Am I being unfair or would this put you off?

[Owenisland244]

Been seeing a man (45) for about a year.
He's 9 years older. He initially told me he was 2 years younger than he is and confessed a couple of months in.
I let it go, thinking he was a bit insecure (and wondering what the point of knocking only 2 years off was).

He is a widower with a number of teenage kids.

He says he would like more kids, my Mum told me he's telling me what I want to hear.

I have now discovered that he's been lying by omission about taking heart medication and representing what his son told me was a heart attack, as something very minor that was due to stress. He didn't say the words heart attack at any point and I didn't get the impression it was one.

I found out about the medication because he was in hospital for something minor and totally unrelated, and a nurse mentioned it. He realised she was going to and tried to get me out of ear shot by asking me to go and get something for him, but didn't do it fast enough.

He has told me he had a family history of heart problems but that anyone in his family who's gotten checked out and taken medication, has done fine.

In addition to this, he is a smoker to; but he said he wanted to give up. I organised smoking cessation for him, which he attended and was very enthusiastic about, but he is still smoking. Probably not as much but ...

He seems to reach for a cigarette every time he has, even minor, stress - which is often, given he has teenage kids.

Am I being unfair to feel he's not a great candidate for having kids with, and be irritated by the lying (and the fact he isn't giving up smoking)?

They wouldn't smoke after having a heart attack

I agree but smokers always think they'll be the ones whom it doesn't affect, don't they. And I do know quite a lot of life long smokers who got to 79/80 etc.

💯- the minute I found out he’d lied for a couple of months he’d be gone.

People who can lie about something as important as their age can lie about absolutely anything in my experience.

If you’re wanting kids i would definitely advise finding someone with less baggage than Gatwick. Throw this specimen back and don’t waste even more time.

Why are you sorting smoking cessation classes for him?

If he wanted to stop smoking, he's a middle aged man, surely he's capable of sorting this out for himself?

If he's attending the classes just to please you then he's never going to actually quit is he?

You're at the dating stage now, say in a years time you move in together, a year after that you start trying for a baby (if living together goes well - you may hate living with a smoker), it takes 1-2 years to get pregnant, then 9 months of pregnancy. He'll be early 50s by the time the baby arrives and doing the primary school run when he's 60.

Is that what you want? Is that what your imaginary future child wants? A Dad who people will assume is her grandfather and who is likely to be dead when she's a child due to heart issues or lung disease.

I think you can do better OP.

You say a number if teenage kids, how many does he have?

Crikey.

Has he got a golden cock that satisfies like no other cock or toy ever invented?

I'd tolerate lies like I'd tolerate candles being held to my nipples.

People who can lie about something as important as their age can lie about absolutely anything in my experience.

At the time I thought it was almost endearing; that he was insecure and it seemed a bit silly. I was naïve, I suppose.

He's now been proven to be lying by omission about medication (though some people might argue it's not my business?) and clearly tried to get me out of the way when it was going to be discussed.

Its all a bit sneaky and immature, at best.

No lol.

Interesting analogy with the candles 😂

So he is heading towards late 40s. Health conditions and has teens. I really don't see that as being fair on anyone.

Why on earth would he put himself back to sleepless nights, toddler tantrums and relive teen years when 63+?

Honestly I would guess he is either delusional or humouring you. Do you really want to co parent with someone who will possibly have grandchildren alongside teens?

Are you prepared to be a carer and pretty much sole parent. Whilst he has the escape to adult time with his children while you wrangle a small child?

I have yet to see this situation go well. Plenty in it but they are basically parenting alone.

Good grief run as fast as you can
Liars never change ever!

Lots of good points.

I suppose I'm being a bit unrealistic (and he's being a bit selfish (cause he wants a younger woman he fancies)).

My dd is on beta blockers for Essential tremor, so they aren't always used for heart issues.

The trouble with lying, you never know if they have actually told you the truth when you've pushed, or just another lie. Honesty is a fundamental for a good relationship imo

He wants a younger woman sure..
One he fancies.. sure..

One that'll run around after him when his body fails.. one that he can lie too and she'll stay.. one that wants thing he can promise.. one that will expect that young woman to give up her life to the point her existence revolves around him, his issues, his health, his appointments, his care, his lies.

If that's the life you want to sign up for, make sure you do so knowingly and with eyes open that you're a convenience to him and will never really be a 'partner' to him, just a mum.. to him..

FUCK THAT VERY MUCH

This probably isn't helpful but I can understand the resentful comment dropping by the teenager.
I'm an adult but my Dad has threatened me a few times over the years "Do not tell GF about X/Y/Z"
Kids have all the dirt...

Are you in love with him, OP? Do you have fun together, get along well, share the same outlook on life?

Apart from the lying, which is a deal-breaker for most people, and just addressing whether kids are a good idea. He has health problems associated with stress and he smokes. A baby in the mix doesn't sound sensible.

Cannot get my head around posts like this.

"A number of teenage kids"?

He's old, knackered, a smoker and a liar.

Raise your standards.

If you want children don't waste these prime dating years on this one.

I personally think you are mad to even consider a relationship with him, but if you want to go for it, it's your life and you have to live it.

Exactly what i thought

In the early months, yes - but I'm thinking maybe that was the honeymoon period.

Thanks for your posts - a lot of pertinent points, taken on board..

Oh he had a look of pure mischief with maybe a slight edge of malice on his face lol.

I almost felt sorry for his Dad. He does run around after thenm ike nobody's business, so a little bit of youthful ingratitude there lol.

There are better men you could mate with. Dump this one and keep looking.

He's stroking his ego by being with a much younger woman and telling you what he thinks you want to hear.
He won't have the energy or health to raise another generation of children.
He will, however, be looking for a nurse with a purse - you will be his ego boost, then his carer.

We had one... a baby and teenagers ready to leave home.

But I wouldn't with this guy. No.

For a start he needs to be honest about his heart condition. Ask to see his hospital diagnosis. Also the sneaky behaviour of trying to shield you from overhearing what the nurse said to him in hospital is a huge red flag.
It looks like casual lying is part of his M.O and, from experience, that never gets any better.
You are young and really don't want to saddle yourself with an untruthful and unhealthy middle aged smoker who is happy to have you run around organising things for him.
Your Mum is right, he's telling you what you want to hear. Listen to your Mum!

Every bit of this.
A walking time bomb.
Would you like to be left with a baby while being his carer?
His children away at University and you dealing with his complex health issues?
45 and he has health issues, perhaps at risk of a stroke?
You would be out of your mind to stick around. Your mother is right.
In my experience men do NOT want more children in their 40's/50's when they already have them. It is said to hook younger women. Most men having babies again with teens look absolutely miserable.....I don't blame them either.