Married to someone with Asperger's/ASD: support thread 11

[Daftasabroom]

New thread.

This thread is for those of us seeking to explore the dynamics of long term relationships with our ND partners. It is a support thread, and a safe space, it does get emotional at times. Avoid sweeping generalisations if possible, try and keep it specific to you and your partner.

ND people are more than welcome, some of us are in ND:ND relationships.

I was thinking of chengeing the thread Aspergers/ASD to ND, which I think might be more appropriate and inculsive, but I've left it as it is as I suspect many people find us by searching for Aspergers and/or ASD.

It's complicated and it's emotional.

The old thread is here

I know. I dream of a lottery win. My main worry is the upset this will cause and money worries. The upset will be difficult but will come to an end. The money worries will mean I am poor forever. I grew up fairly poor. Well that’s to say my Dad earned fairly well and we had a nice home and food to eat but he watched every penny (unnecessarily as it turns out as he just squirrelled it all away!). Everything we had was second hand. That’s fine nowadays. “Preloved” is desirable even. But back in the 80s it was considered a bit shameful to be buying clothes and toys from charity shops. We rarely ate out. And when we did it was in a Bernie Inn and he made a big fuss about it and would only let us eat from the cheap deal menu which he would loudly announce to the whole restaurant! He was always telling us he was going to be made redundant. I really worried about money and being homeless as a child and I am so so loathe to put any of those worries on my children who right now live a very comfortable life. I know what I need to do really, I’m just very reticent because despite it being an improvement in many ways I know it will come at a high price.

I just want to say how this space has been a God send for me. I know I waffle on a bit sometimes. Or dish out advice rhat people haven’t asked for (a bad trait of mine I’m trying to learn to do better with). But you lot are wonderful. Like we all champion each other. I don’t think other people understand in the same way. It seems so obvious that I should walk away. Just do it. Obviously. Why wouldn’t I!! But it isn’t black and white. I came from a bad marriage straight into this relationship. He was my saviour. And I have never loved anyone like that before. It’s not easy. Coming here and having people metaphorically hold my hand and make no judgement feels like such a safe space. I wish we could all meet up and have a group hug sometimes!!! Thank you all so much x

@BustyLaRoux you can see your father’s worries for what they were, though - paranoia and a sort of pathological stinginess. This is such a great insight you are able to have. If he’d not cast this awful anxious pall over things all the time, you might not have grown up with quite the same intense fear of lack.

My DF was the same - constantly telling us we were on the brink of financial disaster, and we 100% were not, at all. But it kept my mother too anxious and guilty to leave. (And to be fair he would have made her life and ours an absolute living hell legally and financially had she split when we were children)

What is your money situation objectively, if you take that intergenerational fear out of it? Is it doable? Are you able to work? How much longer are DC at home? What do you imagine your DP’s response would be - would he be vindictive?

I really worried about money and being homeless as a child and I am so so loathe to put any of those worries on my children who right now live a very comfortable life.

Your father put this on you, from his own hangup and fear.

But you are in a different situation mentally. If you separate and are poor, you will handle it in a different way. Being poor is absolutely shit (been there) but you really won't pass it on to your children.

Having separated from my ex-H, both children are infinitely more relaxed and happy when they're here. Safer, emotionally. They love their father, but a more relaxed mum makes for a far better life-experience for them.

This sounds like I'm pushing you and that's not what I intend. It's so very, very hard to separate- partly I think because changing the status quo is so difficult to face. Just wanting to put the other side, because there is light there. Possibly only when you have the money for the meter, but at least there is SO MUCH MUCH less stress.

