My husband treats me like a child

[Sunshine982o27]

I have been with my husband for 20 years, we have two preteens kids.
Prior to covid he worked and I was the stay at home parent. This worked well.
He had a very senior role at work and I always felt on occasion that he spoke down to me, felt he was superior to me, more knowledgeable than me . He is in some respects.
Since covid we have swapped round and I go to work full time and he is the stay at home parent. I don't know whether it's because he doesn't have a job anymore (he loves being at home) but he treats our house and everyone in it like a job and employees. Our house is always clean and tidy and our kids are tidy and well behaved other than the normal leaving a wrapper somewhere or putting clothes by the wash basket rather than in it. But he goes mad when this happens. He is focusing on minute things and making a massive deal out of it to the point where he gets really stressed out about it.
He wasn't like this with the house before.

On a daily basis he will walk me around the house and show me what I've done wrong etc in a really patronising way . Examples: I've stacked the mugs rather than put them all separately. I have stacked the plates in any order rather than size order. I didn't put the tea towel back on the hook. I gave the dog 3 biscuits extra in his breakfast.

It is so ridiculous. When he does this it makes me feel like I'm a child and I almost revert to a stroppy teenager. It gets my heckles up immediately and I usually reply with "sorry dad" in a sarcastic tone, then he will be in a mood for about an hour!!
I'm finding it so ridiculous and pathetic I'm dreading coming home !

The worst one by far is food. We all eat well but I feel like he is rationing our food. We have a food budget and it's so expensive at the moment we don't want to buy excessive amounts but he is taking it too far. The kids packed lunches he will buy 5 things for x 2 for the Mon to Fri. But no extras. So if one of the kids goes and eats a bag of crisps that means that there isn't enough for the packed lunches. He goes ballistic when this happens. We all have to ask him if it's OK for us to eat a particular item to make sure there's enough.
I don't know how to handle this as I think he's developing a problem, maybe ocd or maybe just because his life has become so small he's hyperfocusing. It's affecting us all in the house causing an unsettled atmosphere, kids thinking he's too strict and me just not wanting to be around him

My DH got just like this when he wasn't working. I'm afraid the only "cure" was to get him back in work. I'm not sure what to suggest in your case. Isn't there any job he could do out of the house? If he's fit enough to keep your house in such immaculate order, couldn't he set himself up as a cleaner or work for a cleaning business for a few hours a week?

What a miserable existence! Definitely push back and assert your boundaries.

Classic example of a SAHP needing to get a life.
Can't he do any job at all ? Even voluntary work ?
Does he drive ? Our local hospital & hospice always need volunteer drivers.

I don't think he's that bad .... please no bashing!
😁
I cannot stand men who treat their homes like
a pig sty.

I referred to it being my money as in if I wanted a bag of crisps I should bloody well be allowed to have some. I would just replace them.
When he was the worker it was all "his money" and he made every financial decision.
Now it's my money coming in but he's still making all the financial decisions so I don't really see that as equal.
He finished work due to a nervous breakdown. He doesn't like being around people apart from us. Being in the house is now his entire world

He needs to get out of the house.

Even if he is unlikely to have paid work again, he needs something. Otherwise he is just making all of you part of his mental anguish.

Men in Sheds, or any other type of men's group, an allotment, volunteer driving, a hobby. Just anything.

My DH is 50 and stopped paid work due to disabilities at about 42. He gets out for walking and cycling, takes part in online groups and activities, does some unpaid work from home.

Your DH needs something that makes him have self worth beyond ensuring all the mugs are put away correctly.

He finished work due to a nervous breakdown. He doesn't like being around people apart from us. Being in the house is now his entire world

The set-up needs to work for the whole family. Not just him.

Sounds like he's missing his job and being in charge of important things, he doesn't understand a lot of household things are not black and white, you may need to wean him off.

For example get him to write a shopping list and then add the extras you want, price it up and if it's too expensive decide what to take off together.

I agree, unless you establish some firm but consistent boundaries, it will continue, until you can take no more and blow up into a massive argument, which no one wants.

Best to tell him him firmly that you are getting sick of his patronising ways and it must STOP......FULL STOP.

Tell him, you are not a fool and will not be treated like one.

Say it with a tone of authority, firmly and with conviction.

