I've had a row with my dd and I don't know how to move forwards

[Noonelikesasloppytrifle]

My DD is 16 and is sitting her GCSEs so I can appreciate that it is a stressful time for her. I feel like we've had an issue which has been building for quite some time. Ultimately, I feel like she really looks down on me and pretty much hates me, with every interaction being a chore. I think I'd subconsciously reduced interacting with her because it was generally a negative experience. She wouldn't really respond to messages unless she wanted something and when she did I'd get one word answers. She stopped asking me for things, instead choosing to ask her dad (he generally just says yes to most things and doesn't actually do parenting). I've found it really hurtful and upsetting.

Her exams started last week and obviously I'd ask her how it went. Again this would be a one word response and if I'd probe any further I'd get snapped at. She said she didn't want to talk about it and was focussed on revising but she seems to be able to spend hours on the phone to her friends and spending time with them when she can. It's like everything she has here is second best and that I am constantly doing or saying the wrong thing.

On Friday, I lost it and really shouted. Told her that I was fed up of being treated like shit and only good enough to speak to when she wanted something. I told her I was done with facilitating her lifestyle and that she could sort it out for herself from now on. Things have been very frosty ever since and we have barely spoken. My natural response is to withdraw which I don't think is helpful but I also don't want to cause her increased anxiety over her exams. However, she has also made it clear that she doesn't want me to speak to her so I don't really know where to go from here.

Please tell me what to do.

Take your daughter to starbucks.you say sorry and you both think you need to change. Listen to what she is telling you about yourself what needs to change. My 14 ywar old stays in her room and goes out with friends. I ferry her around that's fine I know she's safe. But we have had discussions around disrespect etc.
Be nice don't bite. Give her space.
Respect that's she growing up.
I communicate with my teen via text as its less threatening

Logistics aside, it’s half term next week so even if this means a sleepless night, she still has plenty of time available to study. My year 11 dd sleeps on sleepovers btw. She wanted one last night with a friend but I said not the night before an exam. She and her friends have been having them regularly. They study together both days.

I think this was large part of it - the utter contempt she shows for me and I don't see it with other teens. For example, she had a massive competition for her sport a few weekends ago. It required a hotel stay, 8 hours of driving and obviously me being away from the rest of the family and having no weekends. Whilst there she barely acknowledged me, there were lots of other teens and they seemed to happily interact with their parents but it was almost like she is embarrassed by me.

I have being trying to let things go but last week I just flipped. I have been nice to her in the last few days to try and make things better.

The DH thing has really annoyed me. The plans we have this weekend involve family friends with children the same age as ours. Her not being there will be problematic as their teen DD will be there as well as obviously the disruption for the travel etc. DH needs to sort this out. It's just unnecessary though.

Thank you for all your advice. I am reassured that lots of this is normal teen behaviour. Realistically I know this is the case but I do have some standards and boundaries and she does need to learn that it's not okay.

But she also has boundaries and although some of this to a certain extent sounds normal your relationship does sound in danger of becoming toxic on both sides.

a certain amount of eye rolling and attitude is normal yes (I have one) but the not speaking and deciding to go to her father implies that it has gone beyond that - it shouldn’t need you to both be nice to each other

I agree with you. OP thinks only because her daughter is a teenager, she has no right to boundaries.

she acted like a teenager girl with her mother. They have to hate us a bit or they won’t be able to leave the nest. It’s practically evolutionary

you don’t notice the strife between other mothers and daughters but it is there. It might not be as big, but trust me, we are all taken for granted. We all get eye rolls.

for now, she needs to focus on exams. Put this to bed by apologizing for overreacting.

long term, work on letting the small stuff go. Ignore the snark. Ignore the eye rolls. Praise positive behavior. Watch for opportunities to share interests and spend time together. If the level of tension ratchets down, those opportunities will come.

When my dd was 15 she was having a hard time with her (then) friends, exams, etc. I was happy to listen ti her and try to help, but when she started shouting at me I told her I was her ally, but NOT her whipping boy! She is 18 now, still shouts at me at times but we have a good relationship, which she seems to appreciate
It's a fine line between being the person who is always there, and the person they take it out on! Try not to take it personally and keep talking x

Absolutely this.

OP do you always say no to your DD? I think after exams a sleepover with her Mates is exactly what she needs. Why would you not let her?

Your DD is not you. Your DD is not your mother.

She is an individual approaching adulthood. She is in the middle of GCSEs which is stressful as well.

She is behaving like a teenager because she is one.

If she asks you for something do you just say 'no' or do you discuss why you want to say 'no'? How do you think that makes her feel? She probably thinks she is being completely reasonable and then you say no, that can feel like a knife into the heart for a teen in the middle of GCSEs with hormones ranging and trying to keep up with friends.

