Return from work trip and deflated with DH and life.

[tartancladpjs]

I just need some perspective here, our marriage isn't great I'm trying to think about a good way forward.(20+)

But I've just got back from a 4 day work trip, it's been lovely no thinking about others, no mental load, no responsibilities, no food shop, washing, dogs, cleaning just the ability to fully focus.

I've landed been picked up and straight into almost first question "what do you want for tea"

The excuse is he didn't know if I'd be hungry, no plans on what the teenagers have in the house and wham less than 30 minutes into being home I'm being asked to decide on food for the family.

I think I'm just tired but it's seriously pissed me off because my other colleague was talking about how she's off out for a meal this evening with her DH and all excited about catching up.

And I just feel totally meh. I feel like taking my packed bag and staying in a hotel just to extend my mental break a few extra days.

Am I being stupid or would it annoy you too?

I get you 100%.

When my DH is away, he comes back to a pristine house, home cooked meal etc.

When I come back from a trip, house is complete chaos and, if he has cooked, the kitchen is a bombsite.

It's so stressful especially as we only have one older teen DC.

I'm actually thinking of ending things, partly because of the lack of consideration that runs through the thread of our marriage.

I’ve no solution, but I remember coming in for a work trip at 9pm exhausted, expecting dinner to have been cooked and DH was sitting around, nothing prepared- I was seriously irritated.
That was 30 years ago and we’re still together, but it’s a black mark on my mental balance sheet! He does have passive aggressive tendencies but I nip it in the bud nowadays.

It’s what my dh would say and it would bug me too. Ideally he’d have thought in advance and got something nice in or made planes for us to go out but he’s not wired that way

it is a million times better than “what’s for tea”. Especially if dh ends up cooking.

There is something so hard about being shown the sliding doors element of life.

I was away for work for a week somewhere very glamorous and DH text me and said 'what do you want for tea tomorrow?'

I was out with clients in a b fancy restaurant and couldn't even think about what I might want for tea the next day, after a long haul flight.

I'm pretty sure I replied 'I have no idea, I'm literally in the Middle East' 😆

It's tough, and I did spend many months thinking 'is this it' at home. I'm in a less fancy job now so the moment has passed...

The correct answer is “What I really want is to not have to decide and organise that. Surprise me.”

My DH returned from a trip today and cooked dinner 😬

And actually I don’t think that’s a bad thing. I’ve cooked all week while he’s been away eating in restaurants. I’ve done all the washing/cleaning/ferrying the kids around/making packed lunches with etc while he’s had his evenings free. He just came home and got stuck in with family life.

I have to say i do think it’s different when a man or woman goes away and they are asked ‘what do you want for dinner?’

If a woman goes away, it’s generally her that carries all the mental load so the question is loaded. Already there is the feeling that her dh is starting to give back any responsibility on the cooking and running of the house.
Which I think is exactly where the OP is. She has already clocked there is no food in the house (why?), thought about what is or isn’t possible etc… she certainly isn’t expecting her dh to then rushed to the nearest tesco to shop for said meal.

But when a man goes away, because he doesn’t carry the mental load, the question ‘what do you want?’ Is then a genuine question that his wife might try to fulfil. Something to help him after a long, tiring trip.
Im sure that if the OP’s dh was usually pulling his weight and doing more than ‘helping’, she wouldn’t have that reaction. The sinking feeling that ‘here we go. I’m the one taking decisions again’
Because she’d feel and expect to be in the same place than that man, where theur DP wants to be nice rather than hoping to get rid of responsibility asap.

You ve been away and he has been keeping things going on the home front. Neither is easy. Get a takeaway.

Seems like the real issue is that he couldn't be bothered to buy food while you were away. Don't do the shopping, have a standoff to see how long it takes him to do it

@Youdontevengohere

Actually funny you say that, I said to DH 'I'll cook you've been away all week' and he said 'it should be me cooking for you, you've had the kids all week'.

Anyway I cooked as he looked shattered. But he grabbed the bits for dinner on his way home from the airport.

Teamwork

So, let me get this straight, you were away, he carried the load, working with kids too, he then went and picked you up and asked you what you wished for dinner, he’d make it.

and it’s not good enough for you? You wanted him to decide? So, he could get it wrong and you’d habe a go over that?

if the genders were reversed people would be telling the partner being got at to bloody run.

I got back from a three month trip just as COVID broke.
DH had bust a gut to do multiple DIY projects and the house was cleanish.
There was no food, cupboards run completely bare just as the pandemic hit.
I cried. I got off a long haul flight and looked like I was panic buying as I menu planned around the bloody supermarket just to get us through a couple of days.
It rather took the shine off the DIY. I would have been more impressed with the basics.

I've worked away, eaten out three times a day for months at a time. There's nothing better than coming home and not having to look at a menu and make yet another choice. Honestly, eating out becomes exhausting.

But so does looking after the home and children for months while your partner is away. I don’t think it’s easy on either party.

I agree.
Dh got to the point where he asked the hotel to bring out a simple meal like sausage and mash.
He just combined things from the menu.
They knew him so well that they were happy to oblige.

We travel a lot, and my wife travels for business and with friends on her own... I've lost track of the number of times I've asked her what she wants as we're driving home to get an "I ate on the plane" or an "I'm not hungry, travel always does this to me, I'm just tired and don't feel like anything big".

I think he's being considerate towards you. The family will be fine with something simple and he's asking so he can cater to you.

When I get back from a work trip, he's clearly turned the washing machine and dishwasher on five minutes before I get into the house, there's a big pile of non dish washer stuff piled in the sink 'soaking', there's no bog roll or milk, and the dogs are desperate for a walk. When he gets back from a trip, the house is spotless, the fridge is full, I've made a meal, and the dogs have been for a run. It used to really make me angry but it didn't change anything. Now I just make sure there's loads of bog roll in the house at all times, I pick milk up at the airport, and we order a takeaway for dinner and ignore the kitchen and the washing until he's done it.

When DH gets back from a work trip the house is in whatever state it happens to be in at the moment he walks through the door. I certainly don’t clean/fill the fridge especially for coming in! While he’s away I’m working full time and also looking after our 3 young children so the last thing on my mind is getting it all nice for him coming home. And he wouldn’t expect me to do that, either.

Isn't life about being needed?

When I go away the.household is fine not as good but fine.

I come home to, yeah they need me.
I know this
They know this
It's good. Isn't this what people want?

And I need them I'd be lost without them

Sending a list of buy this before I get home is a minor point to the love and joy I receive every day.

I get it, OP. I'm so sick and tired of being the one who always has to answer the questions. For once, I'd like to be the one asking them. It's so mentally draining.

When this happened, it just made the realization that I was just tired of being the dog's body for the family very clear.

Instead of doing the shopping and making sure everything was full when you got bac,k he just left it to you while he and the teens ate everything in the house because they knew you would be back soon and then you would be back to doing your work again of restocking all the food and doing the shopping etc.

My DH can be a bit like this.

My answer would be: don't know, I'm tired what do you suggest... and he'll usually say a takeaway curry - which is my favourite.
(That's 20 odd years of marriage- we are a well oild team.)
I have to say, house wouldn't be squeaky clean, but kids would be fed and the dogs walked.

Ah you're probably tired. It's understandable.
Enjoy the curry and rest over the weekend 👍🏼