I've had a row with my dd and I don't know how to move forwards

[Noonelikesasloppytrifle]

My DD is 16 and is sitting her GCSEs so I can appreciate that it is a stressful time for her. I feel like we've had an issue which has been building for quite some time. Ultimately, I feel like she really looks down on me and pretty much hates me, with every interaction being a chore. I think I'd subconsciously reduced interacting with her because it was generally a negative experience. She wouldn't really respond to messages unless she wanted something and when she did I'd get one word answers. She stopped asking me for things, instead choosing to ask her dad (he generally just says yes to most things and doesn't actually do parenting). I've found it really hurtful and upsetting.

Her exams started last week and obviously I'd ask her how it went. Again this would be a one word response and if I'd probe any further I'd get snapped at. She said she didn't want to talk about it and was focussed on revising but she seems to be able to spend hours on the phone to her friends and spending time with them when she can. It's like everything she has here is second best and that I am constantly doing or saying the wrong thing.

On Friday, I lost it and really shouted. Told her that I was fed up of being treated like shit and only good enough to speak to when she wanted something. I told her I was done with facilitating her lifestyle and that she could sort it out for herself from now on. Things have been very frosty ever since and we have barely spoken. My natural response is to withdraw which I don't think is helpful but I also don't want to cause her increased anxiety over her exams. However, she has also made it clear that she doesn't want me to speak to her so I don't really know where to go from here.

Please tell me what to do.

Not surprising that you snapped. I would leave it for now.

Once the exams are over, then have a heart to heart with her but be prepared that her attitude may still remain the same.

You need to show her that you will maintain your boundaries, mental health and self respect even if she does not.

For now, I would just give her a very succinct apology, tell her you didn't mean that you were done with her, and you are there as always if she needs you/wants to talk. Then give her space and don't push. Let her get her exams out of the way. After that, you can try to drill a bit deeper into what's behind the breakdown in communication and what you can both do to improve it - but don't underestimate the role exam stress, hormones and general teenage irrationality can play. It may be a case of biding your time and minimising conflict, until her brain is a bit more developed!

Thank you. I have a very poor relationship with my own mother which is fine at surface level but there is nothing below this. I know that I pushed her away a lot as a teenager and it scares me that mine and dd's relationship will end up the same. I then remind myself that my mother abandoned me at the age of 14 (literally) and that she was piss poor as a mother so it's not inevitable.

Tonight, I have found out that she asked DH if she could have a sleepover party at a friend's at the weekend. She knew that I would challenge this and that he would not (he also forgot that we already have plans which will be affected by having to make a 2 hour round trip to collect her) so I'm also annoyed with DH too because he always comes off as the good guy when actually he just doesn't make the hard calls.

My instinct would be to park how you're feeling for the next month. She's under more stress than she's ever had in her whole life. She's a teen, hormonal, exams and experiencing difficulty in communicating with her mum. Try to cut her some slack.

That's not to say she's not being incredibly rude to you. And I understand how hurtful it must feel. And she should know that no matter how hard her life might be, there is no excuse for treating you the way she is.

But perhaps an apology for shouting, tell her you'll never give up on her, a hug and a bar of chocolate might be the start of thawing relations? It won't solve whatever's going on, but it will temporarily smooth things to help her focus on the exams.

Then you can take her to task about how she's been towards you.

@Noonelikesasloppytrifle I don’t have any brilliant advice I’m afraid (my DDs are both still little, 6 and 3) but I do relate to the fear of your relationship with your DD ending up like your relationship with your own mum! Me and my mum have a superficially fine relationship as well but we aren’t properly close and I have a lot of issues with her as a person really, I wouldn’t confide in her about anything real - and I hate the thought that inevitably my relationship with my own daughters who I love more than anything may end up the same way! Then I remind myself that I am not my own mother, as you have done here, and that it isn’t just inevitable that after teenage turmoil years there will be a distance between us - that’s just my own experience and there are lots of mothers and daughters with close and lovely relationships. The fact that you are trying your best to think of what is best for your daughter in this situation and posting here for advice shows how much you care about her and your relationship with her. I would say that one lasting issue I have with my own mother is that she never apologises for anything, certainly not arguments, and I think that what a PP had said about going to her with a peace offering and saying sorry and then revisiting her attitude and treatment of you at a less stressful time would
go a long way 😊👍🏻💜

I agree with the PP about maintaining boundaries. She has to learn not to treat you like that. It would be easy to fall into the trap of trying to placate her to keep the peace. When her exams are over, try and sit down with her to talk things over and explain how you feel. Ultimately though, she has to learn that she can’t treat you this way. Have you talked to your OH about it? He needs to stop facilitating her and just giving her what she wants.

