Return from work trip and deflated with DH and life.

[tartancladpjs]

I just need some perspective here, our marriage isn't great I'm trying to think about a good way forward.(20+)

But I've just got back from a 4 day work trip, it's been lovely no thinking about others, no mental load, no responsibilities, no food shop, washing, dogs, cleaning just the ability to fully focus.

I've landed been picked up and straight into almost first question "what do you want for tea"

The excuse is he didn't know if I'd be hungry, no plans on what the teenagers have in the house and wham less than 30 minutes into being home I'm being asked to decide on food for the family.

I think I'm just tired but it's seriously pissed me off because my other colleague was talking about how she's off out for a meal this evening with her DH and all excited about catching up.

And I just feel totally meh. I feel like taking my packed bag and staying in a hotel just to extend my mental break a few extra days.

Am I being stupid or would it annoy you too?

You’ve had 4 days of pleasing yourself now it’s back to reality tbh if it wasn’t this it’d be something else

I’ve done stints of working away always feel a bit unsettled when I get back

but the teens he’s an adult I would of just said sort yourselves out

Also known as the 'my diamond shoes are too tight' defence to the parent who has been at home 😆

That wasn't his fault, people lost their goddamn minds during Covid.

You've been away for however long while your husband has been running the house and taking care of the children. Imagine if a man came home from a work trip and complained about being asked what he wanted to eat

No idea what he's done wrong here or what you are moaning about?

You've been away, come back knackered & he's asking what you'd like for the dinner he's sorting?

I want to be asked this!

Yanbu
He could have prepared something really nice for you on your return, but that would have meant using his brain.

Such a mix of replies.. I get it from all angles. Yes I sound ungrateful I get that, but maybe I just had a glimpse of what it's like to not have to be the planner of everything, and got spoilt, my reality vs my expectations were a bit off.

I think my colleague saying they were off out for a meal, sounded lovely and I applied that to my DH and he fell short, clearly not his fault as I didn't communicate that I'd like that.

I will have to get a food shop tomorrow as the fridge is totally empty so I already know tomorrow will be back to normal "thinking" about the following week's shop.

I was just venting as I felt flat.

I think that's it.. like the moment I'm back it's all over to me.

If he'd made a decision you are assuming I'd then say it was wrong? I'm not that mean.

Oh please, how many men would come back from a work trip to a completely empty fridge after teens had cleared it, and be expected to go an do a full shop the following day and have to decide on dinner because there was sod all in the house to eat?
I suggest bloody none.
OP, I can well understand the annoyance of it. Send him out for the shop. Travelling is tiring. They are teens not toddlers.
Tell them all to sort it out as you are exhausted. Likewise if laundry has piled up. You need to up your traveling for work, get away from them and their expectations.

I hope you (both you and you DH) teaching your teenager how to run a home.

I went on a work trip in March for a week. My adult son came home to hold the fort for my teenage son (no partner/father around).

I came back to a clean and tidy house. I did resume my mother role as soon as I got back so it's slightly different I suppose, but I went away knowing everything would run smoothly.

I would have said ‘Let’s go out, my colleague Claire is trying a new Italian tonight and it inspired me. Shall we go to the pub? Or do you fancy a curry? I’ll pay, I can tell you all about my work trip, I had a lovely time! ‘

It sounds like he didn’t carry the load while you were gone. He coasted on the buffer that you had put in place before you left. But the issue isn’t that he didn’t have dinner prepped for the night you got back, it’s that the mental load is yours all the time. This is what you need to tackle.

If you are working just as much as DH, you need to stop filling the fridge and planning the meals. Maybe tell him you’re sick of doing it all and you want to swap out month on month, with him starting in June. I suggest doing it by month because a week is short enough that he will still use up whatever buffer you normally have and leave you with an empty fridge at the beginning of your week. Expect him to be a bit crap for the first year, but don’t pick up the pieces for him. He won’t get the hang of it if your swoop in to save the day.

This assumes he doesn’t take on the mental load in a bunch of other areas that you’ve ducked out of or otherwise reciprocate, of course.

Don't mean to sound dismissive, and I get feeling frustrated at lack of initiative, but have you TOLD him how you feel?

I like to be asked my opinion/preferences, and either doing things collaboratively or having them done for me after I've stated my preferences. Maybe he thinks you're the same too.

I think Internet ordering and delivery of the weekly shop could be the way to go. Whoever is in at delivery time puts it away. If both in, it's a joint effort, if DC's in, their job.
It's a waste of your time gathering and lugging shopping. Surely if you are both working, it's the way to go? A perk of working hard, like having a cleaner etc. Between you, farm out as much of the domestic load as possible.

Also I think it depends on whether he was going to do it for you (ie you say I'd like xyz, he scrambles to get it), or he was waiting to be told exactly what to do by you, or he was expecting you to get it. Those 3 options are go from good to bad progressively!

@imgoodthanks he didn't expect me to get the food, he did go and get a take away, that I'd suggested. So it was a middle score!

Like another poster said yes I should have just said "let's go out to eat" but I didn't I was just half expecting, half hoping he'd think for himself that it would be nice.

Again thanks for all the replies I think I'll have a chat today about how I feel, this trip has made me realise the weight of the domestic stuff is back on me again. DH has been a stay at home DH during the DS younger years, they are all perfectly capable men and way better than most posts I see here.

I think I wanted some thoughtfulness some kind of nice evening.

We do both work, I'm the higher earner but again that's been standard for me, we have a cleaner once a week and the house was clean, washing done etc.

For me the load is social, WFH daily chores, holidays, arranging DS that doesn't drive yet, lifts, dogs and food, along with washing etc when he's at work.

It was just sooooo nice for a week to literally just get up have a coffee and focus on me and work, I even said to a colleague no wonder men get further in careers if this is what their brains feel like daily.

@CharlotteBog the DS are well trained, we can go away and leave them to run the house, and pets etc.

With a working mum and dad they've been pretty independent. They will have done their own washing and been pretty self sufficient the whole time I was away.

You can get yourself into a downward spiral though, by “hoping” and “expecting” what someone will say/do and then getting yourself disappointed when they “fall short” (your words). I can empathise because I also naturally have quite a fixed mindset and get an idea in my mind then disappoint myself when someone else doesn’t suggest it. I need to remind myself to communicate my expectations.

When your DH asked “what do you want for dinner?”, as PPs have said, that was your opportunity to say “Ooh I actually fancy going out/grabbing a pizza on the way home” as that’s what you wanted. He may have thought he was being considerate by asking you. He didn’t know what you’d want. He could’ve got something prepared at home for you to then say “actually I wanted to eat out” or “actually I’m not really hungry after eating a bunch of snacks while travelling, I just want to grab a slice of toast and go to bed” or similarly he could’ve decided to take you out, only to have you say “oh no I don’t fancy going out after travelling, I just want to go home”. He didn’t know what you wanted, so he asked.

He’s been looking after the kids whilst she’s been away, now she
needs a relaxing bath? Seems a bit unfair tbh.

Gosh you seem to have so many positives yet you complain that your husband wasn’t psychic and didn’t offer to take you out for dinner!

What a nerve - you should be staying in with the kids and husband not wanting to go out again! You have been eating out all week

Remember you are a mother and a wife!

Did you say "I'm tired. You decide" ?

I think it's time to set some expectations where you're not doing it all.

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@Bernadinetta exactly that. It's unfair that I expected him the read my mind, I'll take full ownership.

Can't help feeling just flat about coming home to decisions and food shopping though.