Married to someone with Asperger's/ASD: support thread 11

[Daftasabroom]

New thread.

This thread is for those of us seeking to explore the dynamics of long term relationships with our ND partners. It is a support thread, and a safe space, it does get emotional at times. Avoid sweeping generalisations if possible, try and keep it specific to you and your partner.

ND people are more than welcome, some of us are in ND:ND relationships.

I was thinking of chengeing the thread Aspergers/ASD to ND, which I think might be more appropriate and inculsive, but I've left it as it is as I suspect many people find us by searching for Aspergers and/or ASD.

It's complicated and it's emotional.

The old thread is here

I suspect people looking in might have called me that before. I'm not a doormat I was just desperately trying not to trigger him.

@Flittingaboutagain yes sorry wrong wording. I was also one also. I was trying to say he has another “manager” but she is getting walked over really. It’s hard. Sorry I meant no offence.

Thank you. I wasn't offended but wanted to give a different perspective.

Similarly, our counsellor has said that the black and white thinking we're up against is less courtroom (list of ammunition, point scoring) and more computer algorithm (if X then Y without any real context). I don't know if that helps but it's useful to see how/why my husband genuinely doesn't understand the situation (and irony often) as I do.

I know I'm repeating myself....BUT.....I CANNOT GO ON LIKE THIS.

I've been working long long days in different cities. H is v clear with me that the pressure to earn more is on me - so I'm trying really hard in my career as we are having money issues. (I'm actually in debt but can't tell him).

He NEVER communicates. I stayed in a city i've never been to - not a single message or reply. he does not care. He doesn't tell me how the kids are, don't respond to simple questions. I have talked to him about it before but it's totally pointless. Sometimes I don't even know if he's got DC from afterschool club and have rushed there to pick him up to find he's already been picked up by H.

I hate living like this. But will this be what to expect when we split? Could I potentially go for a week at a time without hearing anything from my DC. The children are too young to call me directly - so, if he doesnt' contact - i will not hear their voices, and pick up times etc will be impossible to arrange.

I feel like whatever happens - I'm trapped by him. Totally - this man has so much power over me.

I know I'm repeating myself....BUT.....I CANNOT GO ON LIKE THIS.

I've been working long long days in different cities. H is v clear with me that the pressure to earn more is on me - so I'm trying really hard in my career as we are having money issues. (I'm actually in debt but can't tell him).

He NEVER communicates. I stayed in a city i've never been to - not a single message or reply. he does not care. He doesn't tell me how the kids are, don't respond to simple questions. I have talked to him about it before but it's totally pointless. Sometimes I don't even know if he's got DC from afterschool club and have rushed there to pick him up to find he's already been picked up by H.

I hate living like this. But will this be what to expect when we split? Could I potentially go for a week at a time without hearing anything from my DC. The children are too young to call me directly - so, if he doesnt' contact - i will not hear their voices, and pick up times etc will be impossible to arrange.

I feel like whatever happens - I'm trapped by him. Totally - this man has so much power over me.

Sounds tough @MassiveMugOfTea. I’d look at it like I’d rather be happy at least 50% of the time then unhappy 100% of the time. Pick up and all that can be sorted legally, that’s what I have in place. Plus mid week calls if away for a week at a time. My ex only has every other weekend and half holidays split in one whole week intervals in the summer. It’s 10000% better than living with him.

@MassiveMugOfTea I’m so sorry. There’s a lot of pressure on you isn’t there, and very little support. It must be very very hard. I think if you need to leave then as @Rainbow03 says, it will be better than being miserable 100% of the time.

Indeed. I agree. Thank you both! There is no doubt i would be happier single. I daydream about it. I dont fear single life for a second. But It feels like I'm exchanging my happiness for my kids happiness and that is a hard thing to accept.

@MassiveMugOfTea no one can pour from an empty cup. I felt like that for a long time. But I show my daughter that it’s ok to leave something that isn’t working. It’s a lesson I hope she learns so that she walks from someone who isn’t good for her without the trauma I carry. I don’t think it’s taught enough. We are taught to cling on and make things work when we shouldn’t. If your child was you in 20 years you’d tell her to leave.

I think the thing is that we could walk away, but our kids can’t walk away from the person we get to walk away from, and in fact they’d end up with a lot more unsupervised time with them, in which they would likely be neglected and possibly unsafe and frequently shouted at, with nobody there to protect them. And that is hard for a lot of us.

Court was useful for me in that sense. Sometimes the fear of the unknown can hold you back. I understand a lot of fear based thinking is involved.

Depending on your 'd'H if it gets to court there could be a lot of mud slinging and rewriting of history from them. You will need to stay strong and have a good lawyer or support to self represent. They don't take kindly to change and like to blame!

H just revealed he didn't know where I've been. So I went to a city 200 miles away and stayed overnight and came back the next evening and he had no idea where or why I was away. Entirely unbothered by my existence. When I said I was in XX City for work he replied "that's a weird place to have to go, sounds like an affair" and then did a weird laugh and has gone to bed.

I think he doesnt like me at all. He has less interest in me than a random acquaintance.

I think its time to admit it's over.

I'm so sorry. It's really quite extraordinary to realise how little interest someone who promised to love and cherish you can have once they indeed 'have' you. I hope you manage to get some sleep tonight.

This post has really hit home. I’ve been on and off these threads and it’s only on reading this that I’ve realised this was exactly it. I was his special interest. Things were very intense at the start, things moved quickly. As soon as we were married it was like a flip had switched.

