Married to someone with Asperger's/ASD: support thread 11

[Daftasabroom]

New thread.

This thread is for those of us seeking to explore the dynamics of long term relationships with our ND partners. It is a support thread, and a safe space, it does get emotional at times. Avoid sweeping generalisations if possible, try and keep it specific to you and your partner.

ND people are more than welcome, some of us are in ND:ND relationships.

I was thinking of chengeing the thread Aspergers/ASD to ND, which I think might be more appropriate and inculsive, but I've left it as it is as I suspect many people find us by searching for Aspergers and/or ASD.

It's complicated and it's emotional.

The old thread is here

Welcome 83 It’s really not you- it’s them, if this is how you’re being made to feel. Human beings aren’t built to have no emotional needs and to need no emotional support. Whether they are NT or ND. So you are not wrong to have your needs and the others in your life are going to have their needs too.

If I can talk in broad brush strokes, I think often we as NT support to our partners and close family who are ND (I am not including any of our kids in this) I think we can waste a lot of time thinking about why the adult ND person/people does this or that, or what can we try to do to hopefully change it. Plus we are literally wearing ourselves out to facilitate all of the ND people’s needs because we think it’s the right thing for us to do and because then that way then we are likely to have a less confrontational time of it.

But of course at some point we will also want and need to have our own needs met, because those needs still exist, however hard they have to be squashed down for a lot of the time. But we will have no energy left to meet them and get them met. Making our isolation worse.

So my take home from these threads has been that we will have to start putting our own oxygen mask on first. Especially if we are looking after ND kids as well. We have to. And how we will do that will looks different for everybody. But we will need to hold something back to keep going. I find challenges to look after myself exhausting like it’s another chore on top of everything else. You can reframe it as holding something back for yourself if that helps you visualise it.

This whole relationship dynamic is a different place than we ever expected to find ourselves in, but there may be some peace to be found in trying to accept that those challenging personality traits (of our partners or close adult family members) are fairly fixed. And then thinking very carefully about where that acceptance leaves us.

@ThischarmingHam I know I can’t change it and it’s kind of harmful and manipulation if I tried to change him or them for my own personal needs. But I have needs none the less and the more I ignore them or justify them they seem to get worse. I’m absolutely totally fed up of never bloody fitting in. The
mere mention of a need of mine and they abandon me.

Dear 83: imagine you live in a house surrounded by water and you have to take a bridge every day to get out to work. You want—and deserve—to have a strong sturdy bridge! But the bridge you’ve got is slippery when wet. In the dark its treacherous and frequently closes for repairs. Whenever you need it to go to the hospital it shuts down and you can’t use it at all!

You aren’t responsible for the bridge’s fragility. It was badly built and can’t cope with ordinary traffic.

But you need to live. You can’t stay home all the time, or devote your life to bridge repair.

Start building new, solid bridges to work, social life, new friends. Spend your time and energy on reciprocal and enriching relationships.

@pikkumyy77 Ive got some friends but they aren’t the same as family. Family are supposed to support and love you not abandon and laugh at you because they think you are silly and “needy”. I get myself in a mess because half the time I think perhaps they are right. But then the other half the time I think that’s trauma talking and they are all wrong. I met a lovely man or so I thought, and he is sweet but I know him and his mum talk about me. For example I saved up for the sofa I’ve always wanted. It ended up having 70% off so I was in there. It’s not the most practical or comfortable lol but I just loved it. They laughed at me saying I was trying to show off. I really wasn’t. Just because it’s not “practical” and that’s how they live life doesn’t mean that others have different thoughts. It’s the one thing I struggle with, the arrogance that they are the ones who think right and I am wrong. It’s perfectly ok to think differently but still love each other. I would never laugh at someone’s choice especially having understood their motives and they be good.

Meeting new people and creating new family isn’t easy but its easier than improving the old family. You are on a fact finding/data collection journey with this new man and his mother. Now you know they are judgmental, rude, twats who make you feel bad. So dump him and keep looking.

I flip flop between I am the problem because I’m too emotional and I just shouldn’t have needs and I’m asking too much to they are the problem and they just have no idea how to be human beings with emotions.

My take on it is tyat

Youre not too emotional and you’re not the problem. You have needs that aren’t met which is pretty different from asking too much.

No they have no idea how to relate to you. But they are not the problem. They are people who are ND.

