Trusting my partner on social medial

[Howdon]

Hi all,

I just wanted to some opinions on how you would cope in my situation.

I am mid 20s and have deleted all my social media accounts a few years back. I am in a new relationship with a man who is 29 years old, we don't live together, but we see eachother regularly.

He uses social media, and has accounts on Facebook, insta, snap etc. Whilst I don't have an issue with his use of social media, I am slightly concerned that I've never seen his accounts or who he follows/ things he posts.

I have asked my partner of his usage on these apps I.e. if he could remove the girls he's had a past with etc, he has said he has done that.

What I find concerning, is that my sister has snapchat and has him has a contact and noticed he has 2 snapchat accounts. (One linked to his old number, and one linked to his new number). Am I crazy to think this is a bit odd?

I am also aware that he doesn't post things about us, and the things we do, as I have asked him about this before. I wonder if because I'm not on social media, that it's easy to pocket our relationship?

The reason I say this is because, my last boyfriend before me would post things of us and things we did together despite me not being on social media.

Just wanted some thoughts on this!

Thanks

I think SM is a huge cause of breakups. My DP is barely on it. He never posts or likes anything and TBH I don't delve into it because it's boring and I trust him!

He is not your old boyfriend. Has he given you any reason not to trust him?

I couldn't be with someone who monitored my accounts or told me what I can and can't do,

You sound quite mad. You’ve chosen, for whatever reason, to stop using SM. He gets to make his own choices about it, and how he uses SM. You don’t get to police him being FB friends with ex-girlfriends, or how he uses Snapchat.

You've got no right to monitor his social media, nor do you have a right to ask him to remove any women he's had a past with! I'm friends with a few exes and have lots of men friends on my social media, because I've worked in a male dominated industry since leaving school, if my partner asked me to remove any of them I'd tell him where to go. Not that he would

If you don't trust him then break up with him

Why would you punish your current bloke with what your last bloke did to you?

You don't sound ready for a relationship. You're going to end up dumped if you carry on down this rabbit hole of mistrust.
You have absolutely no right to tell him who he can and can't have on his SM. Whether they're ex's or not.

It's my personal opinion that when you enter a new relationship, you should stop communication with ex's and people you've slept with in the past. I haven't got any issue with anything else, for me it's a respect thing, but everyone is different.

That's really controlling and all depends on circumstance. What if you end up with someone who co-parents? Or even someone who has an ex they're good friends with? Just because they didn't make it as a couple doesn't mean they can't be friends, and certainly doesn't mean they're going to jump into bed together.

Completely controlling and 🚩behaviour.

I'd just like to add my boyfriend also has the same view, so for us it's a mutual thing. We both have expressed we think it's disrespectful to continue speaking to people we've had an intimate past with. So what is okay for us, may not ge okay for some.

Yet you seem to question whether it is mutual, as you're concerned about his two Snapchat accounts.

Your "personal opinion" is batshit.

People have history, and if you demand they discard it then they'll (a) leave you or (b) hide stuff from you. You'll be left with partners entirely in category (b).

Then later you'll perhaps get upset that they're lying and hiding stuff from you?

So what are you bothered about then?

Nah, not buying that, if he had the same views he would have removed the girls without you having to ask.

@Howdon yes i think 2 Snapchats is odd
And Snapchat has a reputation that cheaters use it . You can only view photos videos etc just once then they disappear , leaving no trace
I never had it but that's what people say about that app .

I'm on Snapchat. Never cheated. Use it for funny pictures.

Again, that sounds quite mad to me. If someone has just entered a new relationship, why on earth would they stop contact with people who’ve been their life for far longer, for a new relationship which may not last at all? Someone who ditches all opposite-sex friends and acquaintances every time they get a new boy/girlfriend is going to find themselves very lonely, as most people would have no patience with only being acceptable as a friend depending on someone’s relationship status.

It’s also the kind of thing teenagers post silly memes on.

🚩 behaviour. You sound very controlling and immature.

There’s a difference between communicating with/continuing to speak to them and just having them on Facebook/Instagram? Texting an ex constantly for example shouldn’t be happening, but why the need to remove them from your Instagram?

Being an ancient 42 I really don't understand this at all! You've got no right to control what he does on SM.
You can ask him not to post photos of you without consent but that's it.

If he's given you no reason not to trust him then why are you bothered what he does on SM?

I use SM a bit (mainly for Facebook posts from schoosl and local news, never post on it), DH doesn't use at all. I occasionally show him stuff his family post. He has never asked to see my accounts!

Honestly, you sound a bit mad. I've been with my partner 20 years, actually since before social media even existed. I have a few exes on my Facebook - it's nice to see what they're up to. Only one significant ex I would never want to see again, so I haven't looked him up. Some of my exes are friends of friends and I see them at weddings/parties - it would be deeply weird to delete them from social media but keep the rest of the group.

I also have two Instagram accounts - the horror! One of personal and the other is for my hobby, but I must be untrustworthy, right? 🙄

I did have Snapchat years ago for the filters but stopped using it because I'm old and no-one my age has it. Afaik it's mainly for teenagers?

But no, you can't expect people to live as if they didn't exist before they met you. The older you get, the more this applies... if you find yourself dating someone with kids in 10 years, will you demand he deletes their mum from social media? Life just doesn't work like that.

That's the only 'reputation' I've heard of Snapchat- kids use it and post crap on it.

If a male does this is would be called incredibly controlling, regardless of who does it is controlling

I would not put up with being treated like this by anyone, and no I would not agree with 'yeah but anxiety' that is no justification if that was used

It is controlling behaviour, an huge red flag and as another PP said does this apply to any ex they may have kids with?

Maybe he’s telling you what he thinks you want to hear and carrying on chatting regardless

You're a control freak. You need to work on your behaviours before being in a relationship. 🚩