Married to someone with Asperger's/ASD: support thread 11

[Daftasabroom]

New thread.

This thread is for those of us seeking to explore the dynamics of long term relationships with our ND partners. It is a support thread, and a safe space, it does get emotional at times. Avoid sweeping generalisations if possible, try and keep it specific to you and your partner.

ND people are more than welcome, some of us are in ND:ND relationships.

I was thinking of chengeing the thread Aspergers/ASD to ND, which I think might be more appropriate and inculsive, but I've left it as it is as I suspect many people find us by searching for Aspergers and/or ASD.

It's complicated and it's emotional.

The old thread is here

My husband can have insightful moments and once when I asked whether he'd like to chat he said no we're married now and I think I know everything about you, so can enjoy each other's company.

When you look at it like that, why would he bother?

Yes to masking here but also less demands which needed masking to cope with anyway.

Interesting discussion of love languages. My husband can only give in the way he wishes to receive, which isn't the way I understand it should work. My thoughts are that we ask our partner to speak our language, and then we speak theirs.

@Flittingaboutagain the love language DH speaks to me involves pointing oit, in painstaking detail, all the ways anything I’m doing could be be improved on. If I try to speak this language back to him though… 💣

@Mistresstotheworkwife He presented himself as kind, steady, witty, enjoying life. I assumed that he had what you might call 'normal' reactions - just didn't see the weird way of reacting, such as when I had a fever of 40.3 or so when I was pregnant and sliding into sepsis - he doesn't like hospitals so he didn't want to take me. You assume that when someone is really ill, their partner will realise they need urgent help. It's unexpected when you realise that because of their personal preference not to go to hospital, they'll not take you. That's a very dramatic example but there were a thousand small odd reactions as well, which I just didn't, couldn't have, expected. They were out of my experience, though I'd dated a few people over the years and had a couple of relationships.

Secondly he changed as soon as I was there and due to circumstances trapped. He played a role.

@DucklingSwimmingInstructress my DH also did the I won’t take you to hospital / visit you in hospital because you know I don’t like hospitals thing. It’s so unexpected and hard to understand when overall things between you are relatively good. Just this blank, oh well, I guess you may just have to die alone, soz. You know how it is with me and hospitals. 🤷‍♂️

This is another reason why I couldn’t trust him with shared custody of DC. He would do anything not to have to engage with medical help, however urgent the crisis. He can’t really recognise a crisis.

Terrifying when you think about the risks of being self focused at all costs, on children.

It’s the selfishness that got to me in the end. All the perceived threat made me question whether I was a good or bad person. I questioned my reality as it became so warped. It is difficult because they are the main human you deal with and the made point of view and it’s hard to keep that sense of right and wrong and boundaries and morals. Your sense or self erodes away. You start to believe them that you are too sensitive when in fact hold up it’s you not me. It’s so difficult to remain true to yourself because in doing so it opens a huge can of worms. Why do they get away with stuff that you wouldn’t accept from another. Why do I have to lower my expectations and accept being treated as less. I have to say I think its impossible to achieve without damage to oneself and becoming small. My partner is ND but I think there maybe a point where they are too extreme and it’s not workable and not fair to be dating another. This is the same as other mental health issues.

So a few weeks ago my teenage son heard me saying to my DH that I thought he maybe had Aspergers. And they must have been discussing it because tonight my DH started joking that whenever "Mum doesn't get her own way she says I've got Aspergers, I don't, I have no social issues whatsoever". So fine, that makes him a thoughtless, difficult arse then.

@Smm745 I often wonder if their parents maybe took the mick and they now traumatised by the thought of being ND. So they use it now as a stick to hit you with and a way of deflecting the shame. There should be no shame in it.

Well that's it isn't it? If there is no ND in the mix and it's all personality and coping styles, it should be changeable with motivation.

I completely agree there is no shame. I suffer with anxiety and am very sensitive - I have no shame in admitting that. I said that to him and my son; that is who I am, no problem, and I try to manage both things. If he were on the spectrum, that is not a big deal (and sorry if my terminology is outdated). But knowing as much would sure help my sanity!

@Smm745 i could not discuss it with my ex. He was not ND no way. His father would have disowned him he said. I’m sure there are lots of reasons people don’t want to seek help. I’m ND and I wanted to seek help to work out why I messed up all my relationships because I wanted to be happier. Maybe it’s a man thing?

@Bunnyhair @DucklingSwimmingInstructress and anyone else who’s posted about this issue of illness. I have several experiences of this, but
15 years or so ago I broke my ankle while walking the dog with H. I knew I’d broken it, I heard the crunch🤢. He tried to insist I could walk the 20 minutes back home, I told him to go home and get the car, he left me with the dog (a hefty Labrador who wanted to walk) sitting on someone’s front garden wall. He came back with the car and I had to explain to him how to get the dog into the car and how to help me into the car. There was much tutting from him. We got home, he got the dog out of the car, took her inside, and shut the front door, leaving me in the car. My 18 year old son was home from uni and helped me in.
H decided it was all too stressful so started drinking, therefore being unable to take me to hospital.
I managed to get upstairs to bed and had a dreadful, painful night. In the morning I told H that he had to take me to hospital, again he insisted there was nothing wrong with me, I had to tell him he had to take me or I’d ask a neighbour or ring an ambulance and he’d look stupid. I managed limp about to pack myself a bag, he took me but left me at the door of A&E because “he doesn’t like hospitals”
I can honestly say that if he’s ever in hospital again, he’s on his own!
And yet, I’m expected to be interested and engaged in all of his many health issues, I’ve ferried him to many appointments (the last one at 7am over an hours drive away) with no complaints from me, and no thanks from him.
it’s relentless, heartbreaking stuff this. Unmumsnetty hugs to all of us.

