Married to someone with Asperger's/ASD: support thread 11

[Daftasabroom]

New thread.

This thread is for those of us seeking to explore the dynamics of long term relationships with our ND partners. It is a support thread, and a safe space, it does get emotional at times. Avoid sweeping generalisations if possible, try and keep it specific to you and your partner.

ND people are more than welcome, some of us are in ND:ND relationships.

I was thinking of chengeing the thread Aspergers/ASD to ND, which I think might be more appropriate and inculsive, but I've left it as it is as I suspect many people find us by searching for Aspergers and/or ASD.

It's complicated and it's emotional.

The old thread is here

I think there is something in that. I was advised to lower my expectations by someone very close. I have done that, and with a combination of other circumstances, including an empty nest, our relationship is much less volatile.

There is a difference though in lowering your expectations and ignoring your personal wellbeing.

@Rainbow03 totally agree about waste of time expecting change. 99% of time I don't but because things had felt a little easier recently, I opened up, and bam...telling me to stop crying and leave him alone

Choice is stay and lower expectations OR leave and hope for something better (but risk something much worse). H changing or the relationship improving is not part of my thinking.

Crazy thing is I regret not leaving when the kids were babies. Now they're primary school it feels too major. But I can see a future where I regret not leaving now (when kids are teenagers/doing exams etc)

@MassiveMugOfTea it’s not you, he can’t change or be anyone different, he’s a fixed human. Lowering your expectations means forcibly removing and changing parts of yourself, dissociating or numbing and it’s never going to end well without your mind and body protesting. Which means mental health and physical health issues. You will only see an increase in resentment and snap at him and he can’t change his response to that. It’s only my opinion though based on my experience. One of my biggest regrets now from those 12 years is the growth of myself I missed out on. All the hope and the pleasing and the reduction of myself in order to effect change only led to nothing but resentment. You don’t gain or win anything by staying. Children adapt and it’s easier to help them when you don’t have the biggest “child” to deal with.

Through my therapy I have come to accept that leaving earlier was not an option, for various reasons, and I have forgiven myself for not doing so. I told her I have been actively thinking about leaving for nearly two years (since realising that his behaviours are i fact somewhat abusive) and she asked me 'the' question about if i still wanted to be here in another two years. For some reason that really hit home for me, I do not want to be here in two years time. So she advised me to take my time a bit now, plan and prepare. Not rush or panic but start working my way out. My DD is nearly 10, ASD, possibly PDA with complex needs. How old are your DC? Hopefully they are of an age when they are maybe a bit more interdependent than at the baby stage? I could not have left my DD with H at baby or toddler stage but am hoping that it might be easier now, even though she has more needs than average 9 yo.

(the 'she' I refer to above is my therapist)

That’s my experience too @Daftasabroom

It’s just that lowering expectations, I’ve done that a long time ago. But for it to work, it meant giving up completely of the idea of having a marriage. A marriage for me is a relationship where we are in it together. We support each other. We have a common goal on how to live.
Instead I have ‘playing together side by side’ - he lives his life. I’m not allowed to interfere in it. I live mine.

Then it works.

There are no outburst anymore. He is in a better mood. On the surface, it looks like things are pretty good.
Deeper down, he isn’t supporting me at all. He is still very judgemental of my illness (god forbid, I’m talking about it!). And anything that could mean disturbing his pattern can’t happen. Not for me, not for the dcs either.

But I’ve given up.

And once I’ve found my feet again, because it will happen, I’ll be out.

Because let’s be honest, why living with a room mate when you have to fit your life around them when you could be living your life instead?

@SpecialMangeTout hope you can find your feet again soon. It's sad to have to reduce ourselves and become smaller by lowering our expectations.

So a sensitive question for you. I hope you might have some insights there.

I have two dcs, now both at Uni.

Dc2 is on the spectrum too. Similar pattern than dh. No small talk at all. Needing a lot of hand holding still. No communication (he really acts as if we can read his mind so give us very little info about his life/his plans for the hols/projects for the future etc…).

