Should I be concerned, or have I lost the plot?

[Downtoyou]

I left my husband in June after simply falling out of love, he was initially heartbroken but has since said it was the right decision and we have been very amicable.

In August our teenage son was diagnosed with stage 3 cancer and I took sick leave to look after him full time. The day after we were told he was sadly terminal, my husband went up to his home town for 4 days saying he needed to sort out paperwork with his mum. I was upset with this and when he returned I told him that I was disappointed that he left me with our devastated children to deal with the news, he apologised. Unfortunately our son passed away at the end of April and 2 days after my husband went up north again for 4 days and left me and our daughter with no support. For context, we are an army family and so I only live here due to my marriage and my family are also up north. We had our son's Celebration of Life on Friday and on Monday he went up north again, my sister travelled up with him in the car and he told her about his new girlfriend who he met in March but didn't give her name.

I asked my daughter if she new about dad's girlfriend and she said she just knew that her name is Anne (not real name). I said that's funny because he went out with an Anne years ago. My daughter already knew how Anne was a girl he went out with when we had a 2 year break from our relationship in our twenties. He told me she would kick, bite, slap and spit on him. He pushed her once in self defence and she called the police on him and he was arrested. When he was taken to the police station they were concerned about his injuries and he was taken to hospital. She caused damage to his car, would constantly phone his mother and demand to know where he was, made up stories about him and he lost all his friends. Whenever he tried to end the relationship she would threaten to kill herself. She was eventually kicked out of the army due to drugs and we got back together, got married and had our family and she has always hated me for that. She would message him occasionally and he would tell her to fuck off. Everything I know about her is what he has told me through the years, and he has received therapy for the trauma.

On Monday he was with her, and my husband blocked me out of the blue on all social media and WhatsApp. We had had a discussion just that morning regarding the collection of our son's ashes. He sent an email that evening saying this is how we communicate from now on and told me he wouldn't be paying me a penny for anything. I responded asking where has this all come from and that he will have to pay maintenance etc and that I was sorry it had come to this.

I told my sister his girlfriend's name is Anne, she contacted my husband to say thanks for the lift and asked if his new girlfriend is the ex girlfriend and he said yes, she's changed, they've talked everything through and she's a lovely person now. My sister looked her up on FB and she has written a FB status about me, calling me a crazy person who sends crazy emails and how her and her gorgeous new boyfriend had spent the morning laughing about it, this woman is around my age - 40! It doesn't seem like she has changed at all. This was on the day I got my son's ashes.

The reason I am writing here is that I am concerned. He would never in a million years go back to her, but yet he has, just as he is going through the worst time in his life. He's blocked all my family, our daughter is unhappy that he has gone back to someone who has treated him so badly and he doesn't seem to care. He wants them to meet, and I have said no. Am I being unreasonable? Our daughter is 17 and has said she can't have a relationship with her dad when he is with her. I am worried that his self-esteem is on the floor and I spoke to his brother with my concerns and he just said people grow and change. Do they?

I am so heartbroken. I am grieving the loss of my son and now the only other person who understands and was there with us while he took his last breath won't communicate with me. I don't think he's thinking straight. Is there even anything I can do? Should I be doing anything or should I let him get on with it? Am I right to be so concerned or is my grief clouding my judgement? My husband is normally a good man, I just can't believe this is happening.

I am so sorry about your son.

Let your ex husband get on with it, it's his life to waste if that's what he chooses to do. I think that you should just let your 17 year old make her own decisions about her time spent with him as she is nearly an adult. Focus on yourself.

Wow! That is absolutely awful for you. I am so sorry for your loss.

I'm afraid I don't think there's anything you can do. On top of your son's loss you are going to have to grieve the loss of your support system and I feel for you.

Your dd is old enough to make her own decisions and it looks like it's good that she doesn't want to get involved with her dad right now. It is safer for her mentally and possibly physically by the sounds of it.

Your xh is dealing with all this in his own way and it's how he has chosen to do it.

I don't know what advice to give, other than leave him to it. And I am really so, so sorry.

