I've had a row with my dd and I don't know how to move forwards

[Noonelikesasloppytrifle]

My DD is 16 and is sitting her GCSEs so I can appreciate that it is a stressful time for her. I feel like we've had an issue which has been building for quite some time. Ultimately, I feel like she really looks down on me and pretty much hates me, with every interaction being a chore. I think I'd subconsciously reduced interacting with her because it was generally a negative experience. She wouldn't really respond to messages unless she wanted something and when she did I'd get one word answers. She stopped asking me for things, instead choosing to ask her dad (he generally just says yes to most things and doesn't actually do parenting). I've found it really hurtful and upsetting.

Her exams started last week and obviously I'd ask her how it went. Again this would be a one word response and if I'd probe any further I'd get snapped at. She said she didn't want to talk about it and was focussed on revising but she seems to be able to spend hours on the phone to her friends and spending time with them when she can. It's like everything she has here is second best and that I am constantly doing or saying the wrong thing.

On Friday, I lost it and really shouted. Told her that I was fed up of being treated like shit and only good enough to speak to when she wanted something. I told her I was done with facilitating her lifestyle and that she could sort it out for herself from now on. Things have been very frosty ever since and we have barely spoken. My natural response is to withdraw which I don't think is helpful but I also don't want to cause her increased anxiety over her exams. However, she has also made it clear that she doesn't want me to speak to her so I don't really know where to go from here.

Please tell me what to do.

Asking her dad rather than you is a pretty normal thing to do tbh.

The fact your dh ‘forgot’ you had plans and there will be a need to do a two hours trip to collect her.
Well I’d say he can do that himself, Wo you and anyone else in the family. Why should you/everyone else be impacted?

Fwiw at that age, my dcs also had one word answer. Neither of them would have to length explaining what they did, how it went etc…
Im afraid it’s a time when you have to cross fingers and hope for the best for them.
Talking didn’t really come easily either. But doing so in the car always worked better (no eye contact!) rather being put on the spot when they come back from school at the dinner table.

Id concentrate on making things as easy as possible for her. Ask her what she’d like for dinner the day before an exam day. If she wants a different breakfast. Does she need a bottle of water?

APP talked about holding a positive image of your dd in your mind. I’d agree to that too. It’s amazing how much subconsciously comes out! Assume she will be nice and happy. Assume there is something going on for her if she is grumpy - but NOT something to do with you. (Aka dint take it personally :))
Continue to offer a calm secure place/person/attitude. The kind of place your dd would want to go.

And of your dd is getting rude (not the one word answer but actively rude) a Pardon? With a raised eyebrow is plenty.

So sorry you are going through this OP.
at 16 she will want to be treated like a grown up. Freedom over the summer, later curfews, phone, tripa with friends etc. but that also means learning to handle stress like a grown up. Exams are stressful, they are. But in her future she will not be allowed to behave like a dick when stressed. She will have a job, maybe a family, and she cannot inflict her crap on others.
Shouting is not good, but I do get why you were pushed to your limit.

I think your shouting at her was a natural response to bad behaviour.

If you now apologise and give hugs and chocolates you’ll be reinforcing bad behaviour. She will walk all over you after that.

Bad behaviour should have consequences.

Exams or not.

Sadly you are being triangulated with your other half who is playing good dad and not supporting you.

A teenager needs boundaries and her father is letting her down and you’re being punished for it.

Sounds like normal teenage behaviour tbh, they're hard work sometimes!
Let this go over her exams though it's a stressful time for her.
When they're over work on your relationship. It's fine to set boundaries and not tolerate her being rude but also spend time together doing something nice (currently am watching buffy the vampire slayer with my teen!).
DH needs to be on the same page too, it's not fair if you're doing all the discipline.

Lots of great suggestions here to work around your trauma of abandonment. The main thing is: please don’t despair. You are NOT your mother. You love your daughter and try to be there for her. You have not abandoned her. There is time for repair after this rupture.

I think it's fair enough for certain things, just saying maybe / probably but I'll check with dad / mum first that we haven't got something on I've forgotten about. Me and dh are always forgetting things, so often say this to dd if she asks to go somewhere or do something / have friends round etc. She tends to ask me most of the time and I do also remind her it's not just up to me.

If she can’t control the way she talks to you she is not mature enough to be given freedom.
Act like a small child, be treated like one. Exams or not.