I messaged a few weeks ago ago about struggling with my husband. And we’ve just had a row again about a patio door being open! We have a new extension with big glass doors and obvs a new floor and today it is gorgeous and bright so I flung the doors open. My husband came in and said ‘do you think it’s a good idea to open the doors in the midday sun because the floor will get bleached’. I put down my relaxing cup of tea 🤪 and said, it’s a gorgeous day so why not. Surely we got doors so we can open them? Then I said, surely you’re not trying to control when I can and can’t open the doors are you? Then the conversation went to shit. I’m apparently aggressive, belligerent, impossible, awkward etc etc. so yet again our marital harmony is less important than things being done the way he wants in the house. I’ve rushed explaining this a bit but basically we fall out all the time because I don’t agree to doing things a certain way or the way I spoke to him was too animated. Another day now feeling stressed and like I just want to walk.

Just sending a massive big hug to everyone here, you are all amazing and so supportive ❤️

@BustyLaRoux after my mum left my dad we were technically in poverty for years but somehow she never made me feel bad or made me feel part of the worries. I never asked for expensive things, never felt resentment over that and was very happy with what we had. Although she never let on I knew my dad was not easy to live with and I much preferred the peace we had in the 'social housing' type flat she and I moved to, to the middle class type of house and estate we lived in with my dad. I'm sure my DM's fibromyalgia is due to her years of living with my dad, she's never had another relationship since and seems content with her single life in Stockholm. I try to remind myself of this when I feel guilt and worries about the future. If she could do it then so can I, and you, if that is what is right for you x

I might have Covid (very faint line, tested as feeling rough) and as DD has been a bit off colour for a few days she maybe has it too. Hopefully we didn't infect all of Ikea yesterday! H had a massive temper tantrum earlier when he injured himself (massive splinter in finger) in the loft, queue swearing and ranting over the 'f*ing shit hole' we live in (nice). I tried to help him remove splinter and asked him to stop swearing if he wanted my help. He did stop and later apologised. This only helped me keep my resolve, although today might not be the day it will be soon. It's tempting to just throw him out (as if I could!) But probably better to try and do it nicely and calmly, for DDs sake and future co-parenting relations.

These threads are so on topic for me. DH hygiene has also been slipping. After some direct comments I just told him yesterday he cannot get away with not showering for a couple of days and not using deodorant. He was very hurt and has barely spoken to me today. I realise this is a shutdown but it still feels from my perspective as punishment. If this causes the end of my marriage then so be it, I need to have some basics in my life personally.

This is what my poor mum had to put up with. Everything HAD to be done the way my dad said. She wasn’t allowed to do this or that because in his eyes his decision on how things should be done was the logical one.

They’re your door too! The sun is shining and it’s nice to have them open. He is being completely unreasonable.

Essentially it might be that the floor will be bleached (although I’m not sure it won’t be bleached through the glass anyway) but people like this can’t see that the need for marital harmony and not be a controlling asshat is actually more important than being right and applying logic.

Some things are more important than being right. Like being kind. I think a lot of partners on here (and parents!) have never understood that.

Your time will come @LittleSwede ☺️

Good for you! Well done for standing up for yourself. I know it’s not easy.

Re the personal hygiene, H is showering less and less frequently, it’s now about twice a week. It doesn’t matter if he’s been working in the garden, or taking rubbish to the tip. Last week I bought him new bedding and changed his bed, he didn’t shower before getting into it. He smells, not dreadful but he smells. I’ve mentioned it, trying to be lighthearted, but he takes no notice. A few months ago I noticed a smell coming from his wardrobe, it was his coat which was 10 years old and had never been washed! It was washed that day, it apparently had never occurred to him.

And re living together apart, as I said upthread, we moved house, entirely at my instigation (because I told him very clearly that if he refused to move I would leave him), nearer to my sons just over 2 weeks ago. But we’ve also upsized, in our last 2.5 bedroom house I mostly slept in the spare room, but had to share with him when we had guests, I didn’t sleep well on those occasions. We now have 4 bedrooms, 1 each, a spare room and a craft room for me that can also be a spare, and also a bathroom each, it’s bliss. My bedroom upstairs is a small double, but perfect for me, I’ve bought new bedding, have a fitted wardrobe and a dressing table. My daughter in law was a bit shocked when I showed he my bedroom, but she mostly has him sussed .