Your dh and you need to sit down and get on the same page. She should not be playing you off against each other. He needs to either back you up or explore with you why you are reacting as you are. The lack of communication from a teenager is standard really but disrespect should be pulled up on. I would try and build bridges over half term and then reset with her once exams are over.

👆 was about to say same re DH backing you up

Teenagers are hard.
You and your dh need to get on the same page.
You need to reset your relationship with your dd. This is a stressful time for her with exams so I wouldnt do anything major yet. I'd sit her down and call a truce. Acknowledge this is stressful for everyone, that you love her and want to support her and when exams are over you want to try and connect with her again. Then ask her to think of some things you can both do together that's enjoyable- cinema, picnic, spa day at home, shopping etc.

My daughter is 16 and going through her GCSEs. She’s the same. I just thought it was normal teenage girls and look after her of course, ask her how things went, get one word answers and eye rolls but let her get on with it. She asked me for a particular type of bread this morning. I say yes. And off she went to her exam. Sorry I can’t be more helpful but also
speaking to her best friends mum - this can be quite typical. I just think they will grow out of it. Maybe I am being naive.

Firstly you and DH need to get on the same page. It's not ok for you to be the fall guy.

But also, you need to be the adult here. You can't do things like withdraw (which sounds very close to withdrawing affection or silent treatment). You need to start with a genuine apology for how you shouted on Friday. It worries me that you haven't yet.

Then you need to do some deep self reflection. Many of us don't want to repeat patterns with our own children yet inadvertently do because of the nightmare called generational trauma. The fact you've not apologised 5 days later makes me wonder if that's what's happening here. I'm definitely not saying your daughter's behaviour is ok and neither is your DH's, but if you want to get things on track with your DD you've got a limited window of time to do it in and I'd hate for you to look back in a few years and realise it is just a surface relationship like yours with your mum, despite your best efforts. It's really hard looking at ourselves and considering where we are unwittingly repeating mistakes (or swinging 180 the other way which is equally harmful). Right now she needs attuned attention and kindness to weather the most stressful time of her life, without worrying about this. So apology, loads of love (even when not reciprocated or appreciated) and self reflection for potentially a bigger taking of accountability down the line once GCSEs are over.

Your DH is the problem here. Your daughter is being a normal teenager. Your DH isn't parenting and he's being a lazy yes guy. She is taking the path of least resistance and I don't blame her for that.

By the way it sounds so similar. I also reduce the amount of interaction because it isn’t particularly interesting to say the least. Mine also makes a point about not like the same things as me eg clothes, music etc. I once spoke to a therapist about it and she said, as long as everything else is ok, this can be actually a healthy thing. It’s them establishing their own selves away from their mothers. Mine also interacts better with her dad which annoys me as I do the majority of the childcare. Therapist said as long as there is nothing else such as self harming, eating issues, bullying etc (my DD has a lovely friendship group and chats to them all the time other than me!) then relax. It’s not nice but I am holding my breath and waiting for her to come out the other side.

And yes. In the meantime smile and make sure they are ok. Ensure they are well fed and watered, do their washing, keep the house calm and tidy, ensure they are able to sleep well. Ask about their exams even tho you may get a grunt or one word answer. I go in and give a kiss on the head and a cuddle even if she feigns not wanting it. And off we go!

I think your DH is the bigger problem here. If he and you presented a united front, your DD would have worked out a long time ago that her attitude is not going to get her what she needs. As it is, she's learned the very effective strategy of getting what she wants from your DH and paining you as the bad guy so that she has a figure to transfer all her teenage/exam angst onto. Your DH is actually doing your DD a massive disservice by allowing this instead of gradually leading her to the point of realising that part of growing up is to negotiate wants/needs/conflict honestly and respectfully.

In your shoes I might try writing to her to reassure her that you love her no matter what, recognise she's under a lot of pressure with her exams and that you don't want your relationship to deteriorate but that you are hurt by her disengagement because to you it feels that she is rejecting you. Acknowledge (and this is important) that this may not be what she's doing at all but it's how you feel - talking may help you understand her perspective more. Also point out to at rudeness is not acceptable and it is possible to disagree respectfully and her being able to do that will show she is maturing and in turn will help you be confident in allowing her more freedom. You need to be reassuring, conciliatory, non-judgmental but firm. A letter/email/text will allow you to get the wording right and time for her to digest it without any direct confrontation and it all going wrong.

