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Original poster

Trusting my partner on social medial

55 replies

Howdon · 23/05/2024 10:25

Hi all,

I just wanted to some opinions on how you would cope in my situation.

I am mid 20s and have deleted all my social media accounts a few years back. I am in a new relationship with a man who is 29 years old, we don't live together, but we see eachother regularly.

He uses social media, and has accounts on Facebook, insta, snap etc. Whilst I don't have an issue with his use of social media, I am slightly concerned that I've never seen his accounts or who he follows/ things he posts.

I have asked my partner of his usage on these apps I.e. if he could remove the girls he's had a past with etc, he has said he has done that.

What I find concerning, is that my sister has snapchat and has him has a contact and noticed he has 2 snapchat accounts. (One linked to his old number, and one linked to his new number). Am I crazy to think this is a bit odd?

I am also aware that he doesn't post things about us, and the things we do, as I have asked him about this before. I wonder if because I'm not on social media, that it's easy to pocket our relationship?

The reason I say this is because, my last boyfriend before me would post things of us and things we did together despite me not being on social media.

Just wanted some thoughts on this!

Thanks

OP posts:
rkahic · 23/05/2024 11:05

Howdon · 23/05/2024 10:36

It's my personal opinion that when you enter a new relationship, you should stop communication with ex's and people you've slept with in the past. I haven't got any issue with anything else, for me it's a respect thing, but everyone is different.

Show quote history

So agree with that, when I first started going out with DW, pre social media days, she still had photos of her with her previous boyfriend next to her bed for several months until I asked her why they needed to be there, yes it’s a personal thing and not everyone would agree but I’ve always thought, if you have a good relationship, there shouldn’t be anything on any social media accounts that you wouldn’t want your partner to see( unless you’re planning a surprise)

TheStickySweethearts · 23/05/2024 11:09

Sorry OP but this exes thing is weird. You dont trust him at all.

I dont keep in contact with exes but my DP does. I dont get involved and trust him 100% not to sleep with them even if they offered, i dont waste a thought on it!

Nottherealslimshady · 23/05/2024 11:09

I've never understood the idea that stopping your partner talking to people they've had sex with before will stop them cheating. It's the past, for one, clearly they didn't want to be together. And he's just as likely, if not more likely, to shag a totally new person than someone he's already been with. Having boundaries in place with exes, just like anyone, yes, it's inappropriate to flirt with other people whether they're your ex or not etc.

Either you trust him or you don't. Either he will cheat or he won't. If he wants to cheat stopping him from using social media won't stop him. But trying to control him may drive him away .

RainbowsMoonbeams · 23/05/2024 11:09

The OP is not wrong for not wanting him to be in contact with people he has had sex with isn’t a red flag. Why would he need to keep them in his orbit? And if those who post feel the need to do this personally, perhaps they haven’t fully let go of that person as much as they they think they have.

Hiddenvoice · 23/05/2024 11:10

Sorry but you can’t control what he posts or who he follows. My dh and I have each other on social media but rarely post things and barely have any pictures of us together online. It doesn’t impact our relationship anyway as I don’t need to post online for others to see.

If he has done nothing to make you concerned then you need to learn to trust him. If you want to know what he’s posting then either ask to see (but be prepared for him to say no) or make your own social media accounts.

I must have a few Snapchat accounts out there linking to previous phones but it means nothing other than I couldn’t remember my login.

also I have 2 exes on social media, so does my dh. Doesn’t mean I’m in contact with them, just means that we ended the relationship amicably.

yellowsmileyface · 23/05/2024 11:12

User19111 · 23/05/2024 10:50

@Howdon yes i think 2 Snapchats is odd
And Snapchat has a reputation that cheaters use it . You can only view photos videos etc just once then they disappear , leaving no trace
I never had it but that's what people say about that app .

It's just a form of social media. Many people use snapchat for innocent reasons, just to keep up with friends. It's a bit of a myth that it's a cheaters app. If someone is going to cheat, they can use any app to do so.

And I don't think the two accounts is weird. I deleted the app ages ago as I never use it, but I'm pretty sure my profile still comes up if people search for me. It's linked to your number so it's not strange that he'd get a new account when getting a new number, and for both to appear active.

Overall OP, I think you're a bit fixated on this. People use SM in many different ways. I've never been the kind of person to plaster my relationship all over SM. I prefer to keep it more private. Sharing your relationship on SM is absolutely no indication of how solid the relationship is.

It doesn't sound like he's given you any reason not to trust him. So I think you need to let this go.

