Is this friendship dead?

[Sadmum71]

I have a friend who I met when our kids were babies. We hit it off in a way I've never experienced, we seemed to have everything in common and spent loads of time together. As the kids grew older we've grown apart but always made time to see each other together, as couples and as families. She knows my kids better than anyone.

Recently though I just feel like she's lost interest. I've been through a hard time losing both my parents in recent years, struggling with menopause and my sister estranging herself from me. I may not be the bubbly bundle of fun I might have been... She attended both my parents funerals when no other friends came and I thought she was there for me but now I wonder if I got the wrong impression.

She has distanced herself. Is nice as pie but tells me she is busy with work and exams and tells me she can't see me until given dates. Then I see her all over SM at gigs and parties. I can take a hint, but I feel so hurt. Do I just sidle off or do I confront her? I have plenty of other friends, a supportive husband and lovely kids, but I really miss her... With my sister making out I'm the worst person alive I'm really concerned that there is something wrong with me.

Has your sister always been a bit "off" with you, or is this recent? Did your parents "divide and rule"? (Mine did, and it's why I'll never see my brothers again after our parents die - they have grown up believing that I'm "the worst person alive" based on nothing.) If the bad feeling between you and your DSis isn't new, there's no reason to link her behaviour with your friend's.

I don't know what your friend's problem is, but if she wanted to tell you, she would. Give it a couple of months and see if she initiates contact.

My sister has had issues with me for years. Just by being 5 years older I did everything before her and she was always jealous. She is now a bitter, narcissistic, childless woman who left me to care for our parents in their old age saying that she needed boundaries due to her childhood traumas... (a loooong story...)

Just talk to her gently. No need to fall out. If she's a good friend as you say, she will listen to you. If she doesn't and nothing changes, that's your answer. You deserve to surround yourself with people who love you.

I don't feel like friends are supposed to make you feel bad. Just be honest and open. See what happens.

Thanks, I don't really do confrontation, but then I wouldn't treat anyone like she's treating me. Tell your friend you're super busy studying and can't do anything socially for another 6 weeks, not even a coffee, and then post all your outings with other people on SM. It's a bit shit really, she must know I see it. I worry I've been too miserable and needy. That's not me generally but life has been difficult recently.

I think it does sound as if she's lost interest a bit - perhaps other friends and interests are occupying her time & head space. She perhaps doesn't intend to hurt you, but it doesn't sound as if you're much of a priority in her life at the moment. I'd probably not confront her, but I'd try to react realistically - pull back a bit and leave it to her (for now, at least) to initiate future contact.

I think this is the best thing to do. If you confront, she may pull away completely.

Concentrate on yourself and your other friends. If she contacts you, then good but if she doesn't you will know she is no longer interested.

I'm sorry, it is a horrible situation for you.

Not nice op had similar. I backed off completely. Think people not as loyal now with friendships. I think vague commitments to meet just let her off..

Yeah maybe @Mary46 I'm a bit of a faithful soul, a lot of my friends I've had at least 30 years! I've not experienced being a bit of a fad for someone else before.

I've been through a hard time losing both my parents in recent years, struggling with menopause and my sister estranging herself from me. I may not be the bubbly bundle of fun I might have been

It does sound like you've had a rough few years, OP. Is it possible that you've (perhaps inadvertently) been treating your friend like a therapist? Talking about your problems excessively and offloading a lot of negativity on her? Do you express an interest in her life and make an effort to do fun things together occasionally?

Friends should be there for each other through difficult times, but it can start to feel like a one-sided relationship when one friend is expected to be endlessly supportive. Maybe she feels like you've lost interest in her?

I do worry about that. She one of the few people who knows my family well so it might be that I've overburdened her. And telling me a date that she might be free after makes me feel like I've been too needy (I did only lose my mum last year). But I've not exclusively moaned on, she's had her own issues, though I have realised she does not share things with me in the same way and doesn't want to talk about things either. Sometimes I feel like I don't even know her anymore. There's a wall up that never used to be there. Because there are so many things going on in her life now which she doesn't involve me in that I can't keep up.

