How important is sex in new relationship?

[TeamPrincipalFlutie]

I've posted on another board for advice on the sex side, but I'm wondering in general how important good, mutually satisfying sex is at the beginning of a relationship?

I've been seeing someone, who has been a friend for over a decade, for 6 months now but the sex is not great.
Both in our thirties. He does not seem too fussed about the issues with sex but for me it's a barrier to being able to feel proper intimacy.

I like this man very much but I feel as though I'm too young to settle for a mediocre sex life. Or am I deluding myself and actually it's not THAT important?

Can relationships progress on situations like this or am I best off calling it a day now?

Yes. Sex is important and if he hasn't learned to do it right by this stage of his life, he's unlikely to improve.

I had the best sex of my life with someone highly unsuitable (I needed therapy after getting away from him) and I'm now happily married to DH for 7 years

However, I'm regularly devastated that I'll never have sex like that again. DH is grand.. he's the second best I've ever had, but even so

It’s not even about being too young to settle, however old - you deserve intimacy and the spark. In any relationship, even the ones that are incredibly passionate at the beginning, keeping your sex life alive long term requires tons of effort but to go into it knowing that this is the best your sex life will be? I don’t think you should do that to yourself.

Passion and intimacy and the remembrance of it are also key to finding each other again in the hard times, to falling in love with each other over and over again. Please don’t resign yourself to a life without passion and intimacy, you deserve more.

I do love him. We have been good friends for a long time.

It's difficult because he doesn't seem to understand what the problem is - he can never ejaculate during sex and always has to finish himself off but it always leaves me wondering what's wrong with me. He says it's just the way he is but it's really effecting my confidence.

BeenThere101 are you still with him?

Thank you for this. It's given me a lot to think about. I really wanted things to work out with him

Thanks for the insight. It's so difficult isn't it

I saw your post .., you should share the link for it on here!

The way he has to finish himself makes me wonder if he is over masturbating. Can cause some of the issues you describe.
Would you feel comfortable bringing it up?

He is in his late thirties. I have broached it with him and he says it's just the way his body is but never wants to discuss it further than that and I don't want to press the matter and make it even worse.

I'm sorry to hear you feel that way about your own relationship, and I hope you can make a decision that is right for you

I'm not sure how to do that!

Porn. That's the issue.

Please don't settle for this, OP. Sex is important in a relationship. They don't call it making love for nothing - it's supposed to feel so intimate, vulnerable and wonderful that it literally creates more love for each other.

Don't miss out on that to be with a porn addict who doesn't care about pleasing you.

If it bothers you that much move on and find someone who is better at sex. You may not have the same connection but hey if the sex is good does it matter.

https://www.mumsnet.com/talk/sex/5077650-bad-sex-or-something-else

Sounds like porn death grip. Sex is important to you - that's what matters. You're not happy now, imagine how miserable you'll be in ten years time.

I shared it for you @TeamPrincipalFlutie .
So impressed with myself 😅.
Will leave you in the capable hands of the other posters, good luck I hope it works out! x

It's hugely important to me.. although like a pp, some of the best hasn't always been with the right person.

However, I wouldn't settle for mediocre sex, unless you're both just finding your feet, so to speak! Six months in is long enough for him to learn what makes you happy.. does he make you orgasm? Is your dissatisfaction purely because he doesn't finish? Or is it just a bit shit overall?

Not at all important to me.

And yes, this causes problems

It’s extremely important. Honestly, epic sex has got us through so so many things. If it’s crummy to begin with it’s only ever going to get worse. Sad, but I’ve move on. Hopefully you’ll live another 60 odd years. Spend as much of it as you can having amazing sex and feeling the connection that gives you with your chosen partner.

Thanks for all the replies.

I've not heard of death grip before and I've never experienced this with any other partner. Is this an actual thing?

The sex is OK, it seems to just go on and on, we will have about an hour foreplay then at least an hour piv and then he will either finish himself off or lose his erection. He has finished once orally but that took over 40 minutes and I don't have the inclination to keep doing it. I do orgasm sometimes but more and more lately I haven't because I'm feeling so self conscious about it all.

He needs to stop watching porn. He sounds like he has wankers death grip.

100% this is porn death grip. And yes it’s (sadly) a very common occurrence! Trouble is they never admit to it. It’s why he has to finish himself off because he’s wanked so much it’s the only thing that will get him off now.

I’d honestly sack it off op, life is far too short for shit sex. Most things I would say you can work it out, but not this.

Unless he completely abstains from wanking for months to gain proper feeling back? But you’d have to bring it up and accept that he will probably be pissed off at you for ever insinuating that’s the problem.

That sounds awful. There's no way I'd put up with that, it would totally put me off ever having sex with him.

Oh good lord OP, it’s a big commitment to take on someone who has these issues with sex when they don’t seem bothered or inclined to fix it.

Lots of people struggle to have “regular” sex, but there are ways around it and ways to feel close and both be satisfied. The fact he won’t address it and that you don’t feel you can “push” the issue doesn’t bode well.

If sex is important to you and you’re already feel frustrated and bewildered 6 months in and he doesn’t see the issue then you’re just not compatible. I’d end it, sad but inevitable I think

Definitely definitely wait for the man that you make magic with.