Gosh thats awful @Bluebellforest1

my dh also just refuses to engage with anything he doesnt want to engage with. He justifies this in an “i’m so cool, i don’t like to conform” type way but often its just negligence.

Thanks @bunhead1979
it is pretty awful, yes similar here, H doesn’t engage in anything he doesn’t want to, which leaves me to deal with all the crap he refuses to engage with!

I completely agree with this. It erodes your sense of self.

Also, the first six months he lovebombed me. Then he slowly withdrew.

What’s painful is that if I’d known he’d be like this permanently I’d never have stayed but it’s like a chameleon that slowly changes over time from being a friend to a foe and makes you question over and over again where did my boundaries go? I didn’t agree to put up with this shit. How did it happen? How did the gaslighting start around being too emotional, too needy. How did that happen? It’s so subtle so gradual the way they take away their love and slowly dismantle you.

My sister in law is married to a carbon copy of DH (his brother). They’re getting divorced. For the first time today we chatted alone on the phone. They live abroad. She’s met someone else. She said BlueTick, I don’t know why I’ve put up with half a life for so long. What was I thinking.

It really gave me some hope. They’re getting divorced which means I can too!!!

But of course I’m scared but it’s so great to see someone so close, leading the way. I had a spring in my step all evening 😊

I'd like to jump in here. H is still in bed, which gives me a bit of space. For someone who lives on the Internet, he seems to feel abandoned when I do - and especially if I start typing. From what he says, being talked about 'outside' of the marriage is his biggest anxiety ( my going to see a counsellor when he had an emotional affair was the only thing that pulled him up short. What ! Talking to an outsider ! Unacceptable. ..but I digress).

Ps I have read through all 11 threads. This support group is wonderful. I will write an introductory post when I can.

To the issue of what attracted me to (60 year old, undiagnosed H. I'm 69. Been together 25 years).
I've always realised that I'm a rescuer. Bought up to be. He acknowledges that. He was in the throws of mourning a loong unreciprocated and unrequited love (relationship/friendship?). I think she basically used him for support and money. Now she ignores him. When we met he talked, and talked, about her. Silly me, I thought this meant he could communicate emotionally , and thought that if we got past that he'd transfer that same focus onto me.
Reading through these threads I've seen posters saying that they think a big attractant is the meeting up of 2 people who need something from each other. I've now accepted that I also needed rescuing. I had an ex who I'd tried to make a friend out of, and was in fact still lurking and hoping. H seemed more stable than my usual love interests, and his family also seemed functional. Something I don't have.

So...I fell head over heels. Lost my objectivity and chased him. He didn't chase me , apart from sexually , once he realised it was available. No love bombing, probably little overt masking really. A 'nice' nerdy background person, looked after by his friends and family. Bimbling along towards early retirement (he can, and has). He IS his father now.
No change there then.

I've lost myself, along the way. Now getting depressed and very lonely. Don't know what to do.

Hi. Just found this . I havent read much about the family background of NT, and ND partners. Makes you want to weep, or give up. This is me.
I have a damaged totally self absorbed mother ( dead but possibly ND father). She ruled the roost. Multiple siblings, most of whom are a mess. My youngest Sis acknowledges that her family unit are no doubt all ND, which has helped her to stay more focused.
I was the eldest, most resented and therefore abused. Became the Invisible Child, which ironically helped me in the long term to remain detached. But also a Nice Girl, organiser etc. Aaaaall the reading !
I now think that a few are ND, as was my first husband, my late FIL....on and on. My MIL is the most unpleasant person I've ever met. Blood relatives are 'it'. I'm now ( after 25 of me trying to win her over. Aghh.) refusing to see her but once a year. Which seems a bit counterproductive for her, as H can't be bothered to organise visits ?

.https://asdmarriage.com/2022/05/15/the-extended-family-system-of-a-neurodiverse-marriage/

YES!

Yes, you have put into words something I feel so strongly. The aftereffects of having my 'reality' eroded are lasting years :/

@DucklingSwimmingInstructress I left in 2019 and I still struggle. I still have to tell myself I am a good person but I don’t always have to be a nice person or a doormat or take to heart other people’s opinions of me.

@KeeponReading i agree with this article. There are reasons why we stay in a marriage/relationship that aren’t fulfilling….
For me, it’s generational trauma. And learning from a young age my needs were always second vs someone else.

And yes it also means that my parents were never supportive - how could my mum support me in doing what she has never done for herself?

@KeeponReading that article is a bit too on the nose.
Father I never met, alcoholic step father and I don’t know what’s exactly is wrong with my mother but there is definitely something.

@Rainbow03 the relationship with my ex had a massive effect on me. For a long time I was fine, didn’t think about it and living my life. Then he took me to court for increased contact with DC and all of a sudden all those emotions and memories I had been repressing came flooding out and I realised that no I was not fine after it.

KeepOnReading Oufff. That article.

Yikes that’s familiar 😟

I’m spending another Sunday contemplating an announcement of another list of things I have ‘done’ (not done) wrong the wrong way the wrong time the old way not the new way my way not his highway. The only person I can discuss this with or put another perspective to is me myself and I because he as usual was only on transmit and can hear nothing NOTHING

another Sunday disappointed

Hi guys. I’ve come across this thread as I’m really struggling. My partner is ND and so does it seem is his mum and my mum also is. I’m surrounded by it and I’m drowning. I flip flop between I am the problem because I’m too emotional and I just shouldn’t have needs and I’m asking too much to they are the problem and they just have no idea how to be human beings with emotions. I’m either numb or loosing my shit. One minute I think that people are supposed to respond to needs (by people I mean family really) then on the other hand I’m asking too much and should just live without any needs. I can’t cope with these opposing thoughts anymore.