posting. Don’t really know where to begin. Met my partner 5 years ago after divorcing abusive ex. He was great, always positive and happy, great with my 3 daughters then we had our own daughter too. Fast forward to now… he works nights and is always moaning about any noise in the house after teatime; tired from working & struggles to get to sleep. Most weekends he has a drink to help him sleep and ‘wind down’. I don’t mind except if he has a bit too much to drink he gets rude and verbally abusive to me. Day to day we get along great but when he had a drink I feel nervous not knowing how he’s going to be. Tonight he had quite a bit to drink and started mumbling that I’m a s*t. He tossed a photo frame downstairs at me and kept try to provoke me into to an argument and I don’t know what happened…. I just snapped …. I lunged at him and grabbed his neck. I’m crying right now typing this because it is so out of character for me. I’m always so composed. He went mad, told me to take my silly little children and get out, go back to my ex, called my teenage dd a s*g then went to his bed to sleep. I’m sitting in utter shock at my reaction. I’m crying because I don’t know what to do.
someone please help me

OP posts:
Fraaahnces · 26/05/2024 11:51

Ffs… kick him out. Your kids shouldn’t be hearing or seeing this.

Allthehorsesintheworld · 26/05/2024 11:54

Lostmama24 · 25/05/2024 21:38

We live in a private rented house but its in my name. I just feel so upset at my own behaviour tonight, I’m shaking and crying, I can’t talk to anyone in RL, my family live 90 miles away and I am humiliated after already being in an abusive marriage. I’ve let myself down so much 😢

Then he leaves. Everything else you can sort out afterwards.
IME you can never win with a drunk. They’ll turn any of their behaviour around on you.

Cherrysoup · 26/05/2024 16:54

Whose name is on the tenancy? Is it both of you? Are you out of the original tenancy agreement? You only have to give a month’s notice, you can go to the landlord, either of you can end the tenancy, I believe. Whose name is the deposit in?

Kelly51 · 26/05/2024 16:59

…. I lunged at him and grabbed his neck.
MN can accept this behaviour from a woman, if this was a man there'd be cries of 'police now'
You need to ask him to leave for both of you safety, disgusting behaviour all round.

keffie12 · 26/05/2024 20:34

@Kelly51 The OP knows this and as I posted further up the thread it is what is called reactive abuse which is very common in domestic abuse cases.

That is not condoning it: it is stating what it is going on. The OP certainly needs to get him out, or leave. On that we agree. The warning signs are there with the reaction.

As a survivor most survivors have been in this situation. The link below is for information for all as it is not widely known about. The person being abused is always ashamed and feels even worse

Womens Aid forum also has a topic on this: it can be Googled to find out more if you wish too

https://www.verywellmind.com/reactive-abuse-signs-impact-and-tips-to-break-the-cycle-7567483

Understanding Reactive Abuse: Signs and Solutions

In this article, we explore the psychological dynamics of reactive abuse, the signs to look out for, the impact it can cause, and steps to get help and break the cycle.

https://www.verywellmind.com/reactive-abuse-signs-impact-and-tips-to-break-the-cycle-7567483

5128gap · 26/05/2024 20:52

Kelly51 · 26/05/2024 16:59

…. I lunged at him and grabbed his neck.
MN can accept this behaviour from a woman, if this was a man there'd be cries of 'police now'
You need to ask him to leave for both of you safety, disgusting behaviour all round.

If a man grabs a woman round the throat it is infinitely more likely to present a risk to life than the other way round. This is because the vast majority of able bodied men are able to defend themselves due to their physical advantage. While the action may be the same, the risk is not. Hence 'MN' tends to see a man on woman assault as a police matter as the woman could be killed. Men and women are not the same and do not pose the same level of risk to one another. Its disingenuous to pretend otherwise.

Natty13 · 26/05/2024 22:15

Lostmama24 · 25/05/2024 22:14

Thank you for that link. I worked hard on myself after the divorce and waited a long time before trusting anyone again so I think that makes me feel worse. I think there’s something wrong with me that I attract this type of man… I’m the kind of person who does everything I can for everyone and expect nothing in return. He’s so nice when he’s sober but like jekyll and hyde with a drink.

Love, the truth is that we ALL attract these men. There are so many of them
What's different about you isn't that you attract them in the first place it's that when they show horrible behaviour you don't give them the boot. You can be living and thpughtful and kind but still take no shit. For the future - nobody who ever raises their voice at you/swears at you or calls you names will be the prince you deserve. Keep dumping the ones who do and you wull eventially find a nice one. Lovely sweet men exist, you won't find one if you waste your time being with someone who calls you a slag, even if it's whenever he has had a drink.

pinkfondu · 26/05/2024 22:23

You e put up with too much for too long. Tomorrow through him out. Tgere is no other way.

LittleGreenDragons · 26/05/2024 22:42

We live in a private rented house but its in my name.

