Married to someone with Asperger's/ASD: support thread 11

[Daftasabroom]

New thread.

This thread is for those of us seeking to explore the dynamics of long term relationships with our ND partners. It is a support thread, and a safe space, it does get emotional at times. Avoid sweeping generalisations if possible, try and keep it specific to you and your partner.

ND people are more than welcome, some of us are in ND:ND relationships.

I was thinking of chengeing the thread Aspergers/ASD to ND, which I think might be more appropriate and inculsive, but I've left it as it is as I suspect many people find us by searching for Aspergers and/or ASD.

It's complicated and it's emotional.

The old thread is here

What I don't get is my partner seems unaware of my discomfort.

Your poor children 😞

No one should be bullied in their own home.

@nl55 So sorry to hear you have been so poorly. I hope you are taking care of yourself. 💐

You’re quite right! I wouldn’t say I’m a strict parent but it’s the one thing I absolutely will not tolerate. My exH and I have always been clear that we will not accept bullying of any kind from our DC. They know they don’t have to like everyone but they know better than to get involved in any bullying behaviour. My DD is a sweet kind child and will stand up to her friends when they’re being mean to another child. A child my DD doesn’t participate like, but she says she can’t stand by and let her friends bully someone (mainly DP’s DD who is the queen bee and ringleader of the group and who seems to enjoy making others cry!). I’m so proud of her as she won’t tolerate meanness even if it means her friends (again mainly DP’s DD) stop talking to her.

I sat DP down a couple of weekends ago and said enough was enough. I cannot stand any more criticism and animosity towards my DS. Yes he is lazy and yes he can be rude and attitudey but he is a teenage boy and I expect a level of this to some degree. The goading and criticising is making it all worse. And I am sick of the behaviour of his DD. He thinks the sun shines out of.. etc but it certainly doesn’t. She has become and manipulative and mean child who deliberately and seems to actively enjoy making other children feel like shit. It is awful and I expect him to do something about it with a response more robust than “I’ll talk to her about her worries” No. you will give her both barrels and tell her her behaviour it’s disgusting and shameful and you are not proud of her when she behaves like that.

It seems to have sunk in. DP is making huge efforts with my DS. They are getting on very well. DP said he missed my DS the utter say when we were watching England play and my DS wasn’t with us! And I’m not sure if he has spoken to his DD but my DD reports things do seem to have been better. Unfortunately his DD is a very damaged child. The acrimonious split of her parents has had such an effect on her. She is jealous of my DD I think. And I’ll be honest and say my DP’s parenting is definitely not how I would parent children! I don’t think his ex agreed with his methods either! I’m just grateful we don’t share children as at least I can let him do his own kids and I can do mine as I see fit. But yeah, I am often standing there with a silent 🤨 listening to him!

Seems unaware? Or is made aware but then carries on regardless?

Seems unaware. I.make him aware but then he thinks it's part of the game.

On one issue in particular I finally lost my temper and told him never to tease me about that again and suggested he enjoyed humiliating me.

He was very taken aback and quite tearful about it and very apologetic.

He said he thought it was a game. I said one I've refused to play all this time and have told you no consistently - what part of that didn't you understand- he really didn't get it.

@nl55 I’m sure that was a very scary situation. Sending you a hug! How are you feeling? I hope you’ve had speedy treatment. I know what you mean about rushing to get better, do take your time on recovery though. Wishing you the best recovery 💐

Sounds like you were very firm in the end! Which clearly you needed to be!

I don’t know, I think the being unable to read very clear social cues must be the issue here. DP can’t seem to see he is winding my DS up. Or maybe he does and he thinks it’s a game too. I can see it isn’t being received that way but he can’t. When he does it with me I am just very black and white: stony faced, “I am not finding this funny”. He then tells me I have no sense of humour. Fine then. I do have an excellent sense of humour actually but I don’t enjoy being teased. He can say this is a sense of humour failure which is fine by me!

Oh and by my partners own admission he is very passive aggressive and yet would criticise me for that

How do you all take the rigid adherence to routine? I try not to take it personally. I'm only human sometimes I fail at that. But when we've had a lovely weekend together and he's sitting there with a face like a slapped arse because he hasn't followed some of his routine such as some mediocre household chore that didn't need doing, but it's part of his routine, i can't help but be offended.

I feel like saying to him why did I bother coming then? If you would rather do chores than see me? He says thats not the case and not to take it personally. I mean, why does he have to say anything? How am I meant to respond to that?

@nl55 Just read about the stroke, hope you are ok and recovering. Hope you have someone who can pop in and hrlp you if you need it. Sending a big hug.

@MySocksAreDotty glad that you've found a way to communicate by writing to each other. It's a big breakthrough that you can bring things up and discuss, even though it's painful. I sometimes wonder if writing mught work as I'm unable to voice my actual thoughts and feelings and end up becoming mute or burst into tears!

