Return from work trip and deflated with DH and life.

[tartancladpjs]

I just need some perspective here, our marriage isn't great I'm trying to think about a good way forward.(20+)

But I've just got back from a 4 day work trip, it's been lovely no thinking about others, no mental load, no responsibilities, no food shop, washing, dogs, cleaning just the ability to fully focus.

I've landed been picked up and straight into almost first question "what do you want for tea"

The excuse is he didn't know if I'd be hungry, no plans on what the teenagers have in the house and wham less than 30 minutes into being home I'm being asked to decide on food for the family.

I think I'm just tired but it's seriously pissed me off because my other colleague was talking about how she's off out for a meal this evening with her DH and all excited about catching up.

And I just feel totally meh. I feel like taking my packed bag and staying in a hotel just to extend my mental break a few extra days.

Am I being stupid or would it annoy you too?

@Toxicinlawz out of Interest what did you do in that situation? And I hope you are all recovered now. .

Glad it wasn't a bust in the end. FWIW I wouldn't want to go out the evening after I'd been travelling. I'd just want to relax at home.

I honestly don't get the issue with hubby asking what do you want to eat. Just answer what you want if you're met with a selfish response thereafter, then you got an issue. I think some need to get over to the other threads where the husband's won't even come and pick you up and ask you want you want.

It sounds like it’s time to renegotiate the mental load in your house. Give it a few days, and have a read of Fair Play by Eve Rodsky and then sit down and work out responsibilities.

With a teen in the house, they might be part of the discussion too. The key, imo, is to hand off full responsibility for a job so that the mental load doesn’t default back to you.

After 20 years, it might be time to shake things up and change what you take care of.

My post was addressed to @LilyofftheValley who had said the house was state, and she has one teenager at home.

Do you both get opportunities to have a break from the 'mental load' (not a fan of the phrase personally!). My Dh travels a lot, and I don't, so in our relationship it's never reversed. And there are times that I do get a bit resentful that he gets regular breaks from.parenting that I don't. I do try and not be an arse, and u know that travelling for work isn't always glamorous. But after a week of knowing that he's been to social events and nice restaurants, sometimes I am.hanging on for the second that he gets back.

I honestly think this feeling is so natural. I've always struggled coming home after working away and being in nice hotels etc.

You're hit in the face with the drudgery again, and there isn't even a re-entry period; it's literally you're in the door and people start to expect things of you.

It's very unsettling I think actually.

I never felt that way and she literally had to decide what she wished for dinner.

Fair enough, we're all different but I remember feeling quite close to having a tantrum when I had to put a washing on and was thinking '24 hours ago I was in a pool bar with my work best mate enjoying my 6th beer, fuck this life of drudgery' 😁

@Sunnyandsilly in that moment yes it was just a dinner chat, but I'm today it's food shop, bedding wash, hoover,walk dogs chat.

@TakeThePain exactly that! One night I'm in the sunshine enjoying life and freedoms then wham back to reality and really doesn't seem so nice.

I'll adjust.

@KnickerlessFlannel yes we both travel fairly equally over the 20+ years but him a bit more than me, it's been 8 months since my last trip.

He's actually away next week.

There is a definite readjustment period!

Yes am trying. When DH and I go away, teen DS generally keeps things tidy. It's mainly DH who is slovenly.

I understand a bit more since your first post and can see where you are coming from. I think it maybe down to bad communication between you which can happen when both people work. Id suggest you have the chat & maybe clear demarcation of roles/chores ? Good luck i think most women can recognise your issue

I don't get the issue here, personally I'd rather be asked what I want than the decision made for me. Imagine if he'd made a huge effort and you'd already eaten on the way home, or made something you had the day before...its not like he has asked you to cook it!

It sounds like you are unhappy and in the mindset of subconsciously looking for / finding fault, and if that's the case you should have an honest chat about what's really on your mind

bollocks she would.

I get it OP, what he should have said was either "xx for tea" or "takeaway for tea, Indian this time, I'll order your usual, shall i?"