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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Son's new girlfriend may be a fantasist - how to handle

101 replies

thedudescocktail · 19/05/2024 15:38

Hello, please help!

I am extremely close to my 20 year old DS and he has brought a new GF home who he's been seeing for a couple of months and she comes across as a fantasist.

She has told a lot of stories about herself, her past, her current financial circumstances and so on which are frankly implausible. Many of which are terrible circumstances (eg: landlord recently doubled her rent). Others just don't add up.

For example, she claims she is both in full time education doing a BTEC and also claims she has a full time job with a 60k salary aged 19! It all just seems like utter bollocks. Not least because she never appears to go to either work or school.

She also stayed with us for only 3 days, during which 3 or 4 huge dramas occurred. She was frequently running off to the bedroom because she just had some terrible news. It all just seemed not true!

I spoke to my son, who's a bit innocent, and he agreed it all sounded far fetched (as do his friends) but he says he feels trusting of her and very close to her and that he now feels he has to end the relationship because he feels spying on her or checking up on her seems deceptive.

What should I advise him to do? It's not impossible she is telling the truth about all these things, but it does seem MASSIVELY unlikely and I can't work out the possible reasons why she would be being so dishonest but I feel genuinely concerned.

It all made me feel really anxious.

Advice?

OP posts:
ChillyAlice · 19/05/2024 15:50

It's a hard one because ideally he needs to see it for himself. My son is a few years older and his last relationship was a tough one. I could see very clearly what his ex was doing, but I didn't want to wade in a potentially risk my relationship with him, so I had to be careful.
Luckily we are also very close so he was able to talk to me and I was very careful to focus on the impacts of her behaviour on him, and how he felt. Keeping that line of communication open, without me being too vocal on her, meant he was able to work through his thoughts and come to what was really an obvious conclusion. He ended the relationship. I still hold my views to an extent, in case she makes a triumphant, albeit unlikely, return.
It sounds like your son is talking to you , which is good, and he's aware. I think he'll come to his own conclusions soon enough.

AtrociousCircumstance · 19/05/2024 15:52

So he’s decided he needs to end it? That sounds wise?

Owl9to5 · 19/05/2024 15:54

Now you"ve pointed it out , hang back and let him observe.....

Pinkbonbon · 19/05/2024 15:57

'I love you kiddo but your girlfriend is nuts. And not the fun kind of nuts, the dangerous liar kind of nuts. Trust me on this, run for the fucking hills. Sorry to be the barer of bad news'.

Macaroni46 · 19/05/2024 16:03

He's 20, an adult. You can only offer advice, and only once. Thereafter, you leave him to work it out for himself. It's not your life. Time to step back a bit.

needsomeadvice22 · 19/05/2024 16:06

"I love you son but your girlfriend is crazy, and not the good crazy."

Not much else you can do! Maybe call her out on her behaviour, "why aren't you at your full time job/college course today? You shouldn't have a moment to yourself working that hard." And so on.

User1979289 · 19/05/2024 16:07

I'd ask lots of interested questions re the job for starters 😂😂

Pinkbonbon · 19/05/2024 16:12

Actually I'd tell him to watch 'baby reindeer' because she sounds exactly like Martha the stalker. A lying fantasist.

samestyle · 19/05/2024 17:27

You did the right thing telling him your thoughts, he now feels he should end it, leave it to him now, if he doesn't feel quite ready to end it, unfortunately you just have to be there for him, she will be deceiving him as well, he just needs to see it.

thedudescocktail · 19/05/2024 17:53

Thanks everyone. Thanks also for the link. I don't think there's any signs of controlling behavior or anything - she'd very kind and nice to him. I just can't help feeling like if these things are lies (and they seem to obviously be) I genuinely can't work out why she's lying!

OP posts:
dragonscannotswim · 19/05/2024 18:10

User1979289 · 19/05/2024 16:07

I'd ask lots of interested questions re the job for starters 😂😂

This!!

Pinkbonbon · 19/05/2024 18:17

Was just reading up on the possible link between facial features and dark triad traits amd happened to see this.