It’s not a question of who is right and who is wrong. Or who is at fault.
You are people with very different needs that cannot fill the other person needs. It’s an issue with incompatibility. Not an issue with one person ‘doing things wrong’.

They laughed at me saying I was trying to show off. I really wasn’t. Just because it’s not “practical” and that’s how they live life doesn’t mean that others have different thoughts. It’s the one thing I struggle with, the arrogance that they are the ones who think right and I am wrong.

Yep black and white thinking. No grey.

You cannot and will be able to change that.

Which means you either have to accept it (so basically you live your life according to their ´rules’) or you accept you’ll be judged (and you need a very thick skin to not care about it).

Otherwise, the only other possibility that is to accept the incompatibility and leave.

Anything else is sure to destroy YOU, who you are, your self esteem, your dreams etc…

This thread is a lifesaver. Thank you so much to everyone who has posted - both ND and NT. I’m struggling for time so haven’t thanked people directly who have responded to my posts. But thank you!

Another sad weekend here ...

No affection, no smiling, no banter, no conversation, no happy company, no connection ...

A blazing row ensued between DH and DD late last night because she asked what time she could have her new boyfriend in her room with the door open etc when he comes round tonight. (we’ve had this rule in place for a couple of years).

DH blew his stack and said he’s absolutely not allowed in her room at all -and when she questioned it (as of course she would), he was so furious that she had questioned him he went on to say no friends at all are allowed in her room. Ever.

I then stepped in and said I thought the teens need to be able to have friends in their space and suggested we let them stay in her room until we go to bed and then they all go downstairs if it’s disturbing - but he was talking loudly over everyone, wouldn’t let anyone get a word in and accused us of fighting with him. It was really awful and poor DD was in tears going to bed because of how the ‘discussion’ had gone. Even though we ended up with a favourable outcome - she just felt so bullied and dehumanised.

Apparently he apologised to her this morning and said to not involve him with questions like that again as they make me fight with him. 😳

Then today I discreetly (or so I thought) washed the syringe that’s used for DS’ twice daily meds - with soap (it’s given with food, so there’s always bol, chicken wings, pasta sauce etc on the outside of it).

DH usually gives him his meds and just rinses it off with water. I go in afterwards when he isn’t looking and rewash it properly. But today he saw me do it, questioned me and was visibly annoyed when I said why I’d done so. I wasn’t asking (or telling) him to use soap. I just did it quietly myself. But he doesn’t like to be ‘corrected’ as he puts it. And yet he corrects everyone all the time. If ever I go to give him his meds he snatches it from me and insists he does it.

I tried to talk to him about something at work that’s bothering me that I need to work through and I got one word answers and again he was just annoyed and not listening properly. I tried 3 times and just gave up in the end.

I just want to have a lovely happy, easy conversations and be held from time to time!

@SpecialMangeTout I think you’re so right.

Great post @ThischarmingHam bookmarking that for later.

@SpecialMangeToutI can’t live a life by their rules because I’m ruled by my emotions, I can’t turn them off. I feel hurt by their actions and their total “disregard” for my feelings. Some of the things his mum has said have been really not nice. I can view it through the eyes of her being ND and make allowances but those words regardless have had an impact on me. It’s really hard. Since the baby came along it’s all gotten so much worse as none of them care how hard it’s been with zero support. I had a lot of blood transfusions and I’ve never been right since. They’ve no idea how to offer a supportive word let alone hand. I feel totally invisible and let down. It’s been a common theme in my life.

You can’t get blood from a stone. You will feel very liberated when you stop trying.

I’ve woken up today feeling a failure. I’ve switched off to it all. I feel so bad but have to remind myself exactly that, you can’t get blood from a stone. I’ve stopped ‘jollying things along’. It’s false and exhausting.

@ANiceLittleHouseByTheSea it just sucks the joy out of life and becomes grey. A lot like a stone @pikkumyy77. For me obviously others will have a different opinion if they are more compatible. I’m a little hippy at heart and like art and colours and things completely non “useful”. I did a masters degree in textile design. Over the decades it’s all become greyed over. I hate being made fun of because the things I like are nonsense to another. It has eroded my self worth. It’s never been intentional but it has done this to me.

For those who have called it quits. How did/does your autistic husband cope with living alone? Do your kids still see him?

I just posted about this sort of thing and I am glad I found this thread. Thanks. At least I don't feel soooooo alone now...