Give it a try LittleSwede 🙂

nl55 im so sorry about your stroke: do put your physical and emotional health first! Sending love!

Do you think the inability to be able to put themselves in another’s s shoes causes many of the issues?

Yes, he does this to our DCs too and now in our divorce I am being accused of emotionally abusing him! it is maddening beyond belief. So all the times I begged, pleaded, asked nicely, nagged, you name it, for some self reflection and change/accountability on his part and now I am the one being unreasonable and pushy. I am not sure if this is ND specific or just true douche-baggery. At this point I am beginning to think I just married a man-child and he is using his ND as an excuse to be an asshole. Sorry for the vulgarity, I am just so drained from his ridiculousness.

Thank you everyone for the well wishes. Truly appreciate it and this group. 💐Things are slow going but a tiny bit better each day

@nl55 I don’t meant to sound rude but I look at it like what would a young child do if they were in the same situation as a lot are emotionally at that age whether ND or some other trauma. What appears immature to us and childish behaviour is actually where they are. It doesn’t help you but it’s explains the behaviour a little. He is emotionally a man with a child like brain. I hope this doesn’t sound offensive. When caught and developed from a young age behaviours and growth can be developed if it’s left I don’t think it just happens and lots of very unhealthy coping mechanism take over.

My 8 year old is under assessment for ADHD. She is always the victim in the story when in trouble at school because she is unable to put herself in the other’s shoes. She wanted something so she simply coerced her friend to give it. She was happy she got it and her crying friend didn’t prompt empathy. In this story she feels sorry for herself because she didn’t have something she wanted and her friend said no you can’t have it.

Thank you so much for this perspective. Not offensive at all, and I truly appreciate the insight here. It helps alot because I find myself getting exasperated and then it does me no good and my kids and him for that matter to just spin in a circle about it. I just need to remind myself of this when I start to get frustrated with the situation.

@nl55 its awful to be on the other side of it. I divorced my first husband of 12 years because he was like this. I couldn’t get through to him. He lost his temper and threw things and shouted and tantrumed, lied and coerced me. He was undiagnosed ADHD I’m 100% certain. I wish I had known what I know now back then. I made the whole situation worse trying so desperately to get him to understand anything. I had to meet him where he was and I found that impossible so eventually left.

@nl55 Sending healing. I can relate totally to your X's behaviour and also similar situation with DC @Simplefoke

Explanations help but it's navigating a safe path for everyone that's damn tricky!

yep @working4ever finding the right path is hard. I do think it helps to find understanding in order to step off the merry go round. It can also help to see the other persons perspective despite it being unrealistic. In these circumstances I think you can only meet a person where they are and realise you can’t reason your way through to them. It can be a dangerous path depending on the type of person. I did get support form women’s aid as the shouting and “gaslighting” as it felt wore me down.

Yes. I do think this. I think we all have needs and I think most people are able to see that sometimes their needs conflict with others and they will have to balance whose needs are greatest and what is fair.

DP isn’t too bad at providing for me practically and will often prioritise my needs over his own. Emotionally he struggles. He thinks me asserting my feelings is me imposing on him. Whereas him asserting his feelings is him just saying how he feels. He often cannot reverse the situation. His feelings should be permitted and paid attention to whereas mine are an imposition. Not all the time. If I catch him in the right way then we can be quite productive.

My dad has very little awareness or regard for what another person might be feeling. He just doesn’t understand why someone else would have an equal say in matters. Example: we went away for a big family weekend. My brother and SIL gave him a lift. It was about three hours drive and my dad didn’t want to drive it. Fair enough. Check out on Sunday. My SIL’s grown up son goes to uni near the house we booked so she had arranged to meet him for lunch. Dad takes umbrage. Says he doesn’t want to stay for lunch and wants to get home. He doesn’t like getting home when it’s dark. He complains to me and says he doesn’t see why he should be made to stay for lunch when he doesn’t want to. I said well maybe you should consider that SIL and DB are kindly giving you a lift. And maybe you should be more accommodating as she doesn’t see her son very much now he’s so far away. He still looked annoyed. So I said “ok are you saying that SIL and DB should NOT meet him for lunch all because you want to get home before dark? They should cancel lunch and drive you home? Is that what you think should happen here?”

To which he shamelessly replied that is exactly what he thinks should happen!

He just cannot see others needs as more important than his. They almost don’t register. Even if he’s in receipt of a favour. He can’t understand their needs. He can’t understand he isn’t being reasonable. It is literally like dealing with a little child who wants what they want. We teach children empathy. But there is no hope of doing this with some people. They will never get past the child’s view of the world and how they are the centre.

@BustyLaRoux my MIL is like this. She is totally avoidant of feelings. If they don’t align with her thinking then there is no scope for flexibility. People have roles to play, they are 2d characters. You be happy and easy and align or you don’t exist. It’s awful being on the wrong side of the coin as you are invisible.