Sorry, this isn't really going anywhere conclusive is it?! All I know is it hurts. And friendship shouldn't hurt, but I don't really want to lose her from my life. But maybe it has fizzled. Maybe friendships that burn bright fizzle first.

I know is it hurts. And friendship shouldn't hurt, but I don't really want to lose her from my life. But maybe it has fizzled. Maybe friendships that burn bright fizzle first

I wouldn't be too quick to write-off the friendship. It really does sound like she became your ad hoc therapist for an extended period of time and you both forgot about the fun side of friendship - spending time doing something you both enjoy and sharing a few laughs.

I'd try asking her to do something fun while acknowledging that you've gotten into a rut and want to put all the negativity aside for a few hours and just have a few laughs. See if that resonates with her.

I agree with what @CulturalNomad.

I think your friend feels more like a therapist and is pulling back from that.

If it were me I’d be happy to see you but if you didn’t talk about your problems all the time.

There’s someone I know who’s a sort of school friend but drinks a lot and has been barred from a pub for drinking and bad behaviour and then went on about men and them not being great. I like her but prefer to spend time with her now with another friend who’s more light hearted.

I have a long standing friend who I am distancing myself from. She talks endlessly about the same issues. On and on. I have spent hours listening, giving advice when needed etc. However when I have difficulties she brushes them away with dismissive comments. She doest’t ask questions or show any real interest. I have also noticed that she doesn’t have any social skills.
We met up recently and she called me negative. Took my breath away as she is the most self absorbed , negative person I know. Perhaps you’ve been off loading too much and not reciprocating?

Perhaps you’ve been off loading too much and not reciprocating?

There's a reason that therapists often have their own therapists! It's emotionally draining to listen to other people's problems repetitively.

When we're going through a difficult time it's easy to lose track of how much we talk about ourselves and our problems, often in an endless loop.

perhaps you saw her as a sister replacement and a therapist and she didn’t want that? Next time you see her be fun and do something fun not sitting having coffee taking about serious things

Don't think you're wrong to feel hurt, but I also don't think your friend has done anything wrong?

People come and go and have different priorities according to life reasons.

Six weeks is nothing if you're not working together or have a physical reason to be in the same location.

I wonder whether due to your trauma from your relationship with your sister, you aspire to a level of closeness and long term connection that really isn't feasible in adult friendships?

Like you're looking for a new sister replacement or that 1-1 connection.

But really, most people don't have that emotional bandwidth apart from with partner or children.

I used to feel quite hurt and rejected (like you) when I felt there wasn't that longevity in friendships...but really it's quite common for either party to have reasons to move on or rejig their life and priorities? The only constant in life is change.

I've also had connections where the other party seems to get a bit too clingy and intense unfortunately...

For example, I've had ex-friends getting upset because I moved city.

Especially as I'm the "nice" friend and I am supportive and do things for people.

It felt like they wanted me there FOR them rather than for me.

Years on ..glad I ignored them. People come and go.

(absolutely NO reason for me to stay in a high Cost of Living area with bad memories, but they liked me "there for them".

It felt very selfish, especially as they had decent accommodation with significant family financial help which I didn't!).

It felt like they didn't want me to be thriving and moving on and were clearly showing it...

"Sometimes I feel like I don't even know her anymore. There's a wall up that never used to be there. Because there are so many things going on in her life now which she doesn't involve me in that I can't keep up."

It sounds like you're not happy with her for changing? Why shouldn't she change?

People have needs and problems and lives that extend beyond your connection with them, or your needs.

Maybe she's had some unhappiness/practical issues /financial concerns/wants to change career and needs to build up her networks for that.

Expecting to be automatically included in her new networks is a bit too much!

If you're more content and want to stay the same (nothing at all wrong with that, great you've achieved it !) then you will have less in common.

That doesn't mean you're wrong, just different people moving in different directions.

I'm sorry for all your family losses, and agree with pps...other friends, or develop ways of self-care and self-soothing? The only person you can rely on is yourself.

Step back from this friend without making a big deal about it.

I'd be appreciative of the support she's given you without expecting that level of support to be constantly available.

