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Original poster

Partners parents seem to have issues with my age.

63 replies

Throwcaution · 22/05/2024 12:37

Hi, I’ve been with my partner for a few years and we have a 1 year old and live together. They have always been off with me. I am 40 and and DP is 33. They keep making little comments all the time and I’m starting to feel really self conscious like I’ve done something wrong and shouldn’t have got with him. It’s never in front of him.

I get the feeling they wanted a younger lady for him. The father made a comment, disguised in a joke that I trapped him. Basically I should have known better as he is young and I am not.

He was the one who chased me and hasn’t got a problem. Should I say something or just ignore them. Is this age gap really that big?

OP posts:
Original poster
Throwcaution · 22/05/2024 12:39

I should add the other son has been with his gf for ages, she is younger than him and they love her. The gap between us DIL is around 14 years.

OP posts:
mossylog · 22/05/2024 12:44

Seven years is fine. Parents always have expectations for their children, a life plan in mind, and many of them aren't subtle about showing their discomfort when the child doesn't conform to plan. If it's really bothering you, your husband could have a quiet word with them. (But in my experience, parents like this will then interpret that as you being oversensitive... sometimes you can't win with these people.)

ByCupidStunt · 22/05/2024 12:45

What little comments are they making?

Original poster
Throwcaution · 22/05/2024 12:48

@ByCupidStunt comments in the past often about how I trick him, always made to be jokes but they aren’t funny…eg yeah yeah we all know you used your ways to get him…whatever that means I don’t know, comments about how young and inexperienced he is.

OP posts:
yellowsmileyface · 22/05/2024 12:49

It's not a huge age gap. Presumably your partner was around 30 when you got together, so it's not like his brain was still developing and you took advantage of him.

The parents know they're being unreasonable and inappropriate which is why they never make these comments in front of him. I think you need to talk to your partner about it and he needs to say something.

Original poster
Throwcaution · 22/05/2024 12:52

@yellowsmileyface yes around 4 years ago. I am quite young in my outlook so we just gelled. It never crossed my mind that he was a good target for something, he is just a kind lovely man.

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RitzyMcFee · 22/05/2024 12:54

Do you think it's about grandchildren?

ScarlettSunset · 22/05/2024 12:55

Are they like that with anyone else? Or is it just you? I know some people just try to make jokes that often don't land too well as they misread how comfortable someone is around them.

Of course, they could just be arses though.

I would probably try to just ignore the digs, or maybe you could point out how lucky it is that you used your ways so now they have a lovely grandchild.

Your age difference really isn't that much. Mine is similar and I do find people forget that sometimes women can be the older partner, but it really isn't anyone else's business as long as you are happy.

Original poster
Throwcaution · 22/05/2024 12:55

@RitzyMcFee what do you mean? We have a daughter together. He never thought he’d have children and he loves her to bits but has said he would only like one and I’m on board so no issues within us.

OP posts:
DisgruntledPelican · 22/05/2024 12:56

RitzyMcFee · 22/05/2024 12:54

Do you think it's about grandchildren?

They’ve got one, though.

Opentooffers · 22/05/2024 12:57

Just pitty their poor attitude. They are obviously people who are total products of a generation where it was the norm for men to date younger, but not the other way around, amongst very many other rules and traditions that they would probably never want to step out of. It shows they are incapable of thinking for themselves, which is sad really and says more about them.
Unfortunately for you, that leaves you with a choice of either ignore, or pull them up on their thoughts and give them stick back for it out of earshot.

Original poster
Throwcaution · 22/05/2024 12:57

@DisgruntledPelican then have more from the other son.

OP posts:
Mindblownawaybyfog · 22/05/2024 12:59

Dh is 10 years younger than me. Mil faked approval as she dumped us when our dc was born.
She was only 10 years older than me. But Sue was 10 years younger than fil. Double standards.
Oh and she hissed his ex wanted his dc when we had told her I was pregnant.. Out of earshot of dh obviously...

Tlolljs · 22/05/2024 13:01

My ds is 37 my dil is 44 so if my maths are right that’s the same gap.
She is the best thing that has ever happened to him I love her to bits. They too have a child he’s marvellous too.
Anyway get to the point, maybe just maybe they don’t like you? Nothing to do with age and it’s this they’re being weird about because they don’t know what it is they don’t like. Hope that makes sense.

Original poster
Throwcaution · 22/05/2024 13:05

@Tlolljs It may just be that. I know because he has told me that she hasn’t approved of his previous girlfriends and has told him she didn’t think they were his type. That isn’t her choice to make though really. I’ve tried so hard to be nice but it is what it is I suppose.