Totally agree, there's some unresolved hurt and abandonment being triggered and although I understand your gut reaction to withdraw op, please try not to. It's not something a 16 year old can understand or rationalise and will just feel like withdrawing affection and silent treatment as a pp said. This is what my dm did amongst many other negative things that confused and hurt me as a teen (and she still does). Try to be as resilient as you can right now especially with her exams. By all means pull her up on any rudeness, but try not to take things so personally or like a rejection of you then withdrawing. She's still a child, when my own feelings are triggered by something with my dd I try to stop and think why is this making me feel such strong emotions, it's usually my own issues coming back from the past. Have you thought about seeing a therapist to work through your feelings about your own mother? I'm sure there must be trauma from her abandonment of you, it's why generational trauma gets passed on. Therapy hasn't helped my actual relationship with my own dm, that ship has sailed, but it's helped me in many other ways, including how I am as a mum myself and I still often have to remind myself and pull myself up when emotions start to run high with dd over something.

Agree your dh isn't helping things, he should have said to dd sorry but I forgot we had plans this weekend so you won't be able to make the sleepover, he needs to take some responsibility here. Dh and I are always forgetting things, so both say to dd we need to run it by the other one if it's something like a sleepover or involving quite a journey.

I don’t think that will help. Teens need to be cut a little slack and it doesn’t appear as though the dd is doing anything terribly wrong. Just general teenage stuff. Op clearly has some work to do on the way she talks and reacts to her dd.

Sounds like a DH issue!

She shouldn't be able to play the two of you off each other as she is doing!

Agree that the responsibility for the two hour drive should fall on dh or dd needs to get public transport closer to where you are.

I think though it is a tricky balance with teenagers and you can't demand that they talk to you or how they interact with you as that will drive them away. Sometimes you need to pick your battles.

Are you sure it is laziness behind dh views or is he encouraging independence? My Dh can be somewhat restricting of the dc at times because he doesn't always want them to be growing up but it is so important for them to spread their wings a little and also take the opposite view to us sometimes.

She’s 16 and doing her GCSEs
her friends are the most important thing to her, not you, that’s normal. I think you may understandably be projecting your own issues with your mother a bit too much on to her.
now she’s likely really stressed with exams and you’ve added to it, you could’ve just waited until her exams were over, so that’s a bit selfish really.

You’ve also not been very clear with your issue here so I imagine you’ve not been clear to her. you said she doesn’t ask you for things now, but your issue is she only speaks to you when she wants something, so which is it? just being sick of her behaviour and then yelling and then being frosty with her doesn’t really help. Would you do that with another adult? Or would you talk to them specifically about what they’re doing and specifically about what you would like the change?

if you and dh are not on the same page, you can’t blame her for that, she’s of course going to go to him.

well done for recognising you normally withdraw though and trying to work against that. I think you just need an honest conversation

Don't push her away, OP. She's in the middle of GCSE stress and the one word answers are pretty standard teenage stuff. Try not to take it so personally.

It seems very normal teenage girl behaviour to me, with the added stress of GCSE exams thrown into the mix.

Not replying to all messages from parents while at the same time not having the same blindspot for messages from their friends is very typical in teenagers. All three of mine did it. They are in their twenties now and through on the other side. At times of stress they still sometimes don't respond immediately (DD3 is currently in the middle of her finals for her degree at Cambridge). I don't expect it. They reply when they have time and I don't pester them as they are already stressed.

I'm afraid that you have unfairly added to your DD's stress and although I can sort of see what may have driven it, you need to apologise unreservedly to her. She's in the middle of important and stressful exams and didn't need you losing your shit there. I'm afraid I would be frosty with you too.

My ds is taking his GCSEs too. He gets snappy or monosyllabic the day before an exam he is worried about. I can tell when his stress levels are rising.

I make him favourite food for supper, or make him a hot chocolate before bed, and try not to react to his surliness. He's two weeks in and each Saturday morning he has apologised for being grumpy the previous week.

His exams end on June 19th which seem a huge amount of time to me. I'm sure ours weren't so stretched out.

I'm going to bite my tongue, cut him some slack and be as supportive as possible until they are all over. Then address any issues, once the pressure is off.

Not sure I can add to the brilliant advice offered here already but sending solidarity as a mum of two autistic teen girls - it’s brutal! One thing I find that works well to diffuse the teen attitude is using humour. If they’re being unbearably rude, I will mimic them Catherine Tate style and it often works to get a smile and snap them out of it. I’m usually able to rationalise this as teenage brain development which helps not to take it personally (most of the time!).

I think, whilst there is a lot of good advice ref the historic abandonment issues etc, some people are so self absorbed i.e your teen. Not all people are nice, and ill bet she'd never dream of using that level of contempt with her friends or teachers. Apologising only feeds the teens control of this situation.

I'd have flipped too Op. Exams or not. If shes not willing to talk, behaviours have consequences.