He has the biggest bedroom downstairs, but that’s fine, he’s filled his wardrobes with boxes of books that there is no room in the house for.

my next plan is to get him doing his own laundry! Love and strength to us all.

Seconding the massive hug to all! I could not have gotten through the last almost year without this group. For those who feel they are losing themselves to this arrangement, please do what you must to not-and many of you it sounds like you are from separate sleeping arrangements to making sure you are taking time for yourself and your DCs. The loneliness can be crushing at times which is why this group has been so incredibly transformative for me. RE the hygeine- This rings so true, it is almost as if he is nose blind and perhaps blind to other common hygienic issues. I moved out in Sept 2023 and that appears to be the last time the sheets were changed in the master bed. Dirty towels are piled in the master bath as well. It is rank. My small, but tidy home just down the street is clean, bright and smells fresh! It is such a relief to have my own space. For those who don't, my heart goes out to you. Sending love to all and hope you can enjoy some nice spring fresh air.

This group is such a help as a place to offload. I (we on here) spend so much time in my head trying to tell myself I’m not mad that it’s such a relief to be able to offload about things that seem small on the face of it, but in reality are part of a bigger, exhausting picture

I’m in the south west (U.K.) if ever anyone wants a cuppa! X

I have issues with washing too but that’s because of my ME (a shower sends me into a crash so it can’t happen that often).
However, I use baby wipes instead on all ‘critical’ areas and it does do the trick.

Is it something your dh could cope with?

I’ve suggested it, but as he’s convinced he is clean and doesn’t smell he doesn’t see the point.

Can I have a rant?

Every time we leave a restaurant or somewhere, DH will just get up and go outside, with no thought for leaving together. He’s done this for years. Likewise if we go to the toilet before leaving somewhere – he’ll be outside the restaurant waiting.

After a weekend of essentially being ignored, today at my suggestion we went for a walk and ended up at a restaurant garden for an afternoon beer and juice with DS in the sun – except there was no conversation from DH unless I asked him a question and no eye contact. He was just unfriendly – as he’s been all weekend.

When it was time to go, we all decided to go to the toilet first, which was on that level. He took DS in with him and I went into the ladies.

I came out, no sign of them so I went upstairs to the exit and waited outside just by the door and messaged to say where I was. He came out about 5-10 mins later and essentially told me off for not waiting downstairs by the toilet and just walked off muttering and having a dig at me. I explained I’d waited outside as that’s where he usually waits and he started having another dig at me. He made me feel like a 12 year old child that had just been told off for waiting in the wrong place!

After yet another a weekend of no eye contact, no friendly conversation and no connection, I decided I wasn’t prepared to play happy families and I just wanted to leave him to it.

I’m always covering for him with the kids and I had enough today. I kissed DS goodbye and said I was off home and DH said ‘it’s because she doesn’t want to be with us’. I told him I didn’t appreciate being told off like a child for waiting where I was.

Absolutely no apology or, giving him the benefit of the doubt, no explanation if I had misunderstood. I find him so unfriendly and so unpleasant.

:(

Ugh, DP is back. He asked me how my few days without them were. I replied in a jokey way that they were calm and tidy and clean. Cue: passive aggressive comment about he’s waiting for me to go away so he can have the same! This is the distorted narrative thing. He likes to pretend he is tidy and organised and that I am messy. He knows I pride myself on being a tidy person. So he seems to enjoy trying to disabuse me of this by repeatedly pointing out any item I haven’t tidied yet as if this is his evidence I’m messier than him. He tells me I’m a messy cook for example. The evidence clearly shows that isn’t ever the case. But for some reason he has convinced himself that he’s tidy and I’m messy. I have no idea why! He’s made it a competition. But it’s ridiculous.