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MyWhoHa · 22/05/2024 13:06

Next time they have a dig, smile innocently and ask them " what do you mean by that"? pretend you don't understand and keep repeating the question. Then enjoy watching them squirm.

TheCultureHusks · 22/05/2024 13:06

I think it’s time to nip this one, OP.

They’re being rude and disrespectful. I wouldn’t be ok allowing a situation where my child got to watch their grandparents being snippy and awful to their mum.

They want to be part of you and your child’s family? Then they treat you with common courtesy. Or you’re well within your rights to say I’m really sorry but it’s not good for my child to see toxic relationships like this. Be a positive part of OUR family or don’t interact with it at all.

I would speak to your partner and say this. Don’t beat about the bush. Say it’s clear that his parents have an issue with you. That’s up to them, but the time is coming where they need to decide whether they genuinely get over it or they won’t get to see their granddaughter if they’re going to model toxic, rude behaviour to her mum.

You could also point out how disrespectful they’re being to HIM. Firstly, how bloody infantilising that they presume to disapprove of his choice. He’s 33, not 22. You’re seven years older, not 17. Their problem is what, exactly? And how dare they throw their weight about in his family making that problem clear? Do they really expect you and he to just put up with being judged and disapproved at, indefinitely?

Finally you make it clear that you are not going to ever be ok with your child developing a close relationship with grandparents like this. She’s tiny now, it either gets sorted or the withdrawal will start. So it’s up to him whether he has a conversation with them or just starts to make it clear to them that when they’re in your home and with your family, they do not get to act like this.

Original poster
Throwcaution · 22/05/2024 13:09

I am a completely different personality to the other DIL and she definitely prefers her and makes it quite known. She is much younger and is a brilliant housewife, cooks, cleans does 100% of it all and I’m a bit rougher round the edges and expect him to pull his weight because I’m not a slave. He wouldn’t expect me to be either but the others son does seem to expect her to do it all.

OP posts:
Original poster
Throwcaution · 22/05/2024 13:12

@TheCultureHusks its already started really. I used to make the effort to go and see them on my own with dd but the effort from me is dwindling because quite frankly I dislike the company. They clearly think my dd is less worthy and that is disgusting. I limit my exposure to them because it was having an effect on my mental health.

OP posts:
TheCultureHusks · 22/05/2024 13:27

Throwcaution · 22/05/2024 13:12

@TheCultureHusks its already started really. I used to make the effort to go and see them on my own with dd but the effort from me is dwindling because quite frankly I dislike the company. They clearly think my dd is less worthy and that is disgusting. I limit my exposure to them because it was having an effect on my mental health.

OP that changes everything actually - they look down on your DD too? Fuck that. Red line. Withdraw completely, for her sake.

I would talk to your partner very honestly and make it clear that what sounds like an extremely miserable current situation should change, now. It’s bad for you. It’s bad for your DD. It’s bad for your family. And it’s bad for him too, to have such obvious contempt for his choices in his face all the time.

It’s obviously up to him if he continues his relationship with his parents but I would say to him that you have reached the end of the road. One thing which is however not a solution AT ALL is him taking your DD to visit without you. That’s super toxic - baking in the contempt, right into the family status quo. If he jumps to the solution that they might treat DD better if you weren’t there - woah, stop- what does that do to DD’s perception of how families should work? No. You’re a package as a family. If he continues his relationship with them as a son, it stands outside of his family (and as such is of course totally fake, and won’t last long).

Original poster
Throwcaution · 22/05/2024 13:30

@TheCultureHusks Ive never really fully accepted that we come as a package. I always thought that should be the case but didn’t want to get in the way of his relationship with them. They almost always pick occasions to visit when I’m not home and that used to annoy me because why not want to see us all as we a family. My family don’t only come when he isn’t home. They come to visit us.

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Sedgwick · 22/05/2024 13:34

I would see as little as possible of them. You sound lovely and they sound unpleasant.

TheCultureHusks · 22/05/2024 13:35

So they’re already actively trying to exclude you from family time in your own family?

it’s time for a serious chat with your partner where you make it clear that you’re not going to let that kind of corrosive behaviour get established.

The key thing is his reaction. It sounds as if he’s already ‘different’ and they’re closer to his brother and the set up his brother has. Good if so. Ultimately you need to talk honestly to him and set out that his parents aren’t just working against you as a person, they’re working against the happiness of him and his family, trying to undermine.

TheCultureHusks · 22/05/2024 13:36

In the meantime, I’d happily get to work making damn sure they didn’t see my very young daughter unless they were also prepared to visit me! When you say they visit when you’re not there, is it at times when your partner has your DD? If so… no more 😁

Original poster
Throwcaution · 22/05/2024 13:38

@TheCultureHusks it’s often when I’m at work. I work hardly any hours really so it so obvious.

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