This is cheating, isn’t it?

[cherrypie99]

Changed my name for this as the thought of anyone in my life finding out about this is beyond humiliating.

For some background, DP and I have been together for 4 years. We have a good relationship, live together and no problems. Our sex life is good and we both are happy with the other watching porn, but imo this crosses a line.

DP has an old friend who moved up north who he seen in several years but they message occasionally. This friend has been engaged for about a year, and neither of us have met this woman but from what we’ve been told she used to do some sort of Only Fans/nude pics. DP follows her on Instagram, which is public and I can see that her posts on there are PG.

I found out today that DP has searched her full name followed by “only fans”, “only fans free” etc on google images - he wasn’t trying to find her on the website to pay for it or anything as far as I can tell, but was trying to see the pictures on google. He searched her full name and Instagram handle multiple times, so clearly reallyyyy wanted to see these pictures.

I know we haven’t met her before and him and this old friend don’t speak often, but I feel so betrayed he would seek out this kind of content from someone he knows of in real life. He doesn’t come home from work until about midnight and the thought of sitting here stewing about this for that long is killing me, he’s always been so trustworthy and I never ever thought he would hurt me.

I know it’s a bit of an odd situation so most people won’t have similar experiences but if anyone has any advice I would really appreciate it. Feeling really sad knowing this is probably the end of our relationship.

I wouldn't be happy if my man was looking up a friend on her only fans page that to me says he fancies her and wants to see her naked. It's different if you were sat together and said ooh let's be nosey and look but the way he's done it I wouldn't feel comfortable.

I'm sorry but I can't be this cool wife that some are clearly least I'm honest tho lol

Yeah, I’m leaning towards not being okay with it but now I’ve calmed down I think my title/calling it cheating may have been a bit dramatic, but I know I can be sensitive.

The replies have made me feel better as I can see it from another perspective, but regardless I’m still not happy and do think it is disrespectful- both to me and his friend. We will be having words later, that’s for sure.

I don't blame you tbh

Personally I think this is horrible sleazy behaviour.
However I am totally against porn and I struggle to understand why this upsets you so much when porn is acceptable in your relationship. You are OK with him viewing other women as sexual objects but you don't want him viewing this woman as a sexual object.

I've always considered that cheating involves some sort of touching or an emotional involvement that goes beyond normal friendship, but I really don't see what your partner L has done as cheating in any way. If I heard that one of my husbands friends had been posting pictures like that of themselves, then of COURSE I would try to find them. I would probably be nosey enough to look for photos of anyone I knew who had posted them online for all to see - it's just curiosity.

To be honest I don’t think there’s enough here to really act on

If he had found her account and subscribed, yes that crosses a line. But he stopped at just searching for her photos. So then you’re basically asking him not to search for that as it makes you feel uncomfortable. (And yes his searches are quite desperate) But simultaneously you’re happy with him seeking out porn. I don’t know, it’s just not super clear cut here.

I feel like in a way, only fans has become part of standard life as it’s not as underground or hidden like other “sex work”, it’s almost a social media platform in itself - some people don’t even post nude content on there. Some people just post the same things they post on other social media like the same bikini pics. I think your risk is, he’ll continue to do similar things in the future but just hide his search history as it’s engrained in society at this point. You’ll have to really get him to understand your pov

Same!

I think if she was an actual friend it would feel closer to the bone, but he doesn’t know her and has never met her, so she’s really just as abstract as any other porn actor - which you say you’re both fine with. Is the issue that perhaps you’re not actually fine with it?

If somebody you knew told you that their boyfriend or girlfriend was a model or actor of some kind, are you sure you’d definitely have no interest whatsoever in searching for them online? I absolutely would!

It's your relationship op and your boundaries so you get to make the rules. If you see it as cheating then it is for you. Do you think perhaps you aren't as comfortable as you first thought about porn? In your ideal relationship would your partner be seeking out sexual gratification via others?

It would be cheating in my relationship. Any behaviour seeking out sexualised content or activity that isn't with me is cheating in my relationship. That includes porn thirst traps celebrities etc. Obviously others have different boundaries We are all different.

Its certainly not a behaviour I would value in a partner. What's the purpose of seeing another person who isnt my partner naked? Curiosity seems a bit of a superficial answer. To search multiple times suggest a more than just curiosity what's driving that behaviour?

If its a friend I most definitely don't want to see them naked. So is this how he sees all women as sexual objects he is entitled to look at.

You're entitled to your feelings op. Listen to your gut.

Yep, exactly this.

Thank you for this. I don’t necessarily see it as cheating now, but it has bothered me. I’ll definitely be having a think about where my boundaries are and what exactly about it bothers me.

I’ve never really thought about him thinking about other women in that way, we don’t watch porn together and haven’t had extensive conversations about it, so we’ll talk about it and establish some boundaries. I don’t think he would physically cheat, but my ex boyfriend cheated on me with his friend so maybe that’s why it has hit close to home.

I suppose we’ve not really spoken about it much. I probably wouldn’t mind if he watched it while I was away, but again I’ve never given it much thought and definitely will need to.

I also don’t think it’s black and white, to me there’s definitely a difference between an occasional random video and seeking out one specific person, but everyone is different and there’s not necessarily a right or wrong answer.

I find the views you've expressed about porn in your relationship quite confusing.
In your opening post you say you are both happy for the other to watch porn. Later you say you don't actively encourage him and then later you say you haven't thought about him thinking about women in that way. Now you are saying you haven't discussed porn with him.
What I take from this is that your DH probably thinks there is absolutely nothing wrong with him searching for this woman on Only Fans because he will be assuming you will be equally as relaxed about that as porn.
What on earth do you think he is thinking about when he watches porn?

I agree with this. It’s not cheating imo, it’s curiosity. I mean it’s not edifying, but it isn’t cheating.

I think your partner just sounds nosey tbh! It’s popped into his head and he’s done some digging. I definitely don’t think this merits ending your relationship over (if it’s otherwise happy!)

Just because you wouldn’t do it doesn’t mean anyone else with a different opinion is dishonest.

The world doesn’t revolve around your morals and views

Doesn't revolve around yours either and I can have my opinion thanks.

I thought we could speak from our point of view. Clearly the poster isn't cool with what he did either...

Think it's best I come off this thread it's not worth my time tbh. Good luck op

Same here. I wouldn't class it as cheating. I'd also look her up because I'm a very nosey person.

I searched lewd content of people I know and I don't find attractive at all.
I even looked up few celebrities as I was curious what they did. Again, not attracted at all.
Idk I am curious if someone is just taking pics in sexy outfit, got tits out, is playing with vegetables or got fully blown porn out there.
If my friend was involved, I'd dig all the way to Moria.

I think he's just being nosey not cheating, i think you are over reacting x

I always laugh at women on MN saying they're nosey too on threads like this.

Men don't search stuff like this out, out of nosiness.

They're different from you, get it. Their cock and balls is the first clue.

I wouldn't be happy if my man was looking up a friend on her only fans page that to me says he fancies her and wants to see her naked. It's different if you were sat together and said ooh let's be nosey and look but the way he's done it I wouldn't feel comfortable.

Yep.

Yep, everything this.

Motivations and drives for men will (most likely) be different in these circumstances than the women on MN.

I agree