Oh good. He can be the one to leave then. And make sure he does as this relationship cannot ever be fixed/mended now, even with a counsellor. Please protect yourself and your children. If he refuses to leave then get the police to remove him, if he threatens to press charges for you attacking him unless you let him stay - call his bluff. Personally I would rather go to court than have him blackmailing me for life.

Cucumbering · 26/05/2024 22:47

Ask him to leave and then get the police to make him leave. The house is in your name

Cucumbering · 26/05/2024 22:50

Totally unacceptable behaviour from both of you. Lunging at his neck is shocking. Please end the relationship and get therapy. Role model healthy relationships to your kids.

Tel12 · 26/05/2024 23:01

Not to defend him, but working nights is bad for people's health. Having said that in your shoes I would say that lines have been crossed. You need to talk together and agree a way out.

Copperoliverbear · 26/05/2024 23:06

This reply has been deleted

Message deleted by MNHQ. Here's a link to our Talk Guidelines.

Kelly51 · 27/05/2024 09:53

The justifying of OPs violence is disgusting; there are many men suffering abuse and rarely speak out; no wonder with comments of he provoked her, it's reactive etc.
There's no excuse for man or woman grabbing someone's throat, none.

Kelly51 · 27/05/2024 09:55

@keffie12
I don't need your patronising links, no form of DV should be excused, man or woman.

LittleGreenDragons · 27/05/2024 10:00

Kelly51 · 27/05/2024 09:55

@keffie12
I don't need your patronising links, no form of DV should be excused, man or woman.

And that is why every poster is telling her to leave or kick him out. We are all telling her this relationship is toxic and needs to end. None of us are saying it's fine and he deserved it.

Itiswhysofew · 27/05/2024 10:05

How could you have known that he'd be abusive.

You have crossed a line and it's time for both of you to work this out in order to go your separate ways. Living with abuse is not good for you or your family.

ChangeAgain2 · 27/05/2024 10:15

End the relationship NOW. It's Toxic. It can be very hard to leave an abusive relationship but you have to. One of you is going to get hurt and your kids are seeing and listening to this shit. The tenancy is in your name so he needs to go. Although, if you're on a rolling monthly you might want to consider giving noice and moving closer to your support network. I think you'd bennifit from doing the freedom programme and therapy. I know you've had therapy before but sometimes you need to revisit things.

Opentooffers · 27/05/2024 11:47

He's got a nasty mouth when drunk, but you were sober and took it to being physical, theres no excuse for that. His behaviour probably stirred up past emotions and when faced with a fight or flight situation, you went into fight, when flight would of been better.
It's not great that you lost control, it shows that you need further counselling.
He should move out as the rent is in your name. It doesn't necessarily have to be an end to the relationship, but you need to work on your issues separately. It's not a great sign that drinking induces a personality change in him. I see it as a red flag when people change their character after alcohol, whether that is in a good or bad way, its more that any drastic change other than being more giggly perhaps or a tad clumsy ( this would be me) and chatty, shows there's an unhealthy mindset that is always there, but usually filtered. When alcohol takes that filter system away, what's left is how they'd be behaving in general if they didn't exercise restraint day to day.
You need to be working on your anger management, he needs to address his poor relationship to alcohol, and also consider better work hours. Nightshifts are tough. I do them 50% of the time, doing them all the time is awful and it's taking a toll. You both need to adjust your lives.

BellaItalia242 · 27/05/2024 13:25

5128gap · 26/05/2024 20:52

If a man grabs a woman round the throat it is infinitely more likely to present a risk to life than the other way round. This is because the vast majority of able bodied men are able to defend themselves due to their physical advantage. While the action may be the same, the risk is not. Hence 'MN' tends to see a man on woman assault as a police matter as the woman could be killed. Men and women are not the same and do not pose the same level of risk to one another. Its disingenuous to pretend otherwise.

Show quote history

The last time I posted something to this effect, it was reported and deleted.

Let's hope yours isn't.

BellaItalia242 · 27/05/2024 13:26

It doesn't necessarily have to be an end to the relationship, but you need to work on your issues separately

He's a verbally abusive, fight picking drunk and he called ops DD a 'slag".

Wtaf.

5128gap · 27/05/2024 13:45

BellaItalia242 · 27/05/2024 13:25

The last time I posted something to this effect, it was reported and deleted.

Let's hope yours isn't.

Show quote history

Interesting. I wonder on what grounds?

BellaItalia242 · 27/05/2024 14:08

5128gap · 27/05/2024 13:45

Interesting. I wonder on what grounds?

Show quote history

Someone reported it as being ... offensive/minimising re. domestic abuse against men and the moderator must have felt it broke the guidelines

Kelly51 · 27/05/2024 18:12

@LittleGreenDragons

See @Copperoliverbear @5128gap
justifying her behaviour and blaming him, not acceptable.

5128gap · 27/05/2024 18:35

Kelly51 · 27/05/2024 18:12

@LittleGreenDragons

See @Copperoliverbear @5128gap
justifying her behaviour and blaming him, not acceptable.

My post neither condemns nor justifies, excuses nor blames. It is an entirely neutral statement of fact about the relative risks the sexes pose to each other.