Married to someone with Asperger's/ASD: support thread 11

[Daftasabroom]

New thread.

This thread is for those of us seeking to explore the dynamics of long term relationships with our ND partners. It is a support thread, and a safe space, it does get emotional at times. Avoid sweeping generalisations if possible, try and keep it specific to you and your partner.

ND people are more than welcome, some of us are in ND:ND relationships.

I was thinking of chengeing the thread Aspergers/ASD to ND, which I think might be more appropriate and inculsive, but I've left it as it is as I suspect many people find us by searching for Aspergers and/or ASD.

It's complicated and it's emotional.

The old thread is here

The preconceived notions of how a relationship should be are tiring. DP just wants peace all the time, which to him means never talking through anything that’s bothering me. But issues have to be talked through and then worked at to resolve them. If they aren’t resolved, they raise their ugly heads again, and again destroy his peace. He can’t seem that tackling them when they’re tiny issues would be so much healthier, quicker and easier than avoiding them. It makes me feel unheard and unseen.

We can’t make our ND partners do anything that is not of their own wanting. They have to be able to understand that there is a possibility their thinking and behaviours are unintentionally hurting others. I try and teach this to my own daughter. She has ADHD. It is easier for her because she shows empathy. What she can’t understand is why she can’t push in front of queues or why she can’t win in all games. She is having to be taught about this from a young age, to learn different thinking.

Wish I could take my own advice. Just been to kids party and there was a mum there complaining her son is being really rude to her. Her husband is a pig and talks to her like shit and I'm thinking "of course. Your son is copying his dad. What did you think would happen?"

Then I come home to an H who ignores me. When I walked in the 3 year old was alone ans H rushed down from upstairs- I suspect he'd just left in frotn of the telly all afternoon, and when I asked if he'd done the washing he started on soem tirade at me about something totally irrelevant.

When I talk to other women it seems so obvious what they should do but can't take my own advice

I so agree with this.

Yes! Exactly this. It’s so draining, frustrating, upsetting ....

How’s everybody doing? xx

OK. Nice weekend. DP nearly tried to derail things but I headed that one off by refusing to be drawn into it! And a swift moving on and not point scoring when I would have been well entitled to!

How are you? Did the ultimatum conversation happen? X

It did happen, yes, but without me using the word ‘ultimatum’. He just looked at me, then 10 mins later tried to bring up when I’d been mean back in March: yes, I was mean, I apologised then, I was sincere in my apology, the case is now closed.
I feel like he’s checked-out of our relationship since getting back last night and I don’t think he loves me anymore. It’s making me feel like I’m not good enough for him. I just want things back the way they were.
I’m so glad you managed to avoid an explosion and have a good weekend. 😊 x

I don’t think you need to be thinking about being good enough or not good enough. It boils down to the fact you have needs of your own and he isn’t able to think in terms of understanding or trying to meet those. He wants you to meet his needs and for you to be someone who is happy with this a one way arrangement. I would consider yourself lucky in many respects as he is making this clear now, fairly early on. Many people on here were years in and with children together or financially tied before the penny dropped. The fact you asked for him not to bring things up from the past and the fact he did this immediately is a sign I think. A sign that his need to bring something up trumps your need to leave things in the past. That’s not going to change is it? Me and DP fall out but the important thing is to say sorry, draw a line and move on. Or forget it completely. There is no value in raising things from months ago. I don’t know if this is an autistic thing but I have noticed that DP does seem to almost enjoy the role of wounded victim. He quite likes the drama around being wronged. I don’t just mean if I “wrong” him. He will take issue with other relatives doing fairly minor things which I wouldn’t bat an eyelid over but he obsesses about them and will fall out with people. Creates a scenario where he is utterly wronged and cannot get over it. A bit of a victim complex. Not sure if it’s just him or a common trait…..

Hey, DH is in therapy at the moment and tackling some big stuff. He’s pretty upset and not functioning that well. I’m just letting him have space. We’ve started writing to each other. I don’t think talking really works for him at all. It is yielding results, we’re better able to understand each other. He’s finding it terribly hard.

Both of us have been making a huge effort to be open and curious about each others’ experience which is great. It’s all taking up a lot of energy. I have to trust that it will be worth it in the end.

Maybe writing down our relationship difficulties has made them more concrete? He’s accepted them more than when we talk. He’s stepped out of denial on quite a few things.

At the same time opening stuff up has made it possible to see that a split might be an outcome of this process. While I want to stay, I feel somehow better that this is shared now and I don’t feel like I’m the only one who sees the problems.

I feel relief we seem to be working on stuff after a decade of ignored difficulties. At the same time I’m finding it scary. Trying to be brave and hope for the best, to hope for better understanding, some repair, some happiness. Sorry for the mega post!

That is rather amazing! Even if it doesn’t lead to a perfect reunion perhaps you eill at least feel heard.

