Am I being unfair or would this put you off?

[Owenisland244]

Been seeing a man (45) for about a year.
He's 9 years older. He initially told me he was 2 years younger than he is and confessed a couple of months in.
I let it go, thinking he was a bit insecure (and wondering what the point of knocking only 2 years off was).

He is a widower with a number of teenage kids.

He says he would like more kids, my Mum told me he's telling me what I want to hear.

I have now discovered that he's been lying by omission about taking heart medication and representing what his son told me was a heart attack, as something very minor that was due to stress. He didn't say the words heart attack at any point and I didn't get the impression it was one.

I found out about the medication because he was in hospital for something minor and totally unrelated, and a nurse mentioned it. He realised she was going to and tried to get me out of ear shot by asking me to go and get something for him, but didn't do it fast enough.

He has told me he had a family history of heart problems but that anyone in his family who's gotten checked out and taken medication, has done fine.

In addition to this, he is a smoker to; but he said he wanted to give up. I organised smoking cessation for him, which he attended and was very enthusiastic about, but he is still smoking. Probably not as much but ...

He seems to reach for a cigarette every time he has, even minor, stress - which is often, given he has teenage kids.

Am I being unfair to feel he's not a great candidate for having kids with, and be irritated by the lying (and the fact he isn't giving up smoking)?

A 45 year old smoker who's already had one heart attack, and has form for lying to you.

Sounds like a right catch.

A full-time parent who already has a number of teenage kids.

IMO you are right to have serious doubts about this man.

Added to this the icing on the cake - he has lied and misled you more than once.

Oh and a smoker!

Your life will probably become tip-toeing around his stress and trying to organise him into sorting his life out. Forever.

No thank you.

You have caught onto two lies so far, and you are only one year into the relationship.

He is 45, full time parent to a few teenagers.

Chances are he does not want more children, but he might be looking for someone now to help parent these children.

Have a good think about this one OP.

Sounds like you’ve got the ick.

Are you only dating g him because you hear your clock ticking and you want a child?

You sound like you no longer trust him.

what are his redeeming qualities?

Lol.

Well, when you put it like that.

I still don't know what to make of the episode he had. He refers to it as something minor, due to stress. His son called it a heart attack, but I could see he was being a bit malicious/provocative.

(Not to me, his sons are fine to me...but you know how kids esp boys can sometimes be a bit malicious and pisstake-y to parents. Like I think he enjoyed drooling his Dad in it with his younger gf.

But would someone be out on beta blockers for something minor/as a preventative?

but he might be looking for someone now to help parent these children.

They're pretty much up, heading to uni etc.

I'm not the sort to parent other people's kids, that's their job.

High blood pressure perhaps?

There's no point in organising smoking cessation for someone in the same way there's no point in giving someone a diet sheet or taking them to AA. They have to want to do it themselves.

He's lied to you. He's jeopardising his own health knowing he's the only parent his children now have.

He's making false promises to you about having children. Why would he want more children when his are in his teens and when he hasn't got good health?

what are his redeeming qualities?

Committed, reliable, sometimes very supportive and in your corner, devoted Dad etc.

There's no point in organising smoking cessation for someone in the same way there's no point in giving someone a diet sheet or taking them to AA. They have to want to do it themselves.

I get your point, I really do .... But he seemed to be very busy with family stuff, a bit clueless about how to access services like that (whereas I used to work in a healthcare trust) and seemed genuinely enthusiastic.aboit wanting to stop.

But he hasnt fully stopped.

Why would he want more children when his are in his teens and when he hasn't got good health?

He said he loved kids, that he would like more kids he doesn't have to raise on his own and rush through it, as such. And he hasn't admitted he's not got good health/doesn't seem to see it that way so ..

He wants a nurse/nann. Nobody wants more kids in their mid forties when they already have young adults.

See all the threads on here by stepmums who thought they woudn;t have to parent nearly grown up kids but are doing it anyway.

When my mum went to smoking cessation clinic it was definitely a cut down process first before ceasing.

Having said that, I'm 44 and already have kids, and I think I'd still be throwing him back due to the lies.

Nobody wants more kids in their mid forties when they already have young adults.

For the sake of argument, there are plenty of examples of men on here who dumped/moved on from posters and had more kids in their 40s or older with new partners. Some of them accept it as a compromise for having a younger woman as a partner, and some like to think of themselves as still young - with young kids, rather than moving in the direction of retirement and "past it".

These reasons you have cited aren't very good reasons for having more kids, no?

Pfft. Read your post back OP. Ffs get rid.

Agreed, but the point I was responding to wasn't really about their reasons .... It was just that "nobody wants more kids on their 40s". Some clearly do.

When my mum went to smoking cessation clinic it was definitely a cut down process first before ceasing.

The cutting down doesn't seem to get to "none" and seems to go up again.

I also only see him a couple of times a week atm so who knows how much he's smoking when I'm not there.

People are highlighting points which may be of a concern, but you are defending every one of those points.

Are we not reading your original post correctly?

Do you have any DC's yourself yet? Better crack on if you want DC's, but not with this man - a very poor candidate, and if heart disease runs in his family, do you want his genetics either? Have you seen proof of what his age is now as you might find he's knocked more than 2 years off? He seems to have poor health for his age, given that he was also in hospital for something else.
I very briefly dated someone who'd had a heart attack at 45. He had history of smoking but had also got to a decent comp level cycling prior, so thought it unusual. All became clear when his odd behaviour one evening fitted in with coke use. Thought back and realise there were times when his voice sounded more nasal. He was dumped instantly, for the odd behaviour and coke use - and I suspect some dealing. Just wondered if it could be a possibility as it's rife in certain areas?
Betablocker use tbf doesn't say much, people take them to manage anxiety sometimes, other than heart rhythm issues.

Some do want more children. Some look after the ones they've already got and put them first when they've suffered a terrible loss. They wouldn't smoke after having a heart attack because they'd be terrified of leaving their children parentless.

Knowing they'd lost their mum and now their dad had had a heart attack must have been really frightening for the children. He can't even be bothered to look at how to stop smoking.

Throw him back. He's just telling you what you want to hear.

I very briefly dated someone who'd had a heart attack at 45. He had history of smoking but had also got to a decent comp level cycling prior, so thought it unusual. All became clear when his odd behaviour one evening fitted in with coke use. Thought back and realise there were times when his voice sounded more nasal. He was dumped instantly, for the odd behaviour and coke use

Fuuark.

No, it's not a possibility for this man.

I got as far as lying about the age.

Absolutely fucking no.

Leave now. You're worth more than this.

do you want his genetics either?

That is another thing.

But then you feel a bit eugenic-y. We have genetic conditions in our family so ..

To be honest, the smoking itself would be enough for me to to break it off. I am very anti-smoking.