My husband treats me like a child

[Sunshine982o27]

I have been with my husband for 20 years, we have two preteens kids.
Prior to covid he worked and I was the stay at home parent. This worked well.
He had a very senior role at work and I always felt on occasion that he spoke down to me, felt he was superior to me, more knowledgeable than me . He is in some respects.
Since covid we have swapped round and I go to work full time and he is the stay at home parent. I don't know whether it's because he doesn't have a job anymore (he loves being at home) but he treats our house and everyone in it like a job and employees. Our house is always clean and tidy and our kids are tidy and well behaved other than the normal leaving a wrapper somewhere or putting clothes by the wash basket rather than in it. But he goes mad when this happens. He is focusing on minute things and making a massive deal out of it to the point where he gets really stressed out about it.
He wasn't like this with the house before.

On a daily basis he will walk me around the house and show me what I've done wrong etc in a really patronising way . Examples: I've stacked the mugs rather than put them all separately. I have stacked the plates in any order rather than size order. I didn't put the tea towel back on the hook. I gave the dog 3 biscuits extra in his breakfast.

It is so ridiculous. When he does this it makes me feel like I'm a child and I almost revert to a stroppy teenager. It gets my heckles up immediately and I usually reply with "sorry dad" in a sarcastic tone, then he will be in a mood for about an hour!!
I'm finding it so ridiculous and pathetic I'm dreading coming home !

The worst one by far is food. We all eat well but I feel like he is rationing our food. We have a food budget and it's so expensive at the moment we don't want to buy excessive amounts but he is taking it too far. The kids packed lunches he will buy 5 things for x 2 for the Mon to Fri. But no extras. So if one of the kids goes and eats a bag of crisps that means that there isn't enough for the packed lunches. He goes ballistic when this happens. We all have to ask him if it's OK for us to eat a particular item to make sure there's enough.
I don't know how to handle this as I think he's developing a problem, maybe ocd or maybe just because his life has become so small he's hyperfocusing. It's affecting us all in the house causing an unsettled atmosphere, kids thinking he's too strict and me just not wanting to be around him

He needs to get a job. Pre-teens don’t need a SAHP. Particularly a controlling one.

Stop responding like a stroppy teen and respond like an adult:

"DH, if you want these things doing your way then you do them. Just gecause my way is different does not make it wrong. I will do these things my way. If you would rather I didn't then I will not do them at all and will expect you to willingly take sole responsibility, without grumbling, so that its done the way you like"

I have to say, I've been the SAHP with similar expectations to your DH. The difference way that I was self-aware enough to realise these were my issues not anyone else's. It bothers me how others pair socks, for example. So either I pair all of the socks, or others pair socks and I 'tidy' them because it makes me feel better, or I bury the twitchy feeling I get when I see them paired badly, and move on. None of this affects anyone else tho, because I know its my issue not theirs.

It's your husband's issue. Since he's the SAHP, he has the time and energy to do things his way, all the time. He would have to accept that means slaving after everyone else though - because their way is allowed to be different.

Exactly, it's his issue, not everyone else's. My concern is that it seems to be getting worse and worse.
I've had many conversations with him about it , I've been calm, civil, angry and stroppy but it makes no difference.
I was the sahm for 10 years, he's been doing for 8 months and the kids and I now feel like we are living on an army camp .
He can't work due to a medical reason , he is likely to have finished work permanently now. He is only 40

Forgot to add: your husband treating you like a child comes down to your boundaries. Our boundaries only expect changes to our own behaviour, not others.

Eg:

"DH, you are treating me like a child. I will not change how I do XYZ. I will not discuss this further until you speak to me with more respect and accept we are both adults with equally valid thoughts" Then walk away.

Don't let him walk you around thr house like a naughty child. You deserve more respect.

Put your kids first. This will have long-term effects on them if you don’t put a stop to it.
When you say he can’t work due to a medical condition, is he incapable of ANY work? Being in the house is making everyone miserable, including him.

My concern is that it seems to be getting worse and worse.

Be firmer with your boundaries.

It doesn't need large discussions, just consistent action. "I will not be spoken to this way, it is your issue not mine".

If this leads to a discussion at a calmer time, that focuses on the same: "I will not be changing how I do things. If you have an issue with this you need to decide how to deal with that yourself - it's not my issue"

Maybe it will lead him to reflect and change his expectations and behaviour. Maybe he will reflect and decide he's struggling and needs to speak to the doctor or a therapist to support changing his behaviour. Maybe he will decide his expectations are a priority that you dont share therefore he can't stay married to someone like you. Maybe you will decide you can't stay married to someone like him. All these outcomes come from firm boundaries and knowing how you will, and will not, accept being treated.

I do not condone his military like behaviour. You are enabling this. Do not put up with it. As for the packed lunch stuff I think rationing tge stuff is a valuable lesson learnt in that if one of the children eat their crisps then there is none for lunch. If u are not happy with the shopping purchased sit down and talk about ut. Don't let him talk to u in a superior way.

It's my money that he's buying the shopping with. I have no issue with buying more.
He's already on antidepressants

Yeah, fuck off with the "its my money" rhetoric. You should be a team. Its "our" money, not yours.