Hi everyone, sorry I haven't posted in a while but after some advice.
I am concerned by ND husband is minimising how ill he's feeling following a recent TIA. He insists he is better and wants to get back to normal, work wise, however I can clearly see evidence that the weakness on one side is still causing issues.
Is this just a 'man thing' (not admitting weakness) or is it something more aligned to his neurodiversity as he does seem to struggle with explaining feeling etc.
I'm concerned that I'm missing something.

My DP gets offended over the tiniest slight he perceives from someone else as well - relatives, colleagues etc He barely spoke to his brother for years because he didn’t like how his brother had handled a situation over a decade ago. All that missed time! I’ve met his brother and he’s such a gentle soul: I think all thd gentleness went to him rather than being equally shared amongst the brothers…. 🥴

I’ve sent DP a message on arriving at work today to say that he has to decide by the end of tonight whether he’s in this with me or not, because I can’t carry on with the tension and emotional upheaval much longer. He said he still loves me, fancies me, is committed to me, wants ‘us’. But he also says he’s in a lot of pain. Him giving all his thought-time to his pain is destroying us, and any chance of us getting back to normal, though. I have pain from the last 8/9 months but I’m willing and able to put it away and have a fresh start. He said last night was ‘fine’ - yeah, fine if you’re housemates who don’t know each other well…. I don’t want or need a housemate: I want a partner. He continued to bring up stuff from the past at bedtime: why I would want to remain friends with an ex - but if it was a dealbreaker, he should have said that last summer, not nearly a year later. I just need my peace back.

Well—you have your answer. This is who he is. A shamer. A blamer. A permanent tit for tatter. The early happy, fun, loving, sexy, interested person was a fragile mask overlaying the real him.

@pikkumyy77 I guess we all have a mask to cover up some kind of pain or trauma. But it’s when you can let it down and listen to others who are trying to help you is when it matters. No one is perfect but I would and do work on the parts of me that aren’t so great so I don’t end up hurting others. It’s never ok to hurt and control and project onto others in order to keep some kind of personal control. Self reflection is hard and painful. It must be almost impossible with ND going on or really deep rooted behaviours. One of those things you just have to walk away from. It’s probably in a lot of cases they just can’t instead of won’t.

There is ND but clearly there is also personality type, temperament, and upbringing at issue. There are great ND/NT relationships and ones that don’t work for either party. Sometimes its on the ND party to walk away if they can’t get their needs met without damaging their NT partner, surely?

I guess it depends on things like the level of co-dependancy. Must be so complicated in some cases.

Hi, I have been gone for a few weeks after suffering a stroke two weeks ago. I do not think this behavior is confine to ND. I am NT and struggling with this as well. I want to get back to normal as soon as possible, although I realize rushing it may make things worse. I took a week off of work and working half days for the next few weeks. I am realizing recovery is for the long-haul, but ND or NT it is difficult to come to terms with especially in light of all the other challenges these partnerships (and even their splits) entail. Please take care of yourself too. 💝

Do any of you have experience of ND partners winding you up deliberately and not taking no for an answer?

I find I have to be very clear such as raising my voice and saying I'm SERIOUS when I'm not in the mood for his "jokes"

Exactly this I’m afraid.

Yea he still loves, still fancies, still…. Bla bla bla!!!! Ultimately he is saying the focus of this relationship needs to be him/his feelings/his pain. Your job will be to manage that, to lessen that, to focus on that more than your own feelings, needs or pain. He is literally telling you this. I think you know what you need to do. And I think lots of people on here will wish they could rewind 20 years and do what you may be about to. You genuinely do deserve better. You are a whole person. A life with someone like DP will likely mean you have to make peace with being half a person. Apologising for yourself, second guessing your crimes, managing their mood swings…. it’s no life.

@nl55 i’m sorry to hear that. I thought you’d been quiet! I hope you’re OK xxx

Thank you, recovering slowly, but each day a little bit better than the last. I guess I could be the cautionary tale- don't let your spouse stress you to the point of a stroke 😁I guess that is why we have this lovely group to vent to.

Yes!!! Goading, teasing etc definitely seem to be a thing. It’s bullying! When it’s clear someone doesn’t like it and the other person persists and persists and persists and then when they eventually get upset, says “god it was only a joke!!!”

I absolutely hate it!

DP has been doing this to my DS. DS clearly doesn’t like it. Eventually he reacts by being rude and then gets a bollocking off DP for answering back. I step in and say “that’s not fair. You wound him up on purpose. He clearly wasn’t finding that funny!” DP then accuses me of not backing him up and letting my DS get away with being rude. Refuses to accept he caused the situation. Just says he is the adult (well fucking act like it then!!!) and my DS should respect him.

DP’s DD is a bully as she copies his behaviour (sometimes word for word!!!) and winds up my DD by being really nasty and then when DD eventually gets upset and cries, his DD claims she was just joking!

Bullying, gaslighting, unacceptable. And I’ve made that clear to DP. I will not tolerate bullying and I threatened to move out if he didn’t address this.

You are right to be firm. It isn’t funny when someone clearly says they are not enjoying “the joke”.

I agree with this. You had a very brief relationship with a masked man and are in now in a relationship with the real him. It's sad of course but better to face the reality this soon.