If her lies seem to be bragging amd boasting and geared to make herself seem special, important, unique or 'better than' others, my bet would be seem could have a narcissistic personality disorder.

Although, being a lying fantasist can be independent of personality disorders or mental illness (schizophrenia perhaps). Some people are just...liars.

Either way,not the sort of person to get wrapped up in.

Narcissists are usually lovely to their targets...in the beginning. It doesn't last.

Son's new girlfriend may be a fantasist - how to handle
MagnetCarHair · 19/05/2024 18:25

I had a friend in school who was a compulsive liar. She was also incredibly vulnerable. We were stuck not knowing to call her on the constant and increasingly dramatic charade and worrying if we'd then be the ones in the firing line when she sunk into the next crisis.

I guess what I'm saying is that, if you think he might be in the same situation, then I think I'd be a bit more forceful with the 'get the hell out message' before all of this is compounded by loyalty, a sense of duty and fear.

ginasevern · 19/05/2024 18:31

There may be various reasons why she's a fantasist, some people are just born fantasists too. It's not your job to work out why OP. You say your son intends to end it, so I should gently encourage him towards that.

Mummyoflittledragon · 19/05/2024 18:39

I also would gently encourage your ds to end this relationship. I get he’s an adult. But he’s looking to you for some guidance.

HeadDeskHeadDesk · 19/05/2024 18:42

MagnetCarHair · 19/05/2024 18:25

I had a friend in school who was a compulsive liar. She was also incredibly vulnerable. We were stuck not knowing to call her on the constant and increasingly dramatic charade and worrying if we'd then be the ones in the firing line when she sunk into the next crisis.

I guess what I'm saying is that, if you think he might be in the same situation, then I think I'd be a bit more forceful with the 'get the hell out message' before all of this is compounded by loyalty, a sense of duty and fear.

I used to work with a girl like that. We just used to roll our eyes behind her back every time one of her major dramas unfolded, but I imagine being in a close friendship or a relationship with her was properly emotionally draining.

LakeTiticaca · 19/05/2024 18:42

At best she sounds like a massive drama queen, at worst a Walter Mitty type compulsive liar.
Advice to your son: back away from this relationship

Noseybookworm · 19/05/2024 18:58

It's a worry but you've voiced your concerns to your son so that's probably given him pause for thought. I'd also say if all his friends are a bit suspicious that you're not being unreasonable. I think he has to come to the realisation for himself - it's likely that the lies will trip her up at some point. So I'd take a watchful waiting approach while continuing to be pleasant to her. Hopefully he will find out sooner rather than later!

HeadDeskHeadDesk · 19/05/2024 19:03

needsomeadvice22 · 19/05/2024 16:06

"I love you son but your girlfriend is crazy, and not the good crazy."

Not much else you can do! Maybe call her out on her behaviour, "why aren't you at your full time job/college course today? You shouldn't have a moment to yourself working that hard." And so on.

Yes I think I'd be smiling sweetly and asking lots of probing questions subtly disguised as showing interest in getting to know her, but actually trying to see how far she's prepared to elaborate to maintain her charade. She'll be tripped up easily enough I imagine. Your son just needs to see it for himself.

In my experience though, these people are so thick skinned and shameless, it'll like water off a duck's back. They have no conscience and they often believe their own fantasies. Watching the Piers Morgan interview with the Baby Reindeer woman just demonstrates this. She could be highly persuasive and believable and lucid one minute and the next minute, when faced with a question or an accusation she didn't want to answer she somehow switched tack, throwing out red herrings and non-sequiturs willy nilly, as a way of deflecting, distracting, or dismissing the stuff she didn't want to talk about. Some of what she was saying made absolutely no sense in context of the questions asked, but she said it with such conviction and confidence and a straight face. It was hard to know whether she's either the world's most shameless liar, or whether she's just so personality disordered that she can't see that anything she's done is wrong.

SirChenjins · 19/05/2024 19:07

You’ve done the right thing by pointing out the inconsistencies and raising your concerns - and I’d keep repeating that whenever she behaves this way. I know some people think you have to step back but I disagree - at 20 he’s still young and it sounds like you have a good relationship with you so your concerns will resonate. Not saying anything could give him the impression you don’t think her behaviour is unreasonable.

thedudescocktail · 19/05/2024 19:27

He's very stressed because he says I have sowed doubt in his head so he has to break up with her because he says he can't look at and not be honest, and he thinks confronting her is cruel because she's vulnerable and he will hurt her feelings. He's very upset and I feel awful.