Years later he still has no interest in me whatsoever, he has no interest in anything I have to say and huffs if I try to talk to him while gaming - which is all he does in his spare time while at home, so it’s the only time I can talk to him. It’s so lonely. He even sits separately gaming while eating his dinner, so we never eat as a family. I have no one to share my thoughts and feelings with, he isn’t interested and I’m a SAHM with no family around so feel quite isolated.

I can’t ever be sad about anything without being called pathetic as he can’t cope with emotions, and explosive rages can happen at any moment which I’ve realised are when he perceives a criticism from something that is said or does something where he thinks people might internally criticise him (ie drops something accidentally). It took me a while to work out what was causing these outbursts because he can twist around what has been said so much to see a criticism.

Reading these posts I can never quite believe that there are others out there experiencing similar.

He has no interest in the house so it’s falling apart around him, and I cannot ask him to sort anything out because he can’t stand being asked to do things and goes the opposite way and refuses to do things until a number of months have passed without it having been mentioned at all, it seems so childish.

@tinyredflower yy to the house falling down around him, and his refusal to allow any tradespeople in to fix anything. And his insistence he’ll fix it himself, which he never does - and if I gently remind him, that just sets off his demand avoidance so that he can’t even contemplate it for at least another year. And if I start learning how to fix it myself he goes mental because he’s convinced I’ll do it wrong and somehow break the entire house. And only he knows how to do it absolutely correctly, and I just need to give him time. Infinite time. Eternal time.

Omg @Bunnyhair you’ve described my ex….so so complicated. I can just imagine the inside of your brain trying to figure it out. I can relate, Im sorry, I ended up having a nervous breakdown so I know that’s how much of a mess it creates inside.

@Rainbow03 I really relate to what you saying about realising that there parts of your personalities that just can't suppress, even if it means a calmer house. I can't bite my tongue for ever! It's physically impossible!

This morning there was something on telly about first memories. H starts talking at length about early memories, lots of detail. I started to respond and he walked out the room instantly. Then he came back and said "people are way too overindulgent about childhood" and then started to tell me "there is literally no evidence that early childhoods affect anything really".

He is an absolute arsehole. He doesn't listen to anyone. He disregards things with no evidence. It's not that he's not emotional as actually he can be v sentimental about his own life

The DC are boys. I'd hate them to treat their partners like this. I feel my oldest son is already picking up traits. My younger one hasn't at all

@Bunnyhair @tinyredflower totally get you aboyt the house. Complains about things all the time (draughts, leaky taps) but doesn't do anything and then if I YouTube it and try to fix myself he starts with "oh you've got bases covered eh? Aren't you all independent" all sarcastic.

You had a nervous breakdown @Fortheloveof83 I'm so sorry. Are you free now?

The DC are boys. I'd hate them to treat their partners like this. I feel my oldest son is already picking up traits. My younger one hasn't at all

@MassiveMugOfTea yes I noticed that with my two ds.
And it scared the shit out of me. I didn’t respond well (ended up making PA comments that of course dh didn’t get. But I didn’t feel at the time, I could be direct Wo a massive fall out. Dcs then ended up thinking I was the one unreasonable 😢).

BUT I still showed up every time one of the dcs started to behave that way. I told them NO. I explained why. Put boundaries in place.
And it worked
I have two young adults that don’t behave like dh, dc1, who is NT, in particular.
dc2 is more difficult but I’m not sure he is ever going to ‘get over’ this out of sight out of mind attitude. He has always been like this. It’s part of him rather than learnt iyswim.
But I’m still teaching and parenting so hoping he’ll learn it’s important to keep in contact, care about the whereabouts of people before he leaves Uni - another 3 years…

I suppose that, in that respect, the good point of dh also being on the spectrum is that I can see what could be and can act on it with dc iyswim. Otherwise, it would be brushed under the carpet ‘it’s just the way he is’, ‘it’s a small thing’ etc….

fwiw dh is annoyed at dc2 for not staying in touch, not responding. Something HE is fully guilty about! But somehow he doesn’t put the two together 🤷‍♀️🤷‍♀️

@MassiveMugOfTea yes around 6 years now. He mentioned early on he thought he has ADHD, not diagnosed. I never paid attention as I was young and it was a passing comment. I left and came to the conclusion he was an abusive asshole. But having had some time to think he was definitely ADHD and an abusive asshole with a shit modelled childhood with terrible learned behaviours on top!

@Fortheloveof83 i hope you are ok now.
It must have been a really hard period for you.

@SpecialMangeTout it’s always work in progress. I still suffer and have to re-learn a lot of unhealthy childhood behaviours also. It’s hard but I’ve moved on with another partner and we have a one year old plus my 8 year old from previous relationship,I wouldn’t trade my life I love these guys. It’s been a hard lesson and one I should never have had to learn but I can’t change that. My partner now is ND but he is very kind and he tries so hard and that’s enough as we all have to try and compromise in some way. He has a good heart.

Finding fathers day hard. Eldest is pda and just can't handle a special day well. I feel like a single mother. I really do. I feel so alone.

I’m sorry it’s hard. Both DH and DS are PDA which at least means nobody is put out at my house when Father’s Day isn’t acknowledged at all. I’m the only one who remembers it’s even a thing. It does help me feel better about the total lack of recognition of Mother’s Day, as it’s clearly not personal.

I was talking about this with a lovely fellow SEN mum today who said she makes her (atheist) family go to church on Mother’s Day because then at least somebody acknowledges it. Apparently they go all out at this church, giving daffodils to all the mums and loads of praise and recognition. No chance my family would do something like this with me, but I may tag along with this other family next year 😂