This is cheating, isn’t it?

[cherrypie99]

Changed my name for this as the thought of anyone in my life finding out about this is beyond humiliating.

For some background, DP and I have been together for 4 years. We have a good relationship, live together and no problems. Our sex life is good and we both are happy with the other watching porn, but imo this crosses a line.

DP has an old friend who moved up north who he seen in several years but they message occasionally. This friend has been engaged for about a year, and neither of us have met this woman but from what we’ve been told she used to do some sort of Only Fans/nude pics. DP follows her on Instagram, which is public and I can see that her posts on there are PG.

I found out today that DP has searched her full name followed by “only fans”, “only fans free” etc on google images - he wasn’t trying to find her on the website to pay for it or anything as far as I can tell, but was trying to see the pictures on google. He searched her full name and Instagram handle multiple times, so clearly reallyyyy wanted to see these pictures.

I know we haven’t met her before and him and this old friend don’t speak often, but I feel so betrayed he would seek out this kind of content from someone he knows of in real life. He doesn’t come home from work until about midnight and the thought of sitting here stewing about this for that long is killing me, he’s always been so trustworthy and I never ever thought he would hurt me.

I know it’s a bit of an odd situation so most people won’t have similar experiences but if anyone has any advice I would really appreciate it. Feeling really sad knowing this is probably the end of our relationship.

You tend to have to meet a person to be able to cheat with them.

OP, I would feel exactly the same. This would hurt, and I would have to challenge my partner about this.

I know you've come on here for support - but one person's ' totally reasonable' is another person's 'deal breaker'. And I would listen to your own needs and gut feelings as to how to proceed.

For me: I would feel this is cheating on some level. Ofcourse it's not physically cheating, and the whole porn debate is a whole other thread topic... But for me and my personal boundaries with a partner, there's a difference between being human and being innately attracted to other humans beyond your partner, and taking action / acting on those attractions.

And for me, I would take this that he has proactively taken a step / action influenced by his desire / attraction to another human being. Its the fact he took the step - he's been searching for her. And he knows her.

It's playing with fire, and it's dangerous as - even though it's a small step in itself - it's a step in the direction of disrespecting your relationship, not thinking about you, taking action on an attraction.

I would confront him. If he's a good guy with morals he will feel bad about it anyhow and be honest. You can have a discussion, it may be uncomfortable etc but through that discussion you can come closer together from it and build more trust in the long run. He may - like other posters - reassure you that there was no sexual interest on his part and it was more funny curiosity etc.

If he's defensive or inconsiderate of your feelings I think that tells you a lot about who he really is.

If you don't say anything and quiet your own feelings you will feel insecure and bitter in the long run. He's your partner in life - your chosen person. You should feel safe to be open with him about this, even if it's uncomfortable. I think it's totally fair that you don't like this. He knows her! He should know that's a boundary not to cross.

😂 I’m not sat on my high horse with mine but go off I guess

There is so much research to back this up. It's not so much biology or men are more visual (that's actually been disproved)It's more mens socialisation from a young age and formed habits.

If you understand the brain a repeated habitual task creates a neural pathway. A vast amount of men and boys have been watching pornography from sometimes 8 years old upwards daily for years. Then when we look at adult men who have been doing that for 20,30 years,longer. The same way we make a cup or tea or drive without overly thinking we autopilot. Without it being a conscious decision.

We are seeing this with screen addiction and social media addiction just picking up your phone without thinking about it you're on Facebook you're scrolling. It's become a autopilot behaviour and worryingly a self soother. It numbs you out distract you takes you away from your environment. That's exactly what we see with pornography and sexualised imagery. So that's not to say no man ever isn't going to be nosy but that sexualised imagery platform/video is so intrinsically linked to a autopiloted behaviour and viewset that lots of men/boys absolutely have been programed to see women as sexual objects. It taps into that old familiar neural pathway that registers in the brain and offers up dopamine. We even see the part of searching for sexualised image/content also lights up the brain if you've followed that up for 30 years with masturbation and orgasm. That's what your brain assumes is going to happen. Without you necessarily being aware or planning that behavior. The brain activity lights up the same way as a brain on cocaine.

Men overall engage with sexualised material very very differently to how women do.

Your mate tells you his new Mrs did onlyfans/porn/is a sex goddess. You dk whether he's a bullshitter or not. Either way you wanna see if it's true and what she looks like. So you Google it. You don't go to only fans and try and buy anything. It's just curiosity.
I'd say that's definitely not cheating. I don't even think it's that disrespectful. Esp. as you both look at porn separately and are cool with it.

I see your point OP but I agree with the Pete From Scarborough model I’m afraid.

I would totally look!!!! I wouldn’t be able not to even though my reaction would 100% range from EWWWWW to omg I can’t believe that’s someone I know in RL.