So yes we have a comment all about he’s waiting for me to go away so he can have some peace and tidiness. I resist the urge to say that I cannot fathom why he thinks the house would be tidier if I wasn’t here! He doesn’t make the beds. He leaves shit piled up round the sink. He never cleans the hob or the worktops or the sink or wipes down the dining table. He will make a recycling mountain rather than take it out. The food bin is usually overflowing. He doesn’t do any of the clothes washing or folding. I do all of that. He never fluffs a cushion. He never ever makes his children tidy their rooms. How can he possibly believe the house would be tidier without me here to do all this stuff??!

Anyway I let that one go. Then he makes another passive aggressive comment about how it would be nice if I took my kids away so he didn’t have to all the time. As we try and keep them a bit separate in the holidays. It is true that he tends to be the one to go away. But my family all live close by. His lives 60 miles away and the truth is that he likes to go down midweek so he can work and palm the kids off on his relatives. My job is more flexible and I can work a bit but also do stuff with the kids in the holidays. He can’t really. So he uses his relatives as childcare. That’s the main reason he goes down there. But again he’s in critical mode so he will invent a new reality whereby the reason he goes is because of me and my kids and nothing to do with him getting free childcare.

Then we have to have him going on about how exhausting it’s all been for him. And how he hasn’t stopped having to be perfect dad. Again I resist the urge to say “I thought you worked all day Friday and your relatives had the kids? And I thought your daughter got taken out again yesterday by the same relatives while you and your son went with another relative to do YOUR special interest?” But again we are having a new reality invented where he’s non stopped parented and hasn’t worked or done his special interest. This is to try and passively aggressively criticise me for “making” him have to go away to get away from me and my kids.

It’s all bullshit. He wouldn’t have a tidy calm
house. There would be shit everywhere and the kitchen would be awful. He hasn’t gone down there to get away from us. He’s done it for the free childcare. He hasn’t had an exhausting weekend. His relatives have picked up the slack and he’s had a jolly time doing his thing. I just don’t know how he can believe these things. He wants to try and get at me and make a point I suppose. An imaginary point. Because he loves nothing more than finding ways to criticise. Even if he has to make them up!!!! 😕

My lovely peaceful week has come to an end. They’re in the kitchen cooking. Him and his son. I know already I will be in there later on clearing up after them…… sigh.

I have reached a breaking point. We had a huge argument, I cried a lot (sorry, I meant I was "being unreasonably hysterical"), and he's now icing me out. Dropped a bombshell on me and is now just refusing to communicate. He's sitting opposite me and just won't say a word. I feel sick with anxiety. I just don't think this is a fair way of treating your partner. And I don't understand where we went wrong because even just two years ago we were so happy, a team. Now we just interpret everything the other one does as having the worst possible intention. I keep thinking about just packing my bags and running away but honestly, what I actually want is a time machine to go back to when things were good.

Arrrrggg….

Im sorry. This is crap.

@CinnamonTart 🫂🫂🫂
I get the ‘no eye contact, not participating at all in the conversation’. It’s hard.
I dont really have any advice on that. I tend to just ignore his behaviour. What else can you do? 🤷‍♀️🤷‍♀️

@earlycats do you want to talk about the bombshell your dh just dropped?

Gosh I hear you. The silent treatment is awful. Try to remember you haven’t done anything wrong. You don’t need to make it up to him. Can you find a distraction? Something so you can leave the room at least. It’s probably a bit late for a walk. Can you make a cup of tea and go and concentrate on anything else? A book, a puzzle, wordle…. There is nothing to be gained by sitting in the same room looking at his miserable angry face. I went through the same as you three years ago. The man I fell in love with had gone. He is there some of the time but a lot of the time I have instead mr angry, mr competitive, mr guess my mood, mr critical, mr unpredictable….. it broke my heart. I paid for counselling. I tried to change myself. But you know what? In the end I realised it’s not me. It’s him. You don’t need to make any big decisions now. But don’t sit there looking at his angry face. Sending strength and love xxx

Sending a hug to all who need it 💐