Son's new girlfriend may be a fantasist - how to handle

[thedudescocktail]

Hello, please help!

I am extremely close to my 20 year old DS and he has brought a new GF home who he's been seeing for a couple of months and she comes across as a fantasist.

She has told a lot of stories about herself, her past, her current financial circumstances and so on which are frankly implausible. Many of which are terrible circumstances (eg: landlord recently doubled her rent). Others just don't add up.

For example, she claims she is both in full time education doing a BTEC and also claims she has a full time job with a 60k salary aged 19! It all just seems like utter bollocks. Not least because she never appears to go to either work or school.

She also stayed with us for only 3 days, during which 3 or 4 huge dramas occurred. She was frequently running off to the bedroom because she just had some terrible news. It all just seemed not true!

I spoke to my son, who's a bit innocent, and he agreed it all sounded far fetched (as do his friends) but he says he feels trusting of her and very close to her and that he now feels he has to end the relationship because he feels spying on her or checking up on her seems deceptive.

What should I advise him to do? It's not impossible she is telling the truth about all these things, but it does seem MASSIVELY unlikely and I can't work out the possible reasons why she would be being so dishonest but I feel genuinely concerned.

It all made me feel really anxious.

Advice?

Thanks all. I do believe some parts of the story. She is clearly estranged from parents and I believe there was abuse and a lot of problems for her.

I do believe she lives in a small flat alone (DS has been there). They met online. Her job isn't Only Fans or influencing or anything like that, she is not that type at all, she is sort of very prim and modest in appearance and is very religious.

She says one of the jobs is a full time retail manager and the second job is part time WFH doing what sounds like very basic marketing assistant work for a prestigious brand name.

I have explained to DS that it's not really unreasonable for him to ask basic questions - like "if you are a full time retail manager, how come you haven't been to work for three weeks?", but he feels a lot of guilt and worry about upsetting her given her abusive past.

He's a very kind young man, and I sincerely hope she isn't a bad person and that this is just a case of someone perhaps exaggerating for attention or similar. It hasn't (and wouldn't) occur to my DS that myself or his friends are not being genuine.

He has some very good, wise, sensible friends who have said the circumstances she describes sound implausible but not completely impossible.

You need to tell her that you know she's lying. Cut her attention-feed off at its source. Your son may be angry at you for a split second but will then look at her for 'reassurance' that you're wrong, and she is telling the truth; Which of course will not arrive!

When I read this, it all just points to a mental health condition. There’s no way of trying to ‘catch her out’ with questions so to speak, because in her eyes it’s the truth and she won’t be lying. I had an ex like this, who would lie to my face about me. It was mega frustrating and confusing as to why he was doing it, until I was told by his next girlfriend he had been diagnosed with a mental health condition. I would just try and distance yourselves gradually from her, as any drastic action might cause more drama from her. As your son is vulnerable with his own mental health, this is the last sort of relationship he needs. I understand it’s easier said than done. Good luck OP.

If she's the manager she makes the schedule. She wouldn't be waiting to find out.

A nineteen year old retail manager??? Pull the other one, it has bells on.

She pays for things on credit cards I'm guessing

Your son doesn't need proof or for her to admitt shs is lying, he can/should just end it. She will just make up more lies so not point talking about it.

Make sure son knows he doesn't need a reason or to justify dumping her he can do it anytime he wants to and help him with some kind wording if needed.

Agree there is little point in your sun talking to her directly about it - she will just double down on the lies. You've down the seed though and I assume he'll start noticing stuff now and realise for himself soon enough

You have asked a good few questions of her, and she will have realised that you don’t buy her stories. For this reason alone I’d drop the topic with your son for now because she will try to plant it in his head that you tried to break them up by making him doubt her.
It’s telling that your son feels like he can’t challenge or question her. It tells you enough about their dynamic and that none of this is healthy.
His friends have shared their thoughts on the matter. Let their words sink in, because it carries different weight to a parent’s sometimes.
And be mentally prepared for lies to be spread about him/ you all when the relationship eventually breaks down. These people cannot accept it when their fantasies get disrupted and will double down.

Do you think she wants to live with you? I wondered whether that's why the rent was mentioned.