CleanShirt · 23/05/2024 11:13

RainbowsMoonbeams · 23/05/2024 11:09

The OP is not wrong for not wanting him to be in contact with people he has had sex with isn’t a red flag. Why would he need to keep them in his orbit? And if those who post feel the need to do this personally, perhaps they haven’t fully let go of that person as much as they they think they have.

One of my best friends was my first proper boyfriend. We got together when we were 17, realised we were too young for such seriousness and are still friends 22 years later. I have zero romantic feelings for him, he his happily married with 2 children (and I'm friends with his wife). Should I stop speaking to him then?

Original poster
Howdon · 23/05/2024 11:14

I just want to add my boyfriend doesnt have children, if he had children I wouldn't expect him to cut communication on any platform with the child's mother! The context is he's admitted to mainly having one night stands and flings prior to meeting me, and I'm not okay with him having contact with them. (He asked me to block my ex, as he was calling and texting a lot, when I didn't want to speak to him anymore).

I guess my concern is, I've heard this term about "pocketing" and I fear perhaps he's doing this with me to an extent. Ive been with him nearly 7 months, so still fairly new but we're not complete strangers

I've suggested he meets my friends, and their partners and he seems against the idea of me interacting with his friends, he would prefer to keep it separate. I have also noticed when we're out together when he has shown me his posts, he only ever posts himself, when I have been there too, and to the general public you'd probably think he was a single man by looking at his posts

OP posts:
CleanShirt · 23/05/2024 11:16

What a lovely healthy relationship OP. Good luck!

SpringerFall · 23/05/2024 11:17

Howdon · 23/05/2024 11:14

I just want to add my boyfriend doesnt have children, if he had children I wouldn't expect him to cut communication on any platform with the child's mother! The context is he's admitted to mainly having one night stands and flings prior to meeting me, and I'm not okay with him having contact with them. (He asked me to block my ex, as he was calling and texting a lot, when I didn't want to speak to him anymore).

I guess my concern is, I've heard this term about "pocketing" and I fear perhaps he's doing this with me to an extent. Ive been with him nearly 7 months, so still fairly new but we're not complete strangers

I've suggested he meets my friends, and their partners and he seems against the idea of me interacting with his friends, he would prefer to keep it separate. I have also noticed when we're out together when he has shown me his posts, he only ever posts himself, when I have been there too, and to the general public you'd probably think he was a single man by looking at his posts

This sounds insane

OligoN · 23/05/2024 11:18

Howdon · 23/05/2024 10:36

It's my personal opinion that when you enter a new relationship, you should stop communication with ex's and people you've slept with in the past. I haven't got any issue with anything else, for me it's a respect thing, but everyone is different.

Show quote history

It isn’t disrespectful though. It’s controlling of you to even suggest it.

Being asked to end friendships with old boyfriends would be an instant dismissal for me.
…. because I know how to behave myself and wouldn’t treat someone badly. Similarly, I have never asked anyone to delete someone out of their life, because… well why would you do that?

pinkyredrose · 23/05/2024 11:19

have asked my partner of his usage on these apps I.e. if he could remove the girls he's had a past with etc, he has said he has done that.

Why would you ask him that? You're being jealous and controlling.

AncoraAmarena · 23/05/2024 11:20

CleanShirt · 23/05/2024 11:13

One of my best friends was my first proper boyfriend. We got together when we were 17, realised we were too young for such seriousness and are still friends 22 years later. I have zero romantic feelings for him, he his happily married with 2 children (and I'm friends with his wife). Should I stop speaking to him then?

Show quote history

Exactly the same here. We're grown ups, we can be friends and not want to jump into bed with each other.

And @RainbowsMoonbeams I can assure you that we have both completely 'let go' of each other. I think your comment says more about you than anyone else.

yellowsmileyface · 23/05/2024 11:23

Okay, the not wanting to introduce you to his friends is a bit of a red flag. I feel like that's a much bigger issue than his social media use.

NeverHadHaveHas · 23/05/2024 11:23

Are you willing to do any self reflection at all based on responses received?
You: asks for opinions.
mumsnet: gives opinions that differ from your own
you: I’ll stick to my own (batshit) opinions thanks.

Seriously, if you just want people to support you in your fuckwittery, what’s the point in asking on here? Ask your mates, I’m sure they will tell you you’re right (spoiler - you’re not and this won’t end well).

Original poster
Howdon · 23/05/2024 11:27

NeverHadHaveHas · 23/05/2024 11:23

Are you willing to do any self reflection at all based on responses received?
You: asks for opinions.
mumsnet: gives opinions that differ from your own
you: I’ll stick to my own (batshit) opinions thanks.