Or he'll be having a bad dogs day. So you put your foot down with a firm hand, he winds his neck in then you'll feel happier because, in theory he should respect you.

When he was working he felt he was superior to you and now he's not working he feels superior to you. So it feels as if he's the same person but the context has changed. He sounds unpleasant.

What a deeply unpleasant relationship dynamic you are both teaching the DC.

He is controlling everything and you are letting him.

Find your voice OP, give him both barrels.

This.

Why does having a nervous breakdown mean he can never work again?! Is he in therapy or making effort to improve his mental and physical health? Even if it's a different path to what he thought he would have, he may still be able to work or volunteer in a different area. 40 is very young to be writing him off career-wise

He needs to get a job.

You can't say "I've had a nervous breakdown and although I'm 40 I'm just never going to work again. Instead I'm going to become painfully controlling and run this house like a prison camp."

Fuck that! He needs proper psychiatric treatment with the goal of returning to work and not being an arsehole! Otherwise you are better off leaving because why would anyone want another 40 years of this?

He needs a different job, rather than no job.

Perhaps he could walk dogs or volunteer in an animal shelter or petting zoo.
He does sound very lost.
When you have asked him his plans for the next 40 years, what did he say?

Oh and out of stubborness, I would buy paper plates for a week. I loathe being corrected in my own home. Makes me all contrary.

Having a nervous breakdown does not and should not preclude someone from getting a job (paid, voluntary etc) again - what mental health support is he accessing? how is he helping himself to recover?

I saw he is on antidepressants - but has he asked the GP to refer him to the mental health team? has he self referred to IAPT or wellbeing services? are the medications working? if not.. what is he doing about it - has he made contact with CALM, anxiety UK, MInd etc?

The house issues are probably a symptom of how he is feeling - but the issue is its awful for everyone else, he needs to know this- he is suffering, but so are his kids and you!! This is no way to live - put your boundaries in place about what you will accept and what you won’t. The food issue is a hard line for me - if your children want a packet of crisps on a sunday and he is going mad about it that is totally unacceptable!!

Boundaries are set out in a calm way and then when he pushes these - ‘we have discussed this before, I appreciate its causing you concern / distress however this is not reasonable because….’

However he needs to get the right support in place, thats down to him!

It sounds as though he has a long history of being financially abusive but the slant has changed now that he is at home.

In the short term start pushing back on his arbitrary boundaries.
Stop at a shop and buy more snacks. Let the kids and him knows that there are more snacks that they can eat.
Keep extra snacks for you in your bag.

Then longer term he needs to be going back to work, he has to be working on his mental health and then re enter the work place. But I wouldn't give up your own financial freedom.

He used to be Big Boss at work, and that was taken away from him (which must have been difficult, let's be honest).

But now, it appears he wants to be Big Boss at home instead.

He needs reminding in no uncertain terms that you are not his subordinate. You are supposed to be an equal partnership, and neither of you should be finding fault with what the other person does, or telling the other one what to do.

This is one of those messy ones where I suspect there are issues underneath this like OCD, depression and anxiety but they are coming out of controlling twattery.

It's very important to remember that MH issues are reasons but not excuses. You can have compassion for the breakdown and OCD but he doesn't get to inflict these on you.

The fact that he thought money was his when he was earning and now it's still his even though you are isn't MH, it's financial abuse.

Sit him down, tell him your boundaries and what you need, and tell him you will be leaving him if the minimum isn't met. And mean it.

Mine pays far too much attention to the home now that he's retired. Not that he does much in it. He got the hoover out the other day. I commented. He said bristling that he often hoovers before I'm awake. As if.

Tell him clearly that you're not listening to this and walk away every time.

OK, so he's hiding from life in the house since having a breakdown and he's only 40, and physically OK- such that he can be meticulous with housework. His MH sounds poor and he is fixating on things that seem out if place in the home. He needs counselling, if he's already getting it, it might be time to change the therapy to something that suits - CBT maybe?
Hiding at home and not facing things is not going to help him in the long run.

My DH had a breakdown and was unable to function for months and months, once he felt able to actually get up and dressed, he did everything possible to get the help he needed to function. He still takes his medication, and has the odd bad day, but he hasn't turned into an arsehole.

Its family money surely?

A nervous breakdown doesn't mean never working again when he's only 40 . Time to start discussing what he could do for work thats less stressful.