Apologising only feeds the teens control of this situation.
Honestly terrible advice. You don’t have to be 100% in the right or 100% in the wrong. That is teaching your children terrible lessons and making your relationship about ‘winning’ the argument and keeping power rather than moving forward.

You can absolutely apologise for the way you handled the situation and your timing, whilst still maintaining that dds behaviour is unacceptable.

You're not your mum. Another vote for getting some support to go through what happened back then for you, and how it has affected you going forward, and what is coming up now for you. Nothing like kids to bring up your own shit from childhood. The goal is to stay present and stay connected and remember that she loves you even if her actions are saying everything but.

Teenagers are tough, they really are, and she's being a teenager. It's a huge transition for both of you. If in response to her you are withdrawing, she's then feeling unsure of your love and support, doubles down, which makes you withdraw more, and then you've got yourselves into a bit of a cycle. Remember you're the adult, and you take the lead.

She's literally losing her mind at the moment, GCSE's are a horrid time, she needs all the love and support you can give her at the moment, but that doesn't mean you need to be Mary Poppins dancing around with a permanent trray of muffins trying to placate her.

I would be honest with her. Tell her that you are so sorry about the row, that you know that even though she's growing up she still needs you, maybe more than ever. Tell her you didn't always have an easy relationship with Grandma, so you're going to look into ways that you can be the best mum to her that you can be, and if she's got any input on what that would look like for her you'd love to hear it. Tell her you know things are really hard for her at the moment and you'd love to draw a line and start again. Fresh starts are your friend.

Re her approaching her dad because she knows he'll say yes, that's the oldest trick in the book. I wouldn't worry too much about that, it's standard. I clearly remember wondering who was most likely to say yes to the request I had in mind, and waiting until that person got home to ask them. You can do this.

There should be a simple fix to your DH being a yes man to your DD, tell him that whenever she asks him for something, he is to run it by you first so you can discuss it and be on the same page.
Do you know the friends having the sleepover? This usually means a 'no sleep' night, so they are useless the next day, so that is the whole weekend gone, and their sleep pattern messed up, all in the middle if exams. I'd wonder if they are school friends if it's a cover story. Is she seeing someone, or could she be? DC's do OLD these days, which must be a worry, and is a minefield - enough to cause grumpy moodiness.
Coroberate that this is a real party. Obviously, your DH has elected himself to do the 2 hour drive, given he said yes , so it's on him. If the return clashes with plans, I think it's reasonable in daylight hours to inform her that, if she goes, she can expect to have to use public transport to return, or get a lift from someone else.
It's not always about saying no, I get the feeling that that might have become your default, but sometimes yes with conditions, is more reasonable and keeps them safe.

Of course OP should apologise. If my husband pissed me off by doing something irritating and I shouted at him, I'd apologise afterwards.

Shouting is horrid and no-one deserves to be shouted at for "behaving badly" (although tbh I can't really see what DD has done that wrong in that particular scenario - it would have really irritated me if my DM had kept asking me how my exam had gone when I just wanted to forget about it). Sure, it happens sometimes because none of us are perfect parents or perfect humans - but it's ok - no, not just ok, important - to apologise to your kids when you realise you haven't handled things well.

I'm not sure I ever heard either of my parents sincerely apologise to either each other or to me after getting angry, and to be honest it really fucked up my first few relationships because I'd never learnt how to manage conflict appropriately.

It sounds like you don’t get on and neither of you enjoy interacting with each other. Telling her to sort herself out only confirms this. You need to find a way to coexist for the next couple of years until she moves out, but I would forget about a relationship tbh as this all sounds quite nasty and toxic - it’s really unfair to tell her you won’t “facilitate her” when she has no choice but to live with you and is trying to sit her exams.

We always said the aliens came and took my daughter away and replaced with a look a like devil child from the age of 13 to 17. Thank god she then came back to us. The rows we used to have , her just pushing the boundaries all the time, expelled from school, not liking me at all.
She is now 33 and we have a wonderful relationship just waiting for her to maybe go through the same with her 11year old daughter very soon

"I told her I was done with facilitating her lifestyle and that she could sort it out for herself from now on. " - Why would you think your daughter is only using you to facilitate her lifestyle? She's 16 years old, obviously it's your responsibility to facilitate her lifestyle, don't you think so?

If you feel she's treating you badly, then obviously you should speak with her. Explain to her what kind of expectations you have from her. Find out why she's not talking with you, maybe she feels she can't talk with you because you always criticise her? Or maybe there's something else.

Also, don't forget to apologise for your own behaviour, because obviously you overreacted and hurt her feelings too.