Seriously, if you just want people to support you in your fuckwittery, what’s the point in asking on here? Ask your mates, I’m sure they will tell you you’re right (spoiler - you’re not and this won’t end well).

I can see that I need to stop being so fixated on this stuff when it comes to social media and just let the relationship play out, and that's something I'm going to work on.

It will inevitably push him away if anything, and if he is to cheat I suppose people are right, he will do it anwyay.

OP posts:
Idontjetwashthefucker · 23/05/2024 11:42

I've suggested he meets my friends, and their partners and he seems against the idea of me interacting with his friends, he would prefer to keep it separate. I have also noticed when we're out together when he has shown me his posts, he only ever posts himself, when I have been there too, and to the general public you'd probably think he was a single man by looking at his posts

I'd be more concerned about the fact he's trying to keep you a secret, has he said why he would prefer you not to interact with his friends? How long have you been seeing each other?

maw1681 · 23/05/2024 11:48

RainbowsMoonbeams · 23/05/2024 11:09

The OP is not wrong for not wanting him to be in contact with people he has had sex with isn’t a red flag. Why would he need to keep them in his orbit? And if those who post feel the need to do this personally, perhaps they haven’t fully let go of that person as much as they they think they have.

I think OP is wrong, I'm facebook friends with an ex, we dated when we were teenagers and don't chat or anything anymore because he lives quite far away now but we're friendly and it's nice to see photos he posts of his DC. No way on earth I would want to get involved again!
Now I come to think of it I have another person I've had a relationship with on there too but not spoken to for years.
Just because you are "friends" with exes on SM it doesn't mean you're not over them or would cheat, some couples genuinely break up amicably.
It's what they do in real life that matters not their SM accounts

TheTartfulLodger · 23/05/2024 12:31

Howdon · 23/05/2024 11:14

I just want to add my boyfriend doesnt have children, if he had children I wouldn't expect him to cut communication on any platform with the child's mother! The context is he's admitted to mainly having one night stands and flings prior to meeting me, and I'm not okay with him having contact with them. (He asked me to block my ex, as he was calling and texting a lot, when I didn't want to speak to him anymore).

I guess my concern is, I've heard this term about "pocketing" and I fear perhaps he's doing this with me to an extent. Ive been with him nearly 7 months, so still fairly new but we're not complete strangers

I've suggested he meets my friends, and their partners and he seems against the idea of me interacting with his friends, he would prefer to keep it separate. I have also noticed when we're out together when he has shown me his posts, he only ever posts himself, when I have been there too, and to the general public you'd probably think he was a single man by looking at his posts

So you don't trust him basically, just like multiple previous posters already said ?

Ifyoucouldreadmymindlove · 23/05/2024 12:34

Um, the social media is not the problem here.

JuiceBoxJuggler · 23/05/2024 12:36

You are the issue here... Very controlling behaviour.

Arlanymor · 23/05/2024 12:48

This isn’t about social media. This is about you not feeling that he is properly invested in this relationship because he’s not instigating activities where you can meet his friends and vice versa, despite your having asked. It is a very new relationship, but after six months I would definitely have expected to meet one or two people if they live close by and generally socialise in a group. Have you met his family or spoken about it yet? Is it just the friends thing?

I think you know you don’t have a right to tell him how to organise his social media, including his friends list or what he posts, and if you are that keen on sharing your lives together online then there’s nothing to stop you having your own social media for that purpose. But the crux of this is not social media.

perfectcolourfound · 23/05/2024 12:56

I'm pleased you've listed to the responses on here, Op.

If you trust your bf, you won't mind if he's online friends with ex's as it won't be relevant.

Flirting with them, arranging secret meet-ups = out of order
Being facebook friends or even still in the same friendship group = reasonable and mature

My closest friend is my DH's ex. Genuinely never occurred to me to be bothered. They are ex's. I trust them both.

If you don't trust your bf because of something he's done or not done, ie if he's lied to you, refuses to meet your family or friends, goes off the radar, messes you around etc then that's what you want to listen to.

If he's generally good and kind and reliable and honest, then the social media thing alone shouldn't be an issue.

MyWhoHa · 23/05/2024 12:58

This relationship has no future because of your controlling attitude and the fact that you have not met any of his friends.

SnapdragonToadflax · 23/05/2024 12:58

I would be far more concerned that he doesn't want you to meet his friends after seven months. That's weird. Having exes on social media is not.