This is cheating, isn’t it?

[cherrypie99]

Changed my name for this as the thought of anyone in my life finding out about this is beyond humiliating.

For some background, DP and I have been together for 4 years. We have a good relationship, live together and no problems. Our sex life is good and we both are happy with the other watching porn, but imo this crosses a line.

DP has an old friend who moved up north who he seen in several years but they message occasionally. This friend has been engaged for about a year, and neither of us have met this woman but from what we’ve been told she used to do some sort of Only Fans/nude pics. DP follows her on Instagram, which is public and I can see that her posts on there are PG.

I found out today that DP has searched her full name followed by “only fans”, “only fans free” etc on google images - he wasn’t trying to find her on the website to pay for it or anything as far as I can tell, but was trying to see the pictures on google. He searched her full name and Instagram handle multiple times, so clearly reallyyyy wanted to see these pictures.

I know we haven’t met her before and him and this old friend don’t speak often, but I feel so betrayed he would seek out this kind of content from someone he knows of in real life. He doesn’t come home from work until about midnight and the thought of sitting here stewing about this for that long is killing me, he’s always been so trustworthy and I never ever thought he would hurt me.

I know it’s a bit of an odd situation so most people won’t have similar experiences but if anyone has any advice I would really appreciate it. Feeling really sad knowing this is probably the end of our relationship.

Sorry, who he hasn’t seen in several years *

It's not cheating, in my view, but it's seedy and disrespectful behaviour.

I think curiosity is a significant factor here. I would want to see my friends girlfriend - just for nosiness.

I dunno he's probably just being nosey
I think if an old friend told me they were dating some bloke who had done some modelling of whatever I'd probably have a neb too

It’s not cheating, but it would massively hurt my feelings and change how I viewed him.

I wouldn’t call it cheating but I also wouldn’t put up with it. DH would get a first and final warning (and I’d mean it!)

Thank you everyone for responding so quickly!

Yes, I think that’s it. In my mind it feels silly to break up over it but it just hurts. I also don’t understand why, given we found out about these pics a year ago, why is he suddenly trying to find them now?

Yeah I'm also thinking this could be more curiosity than actually anything untoward although it's still quite disrespectful towards the girlfriend and he might feel strange about it if he does end up meeting her in person. I wouldn't class it as cheating.

It’s not cheating. If you are comfortable with porn you shouldn’t have an issue with this unless he fixates on her only then you know it’s something more than just any other porn fix.

"Yeah I'm also thinking this could be more curiosity than actually anything untoward although it's still quite disrespectful towards the girlfriend and he might feel strange about it if he does end up meeting her in person. I wouldn't class it as cheating. "

But equally I don't think it's unreasonable to feel uncomfortable about it and I'd absolutely talk to him about it.

Oh come on!! If one of my male friends had a new GF and she was on OnlyFans I would be having a right old nose online! I’d want to see all the juicy pictures! So would my DH in the same situation. Course you would look! I’d be thinking ‘ooh she must be really hot’ or I’d be tickled if she was some sultry sex pot and the friend was shy and retiring. I’d be so so curious.

How you can call this cheating is beyond me. It’s like my DH saying ‘You know my mate Pete from down the pub? Well he’s allegedly got a massive Willy and started doing nude modelling, the pictures are online.’ I’d be googling ‘Pete / big cock / Scarborough’ quicker than my little fingers could type. I don’t know Pete, I’m not having an affair with Pete, but I’d like a jolly good look.

If he's "just curious" about his mates girlfriend/fiancé & what she looks like etc. he can see her instagram posts as he follows her.

Not sure why his curiosity would mean he needs to see her tits... or more 🤔

Although this did make me lol 😆

Im curious about the difference that your DP knowing the women that are in the porn that he watches makes?

Well I can't say I would be thrilled about it but if I am honest I would probably do a search myself out of curiosity.

This did make me laugh, maybe it’s just me then. I have a friend from university who I know still does porn and I’ve never even felt tempted to look, although I suppose I can see why people might.

I think this also comes from a place of me not feeling myself lately for other reasons, so feeling less attractive etc. I don’t think he’s cheating or anything, I just don’t really understand why he’s become curious so long after we found out about it.

I think it’s worse than watching porn where there’s people he doesn’t know.
This sounds too close to home and that he is a bit fixated on her given how much searching he’s doing. What if he has an opportunity to meet her after he’s seen her pictures?
Not actually cheating but sleazy and creepy.

I don’t actively encourage him to watch it, but I work away sometimes and so it’s more of a if I’m away and he’s horny I don’t mind kind of situation.

And as much as I don’t want this to become a thread about that, I think it’s ridiculous to say there’s no difference between somebody watching a random video to get off vs them actively seeking out content of a specific individual that they know in real life.

I would have googled her too. I'd honestly not read into this that much.

Yes, I think that’s it. The fact that he already knows what she looks like and still searched means he finds her attractive, which is absolutely fine but the thought of us being at their wedding and sitting there knowing he’s thought about her naked is absolutely mortifying.

How did you find out?

Did you find out or were you looking?

Personally if my friend had a new girlfriend who was on only fans I would probably google it too, but I’m a nosey bugger!

If you found this out by complete accident, then I wouldn’t worry. If you were checking his history then I think I would be worried as something must have happened for you not to trust him.

I don’t think that’s true. I think curiosity would mean even if you found someone repulsive you’d probably have a look too (again I would look too, probably more so if I didn’t fancy them). It’s just being nosey.

I left my laptop at work so was using his to WFH and when you click on the google search bar the past 10 or so searches automatically come up. Admittedly I didn’t tell him I was going to use it but he gave me the password to work from it before and has never had an issue with me using it.

I wouldn’t Google it.

I wouldn’t want my husband to google it.

I’m not convinced about the ‘curiosity’ argument. I think male and female drives maybe quite different in these circumstances.

I’d not be happy. But I see this goes against the grain here..