Partners parents seem to have issues with my age.

[Throwcaution]

Hi, I’ve been with my partner for a few years and we have a 1 year old and live together. They have always been off with me. I am 40 and and DP is 33. They keep making little comments all the time and I’m starting to feel really self conscious like I’ve done something wrong and shouldn’t have got with him. It’s never in front of him.

I get the feeling they wanted a younger lady for him. The father made a comment, disguised in a joke that I trapped him. Basically I should have known better as he is young and I am not.

He was the one who chased me and hasn’t got a problem. Should I say something or just ignore them. Is this age gap really that big?

Do you think he will have your back on this OP? That’s the crux of it all really

I mean does he see what they’re like towards you? Does he see their faults?

If I were mean or malicious I’d understand. I’d like nothing more than to be part of the family and loved.

I'd just say something like "wow you really must think very little of your son if you think he's stupid enough to be "tricked" into a relationship and fatherhood by a woman's wiles. Did you not raise him to think for himself then? Must be awful for him that his parents have such a low opinion of his intelligence when he's in his 30's!"

Fucking twats. Tell them straight to pack it in.

@TheCultureHusks i don’t think I could put him in that situation as I knows he’d feel incredibly torn. He has said he will try and get them to involve me more but he really can’t make them like me anymore then I can.

@ByCupidStunt Ive suffered sexual abuse in a previous relationship so if they had any idea what they were saying. It affects me quite deeply what they think of me.

So tell them.

I would not like this. The fact that they idolise the trad-wife other DIL would piss me off. I would have to get chippy and awkward with them. If they can be jokey-rude I’d do the same.

@ByCupidStunt because I’d end up alienating myself even more. I’m not good with confrontation.

Well, practice makes perfect!

@Screamingabdabz there isn’t anything wrong with the other DIL, it’s her life and she is happy with the situation. It’s more that they can’t see the good in us both despite being different.

DP and I have a bigger age gap, and are different religions, nationalities etc etc.

His parents told him they didn't accept me for those reasons, despite actually liking me as a person. He told them his thoughts and didn't speak to them for six months.

Long story short, they got the message, and we get on fine now. The wider family has also accepted me, although I'm sure plenty was said in the between times.

You don't want to put your DH in an uncomfortable position, but they keep putting you in one! He shouldn't be allowing them to treat you this way.

Why isn't he stopping these "jokes" because it's absolutely clear they are digs.

Time to speak to DH. Your feelings matter as much as his, and as you've been suffering at their hands so long they matter more.

@Azandme its difficult because they haven’t said anything to him and they don’t make the jokes in front of him.

I think your DP needs to start singing your praises in front of them. Saying how lucky he is and mentioning some of your great qualities. That way he doesn't have to be confrontational or make it look like you've been 'telling tales'.

They sound like assholes though.

No. This really is the wrong way to look at it.

He needs to know. You’re a family, equally responsible for creating a positive loving environment for your daughter. You’ve a responsibility to him to not hide this dynamic from him - by doing that you are not being truthful, really. It affects you and your daughter. What they are doing is insulting and undermining HIM too. They dig at the mother of his child and look down on his daughter behind his back.

There will be many many times in the future that as a family you face tough stuff. Don’t set up a precedent that somehow, YOU are responsible to keep the peace when other people are making the waves. Don’t set your stall out as a doormat. They’ve already sniffed that put, you know? Otherwise they wouldn’t dare be like this. Reset the dynamic before your DD gets any older otherwise you will have an entire family history of this, it will go through her childhood and affect everything.

Put him in the middle and make him feel torn? Yes, THEY are doing that. He needs to know it and you need to draw boundaries around what your family accepts as ok.

Again, you need to see this differently. No, this is YOUR family you’re talking about. Not theirs. THEY would be alienated as they would be at odds with YOUR family.

You are the nuclear family here and if your family is going to be a solid, secure one for your DD to grow up in, one of the cast iron absolutes is that you have each other’s backs. No way on earth should there ever be the dynamic in which you say, X is being awful to me, but if I say anything I’ll end up being the one isolated in my own family because my DP will be torn Um, hello? No. That’s not a family.

My partner's father doesn't like me because:

1. I'm 2 years older than my partner
2. I'm Catholic (not practicing)
3. I'm French/Australian
4. I was brought up wealthy - private schools etc
5. I've been married twice before
6. I'm estranged from both parents
7. I'm physically disabled - was in a car accident when I was 17.
8. I was 40 when I met partner, so no grandchildren (not that there would have been even if we'd met 10 years earlier, I never wanted children).

Partner's father is a homophobic, racist, Tory and Brexit voting arsehole. Partner is more like his late mother, who unfortunately was a 'surrendered' wife, who I didn't like because she was so two-faced and a pathological liar. She's bad-mouth his father to anyone who'd listen, but do a complete 360 in front of him. Made her very hard to trust - I never did.

I'd massively step back from his parents, do the bare minimum and tell your partner that you never want to be left alone with them. I agree that only visiting when you aren't there is rude as fuck, but try and see it as a blessing - means you don't have to deal with them!

I think you need to invoke your inner Joan Collins, I loved her answer when asked if she thought the age difference between her and her younger husband would cause any issues in the future , she shrugged and said “ Well, if he dies , he dies.” Which I think was a great response.

Have nothing to do with them. I’m no contact with FIL who is a narcissistic twat.

He never thought he’d have children and he loves her to bits but has said he would only like one and I’m on board so no issues within us.

My bet is that they believe you pushed him into fatherhood before it was too late for you. As others have said, it’s more than a bit infantilising of them to suggest a 30+ man couldn’t make his own decision on this.

@BrightonFrock there other son was a father at 20 so I’m hoping not but who knows. Perhaps they wanted this son to wait longer.

Me and him had a conversation about my age and we said if it happens it happens. He’s a great father.

He looks older than me and I apparently look about 30 so to look at us you’d think he was older. Who cares really we care about each other.

Op, you sound great and @TheCultureHusks and others are giving good advice.
You cannot have your child around such toxicity. A good partner would push back hard at their behaviour. To not do so is disloyal. I wouldn't tolerate that negativity around a child for 5 minutes.
Stand up to them for your child if not yourself. Spell it out to your partner that their behaviour is completely unacceptable and stay away from them.
Move if necessary.