Is this friendship dead?

[Sadmum71]

I have a friend who I met when our kids were babies. We hit it off in a way I've never experienced, we seemed to have everything in common and spent loads of time together. As the kids grew older we've grown apart but always made time to see each other together, as couples and as families. She knows my kids better than anyone.

Recently though I just feel like she's lost interest. I've been through a hard time losing both my parents in recent years, struggling with menopause and my sister estranging herself from me. I may not be the bubbly bundle of fun I might have been... She attended both my parents funerals when no other friends came and I thought she was there for me but now I wonder if I got the wrong impression.

She has distanced herself. Is nice as pie but tells me she is busy with work and exams and tells me she can't see me until given dates. Then I see her all over SM at gigs and parties. I can take a hint, but I feel so hurt. Do I just sidle off or do I confront her? I have plenty of other friends, a supportive husband and lovely kids, but I really miss her... With my sister making out I'm the worst person alive I'm really concerned that there is something wrong with me.

I’ve been you and I’ve been your friend and the friendships have ended in both directions. Now in hindsight, they were not healthy dynamics. I think you need to pull back in and take care of yourself for a bit. You have had a lot of grief.

I think I would send her a heartfelt message telling her you miss her, you know you haven’t been much fun lately and you hope that you can meet up soon. Then leave the ball in her court. If she doesn’t arrange anything then It tells you that the friendship has Died. Xx

As a PP said, you’ve had a lot of grief to deal with OP - are you seeing a therapist/counsellor? Support from our friends is important (and I’m glad that you’ve known some of them for over 30 years, that’s fantastic) but if your friend has been your main source of support then it might be too much for her. If you have some professional support, and lean a bit on your long-standing friends too, your friendship may well find a balance again after a bit of a break.

Now, I've had my 'realisation' I have been thinking about writing her a note @SunflowerTed - you reckon that's OK? Keeping it light, acknowledging I've been miserable and leaned on her too much and proposing a pub lunch or something when her exam is over.

Sometimes you can get in a rut with a friendship. My closest friend and I reached a point where whenever we got together, we moaned about work... and then one of her parents died, and I was going out with a wanker, and it reached the point where we were just sick of seeing each other because it just meant wading through negative shit.

We actually admitted that we couldn't be bothered with each other for a while, partly because we'd said things to each other that had seemed insensitive. It all felt like a bit of a minefield, so there was an element of damage limitation.

We let the water run under the bridge for a couple of years and then just picked up where we'd left off, minus the crap.

Life can muddle things, I'm glad we dropped out at the point we did. With a good friendship, you can let go of it for a long time and it doesn't just evaporate.

Sounds like she's busy enjoying life to be honest.

Gigs etc are planned in advance so you can't blame her for going. And work is work.

Could you organise a few trips - like concert/spa day or similar.

Maybe as you've gotten older you've just grown apart 🤷🏻‍♀️

Some friends are 'goodtime' friends - fine for a laugh but no depth. But it does not sound like she was like that with you. So yes think you probably, totally understandably, leaned on her too much as a result of a lot of trauma in your life. And she is trying to limit her exposure to that. If she's doing exams she may well want to go out and do fun things after blocks of revision, but be a lot less inclined for (yet) another heart to heart. It also sounds like she has said she'll meet after exams, so could leave her be till then, and make sure when you DO meet, you do not dicuss your problems. At all. Ask her about her exams. Focus on what she;s been up to. Keep it light. Make a real effort to recognise that it's not her role to be your unpaid counsellor. As others have said, many of us have been and had That Friend so don;t feel bad. BUt don;t feel hurt and rejected either. You have no idea what is going on with her, she may also have had hard times and have needed some distance for her own wellbeing.

But maybe she said the same thing to those people and booked those social activities 6 weeks ago?!

Could it just be that all this stuff is prearranged and she's just given you her availability? I would just meet up on one of the times she's given you and suss it out?

I've got a friendship from similar circumstances, kids the same age etc and it's been close but also sometimes it's overwhelming as I find her to be a bit negative and it gets to me. I'm not saying you are like that but if you've had an intense few years and have leaned on her a lot I would maybe try the bright and breezy approach for a while and see how it goes?

I think life is overwhelming for a lot of people in general so it can be hard to be supportive sometimes (just speaking for myself there)

Fair weather friend, innit. Lots of them around. I'd leave her to it, keep it casual, and one day karma will ensure she needs your support and you can decide then whether or not to give it. Maybe you did lean on her too much, maybe you didn't. Either way, rubbing your nose in it on social media is at best thoughtless, at worst cruel. The least she could have done is talk to you about how she felt.

This is such a strange post. This person is just living her life, presumably she is not tagging the OP in the SM posts.

The OP has expectations which the friend isn’t meeting. The friend isn’t on Earth to meet the OPs expectations, the friend has been there for the OP and the OP says she has other friends so it is time to focus on them for a while.