I definitely would not link the wanting to look with him finding her attractive or not. He might of course, but I’d automatically assume morbid curiosity first.

Hmm, I'd be a bit miffed. But people are nosey buggers. I actually did it. There's a young woman near us, and I was talking to a colleague about her cool car. And I was thinking she may be a surfer/snowboarder as she goes away a lot, certain stickers on her car etc, etc. Anyway, colleague says she's on only fans. I was very intrigued. So had a look 😂.
I think my boyfriend might be curious about that search history hehe.

Very interesting responses to this thread! I'd never ever search for sexy photos of a man I knew, I'd feel so disloyal to my DP. But it's interesting that so many of you would without thinking twice. Different strokes and all that!

Did you chat with him about it OP?

I agree. We already know he is into porn and it will be along the same lines.

IMO.. l think he's being nosey to see what kind of woman his friend is dating . Just curious.. because of what she's done.
If he's a good mate l don't think he's getting off on looking

Somebody clearly hasn't sexted, or exchanged "noods".

There are also emotional affairs, which are very much cheating.

l think he's being nosey to see what kind of woman his friend is dating.

He can see that with her clothes on.

What is it about seeing what "kind" of woman she is, that requires explicit photos exactly??

Nosiness .... You're projecting much more typically female behaviour & motivations onto men. That is extremely unlikely to be their motivation.

I don’t see this as cheating either, and if I’m brutally honest, I’d prob search and have a look too, and I’m a straight woman, I’d do it out of nosiness and curiosity to see what she’d been doing. A lot of people would.

mahbe I’m wrong but I think you’re taking it as he fancies her and wants to see her naked, and so you’re jealous and insecure, when honestly he might just be having a nose.

I don’t really see the problem. It’s not cheating at all. Probably just curiosity.

on the other hand, you being away is no reason for him to look at porn. It’s not necessary. He presumably has an imagination.

My next door neighbour was always conducting photoshoots in underwear, which I could see from my window.

Coupled with the fact she is gorgeous, and had bought a ton of new purchases like a car recently, I guessed she might be on OF.

Out of curiosity, I googled her. She was on OF, and I looked at the photos I didn’t have to pay for. I’m straight. I’m just nosey.

I realise it’s different with your DH, but it could just be curiosity. I wouldn’t be overjoyed but I don’t think it’s cheating.

It's not cheating in my view. If porn is on the table then this has to be too. What's happened here is that it's hit a point where you've become uncomfortable so it's time to have a reasonable conversation about boundaries:

"Listen, I noticed you looking up (whatever her name is) and I get that it's porn and we're both OK with this but it's feeling a bit close to home for me. How do you feel about that?"

See what he says. Boundaries can always be changed with communication but it's totally logical that he might see this as completely within the scope of what's allowed.

For the record, I'm in the camp of people who would be curious. For me, she's not a close friend (and neither is he really) or someone who's present in your lives so I'd definitely be having a nosey.

Also, for the people focusing on the repeated searches, I think it's a bit much consider it as fixation. Trying a couple of variations of wording to find something in the space of a few minutes isn't unreasonable. All you can see is some grouped search results, it doesn't mean he's been sitting night after night chasing this woman down.

Sorry, posted on wrong thread!

You've had an initial gut reaction to it and gone over-dramatic about it. At least he wasn't after paying for it, just being nosy.
This is a friend he hasn't seen for years, even since moving nearer, so is he likely to be invited to any wedding? It might not get as far as marriage yet anyway.
Maybe you are less ok with porn than you claim to be. It's a bit unrealistically hopeful to think that someone who watches porn will only do it when you are working away from home. A man is a porn-watcher or he isn't. They do it when at a lose end and that will be regardless of you being there or not. Women attribute reasons they could see themselves watching porn to when it's acceptable for their men sometimes. But really, they do it when bored or to see something different, not because they can't get it at the time from their partners, and to hope it's just a substitute for being unavailable is being in denyal of reality.

So many red flags here. Time to reconsider your relationship and move in. Consult a lawyer and get your finances in order. He is cheating and it’s only a matter of time before he tries to shag her. You deserve so much better than this.

Ooh, who wouldn't fancy a bit of Pete-BigCock-Scarborough? That'd be a great new username too

Definitely not cheating, and I don't think I could get worked up about it. He's just being nosy surely?

Is this a serious response? Also, where are the other red flags that constitute the "so many"? All I see is the search for a persons OnlyFans. That's a single red flag, and even then it's up for debate judging by the breadth of responses so far.

The sneaking, the lying, the porn fetishism, the objectification of women, the desperate need for wank fodder…

Stretching the facts quite a bit there and throwing in a lot of assumption but ok.