Partners parents seem to have issues with my age.

[Throwcaution]

Hi, I’ve been with my partner for a few years and we have a 1 year old and live together. They have always been off with me. I am 40 and and DP is 33. They keep making little comments all the time and I’m starting to feel really self conscious like I’ve done something wrong and shouldn’t have got with him. It’s never in front of him.

I get the feeling they wanted a younger lady for him. The father made a comment, disguised in a joke that I trapped him. Basically I should have known better as he is young and I am not.

He was the one who chased me and hasn’t got a problem. Should I say something or just ignore them. Is this age gap really that big?

I don’t know what kind of partner they want for him as anyone could have any number of issues or develop issues. I’ve got my own home which I’ve 80% paid off so not after him for money. I suspect it’s someone who will dote on him and look after him like a mother but I’m not we are equal.

There are people who simply think youth is better than older where women are concerned. They've picked up the constant messaging from society that this is the case, and lack the intelligence and critical thinking to question it. You won't change their mind, but you don't have to sit there and take the snide comments. Next time I'd be challenging them head on 'what do you mean, he was trapped? What makes you suggest that?' Your partner should be fully on board and be challenging them too.

@5128gap no one bats an eyelid at an older man one bit.

This tells me they know very well they are out of line.
And the digs are very much on purpose, to attack you.

You need a chat with your DP and agree with him about how to approach things.
Its even more important now because your dd will soon see how they treat you, how they treat her and redressing the balance is essential.

I wouldn’t confront them directly. But just asking to clarify, in a very serious tone usually does the trick. Basically play stupid.
’oh I didn’t quite get what you mean there. Could you clarify that for me?’
If you are feeling like it, ask again because their answer won’t make sense. It’s doubtful that they’ll tell you to your face you are <insert their choice of words to describe you>. (And if they are, well good. Then they’ll be able to explain themselves to your DP.). But you’ll get the pleasure to watch them find ways to explain themselves away and feel deeply uncomfortable.

I would expect your OH to call them out and set a boundary.

Ie- what you said is hurtful. if you say things like that again we will leave this house.

You are not obliged to see these people. So don't. Frankly they sound awful. Crack on & try not to let them impact your relationship with DP.

If the sexes were reversed no one would have a problem with it. Probably ties into misogynistic views of the respective male / female roles.

You need to call them out.

When they refer to you using your ‘ways’ smile and ask what they mean by that. Allow for confusion/surprise that you have answered them back and embarrassed silence. “I used my ways? What ways are those, Edward?”

Age and experience are subjective but 33 isn’t young and inexperienced. Late 20’s-30 isn’t young and inexperienced. Point this out or phrase it in a jokey way so that they can’t accuse you of being horrible (🙄not that they mind doing so to you)

“He may be your little baby but I can assure you James is a fully functioning adult 😄”

“I think James would be slightly offended to be called young and inexperienced, especially now he’s a father”

Or point out that the age gap isn’t that much higher than the other siblings relationship - “is it bc I’m a woman? Get with the 21st century Elizabeth! 😄”

If you are really troubled by it talk to your OH about it and he can hopefully have a word.

@LadyHavelockVetinari The mum is very matriarchal in the family. I think perhaps she finds it hard to be the boss around me as she is only 15 years older. I would see it as a good thing, between us we’ve 2 houses, he doesn’t need to stress about money and he’s only 33, that’s a big issue within relationships. Our daughter is never (hopefully) going to struggle financially. So many good points. But they have a bee in the bonnet about something.

@Sceptical123 it was really getting to me and effecting my self esteem. I was starting to think perhaps they are right. I’ve had to just stay away from them.

Ahhh who cares you've love him that's the end of it.

Maybe it's one of those things that no one would be good enough for their little boy. Butt even so they shouldn't say things but next time they say you've trapped him just say ' well it was hard to get away when he was the one chasing' or ' trapped him, fat chance he chased me faster than a dog after a bone' and smile and laugh and then when your partner comes back to the room literally bring it up. "Partner did I trap you?" , "Partner tell your family how our relation ship started🤗" literally say something point blank. Also get your partner in board beforehand so he doesn't feel blindsided

Next time they make a dog you could ask them why they never make these jokes about you in front of him

*make a dig!