The things she said which sound bizarre were basically...

Over her stay here, she experienced several crisis on in just a few days. One was saying she experienced racist abuse on the way over, another was saying a friend had just died and she had to go to her room (this friend was semi famous in a way), another was saying some important event had been cancelled, another was saying she has a rare blood disease. It was all just....odd.

The dates / circumstances of her life story don't add up. She claims she did three A Levels and did really well but then changed her mind and did three more because her topic of interest changed - with a gap year - but she isn't really old enough to to have done A levels twice and had a gap year (she's 19).

She also claims UCAS won't consider her previous A level results (does anyone know if this is true?) She also told me the course she wanted to attend in September requires X UCAS points and I looked it up and this is WAY off what the website description says.

She claimed she was expelled from her previous secondary school for lying about being abused because the school believed her parents when they denied it, but I can't quite fathom this being true - surely a school would not do that?

She says she is in full time secondary education doing A Levels, but also claims she has a full time job and a second WFH which give her a combined salary of 60k. I have no idea how you would be in full time education, AND full time work AND a second job...I asked how that was possible and she said "I don't sleep" and "the school let me do whatever I want".

To add to the above, for the last three weeks I haven't noticed her going to work at all, so how can you have a full time retail job and never go to work? I asked her this and she said she was "waiting for her shifts".

She said she pays X amount in rent, which is about double the market rate. I asked my partner about this and he said it was plausible and possible that a rogue landlord would charge someone young /vulnerable /with no references double rent. But that considered, the rent amount she gave me would leave her £100pcm for all her bills, transport, phone, food etc and I can't understand how anyone would live on that.

She has also booked a holiday with DS and two further holidays this summer, so I have no idea how she is paying or getting so much time off work. I asked her and she said the holiday place have a daily competition and she won...?!

It just sounded like complete bull shit from start to finish, and I couldn't really understand the motivation. My DS is quite vulnerable. He's had some MH issues and was very lonely after his last breakup and he said she's been very kind and loving and attentive and he is just very upset.

He is saying he has to confront her, but he says doing so will show he doesn't trust her and so this has ultimately ruined a relationship that made him happy. I just feel dreadful, but if a girl told you all this -would you think it sounded off?

I don't want to be one of those Mums that doesn't like their DS's girlfriends, but I just got the severe creeps from the whole thing.

OP posts:
thedudescocktail · 19/05/2024 19:30

I'd add to this that I did question her a LOT and none of the answers were remotely satisfying! She just seemed to look confused or to give explanations that weren't explanations.

Eg:

How can you have a full time job AND part time job and be in full time education at the same time?

Well, the part time job is WFH so I do that work while I am at my other job

Well how do you go to school?

I don't, they let me do what I want.

So when are you next in work?

I don't know, I am waiting for my shifts (looked nervous)

It just made no bloody sense.

OP posts:
JabyJay · 19/05/2024 19:30

Say what you think. Honestly but diplomatically. Then forget it and drop it unless he brings it up.

In certain circumstances we owe our friends and family an opinion, that’s what I Tui k. But only once - after that I believe it’s best to drop the matter altogether and live life normally unless the person raises the issue again.

PS. Personally speaking I wouldn’t be having all that drama in my home, it’s out of order; can you limit her stay overs?

thedudescocktail · 19/05/2024 19:31

JabyJay · 19/05/2024 19:30

Say what you think. Honestly but diplomatically. Then forget it and drop it unless he brings it up.

In certain circumstances we owe our friends and family an opinion, that’s what I Tui k. But only once - after that I believe it’s best to drop the matter altogether and live life normally unless the person raises the issue again.

PS. Personally speaking I wouldn’t be having all that drama in my home, it’s out of order; can you limit her stay overs?

I don't want to limit her stayovers, she is welcome here and I will be nice. I am just worried for my son!

OP posts: