Married to someone with Asperger's/ASD: support thread 11

[Daftasabroom]

New thread.

This thread is for those of us seeking to explore the dynamics of long term relationships with our ND partners. It is a support thread, and a safe space, it does get emotional at times. Avoid sweeping generalisations if possible, try and keep it specific to you and your partner.

ND people are more than welcome, some of us are in ND:ND relationships.

I was thinking of chengeing the thread Aspergers/ASD to ND, which I think might be more appropriate and inculsive, but I've left it as it is as I suspect many people find us by searching for Aspergers and/or ASD.

It's complicated and it's emotional.

The old thread is here

that is so interesting. thank you for sharing that - i guess it's what happens with that stark realisation.

i went to therapy - not to work out how to change him because i know that's not possible - but to find the strength to leave. i didn't stay in therapy as he found out and said we couldn't afford it.

i know my H will never change. He doesn't want to, he couldn't. My choice is leave and risk my DC, or stay and not need him/rely on him for anything.

I have found recently that I've been getting weird feelings of intense nausea - so just randomly i feel like i'm about to be sick, and go very light headed. I don't think there is anything wrong with me physically so think it might be to do with stress. It's really intense and i've needed to leave meetings or run to the loo

@pikkumyy77 that is interesting. I know in my personal case after discussing things I’ve attached my own self worth onto the opinions and acceptance of others and tried to please people so that I felt loved and worthy. The issues came when pleasing didn’t work and I then spiral into self hate. Half the time I don’t actually even like the people I’m seeking approval from and find it so uncomfortable trying to mirror morals and behaviours that aren’t me. What a mess!

People definitely get more autistic over time, its because you just get so tired trying to be something you're not all the time to fit in. However there are various ways to do that and fucking off your partner and being difficult doesn't have to be the way.

I daren’t even bring up that I’m finding DH so unfriendly etc. How does one do that without causing a blow up or being told it’s because I’M so unfriendly (I’m not)?

The reality too is that most people get more rigid as they age.
Not a good mix with ASD.

Thank you and yes, it's taken me a long time to accept that it's ok for me to think that along the lines of 'yes I have tried, it's not working and now it's time to move forward separately'.

And then he said "I feel worried too about DS so I'd rather you didn't talk about your worries as it stresses me out. Think of me and be positive please"

^ oh @MassiveMugOfTea this is just unbelievably difficult to live with.

Gently, in order to stop experiencing this level of emotional abandonment is it possible to stop trying to see your husband as a partner and source of support for your parenting journey? He just can't do it. I know that's beyond devastating but it's so clear he can't. Not right now anyway. Could he be like a flatmate or work colleague you happen to live with? Someone you spend time with and discuss superficial topics with?

@Flittingaboutagain sounds like good advice to use on all those people we have in our lives that emotionally abandon us but we can’t just cut contact 100 percent. It’s hard to put into effect when you are an emotionally driven person. I’m either all or nothing so if I were to switch off all my emotions full stop then that affects everyone or I just suffer. I need to learn how to be selective.

If people dont mind explaining what is the thinking behind this that massivemugoftea’s partner said?

"I feel worried too about DS so I'd rather you didn't talk about your worries as it stresses me out. Think of me and be positive please"

Why can’t she talk to him, is he scared about the fact he can’t help his son?

We’ve had such a lovely weekend. And now he’s just exploded at me. Date night. Lovely, although he did drink a fair bit. Got home. We had a message from a website we are in contact with about upcoming trip. He hands me the phone and asks me to respond. As I’m in the middle of this he asks me another question. Which channel is something on that we want to watch. I don’t hear as am typing out reply. He asks again. I still don’t really hear ( I am deaf btw). He asks again. I respond saying “Netflix I think. I don’t know. Can’t you just look? I’m trying to write this email.” Then he starts shouting all about he’s asked me six times (he loves to exaggerate. I think he’s asked me three times. Definitely not six!). I say “ok, no need to raise your voice. I didn’t hear properly. I was attending to this email you asked me to write”. He replies “no need to be defensive!!!” (New favourite thing to say. How defensive I am. Irony being that I’m only defensive in the face of constant criticism and shitty comments!) so I say “I’m not trying to be defensive. I’m explaining why I didn’t hear you. I just didn’t hear you that’s all. I was doing the email. You asked me to write it and handed me the phone, remember?”. He then continues shouting about how he’d asked me several times and he isn’t shouting anyway, he’s just annoyed because he asked and I didn’t answer!”

Basically: STOP WHAT YOU’RE DOING NOW! I need attention now. I can’t deal with searching for a programme!!! You need to stop what you’re doing and listen to me right now. You need to deal with this. You need to tell me what to do!!! WHY ARENT YOU LISTENING??? I told you to stop that! Listen to me now!!!

Me: I’m just dealing with the last thing you asked me to do. About a minute ago.

Him: well I want you STOP THAT! I’ve lost interest in that. You can do that another time. I want this done now. Why aren’t you listening?!

Me: no need to shout. I didn’t hear you. I was busy is all.

Him: here you go, being defensive again!!! I asked several times and you IGNORED ME!!!

It’s like dealing with a demanding toddler!!!! 😕

Sorry @Fortheloveof83 I didn’t mean to quote you then!

I’m glad I’m not the only one on here who is told repeatedly that they’re DEFENSIVE 😂. Erm nooooooooo.

I feel like saying “if I’m being defensive then maybe that’s because you’re criticising me. Again! And I feel the need to defend myself against the continual onslaught!”