Good luck!

You need to apologise and blame your hormones or something for now. Make a great dinner and talk about anything other than exams and issues.

After GCSEs suggest doing something fun together and focus on that. Teens are so focused on their own lives and their friends and parents are very background now and rightly so as they try and become independent from you. They still need you though your role changes and you do need to give them more space.

Your mother abandoned you as a child, at 14. Your daughter’s behaviour is triggering the abandoned part of you. I would recommend some therapy to find some peace with yourself and taking responsibility for your part in your relationship with your daughter by clearing the air.

This is old, unresolved stuff coming up for you again via your daughter’s behaviour and it’s getting in the way of your relationship with her.

Obviously you need to let her know it’s not ok to treat people the way she treats you, but the above will take the emotion out of it for you.

Several things, firstly you have my sympathies. I have a teen dd who's also doing GCSEs.

I'd apologise, but simply say 'I'm sorry I shouted at you, I know you're under a lot of stress at the moment and I'm here for you if you need me' that should reopen the lines of communication. Try not to withdrawal from her, go back to bright and breezy.

How was your exam?
Fine
That's good, I'm making pizza for dinner, that ok?
Yes
Ok be ready in 15

Also try the open question route, rather than 'how was your exam' as her 'what went well in the exam'

Also try and gain a sense of humour on it, even if you and dh joke about it. Inwardly roll your eyes or play the Kevin and Perry scenes back in your head.

As for your plans this weekend, let your dh sort the 2 hr travelling out. It's all good and well being the fun parent and saying yes if you're not the one having to facilitate it. Even if it means you go on your own. I suspect that dh does this a lot. Agreed to something and then you have to sort it. Stop doing this. Fun dad won't be fun anymore if it's him that is inconvenienced.

Some excellent posts here OP. Also helping me as well because what @WhatThenEh says is potentially very true. Your DD sounds like v typical teenage girl behaviour but it sounds like you are letting it affect you (believe me a lot of us mums do) because of your own past. Try and relax. Realise it will eventually pass. Apologise. We are all only human and sometimes get to the end of our tether. Sit and chat with her. Tell her how much you love her.

Agree with the posts above, great advice esp from @pukkapine . Perhaps another thing that may help is agreeing with DH that with requests such as the sleepover, he should do a blanket 'I need to discuss this with mum first' response, before actually discussing it with you and then giving a joint reply. That should prevent the good cop/bad cop dynamic playing out constantly.

I would possibly agree if a child was 4 but at 16 I don't see 'I need to check with the other parent' is totally fair

My kids are younger so maybe I am being totally misguided/naive...

I thought it might help with the situation where OP's DD is asking DH for permission to do things that she knows the OP would probably refuse? I do definitely think the parents need to get on the same page quite quickly.

And obviously I mean just for bigger things that require lots of parental input/have a risk element to them. Of course DH doesn't need to go to the OP for 'can I eat the pringles that are in the cupboard?'

It's hard and your feelings are valid. And you need the support of other adults,to vent to and feel heard. I don't think it works when we try to get validation from a child. It's one of those situations where parenting caring is one way.

You can't change DD's feelings or behaviour, and I think unfair to give the message that a child should change because of how we feel. Healthy boundaries come from a sense of self and having worked out what your values are and acting from this place. The therapist I listen to says good parenting is an end in itself - we do it because we decide to and accept DC will be whatever they will be. Hard and a lifelong process. They learn from our behaviour far rather than our saying to them "be what I say".

You have added to DD's stress by losing your temper. I would apologise in some way, written or simple spoken words, then move on. We all have to move on from situations like this.

Remembering the How to Talk to Kids book advice, that direct questions often don't lead to good conversations, I'd
say stop asking how exams went. State something instead like, I was thinking of you today and hope it went okay for you. And as PP suggest, make a dinner DD likes, give her a bar of chocolate, whatever. Decide if you want to be a cheerful background presence at this time, consistent, and someone who she will know she can talk to from your vibe not from making her sit down and have it out with you.

Another therapist suggestion is to hold a positive view of DC in your mind. A lot of communication is unconscious, we pick up on unspoken feelings. Focus on the positive and on the way you want to be for the long term. When you don't feel positive about DD: as above - talk to another adult to deal with your feelings, so you can show up to DD without wanting something from her.

Sorry this is long and likely still not making myself clear. This way of being and relating can be quite different to our norm. I really recommend Dr. Brad Reedy's podcasts and books, and Philippa Perry's books and advice in her relevant Guardian columns.