In terms of the crisps: be direct then. Have you thought through what your own boundaries are? He buys 10 packs a week (for 10 pack lunches). How would you feel with your children eating five packs of crisps a day? 10 packs? 2 packs? What if you buy 20 packs and one child eats 15 packs in a week and the other none? There must be some limitation you have - What is it? You then look at your priority and his and see if there is a compromise you will accept.

This sounds unbearable. Worth a conversation with a doctor or therapist especially if he is already on antidepressants. If he doesnt address this his relationships with you all will be really damaged. Sounds like some hobbies/exercise/volunteering might be helpful if he cant work for health reasons.

So maybe he doesn't like being at home as much as he claims to then?

Perhaps the answer is a job? Is PT or freelance an option in his field?

Hi
Your husband needs something to do other than the house. Encourage hobbies. Or look up “Men in sheds”. I think it’s an organisation just for men They do woodworking and things. His world has become too small and he needs things to broaden his outlook. Or get him to do some volunteering. Anything to get him out of the house. He must be able to do something as he doesn’t sound profoundly disabled in a physical way. Needs an outlet for his own mental well being.

I usually prefer my DC to save "wrapped" snacks (crisps, chocolate bars) for packed lunches. But that's because I make home made cakes and biscuits for eating at home.

Are your DC going to go hungry if they don't take the crisps?

Could he do some voluntary work?

Start calling him Boss. And stop sleeping with him. Tell him that's inappropriate.. Dc call him sir... He is an utter twat.
Go shopping for a huge bag of treats op. Stare him out while you pass them to the dc... Obviously he won't be partaking...

He sounds incredibly controlling. His behaviour is unacceptable. Would he go to marriage counselling with you so an independent professional can spell it out to him?

What is the medical condition and how does it affect him? Is it a degenerative condition? I know you said he can never work again - I'm trying to understand why and if there's anything he can do.

He's lost his purpose so he's going over the top in the househusband role. The kids don't really need him sitting at home and neither do you so he probably feels a bit useless.

He needs something to do that gives him a sense of achievement.

If his health issue means he can't do manual work, can he still do something where he is sitting down? I'm thinking a part time job, if he can't get outside then something he can do from home, maybe IT or admin or virtual PA, or maybe online tutoring. Something freelance where he doesn't have set hours?

In a way I do feel for your husband (despite him sounding insufferable!)
He's lost his job, life goal, and life direction because of his health, something out of his control.

Huge cudos to you for taking on the main earner position now.

I think it's inevitable he's going to have feelings of resentment and disempowerment which are coming out in his strict household management regime.

You'll need to speak on clearer terms that his demands are so unreasonable it's going to tear your family apart and if he doesn't sort himself out you'll get a shed in the garden for him to live in on his own.

It sounds so hard for you all.

I agree with the others.

The armchair psychologist in me thinks that he's hyper-focusing on the home because its the only thing giving him self-worth. Especially when you consider is wife isn't liking him very much at the moment either, so he's probably feeling like a failure at work, as a husband and as a father. His tidy home is giving him some worth and value, but unhealthily so.

If your aim is to support your husband out if this OP (rather than LTB), then my suggestion would be to help him find ways to boost his self worth.

I don't know what his health issues are - but the Couch To 5k program is designed to give a huge sence of achievement. Or getting a gym program in place and seeing the progress made in terms if strength. The key with these things is a clear way to track and see improvements. This ability to see himself improving will be good for his mental health.

Doing something where he feels valued and people are grateful to have him help self esteem too. Volunteering gives this. It needs to be the right sort of volunteering though, something he values.

Being outside may help. Sunlight is good for the mental health. A gardening project? Daily, long dog walks?

If he is medically retired aged 40 from a well paid job, surely he would get a disability pension or have had an insurance payout? Why are you both living on solely your earnings?

Firstly, to be sympathetic to him, it must have been a hell of a shock to suddenly not be able to work. He does sound depressed and probably needs help. I am, though, kind of wondering what medical issue allows you to be a SAHP but unable to work. It is, effectively, a job, even if only a small part time one if the children are older.

However, you don’t need to put up with that kind of treatment and nor do your children. Give him an ultimatum to get help and that you both get to discuss the food budget etc. Otherwise you will need to look at splitting.

yeppp

Your money or family money?

Would DH be happier going back to work?

Don't let him walk you around thr house like a naughty child. You deserve more respect.

This. Why do you walk round the house with him being shown your misdemeanours? Sod that. I just wouldn’t do it. What would the consequences be if you refused to be marched round?

Maybe it will help to establish some new boundaries. Can you take more of a role in a small job at home. Can he 'project manage' something else at home. Sounds like he's struggling with the change and is keen to be as efficient as you were. He could need help medically to transition as he's v young not to be working. It sounds like a huge pita but also like he's struggling and is v anxious all the time. Is there anything else he can do in the day, like a sport, hobby or something to use up the energy.

Can't he get a part time low stress job? Or a work from home job?
He's able to March you around and has the energy to log perceived errors and shout about them, can he not use that energy more productively?