Confront. Your friendship is probably over. Ask her for brutal honesty and Hopefully learn something about yourself.

and take it all with a grain of salt. She is just one person and has her own experiences and stuff colouring her perception.

or take an easy start. ‘Hey, you couldn’t squeeze in a coffee, but you did…, what’s up?’ And know she is entitled to prefer to do the other things! Or she pre planned them.

but you’re making this relationship ending - so just confront.

and honestly it could be a tiff between your kids. That you don’t know about.

The thing about social media is that it’s SO misleading.
I remember when I was really struggling, my social media looked like I went out a lot with friends - but the truth is, I’d meet up in a public, loud place with this group of friends who were surface-friends with whom I never talk about anything deeply - I’d have a drink or something to eat, stay about 1/2 hour, and go home again. Just trying to be “normal” at all. They’d take photos or I would, and post them - again, just trying to have some kind of normal life when I was so exhausted and struggling.

I remember a friend at that time asking me why I wouldn’t meet him and I said - I don’t talk to these friends. I’m too close to you, and the only one I’m talking to about all this is my therapist.

I know that sounds bad, but sometimes it doesn’t help to talk - sometimes, it makes it worse.

I don’t think you’ve done anything wrong; I just also don’t think it sounds like there’s anything to worry about- I’d take her at her word, and not believe the social media stuff.

IMO the worst thing you can do is contact the friend specifically to explain things.

Wait until her next birthday or some event that gives you the excuse to send a card. Something along the lines of "have a wonderful birthday. Would be lovely to catch up and see how you're doing"

if all you do is contact her and mention the past, she'll misinterpret it as @Sadmum71 hasn't changed, she's still as heavy-going as ever.

just drop the past, leave it where it belongs and resolve to be positive, balanced (ie not excessively positive, that's equally tedious). Just be normal, take an interest, talk about a range of things outside of just you and it could repair things.

You sound heavy and full of woe. You might be leaning on your friend to much.

She is also probably really busy and may have organised her social diary in advance.

I think you should offer to meet up in her timeframe but mindful monitor your conversation to see if it's one sided or not.

If you care about someone then you make time for them.This friend is telling you in a kind way at the moment that she's not as interested now, probably its true she's busy with other things.If she's on sm going here, there then I think that's your answer.

Sometimes friendships move on, best to take the hint.Just move forwards and put those friends first that prioritise you.

OP I completely understand how you feel.

I have been through a lot of grief. I don't think I'm difficult to be around but I'm certainly not fun and carefree.

You're fucked either way. Either you are honest about how you feel and you're draining, or you put on a brave face which is exhausting and noone knows how hard things are.

Both are incredibly lonely places to be. It is a loss on top of a loss.

I know my friends do things without me because it's easier.

It doesn't sound like this is the case though.

I also know friends don't tell me things because it feels insignificant compared to my problems. That also hurts but it's also true.

People are only capable of being compassionate for so long and then get tired.

Give her a bit of space, I'm sure she'll be back.

I'm sorry everything is so hard for you. Some posters on here are being unnecessarily mean.

Sadly friendships don't last forever.😢

We form them because they are mutually beneficial at the time.

People change, grow, mature etc and what we wanted at 20 maybe isn't what we want at 30, 40, 50.

When I think about some of the people I was friends with years ago I cringe.

You have a lot going for you, so maybe capitalize on that ?

Oh dear, this is normal for me to book dates in months away as so much going on and I'm exhausted outside of that. It's absolutely nothing to do with my friends and family, and nothing wrong.
If they started cajoling me about more time, then I'd be annoyed.

I agree with this. I also think the way that OP speaks about her sister is quite telling. She attributes the sister's negativity towards her to jealousy, and also dismisses her sister's feelings around their parents. Also sneers at her for being 'childless'-what if she is childfree by choice? I don't think OP comes off all that well here and friend is maybe deciding that enough is enough.

This post is ridiculous! OP, take no notice of this bizarre post. I would be FURIOUS if a friend demanded to know why I had been to a gig when I said I couldn't meet for coffee. That is such an overstep it isn't funny. If you want to completely kill the friendship, follow this advice. Otherwise, no.

People show you who they are through their actions OP. If someone wants to be in your life they will be there, message, call, etc. Let go gracefully and see this as moving into an acquaintance type friendship.

She is now a bitter, narcissistic, childless woman who left me to care for our parents in their old age saying that she needed boundaries due to her childhood traumas..

Ouch, especially about the 'childless'.

Friendships do change dynamic.

If she is doing exams, it sounds as if she might have found a group of new friends connected with her studies that naturally take up social time.

Also if you have had gruelling times caring for parents, dealing with their loss and upset wrt your sister, is it possible you have leaned on her a lot? That meet ups have been about her listening to your problems? In which case she might be being careful with how much time she spends with you to protect her own energy.

You have had a hard time. And it’s natural to lean on friends , that’s what they are for.

But Have you also found time to congrats her in her course, wish her luck in exams, celebrate her kids’ achievements?

I would leave it a while then say you need to take her out for a drink to celebrate her exams being over… and make sure you do focus on her.

After that, see how it plays out.

I take it to mean, she always wanted kids but it didn´t happen for whatever reason. I was childless for many years, never child free.