'Can I have a sleepover at X's?' doesn't deserve either a 'yes' or a 'no' it deserves, "well we have planned to do A, B and C so it's difficult this weekend but why don't you invite some friends over next week?"

As a teen if I asked my dad for something he would tell me to ask my mum who always said 'no'. So I didn't ask, I just did things behind their backs.

I know you don't want your relationship with your daughter to be like the one with your mother, but are you trying too hard? And are you actually forming a relationship with your DD or are you trying to make it the ideal in your head?

Her relationship with you and your DH is going to develop over the next few years and this depends on all three of you.

Sometimes we make decisions that seem like a good idea but are based on our own up bringing. Eg my dad was one of three boys, as a child he hated getting clothes as presents.

So my brother and I never had clothes as presents. But my dad was never a teenage girl who would quite like to have clothes sometimes.

I know that's a small thing in the scheme of things but is just an illustration of when, "I will never do this to /with my child" can actually be a hindrance.

I know it is hard and they don't come with a handbook.

Lots of good advice here.

Separately your DH isnt helping at all.
You need to tell your useless husband to say "you need to ask mum" "i need to check with my mum" "let me think about that DD" <Then check with you> OR to just plain old THINK.

Former will be easier. Parrots can do it so shouldnt be beyond him.

Stop trying to get her to show love to you, and focus on how you show love to her. She is doing her GCSEs and will be stressed and worried, at an age when feelings like that are hard to understand and manage.

If I was you, I would apologise wholeheartedly for losing your temper - this is good modelling for her.

Then I would try to do something small and nice each day until GCSEs finish - make her a hot chocolate, ask her if she wants you to run her a bath, ask her if she wants to watch a light TV programme with you, ask her if she wants her favourite meal cooked on Friday, or if she wants you to help test her on her revision. Stop asking her questions when she is in emotional shutdown mode - you are asking for a bad response. Give her something she can appreciate, but that doesn't cost you much to give.

You can pick up any serious discussions after the GCSE period is over.

Draw the line at any overt rudeness by saying 'I know you are stressed, but that tone is not OK' and leave it at that. You don't have to win every argument today.

I agree with you 👍👏

Don’t beatify her and disrespect yourself! You were spot on to lose it with her and let her know you were an actual person with feelings.

Your DH is the problem. There shouldn’t be any sleepovers in the middle of GCSEs. They last around a month and she should be focused on work and sleep over that period (of course meeting friends for a walk/chat/sports is fine) and definitely not be drinking. Ultimately she is about to have about 11 weeks of total freedom; she should be able to focus for a month. If he undermines your parenting, it is going to be tough.

And FGS, don’t apologise for merely asking to be treated like a normal person.

A simple and good rule is to treat a teen like anyone else and think about what is fair in terms of a respectful relationship. They are half in and half out of childhood and should be at least half way to taking adult responsibility for their actions. Schools do this and it works.

A lot of family relationships go wrong, I think, when people think a teen can just be like a rude lodger and not interact with family respectfully, but still have everything laid on for the (‘cos they teen and brain not work, hormones etc’). The reality is that they are actually being rewarded (how often is Starbucks suggested when a mother has a row with a rude teen?!) for awful behaviour. Adults would shout at their bosses at work if they were then apologised to and given a raise to keep them happy! We all look at how our actions are dealt with and respond appropriately. In other cultures rude teens just aren’t a thing at all.

My eldest was awful at that age. It happened almost overnight. She could barely be around me without saying sometimes hurtful or rude. It was such a tough time. She’s now in her second year at uni and calls me all the time for advice or a chat. Lots of hugs and we have a strong bond again. But at that time I really felt like I didn’t like her at all (it was obviously the behaviour I didn’t like but when you’re in it it feels like it’s the person!)
Your dh definitely needs to be on your side. He cannot just say yes to every request from her just for an easy life.

I apologise to dd if I lose the plot and shout, because I try to model good behaviour and that’s not good behaviour. You’re not apologising for expecting to be treated well, you’re apologising for shouting or saying hurtful things. If she’s rude to me it goes best if I stay calm, tell her she’s being rude or hurtful and ask her not to be. She’ll come and apologise to me then.

@Porageeater ,

Obviously it depends on what you shout but, objectively, the OP wasn’t hurtful, so she has nothing to apologise for.

Everyone is an individual and if apologising for you brings forth contrition and a better attitude, then that’s great. But, on the whole, people respond to subconscious cues, as well as what is said.

If when I behave like a brat I get a quick shout then an apology (and even a treat), then I see selfishness as a good life strategy. Sometimes what schools say is ‘look for something to praise’. Everyone needs praise and support but the key isn’t to praise (or even accept) poor behaviour, it is to sanction bad behaviour every single time, but make sure to look for, praise and reward good behaviour (even small things).

I model for dd how I expect her to behave