I'd carry on questioning her at length every time you see her and pick her replies apart. Then hopefully she'll know she's been rumbled and dump your son before he has to dump her.

When the time is right gently tell him.

Don't gloss over it. He might be very intelligent, but at his age he lacks experience.

Do not let him learn the hard way.

I have known mums (and dads), that have kept their thoughts to themselves hoping their offspring would see the light, but they haven't, and it's ended up in seriously unhappy and disastrous marriages with children involved.

Totally agree with this. Your son is feeling upset because he feels he can't trust her but it's not a trust issue; she's not being maliciously deceptive- she sounds like she has very low self- esteem and these fantasies (I think fantasies is a better word for them than lies) are a defence mechanism. As pp have said this behavior is common, most people have known at least one person who does this. I think it's extra common in young people and there is every chance she'll grow out of it if she can learn that people value her for herself and will give her attention/love/care even without her making things up. I wouldn't confront her directly about the lies or encourage your son to do the same as she'll likely feel extremely ashamed and it won't achieve anything. As pp have said, it's enough that you've questioned her stories so she's aware you're not fooled. You've done the right thing by highlighting the issue to your son but I would let him make his own decisions from here on with no further input from you.

This post is very wise and spot on!

I can empathise OP, it’s really hard when you get these kind of vibes, but…you won’t be thanked for your opinion. DH and I just keep ours to ourselves, and let our DS’ work it out for themselves. Our DS’ are 22 & 21 currently, DS1 had a very difficult GF for 18mths, we were very pleased when he ended the relationship very abruptly. DS1 now has a wonderful GF, so don’t give up hope.

Accept she is damaged, gently probe things with your son if he asks you, hope he dumps her. I can think of two people who have similar traits, it can be wearing to deal with especially if the person never grows out of it.

@Lighteningstrikes did you listen to your parents when it came to young relationships? I know I didn’t! I have also known parents that have got involved with their adult children’s relationships that have ended up with them becoming estranged, most adults will chose a partner over their parents, love is blind. They need to see it for themselves.

But how many grand/parents have to take up the slack because children don't listen

I wonder if this is the case. And now she'll have to keep up the pretense because your son has fallen for the girl she appears to be, therefore she will probably think if she reveals her true self (possibly nowhere as interesting or exciting as her 'false self' seems to be) then she'll be worried he won't be interested anymore.

I was coming on to say I bet she is in debt or borrows money, so be very very careful with stories about rogue landlords, etc. don’t leave money or valuables around, and endure your DS isn’t lending her money or paying for everything. Next thing she’ll be looking for somewhere to stay because of some tall tale.

I'd be very worried about the accusations she could potentially make about your son.

I wouldn't have taken any notice of my mum at that age but I think if the girlfriend knows that the OP is on to her, and won't stop questioning her, that might be enough for her leave the relationship.

This with bells on.

She sounds just like my ex next door neighbour. She lied about jobs etc. and also accused someone of rape, breaking in her home etc. We often had the police knocking. Also committed fraud against me! Luckily that didn't go too far. She's absolutely nuts. Ended up in prison but is out now probably still doing the same things. I could write a book about her exploits. She has dcs her family are raising.

I'd be going against a lot here and not have her staying and be watching her like a hawk. Plus if it was one of my dss I'd be fuming and strongly advising against this. But mine wouldn't fall for this they're very mature in their 20s and have witnessed ex neighbour so know about such people. Your poor ds is being taken advantage of.

Edited for spelling.

I had a flatmate like this at uni…said she was a twin, and that her sister had died (untrue). Said she had kidney failure and was going through dialysis whilst awaiting a transplant (untrue). We eventually confronted her and she moved out. I had no idea why she was making up these crazy stories, and I never heard from her again. Very odd.

I used to be a compulsive liar, eventually I stopped. I know now it was a result of childhood trauma. I'd suggest that her intentions are good, giving her and him some space to work things out. I found people who did believe in me and I stopped telling lies, I haven't really ever admitted it to anyone. I did on a couple of issues but just sort of let the truth have its day. But as a parent of a son the same age, if he was in a similar situation, I could certainly see how I might react.