I think your ex is sabotaging his life, some people do really strange things when they can't cope or manage their feelings.
So basically is him who lost it, but it is nothing to do with you. Don't get involved. Focus on your life and your DD.

So sorry to hear about the loss of your son. It must be incredibly difficult. Assuming that your DH was always a good dad it does seem that he's using this past relationship as a means of escape. I don't know what you can do about it but I do think that you need to take care of yourself and your DD. If you can, accept that this is his way of dealing or rather not dealing, with his grief. I would avoid the other woman and keep communicating with your H in a detached manner. In time, hopefully you can all heal enough to be cordial at least. I do wonder if counselling may help you and your DD at this time? It would probably help your H.

I think my main concern is that his self-esteem is so low to go back to that type of relationship that I am scared he will do something stupid. He went and stood on a bridge over the motorway when we had an argument once and he is in therapy since our relationship broke down. My DD has been seeing a therapist since her brother got diagnosed. I have requested a phone call from my cancer social worker to talk this through. She has been amazing. I feel like I am watching a car crash waiting to happen and there's nothing I can do about it. It's just all so, so sad.

I am so sorry for the loss of your son. It must be a difficult time for all of your family. The best thing you can do right now is get some support for yourself to be able to grieve your son. Focus on you and your daughter and trying to get through each day. It is probably not a good idea to make long term plans or be worrying about your stbx. He is an adult. He can worry about himself.

@Downtoyou have been there regarding your child passing away. so sorry.xx your stbxh, on the other hand, is just a waste of space. he will live to regret his actions. you need to forget him and let him lose himself with the other woman. you also need to let your daughter make her own mind up and make sure you dont lose her to him. please tread carefully with her.

I’m so sorry to hear about your son, heartbreaking for you and your family.
Your ExH is treating you awfully so don’t spend your energy on him, you have your own grief to deal with as well as that of your children. In a way you are also grieving the
man He was too. Sending you a hug x

So sorry for the loss of your son OP 💐💐💐😔 I think that you should try and focus on yourself and your daughter. I understand that you’re concerned about your ex husband and this woman does sound awful and unstable but he is obviously going through his own grief and not making good decisions - hopefully he will come to his own senses and realisations about the situation with Anne in time. My heart goes out to you, this must all be so difficult and devastating to deal with but it sounds like you are close to your sister and your daughter - focus on being with them and healing, and when you feel stronger then maybe you can try and talk to your ex about this problematic woman.

I feel like I have more clarity now. He can do what he wants, he is an adult. He is driving back down 3 days early minus the new gf to speak to my daughter, so that is positive. She doesn't want to speak to him at the moment but I have encouraged her to, even if she just explains how she feels. He said to her yesterday that he was happy and if she didn't like it then that's her problem. She was devastated, but hopefully him driving back means he has seen some sense.

@Downtoyou I am so sorry your ExH is behaving like this. I know he’s grieving but so are you and your DD. He should be more sensitive around her as she’s gone through an unimaginable loss. Forcing a new relationship onto her when she’s so fragile is very unfair and harsh. She is going to need a lot of space and patience to adapt. It’s like he’s unable to empathise with her. Lucky she has you. Tahr care of yourself, I am very sorry for your loss 💐

God I'm so sorry about your son, OP. It must be so hard to lose communication with his other parent, heartbreaking. I hope this is just part of your ex's grieving and that he becomes more stable with time.

You'll look back and think fuck this man and the horse he rode in on. What a disappointment of a partner. I'd say they're welcome to each other. He's shown his true colours here and you are literally better on your own. Sorry for your loss and just remember what a stalwart you are, going through all this and being there for your girl. She is the absolute centre of your world just now, she'll be fine with you at her back. I know it's easier said than done but you need to see this as an opportunity to live life away from this selfish twat, and recover without worrying about him too.

This is heartbreaking. I am so sorry you’re going through this. Sending lots of love to you OP ❤️🫂

So sorry for your loss OP, you and your daughter have been through a lot of pain and trauma and l would advise to concentrate on her and yourself now.
Let your daughter make her own decisions, she doesn't have to see her father until she feels ready. He has behaved in an utterly selfish way, there is no excuse. Hopefully he will come to his senses in time but best to leave him to it for now. Focus on your own and your daughter's healing, that's what's important right now.