The more it goes the more I’m finding it hard to relate to him.
Just as much as I am happy to see dc1, can’t wait for him to tell me what’s going on for him, have a chat etc…
I dont feel the same with dc2. The connexion isn’t the same at all.

And I’m not sure how to handle it.
I want to treat them the same, see them both as much as each other. Be as close to both of them . But it doesn’t seem this is how it’s going to pan out.
im worried dc2 will understand how I’m feeling.

And I have no idea how to deal with it.

You say DC2 is on the spectrum, does he know this? If so, can you explain kindly that you cannot read his mind and you'd like to know what he is thinking sometimes. I can say this kind of thing to my adult child on the spectrum. I also enjoy getting into their special interests. We get on well ... because I don't ask or expect anything much from them.

Oh I’m telling him I can’t read his mind! And have done so for a long time. Doesn’t seem to have helped though. I think he genuinely thinks that the tiny bit of info he gives is enough.

I can’t say I’m not getting on with him. We are getting on well, we talk. I’m the one he is reaching out to when there is an issue. But just like dh, he doesn’t do small talk and talking about his interests only come after some probing. It’s fastidious. There is no flow into it. (And I’m pretty sure that when we have those convos, he is masking and is making a huge effort to communicate with me).

But yes about not asking or expecting much. I don’t (dh trained me well on that lol).

Im more worried that, at some point, he’ll notice the difference between him and dc1.

@SpecialMangeTout is there something that you and your DC2 both enjoy doing that doesn't involve chat but more of a 'joint attention' type thing? Like a film at the cinema or an exhibition/museum related to a special interest? It might be fine to have different type of connections with different DC, ND or not I guess (I only have one DC and we're both ASD)

DD is a lot younger but I have been joining her on Roblox (and I used to hate gaming! It really triggers my demand avoidance) just to find a form of connection whilst she's been out of school/burn out. Actually quite enjoying gaming now 😆 the days of helping her set up her doll/barbie houses and assist in play are long gone!

Dc2 interests all lie in doing outdoor things. I’m housebound….

A special interest is how dh and dc1 sort of connect.
For me, being ill makes it really hard (and even harder because I used to do a lot of outdoor stuff stuff. I’d would have been delighted to join in with him when he was younger if I had been able to 😢😢)

So yes talking is the best I can do just now.

@SpecialMangeTout ok, so my ideas of cinema etc not applicable, sorry. Would he be at all interested in things related to the outdoors that doesn't involve being outdoors? Like looking up equipment, research or planning something with your help? My H and late FIL were heavily into Ray Mears and that kind of stuff, watched all the programmes, got loads of books and looked stuff up etc. Most of it was about the dreams/aspirations and didn't end in any great ventures out into the wild, the fun was in the research and learning. Do you have a garden that you can access? Food from the Fire by Niklas Eksted has loads of ideas of cooking outdoors but can be done in a garden too.

@LittleSwede sorry if I missed this but are you in the process of leaving then? How has your daughter responded? I definitely agree with your therapist that we must not berate ourselves for when/if we leave...another thing to feel guilty about

I was away for work last night and feel OK leaving my 2 DC (3 and 6) with H. He's OK with them for one night and also things are calm and "happy" at home and he's managing things OK. What I've found is that if H is under pressure/he is angry at me, he is incapable of putting the kids first. So if he's angry with me he will be sulky, angry and sometimes quite scary in frotn of them.

So while it's OK to leave them now, he will be so bitter and raging if I leave him, that I worry he will be unable to put the kids first. God knows what he'd say/do.

He's also awful in a crisis. He takes himself to bed in middle of day. But I'm there so he knows he can. Would he do it if he in sole care of our young DC? Honestly I just don't know.

If I leave now my younger one has a decade before a court would listen to him. My heart breaks at the thought

But I also feel sick at the thought of still being here 10 years later.