Yesterday I was also “defensive” when he accused me of knocking his plant over with my bottom as I walked past it. He loves to exaggerate. I hadn’t knocked it over at all! I’d brushed past it. It’s in a very heavy bottomed pot and there is no way it actually could be knocked over. I did brush past it but that’s all. He started then making a ruffled complaint all about how I needed to be more careful and I’d knocked over his plant. I replied “I don’t think I’ve knocked it over” (which is a factual statement based on an actual fact. The plant wasn’t knocked over! And in response to being accused of something which hasn’t actually happened). And he says “no need to get defensive!!!”
I replied “I’m not being defensive, I just haven’t knocked over the plant”
He storms off muttering about defensiveness and how most people would just apologise!
As would I. If I had knocked it over.

He looks for things to point out and criticise! My DS and I are constantly having to listen to him accusing us of things he is 100% sure we’ve done/not done. He is often wrong. But he can’t entertain a scenario where he’s wrong. And if we say “no that’s not right. I haven’t done that” he always responds with “there you go being defensive!!! Always the same!”

Yes, because you’re always fucking accusing us of stuff! Half the time you’ve made it up just to have something to criticise! 😡

He slept in a separate room last night and now isn’t speaking to me! All because when he started raising his voice at me and exaggerating my “crime”, I left the room and said I’m not going to be shouted at, goodnight.

But now he’s the wronged party. How is it possible that he is the victim in his head? He always thinks he’s the bloody victim!!!! I’m just going to go to work, go to yoga, forget him and his stupid victim mentality and cold shouldering! Ugh.

@BustyLaRoux mine also insists on me writing all messages and emails. Only a couple of days ago we were on a group chat about a drinks thing and H cpildnt go and I wss writing "DH can't come I'm afraid as he's working late" While he's in the same group. So weird. But just not worth the fight. If I refuse be his secretary then he just won't say anything and won't show and I can't bear how rude it is!

Sorry your H is playing the victim. I hate those mornings where you've had a fight the night before and it's so unbelievablaly frustrating but you should have to crack on with your day. I'm better than I used to be as I used to spend the day trying to communicate with him. These days I just get on with my life and wait for him to forget it all. Sometimes I genuinely don't think he can remember why he's not talking to me!

I’m sorry, In these situations you are only making it worse for yourself. The other person will never respond any differently because they can’t. I got in a massive argument once with my ex because his phone got lost whilst out of his care. I was the last person who had it but I wasn’t the one who lost it. Someone stole it from my bag. He wanted me to apologise for loosing it and I wouldn’t because that would imply in my head my that is was my fault and it wasn’t. He lost it completely. I could have just apologised and saved myself the onslaught. In the end I had to come to the conclusion that I must always back down, always admit fault for the relationship to be harmonious. But I couldn’t because my brain can’t work that way. He isn’t at fault for the way his brain works and neither are you. The madness is expecting the reaction to be any different and repeating continuously.

It’s taken me a long time to be able to remove fault. My ex has another girlfriend for years now and I was like what the hell, how can she put up with it. But she is absolutely ok to put all his needs first. She manages him extremely well. In my eyes she is a doormat but hey ho there relationship is not as volatile as ours was. She for whatever reason is much more able to put her needs last. In backing down she receives a much better version of a man then I did and it works. I could not because of who I am and my own life experiences back down like her. I’m happy with that my needs are important to me.

The hardest part to accept and sorry for waffling on was that he feels justified that I was the problem. Therefore he makes everyone aware that look I’m fine with the new gf so it must have been her. What he doesn’t realise is that she is just not asking anything from him and is focused on his needs being filled.

@BustyLaRoux Hear, hear, I get exactly what you mean about not dropping everything you are doing to listen to H's questions/comments/demands and him erupting when he doesn't get the attention he wants/thinks he's constantly entitled to. Exhausting!

@Rainbow03 Do they have kids though? At the moment she can put his needs first but at some point she'll realise the unfairness of it or find that she no longer is able to or even wants to (peri tends to do that). I suspect I was a bit like that with H at first, with him having moaned so much about his X who sounded so selfish and entitled (my guessis she wasn't!) So I made sure I was so attentive and appeasing as could be. What a fool I was!

@LittleSwede they have one together who is 1 and our shared daughter. I think it’s been what 3 years for them now. She is just better at managing him because she appears (and I don’t know a huge amount) that she has less needs (perhaps a stronger childhood then I) or less needs because she is used to having less needs. My ex is very showy and wanted money and things, I didn’t. She is probably more suited. Or she may be early days and she will get tired of it. Who knows, at the end of the day she is a tool for him and his needs, that’s how he sees people and that’s a fixed fact. I wasn’t happy being a tool because I could no longer suppress my needs despite feeling incredibly sad for him and very understanding. I was part of the problem.

He saw my needs as a threat to him and he attacked the threat not realising I am my needs and feelings. His adhd meant he couldn’t control his feelings and my needs sent him into a downward spiral. My needs were here because of an inadequacy of him. So he didn’t want me having any. Can’t live like that though. As long as she doesn’t trigger that self hate spiral she will be ok!!!!!

I think it’s why the line between ND and narcissism looks blurred. The core of both is self preservation and an avoidance of negative self hating emotions because the tools are not there through genetic or experience to know to healthy regulate. It’s fight flight and it’s beyond cognitive control.

I’m ND and boy do I struggle with rejection and that downward spiral. I’ve got to regulate for my children and there is no one regulating for me, it’s so fucking hard!

@Rainbow03 you've put that into words very well! Agree with the struggles too, I definitely have bad RSD but act inwards rather than lash out or blame others. And keeping regulated when I have a DD who struggles with regulation is hard.

Yep, this is what I did before I left the house. Just chatted away as if nothing had happened. I had a great night’s sleep without him there! I’ve stopped trying to talk about this stuff. If he wants to explode and be a twat then so be it. I will just get on with my day!