At the end of the day it is him who is missing out. The day after we were given the news that our son's cancer had spread into his spinal fluid, my stupid bastard ex-husband went away for 4 days. The reason - it's was his girlfriend's lifelong dream to climb a mountain, so he took her to Wales. Our son died 29 days after this new prognosis. He will regret that time. I know in my heart that I did absolutely everything I possibly could for our boy, I wouldn't dream of leaving him for a second knowing what short time he had left.

My daughter is meeting her dad this afternoon to talk things through, but from what she has told me about the way she has been feeling towards him, he is going to lose both of his children within the space of a month, and it's just really sad.

Oh OP, you poor woman. How absolutely horrendous. You cannot save him. He has made his poor choices, this awful woman ahead of his dying son. He will have to bear that guilt.
Please focus on yourself and your daughter completely.
You have only so much strength in you.
Save yourself for your daughter.

@Downtoyou this must be so difficult to write as it’s damn difficult to read. It’s incomprehensible that he would go off to climb this mountain as it’s his girls friends life long dream ( the mountain would still be there !). Must have been so hard to deal with his selfish behavior as well as dealing with your sons terminal diagnosis. I def think as other posters have said, focus on you and your Dd. I hope you have support x

I am so, so, sorry for what you and your dd are going through.

sadly: this is who he is. He is a very shallow, easily dominated person. The harder real life gets for him the more he clings to his dominatrix. When you were the woman in charge of him he (more or less) did what he was told but his heart wasn’t in it. He did not get the thrill that being abused by her, controlled by her, gives him. He chose this and chooses it. It is horrifying.

I wish you and your daughter peace.

DD has been back from meeting her dad, she said she didn't get much out of it and her feelings towards the situation haven't changed. He is in love with this awful woman and that's that. She said he went on and on about me and the trauma that I apparently caused him, and I genuinely have no idea what he could mean by this.

I am so sorry for your loss.
I think your husband has checked out of reality, it’s too painful, he can’t cope so it’s easier to take up with someone who might appear nice at this time and totally unconnected.

He's an adult so has to take responsibility for himself. I’m really sorry he’s not supportive during this awful time in your life, as he should be. Let your reliable family and friends support you and your daughter, you both need time to grieve in your own ways.

That’s his conscience talking. He knows he’s been a horrible, unreliable idiot but has to pass it on to someone else ( you). In all honesty you and your dd are better off without him in your lives right now.

He's rewriting history and that's what your poor daughter is hearing. It's his guilt, he needs to find way for him not to look like the shit he is in her eyes. He should absolutely not be doing this to your lovely daughter, it's not fair on her. What a bastard.

He leaves you for someone he's been secretly seeing during the worst possible shock any parent can live through and then tries to involve your daughter in his lies (insomuch that he's blaming you to her). It's shit behaviour from him and he has clearly put himself and his needs above those of his two children one of whom is only so recently died.

I wish I could give you a hug. This sounds so awful, so painful, as if the heartbreak of your son is not enough.

As other posters have said, focus on you and your daughter. When you are ready I'd be inclined to seek some counselling, this is enough to break even the most stoic of people.

Don't talk about the marriage with your daughter, she's a child. Gather friends and family around you and get through this awful time together.

My heart breaks for you.

Words fail me OP, what a cruel, selfish excuse for a human being your ex husband is showing himself to be.
I would go no contact with him now and if your daughter also chooses to do so don't dissuade her. She doesn't need to hear the crap her father is spouting at this difficult time.
I also think you might benefit from bereavement counselling to help you through this.

It's just so sad. This time last week we were following my son's coffin as a family, today I have had to apply for child maintenance.

I have had a screenshot from the new girlfriend's FB page calling me Martha from Baby Reindeer, saying how hysterical it is. SBExH and I have exchanged a few emails today regarding money (he's cancelled everything) and has once again showed her them. I have told friend not to send the screenshots, if I can't see them then they won't affect me. She has people liking and commenting, if only they knew what I was going through, they would think she is a bitch.