I was hesitant to post this but then I realized others may have had the same thing happen. This is a sampling and the more I think about it, the more I do not think it is ASD, it is just downright not OK: 1) telling me I cant leave or I will damage the relationship with my daughters, 2) telling me he will take all of my money 3) telling me that if he (and our kids) think I am the problem, then I must be the problem 4) Telling me I am mentally ill and my children will be taken away, 5) Telling me I owe it to him to give him just one more chance 6) telling me he will pack all of my belongings and throw them in the front yard 7) Telling me our children hate me 8) telling me our children told the entire sports team & organization we volunteer with about our split 9) telling me our children have been tracking my location and know who I am with, 10) Telling me my car has a catastrophic mechanical failure. These are just a few . As it turns out though, NONE of the above are true. As I wrote this out, I saw a theme emerge: He knows our children are my world and has tried to use them to scare me into reconciling. This is why at this point I do feel afraid of him, he thus far has stopped at nothing to make me feel worthless for leaving him. I know I am not and I know this would escalate which is another reason why I left.

and it has affected me as my daughter is pda autistic and I feel like I have become a shell of myself and the only neurotypical in the house (unless my 3 year old is ... yet to tell that one fully)

similar story with my in laws.. its been awful. Don't feel part of any kind of in law family at all. Totally feel rejected and not really cared about.

and my dad resents that I ever married him.. and tells me so...

@Fortheloveof83 you are enough & You are not the problem. My heart goes out to you.
@ANiceLittleHouseByTheSea Barely, sheets on the bed have not been changed in (cringe) 6+ months, house now has dead cock roaches inside, grime in the kitchen sink, crusty stovetop, mildew in the shower base and tile, dog hair everywhere, rubbish like papers, envelopes, wrappers just kind of strewn about not in the trash bin. It is bad, but I am still not ready to approach him about it. Before I left he promised he would get better at all of this- recognizing when things needed cleaning up and such- now I know that was another broken promise as it lasted maybe 4 weeks and then went back to the same old issue. And yes, kids see him. They are also recognizing the problem, but not sure how to approach it. I do need to say something to him, but need to feel safe about it first.

Thank you for replying @nl55. I guess that’s part of it. Removing the mask and letting the kids see it as well. Especially as we have masked for so many years.

I feel distraught tonight. Cannot stop crying! My son is ASD and struggling so much at school. I tried to talk to DH and DH just sat staring through me. I started to cry and DH said "we just need to teach DS how to interact and engage with people" while sitting as far from me as possible while I cry, no comfort, nothing. He just left the room. Oh the fucking irony!

I followed him and asked for a hug. Which he did. And then he said "I feel worried too about DS so I'd rather you didn't talk about your worries as it stresses me out. Think of me and be positive please"

I tried to explain this was unfair but he started to get very very angry and I don't have the energy

I have to face living with someone who will never offer me comfort or support, OR I leave and destroy my DS's stability and possibly put him in real danger of neglect.

Its beyond hard. Its honestly feel likes my life is over. I'm 38 and I feel so miserable about what my future holds. I can't stand it. There is nothing I can do.

@MassiveMugOfTea sending love and strength. Your situation sounds very hard. You just want to have a partner you can cry with and discuss things with. He doesn’t comfort you (unless asked) and says the discussion is too much for him. Your needs are not being met. Is there any point is trying to reason with him? Or find a compromise? Perhaps he would be OK to discuss your DS in a calm way like trying to problem solve and make a plan with actions? I find my DP always wants to solutionise. Whereas I might just want to vent or cry and air my crappy feelings. Perhaps he could deal with it better if you were approaching it in the “right, this needs some attention. Who can we speak to? What actions can we take to try and make the situation better for our DS?” Rather than the tears and upset. Which he just finds overwhelming and doesn’t know what to do!

I realise that doesn’t give you the emotional support you’re after. It’s perhaps a different way to approach a conversation about your DS. It’s not reasonable for him to refuse to discuss your DS and his issues at all, maybe if the conversation was framed in a different way which he would find more palatable you could at least get him to engage in the conversation.

I’m not saying your DH is right by the way. I think it’s a shit situation too. If leaving isn’t possible now then I guess it’s find a way to make it a bit better, if you can. Xx

My partner calls my oldest daughter stupid and she gets upset. On the surface her behaviours look silly but I don’t think they come from stupidity. She is constantly distracted and does nothing you ask of her. I’ve asked her to be assessed.