@MassiveMugOfTea Not quite at the actual leaving stage yet no, but my mind is made up and I'm slowly making plans. DD doesn't know anything and I don't think we'd tell her straight away anyway. I guess we'll have to wait and see. I completely get what you mean about H not being able to put kids first in crisis and not coping when things go wrong etc. It's so hard isn't it.

If it helps my ex was signed up to all the dating sites within weeks of me leaving our 12 year marriage. Despite telling me he was suicidal without me, they’d never be another, I’m irreplaceable. I shouldn’t laugh but it’s ridiculous. The lady he found is a better people then I could have been so he lucked out. She is lovely and does all the childcare when he has his contact weekend. I don’t have to worry that she isn’t taken care of which is a massive positive!

Apparently the GF lets him lay down and rest the whole weekend…..what a lovely doormat!

I would love him to get a new girlfriend. He's already told me that he would try be looking to find "another life partner" if we did split. He needs someone like his mother. Who doesn't ask him for anything, who listens to him talk at length, who tidies up after him. @Rainbow03

Does your DC get on with the GF?

@MassiveMugOfTea yes the GF is lovely. She says she is like you mummy. She does everything for daddy. Sometimes he shouts at her.

I suspected my MIL wanted my partner to find a mum (just like her) the other son has. My journey and my therapy is turning into a “don’t respect my feelings” then you don’t respect me and we can’t be friends. Unfortunately people are dropping like flies and that’s another part of the therapy I’ve had to bring forward because I suffer rejection sensitivity. I’m having to learn that I’m inherently worthy and not to “people please” my way into relationships. I’ve no idea why my ND partner has chosen me lol! His mum is as emotional as a paper bag, she now voids me like the plague (I’m not even that emotional lol).

When we decided to get married dh said the me ‘well you’re the person that I stayed with the longest so I supposed youre the one’….

Yes I should have run away then!
But it shows what dh thought process was 😢😢
(I just thought he was awkward and didn’t know how to express his feelings rather than a true expression of his feelings)

@SpecialMangeTout I had a deep conversation last night that’s been keeping me awake.(by conversation it was one way, he led there motionless whilst I spoke) I said it must be so nice for my daughters father to sleep well believing he’s had no part in the trauma of our shared daughter whilst I can’t sleep worrying about how my choices have effected her. I’m aware that the abuse was all on him but my lack of awareness of my
own feelings led me to put up with it. He on the other hand is justified that I caused it all. I wasn’t asking anything of his apart from the awareness that I was sad and wanted a hug and a “no it wasn’t your fault”, some validation of my sadness. Instead I got a do you want me to arrange someone to beat him up……oh yeah very mature I feel better now!

@Rainbow03 ive given up getting emotional support from dh.
He can’t do it and whether it’s the ASD or something else doesn’t matter anymore. He just can’t.

Ive realised that being vulnerable and telling him my deepest thoughts/fears was just hurting me. Both because I was still somehow expecting him to give me some support which he can’t do so I was disappointed and deeply hurt every time. But also because I think doing that was just giving him amunitions to confirm I was <insert whatever defects he thinks I have - not strong enough/making a fuss out of nothing etc…>

Thats probably the biggest plus of detaching and giving up for me.
Im also aware of the saying ‘the opposite of love isn’t hate. It’s indifference’ and indifference is probably where I am now.
But I couldn’t carry on caring. It was too hurtful to me.

@SpecialMangeTout he was gaining ammunition that you are a perfectly normal flawed human like the majority or humans. I’ve not really thought about that. My MIL thinks I’m literally “crazy” and should be avoided. She most definitely is Autistic or traumatised and my vulnerability makes her think I’m faulty. I did believe it for a while and I became very depressed and isolated (triggered trauma from my childhood) but I now realise I’m human and nature is full imperfections and that’s what makes it perfect.

DP was yesterday talking about someone he works with whom he finds very frustrating. He said “he’s really difficult to work with. He assumes everyone knows what he knows and gives very little information, then gets really frustrated when people don’t understand what he means”

Me: 😬