I have recently distanced myself from a friend who has been going through a hard time. She only really contacts me when things are bad for her and I felt enormous obligation to support her. Recently I have had terrible mental health, I told her that I needed to focus on myself as I was really struggling. She just said ‘ok’ and has not been in contact since. A real friend would have reached out to check on me the way I have every.single.week for the last two years.

This may not be you, but if you think you might have been a bit of drain you should acknowledge that and seek to redress the balance.

This is really hurtful OP but I truly believe that intense friendships need cooling off periods and i think you're in one now. Friendships wax and wane and I think in female friendships we struggle to clear the air effectively as there's so much emphasis on agreement and closeness in the way women are socialised- we don't learn how to have the difficult chats about friendship dynamics, which leads to hurt feelings when one friend needs a bit of space as its all done with unspoken distancing maneouvres like this. I would let this friend go for now, see her when she's free and have fun, put no pressure on things and you may well reconnect in the future.

There are different types of friends and maybe she finds your company less fun than others. Having a shared history with in depth conversation about your woes can be a bit like being around family and feel duty bound.
I have friends that I am more distanced from now circumstances have changed; I enjoy the company of new people with lighter connections.
I have found it hurtful at times when this has happened to me but friendship shouldn’t be a chore. I try to plan what I want to do then seek company in a casual manner. If you confronted me I’d break the friendship off I’m afraid.

Yes a bit of space might work. Find friendships can get intense. I met my friend today she does it well has few outlets so doesnt rely on one person. But agree op its hurtful too at times

OK. The consensus is I've been too needy and intense and possibly looked for a new sister (jeez...) I think I agree, in fact I feel lighter for realising this, thanks!
Not sure I can acknowledge this with my mate, but I will try and play it cooler and if the opportunity comes up try and suggest something fun for us to do...

Years ago - longer than I care to remember! - I went through a really painful relationship break-up. I was devastated and depressed and it consumed my every waking moment. I know I talked about the same things over and over but (thankfully) I did realize it was taking a toll on a close friendship. I had to make a conscious effort to put it aside and engage with my friend again on a more even keel. I think it saved my friendship.

Good luck, OP. Hope everything works out😀

I don't think is necessarily dead @Sadmum71 - might just need a bit of a breather. I think going to gigs (that may well have been booked months ago, if not a year ago) and pre-planned parties isn't the same as finding time for a coffee catch up when you're busy and don't have much left over, especially if the conversations/activities have got stuck in a bit of a rut.

It would be easy to project on to you some of the reasons why I slowly distanced myself from a long-standing friend. I haven't seen her for months now, and I don't want to, but I still think about it almost every day. It is the longest friendship I've had that has ended. I'm surprised by how much it has affected me really. I guess I had a lot of lessons to learn.

I wouldn't give up yet. Send her a short good luck message just before the exams. Then a week or so after that maybe a link to a local event/show/cinema with a 'fancy this? Hope the exams went well'. If the answer is no, then leave it a bit longer before trying one last time. Then ball definitely in her court. I wouldn't suggest an open ended when can you meet up for coffee or similar or anything that you host.

Please whatever you do don’t corner her drunk in the toilets at the fun event and unburden her with your problems again! ☺️. Keep it light, breezy and fun.

I think many of us have been on "both sides of the dynamic" (either the needy one or the one pulling away)

So theres no judgement, just what we've experienced from either side at different times

Like @kiwiane said, a lot of people now prefer keeping things light for their own well being.

Winter before last I felt as lonely as anything - It became a bit of a negative spiral with many bad experiences piling up

I was quite angry at others for not being there for me/felt rejected.

I didn't have anyone who I trusted enough to just be there for me 1-1.

I reached out to someone I thought I really got on with, who had been caring at times

and got a "see you in four months in a group" message! It stung a lot 😮

I had one relative but they were at a distance with their own issues.

I really got going with self-care, got ok with being solo and last winter was a breeze! Even though the one relative became even more difficult with timing!

I guess I ended up doing radical acceptance...accepting no-one was that interested in me that deeply, I couldn't change that...what could I do to help myself emotionally? It was a lot easier than trying to understand or rely on others.

I'm now enjoying meeting new people in a much lighter way (not looking for validation or support).

But I found it was just myself and taking time who sorted me out, no-one else.

Good luck OP.